Christmas
Christmas was spent quietly at home. I went out of my way to make sure I got Sheelagh
“
girly
”
things. She really loved wearing bright colours and glitzy jewelry because she had spent her life wishing she could, so now the sky was the limit. If it was sparkly, shiny or pink she loved it. I understood she wanted to distance herself as far as possible from any manly shapes or colours because she had been stuck wearing them all her life.
She still felt that given her height, if she wore any dark colours or plaid shirts people were more likely to view her as a man. I really didn
’
t think that possible, given her feminine face and long hair, but one time she was checking out at the liquor store and she was
“
Sirred
”
not
“
Ma
’
amed
”
and she was mortified. Some people can be so thoughtless in their dealings with others, and that really hurt Sheelagh deeply.
On December 31
st
, we watched the ball drop in Times Square and shared a kiss. We had made it through Sheelagh
’
s first year of being a woman
………
And we were still together. It was definitely a year I
’
ll never forget.
January
January didn
’
t start off very well for Sheelagh due to a bad cold that landed her in bed for a few days. It didn’t start off well for me because Sheelagh had decided to have breast augmentation surgery. She had spent a great deal of time looking into different doctors and planned having consultations with two of them in Toronto.
She went to the office of the first one where she was surrounded by women who were at least a foot shorter than she was. When she checked in she had to give her medical insurance card to the receptionist. The receptionist took the card and when she saw the M on the card under sex, she smirked and turned to the other staff and laughed. Sheelagh was horribly embarrassed but needed to see the doctor so she stayed. The doctor agreed to do surgery on her even though she was a transsexual, but Sheelagh left feeling alienated, judged, and less of a woman.
Upon leaving she checked her phone to see if there was a message from the office of the other doctor. He was from Chicago and she had to get the location of the hotel he was speaking at in order to talk with him about surgery. When she found no message she contacted his office and found out that she hadn
’
t been given an appointment. Feeling sad and disheartened she returned home.
Sheelagh later received an estimate of eleven thousand dollars for the surgery, which was roughly twice the cost of breast surgery on a non transwoman. At this point she felt she would be better off to look for a surgeon who regularly worked with transsexual people. The doctor she hadn
’
t been able to see was one of those doctors but fate had intervened that day and she missed seeing him.
I found it hard to believe it was one year ago we were in Chicago for her FFS. A whole year had gone by so quickly. I thought Sheelagh looked very pretty since all the swelling had receded. I totally see her and accept her as the woman she is
–
I no longer got my pronouns confused and our life together was going along quite well. I just had to get my mind wrapped around the idea of breast surgery.
Valentines in Cicero
That year our Valentine
’
s day present to each other was a long weekend away shopping in New York State. It was a platonic Valentine
’
s Day and we stayed at the Holiday Inn Express and went shopping at Destiny USA. The one thing that marred the weekend was when we were riding in an elevator with another man and he said something to me and I responded. Sheelagh accused me of flirting with him, which couldn
’
t have been further from the truth. She sometimes had her moments of feeling insecure and that was definitely one of them. I mean really, if I was going to flirt I certainly wouldn’t do it in front of her. Other than that it was a fun weekend and the weather cooperated so we didn
’
t have to drive home through any snowstorms.
Sheelagh was getting sick and tired of wearing wigs, she enjoyed the styles but they were extremely hot to wear. She had experienced eczema on her scalp due to perspiration being trapped between the wig and her head.
She went to see a hair specialist in Toronto because no matter how well a wig looked, it was still a wig. Synthetic wigs were cheaper and lighter but clearly recognizable as a wig. Human hair wigs were priced in the thousands of dollars and were both heavier and hotter than synthetic ones.The doctor she saw was fantastic and she made an appointment to have hair surgery done over the summer.
Red Hatted
In order for Sheelagh to meet some new women friends we joined a Red Hat Society in our area. The women were very nice, but Sheelagh couldn
’
t connect with them in any way. When they chatted about their children and grandchildren Sheelagh felt left out, and when they complained about their husbands she had nothing to add to the conversation. When it was finally time to leave, she was more than happy to go.
Sheelagh was definitely way out of her comfort zone with that group. The queen of the group came up with the idea of an outing to see the play Spamalot. We both enjoy Monty Python so we said we
’
d love to go. On play day
–
three of us showed up
–
the queen, Sheelagh and myself. We enjoyed the afternoon but found it odd that no one else came; Sheela
’
s thoughts immediately went to blaming herself. She believed they didn
’
t like her so that
was why they hadn
’
t shown up. I think they just had other plans for a Saturday afternoon, but Sheelagh was left feeling sad. Just when her confidence was increasing something like that comes along and she
’
s back to square one.
Breast Augmentation
I wondered why having FFS wasn't enough for Sheelagh to consider herself to be a woman. I asked her why she needed breast augmentation as well.
Sheelagh said to me, “I thought the hormones would create breasts but they didn't do their job properly. A six foot one inch woman with A cup breasts isn't immediately recognized by people as a woman. I needed bigger breasts to pass.”
So, in May we made the long drive down into the US for a consultation with the doctor Sheelagh found to do her breast augmentation surgery. The consult went well and Sheelagh had a surgery date set up for June. When she told me this I was livid!
I could not believe she would pick June for surgery when we had a vacation already booked in Provincetown for that same month. I could just see us down there on holiday with Sheelagh feeling awful and needing help to get through the day, instead of the two of us enjoying ourselves. She wouldn
’
t even be able to drink so going out and having cocktails was out of the question. Needless to say the trip was cancelled because the surgery took precedence.
In June Sheelagh
’
s operation took place in the morning and she was released that afternoon. She was sore but pumped full of pain killers, so I easily got her into our car and drove her to where we were going to stay. After a rest she woke up starving because she had not eaten since 6:00 P.M. the night before. Sheelagh said she was really, really hungry and surprised me by asking for a Big Mac! This was unusual because I couldn
’
t remember the last time we had had fast food. Since she had just had surgery I thought it would be a great treat, so we dined on burgers and fries.
The next day I had to drive Sheelagh to the doctor
’
s office for a post surgical check up. The doctor took off the large dressings and inspected the incisions, and said everything was fine. Sheelagh thought the implants were placed exceptionally high and looked unnatural. The doctor placed an elastic bandage across the top of Sheelagh
’
s breasts and around her back. It wasn
’
t clear what that was supposed to accomplish, but after that we went back to the our accommodation. It would be a week before Sheelagh could have the final follow up and we could return home. We past the time with short outings to unique shopping malls, nearby towns and local shops.
Mom Dies
On our last night there I received a call from my brother- in
–
law. He was calling to say my mom had been taken to the hospital and I should come home as soon as possible. We were a nine hour drive away from our home, and twelve hours away from where my mom lived. I had to get home.
The next morning we had to go to the doctor
’
s office for the final check up, and we were on time for the appointment. Unfortunately we still had to wait over an hour because the doctor was running late. The elastic bandage was removed and Sheelagh was given instruction in
“
breast exercise
”
. It consisted of pressing the upper outside part of the breast towards the lower inside part. This was something Sheelagh had never heard of anyone else having to do and thought it strange at the time.
We finally were able to leave at noon and drove straight home. Sheelagh managed to help out by driving for an hour, but that was all she could manage due to the surgery. We arrived home at 8:30 P.M. and I was exhausted and Sheelagh was sore and tired. I was going to leave right then for St. Catharines but she talked me out of it and said I needed to get some sleep first. I knew she was right so I went to bed and got up at 3:00 A.M. and drove to St. Catharines so I was there by 6:00 A.M. I felt awful about leaving Sheelagh on her own so soon after surgery but I had to be with my mom to say my goodbyes. I didn
’
t want to leave Sheelagh but she was great about it and totally understanding.
My mom
’
s wish was always to die at home and Sissy was doing her best to honour that wish. Mom reached the point where she was not able to swallow and she was in tremendous pain so an ambulance was called. After spending one night in the hospital, she was given Dilaudid and Hydrocodone and sent home because that was where she wanted to die. When I reached St. Catharines she was back in her own bed and when I came around the corner into her bedroom her face lit up, she grabbed my hand and said, “Gin
–
I knew you
’
d make it!” She knew she was dying and went in and out of lucidity. I stayed there that day with her from 6:00 A.M. until 11:00 P.M.
–
by then I was absolutely exhausted, as was my sister. We chose to go to Sissy’s house to sleep in real beds and returned the next morning.
The night nurse said mom had spent a very quiet restful night. After the nurse left, Sissy and I spent the day there taking turns sitting with mom
–
it was heartbreaking but I wouldn
’
t have been anywhere else. At 5:30 P.M. my brother-in-law came by with chicken and salads for dinner. The three of us were sitting in the living room of my mom
’
s apartment eating and chatting, when I felt this strange feeling and I stood up and said I was going to go and check on mom. I walked into her bedroom and saw right away she had stopped breathing. She was still warm to the touch so I held her hand and cried a little. After a few minutes I went back out to the living room and said, “I think mom has died.”
They both jumped up and ran to the bedroom, I followed. They both cried and when I touched mom
’
s cheek it had gone cold. That
’
s when all the phone calls had to be made to the coroner, the funeral home, and all family members. When I called Sheelagh she was a calm and gentle presence for me and was absolutely wonderful saying all the things I needed to hear.
I missed Sheelagh so much and since it was the weekend, and there wasn’t anything I could do in St.Catharines until Monday, I headed home for the weekend. It was wonderful to see Sheelagh and have her hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. She looked good but I didn
’
t want to squeeze her too hard because I was worried about popping her new breasts. She told me it wasn
’
t possible, but I didn
’
t believe her. I thought she needed more time to heal.
I was just there for the two days and then I drove back to St. Catharines again on Monday. Sheelagh had to stay at home because we were having a new furnace installed and we couldn
’
t cancel it. She was taking it easy but had to get her own meals and make her own tea. She wasn
’
t getting as spoiled as she would have been had I been able to be home with her. She was just great about it and was holding up well.