“Just take your damn pants off,” I said.
“Lady’s choice then,” he said. He sat back on his heels and I watched as he unsnapped the fly of his jeans. He shoved them down to his knees and settled against me without entering me. I pulled my knees up, using my feet to push his jeans off him completely.
“It’s only fair,” I told him as I wrapped my legs around his tight glutes.
“Condom?” he asked.
I blinked against the heady feeling caused by his warm erection resting against my belly. “I’m on the pill.”
“Jillian?” It was a question.
I’d never done this before. I’d always doubled up, but I thought I would go crazy if he moved away from me for even a moment.
“I’m clean, and I trust you.” It was permission.
One of the perks of constant doctor visits and blood tests was that I knew everything that was wrong with me, and STDs were not on the list, thanks to always being careful.
He hesitated but our eyes met and my heart slammed against my chest, and I knew then that nothing would be the same with us after this. He brought his lips to mine, but he didn’t enter me. It was a slow kiss, full of promises. I knew we’d never keep them, but I didn’t care, because in this moment all I needed was him.
“Are you sure?” he asked one more time, drawing his head back to meet my eyes.
“Yes.” It was more a breath than a word. I was asking him as much as he was asking me.
His hands reached up and loosened the scarves, allowing my hands to slip free. He caught my arm, planting kisses along it as he brought it up to his neck. We watched each other with tentative need. Liam moved down and eased inside of me without another word. I gasped as he thrust gently into me, and tears pooled at the edge of my eyes as an ache burst in my chest. He slowed, and I knew he saw them.
“Jillian, I—”
I brought his mouth to mine. I couldn’t bear to hear what he was going to say in this moment. Not when I wanted so badly for him to say something I had never heard before. And not when I wanted so badly for him to never say it.
But it was on his lips, and I could taste it, and I knew it was on my own as well, so we clung to each other, pressed together and entwined.
Liam pushed against me gently until we were both moving in the same rhythm. He never left me, and I felt swollen and alive with him inside of me. He pulled back and looked into my eyes as the pressure built in my core. I held his gaze, even as my eyes tried to close as the first tremors rippled through me. He groaned as he came, murmuring my name in invocation, and I met his cry with my own as an orgasm swelled in me and burst. But our eyes stayed locked on each other. We never looked away.
chapter fifteen
The apartment was quiet and dark as we laid there, wrapped together. Liam’s face nuzzled my neck, his arm resting casually across my stomach. We didn’t sleep for a long time. It was a magical sort of solitude, being there with each other like we were the only two people in the world. I drifted into my dreams in his arms.
When sun broke through my window, I woke to find myself still cocooned in Liam’s arms. We had barely shifted in our sleep. I let myself stare at him for a few minutes, trying to decipher the ache I felt through the core of my body. His eyes were closed, his dark blond lashes fluttering slightly as he slept. I moved my hand up to his chest and felt the steady beat of his heart. I counted them, each one more precious than the last, and I realized I was falling in love with him.
I swallowed hard on this realization and extricated myself carefully from his arms. I slipped out of bed and found his long t-shirt. When I pulled it over my head, I could smell the cologne lingering on it, mixing with detergent and something else. The scent—Liam’s scent—made my pulse race. I needed to get out of here, so I opened the door quietly and headed toward the bathroom. Before I could reach it, Jess poked her out of her bedroom and smiled.
“It was quiet in here,” she said. “But given the frog on the counter and that shirt, I’m guessing we have breakfast plans.”
I shook my head, trying to clear it so I could answer her, but all I could manage was, “Liam’s still sleeping.”
She followed me into the bathroom and brushed her hair while I started the shower. I could tell she wanted details, but she wasn’t going to ask for them, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to share them.
Last night had been more intimate than any other night of my life. The memory of it was raw and new, and I wasn’t sure I could spill something that personal, even with Jess. It felt like it belonged to Liam and me, as though sharing it would have broken some unspoken rule.
But still, I wanted to share it with her. I just didn’t know what to say.
“Was your date nice?” she finally asked, turning to watch as I grabbed for a fresh towel in the linen closet.
I nodded, avoiding her gaze as I found the shampoo bottle. Why couldn’t I tell Jess how I felt about him? Why couldn’t I tell
him
?
“Are you going to talk to me?” she asked. She leaned against the bathroom counter and crossed her arms.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted to her. “I can’t quite explain what happened last night. It’s too fresh.”
“Shit, Jills, what did you two do?” Jess looked a little worried.
“I’m not ready to talk about it.” That felt right. I wasn’t ready. I needed to process. The shower would help me do that, and then I could talk to Jess about Liam later.
“You’re scaring me,” Jess said in a soft voice.
“I don’t know how to say it. It sounds cheesy,” I said.
“Jills!”
“We…made love.”
Jess’s eyebrows popped up in surprise, and I buried my face in my hands. I could not believe that actually came out of my mouth. It sounded like a line from a bad movie. One of the ones where the girl dies or the guy goes off to war. It so didn’t fit my life…until now.
“Wow,” she murmured.
“That’s all you’ve got, huh?”
Jess looked like she was trying to decide what to say. I couldn’t blame her. Love was a dirty word by my standards. It didn’t fit into my personal catch and release philosophy.
“So you two are dating then?” she asked me.
I took a deep breath and blew it out, trying to steady myself against the dizziness swimming in my head. “I guess so.”
Jess lunged forward and gripped me in a tight hug.
“Geez. We’re not getting married,” I muttered as she clutched me.
Jess leaned back, gripping my shoulders and looked at me with wide, serious eyes. “This is amazing, Jills.”
“I know.” I willed myself to believe it.
“No,” she stopped me. “I know you’re confused, but I saw you this morning. You were smiling. He makes you happy.”
Liam made me more than happy. He made me laugh. He made my toes curl in bed. But there was one problem. “He barely knows me,” I reminded her. “I haven’t told him.”
“You will.” Jess kissed my cheek. “And it’s going to be all right. If you didn’t scare him off before now, I don’t think that will scare him off.”
“Are you saying I was a bitch?” I asked her with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “But you already knew that.”
I looked to the running shower. “I need to grab a shower. I’m a little sticky.”
Jess’s mouth fell open. “You really aren’t going to tell me about last night?”
“Nope,” I said, grinning despite myself.
“You’re killing me, Jills,” she pouted as I pushed her out the bathroom door.
I peeked through the door and whispered, “It was mind-blowing.”
I shut the door as she yelled, “Tease!”
Adjusting the heat of the shower, I got in and reached for the soap. Remnants of chocolate ice-cream had tightened my skin, and I washed it off, letting my mind wander back to the evening before. I’d never been with a guy like that before. Not just in bed, but on our date. There was something about Liam that helped me relax. I’d shown him my weird side on more than one occasion now, and he kept coming back. I wanted to believe Jess when she said that nothing I could tell him would make that change. The shower stall slid open, and Liam slipped in beside me.
“Were you going to let me sleep all morning?” he asked as we pressed close together under the running water.
“You looked peaceful,” I told him. “Sated and happy. I thought I’d let you sleep.”
“Sated?” he said with a laugh.
“Weren’t you?” I asked him.
“Until I woke up without you, chicken,” he murmured, brushing his lips across my jaw. I brought my mouth to his, but he pulled back.
“Jillian, about last night,” he began.
“I need you to know something,” I interrupted, taking a deep breath. “I’ve never done that with anyone before.”
“I know,” he said softly.
“I didn’t want you think I was a slut or something.” The words tumbled out of my mouth. I knew I was babbling, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“I would never think that,” he said.
“I brought you home the first night I met you,” I reminded him.
“I came home with you the first night I met you. What’s your point?” he asked.
He had me there.
“But,” he continued. “Last night was amazing, and while I’m fairly certain I could spend the rest of my life in bed with you, I want to slow down.”
I blinked at his words. “Slow down?”
“We jumped into bed together. I don’t want you think I’m only after sex,” he said in a quiet voice.
That had never occurred to me with Liam. I had known plenty of guys who were just after sex. He didn’t strike me as the type. The problem was that I liked sex. I
loved
sex with him. I wasn’t entirely sold on this slowing down idea or the reasoning behind it. “So you got into the shower with me to tell me you don’t want to have sex with me?” I asked him. “Is this some type of psychological experiment?”
Liam took a step back. “Sorry.”
“No, you’re right,” I said. The closer I got to Liam, the more I was sure I was falling for him. It was happening too fast. Maybe putting sex on hold for a while would help us figure things out with clearer heads.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said.
“You’re going back to Scotland,” I said softly. For the first time, just thinking about this sent a twinge of panic through me.
“Not for a long time, chicken.” He wrapped his arms around me, and I settled into his chest. I wished I could stay here like this, but Jess might want to use the bathroom again today.
“Hand me the shampoo?” I asked, pulling out of his arms.
Liam reached behind him and squirted some shampoo into his palm. “Lean back.”
I tipped my hair back into the stream of water, soaking it through completely. I brought my head back up to meet Liam’s eyes as his fingers combed into my hair, spreading the shampoo through it. I moaned a little as his hands massaged into my scalp.
“I had no idea this would get you so excited,” he teased.
“I moan at the salon, too. Don’t get cocky.”
Liam guided my head back under the water and washed it out.
“Your turn,” I said as I wiggled to the other side of him and grabbed the shampoo. I reached up and soaped his hair until it was foamy, forming it into a mohawk.
“Do I look cool?” he asked.
“Very rock star.”
He leaned back and rinsed. There was an awkward pause, so I leaned forward to turn off the water, but Liam blocked me.
“I could use a few minutes more, if you don’t mind.” His grin was unusually sheepish, and I frowned.
“Are you sure?” I asked. Stepping forward, I kissed him softly, feeling him press into my stomach. “Oh.”
“Yeah,” Liam said.
“We could always start taking it slowly tomorrow or the day after or next week?” I offered.
“Get out of here,” he said with a laugh, swatting me on the ass.
“Your loss.”
“Don’t I know it?” he said as I slipped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself. I hurried out of the bathroom to give him some privacy and because every inch of me wanted to climb back in with him. Jess’s door was shut as I passed it and went into my room to get dressed. I dug through my closet, looking for the perfect outfit. It felt like the first day of school again, as though the semester had restarted over night. Everything was new and exciting, just waiting to be discovered.
And that scared me.
chapter sixteen
The aquarium sat on the edge of the bay. At first glance, it was easy to mistake it for an ordinary cottage, which is one of the reasons I loved it. I’d gone there fairly often when I’d first come to Olympic Falls, but I hadn’t been this year so far. The clouds were low on the water, sending drifts of fog across my path and up through the city’s cozy downtown hamlet.
I felt giddy as I smoothed my ponytail and applied a little cherry lip balm. I was going to visit the guy who might be my boyfriend, a fact that had my stomach doing flips. Once upon a time, it would have been because I felt stupid, but this was exciting. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but when I pushed open the door, a familiar grin greeted me from across the building. My heart lurched from its steady beat as a pang shot through my chest. I had it bad.
The girl sitting behind the information desk looked me up and down, scowling. “We’re closed. We have a school group coming in.”
Liam rushed over and grabbed my hand. “Kate, this is my girlfriend, Jillian. I asked her to come down.”
My heart jumped. Liam had called me his girlfriend. It shouldn’t surprise me, even though it did. But maybe more surprising was how much I liked hearing it.
“Okay.” Kate said the word slowly like she was searching for an excuse to get me to leave. I wondered if she had a crush on Liam, but then I checked out his lean muscular form and thought of his rough, thick accent. Of course she did, and I didn’t blame her one bit.
“There’s about twenty first graders on their way. I’m doing a lesson on local tide pool life,” Liam explained as he led me past the various tanks. He pulled me behind a large jellyfish exhibit and wrapped his arms around me. The kiss was slow and lingering, lacking the urgency he usually gave off when we were together. His lips were soft as they moved slowly over mine as though he was tasting me for the first time. His hand slipped up my neck and tangled into my hair, loosening my tight ponytail. He clutched my hair and deepened the kiss, crushing his mouth to mine as our hips locked against one another’s. The sound of twenty unruly kids broke us apart, both of us panting as I adjusted my hair and tried to calm my ragged breathing.
Liam wanted to slow down now that we were dating. I wasn’t so sure that was going to be possible.
He stepped out from behind the tank, throwing a wink my way, and called out a welcome to the class. I came out slowly, feeling a little shy given how flushed I felt, but the kids didn’t seem to notice. They swarmed around us, already asking questions and trying to reach into the hands-on exhibits to touch the various anemones and starfish exhibited there. A little girl seized my hand and stared up at me with big eyes. I wasn’t sure if I should shake her off or not. She looked a little scared, but I was the last person who should be entrusted with small children. I would probably say something that would scar her for life. I could just see myself dropping the f-bomb and poor Liam having to apologize to a mob of angry parents. Why hadn’t this occurred to him when he invited me yesterday?
Leaning over, I whispered to him, “You could have told me there were going to be kids here.”
“Why is she here? Is she our teacher?” a boy asked, whacking me in the belly. I shot him a dirty look before I remembered that he was like seven and likely had less impulse control then I did, which was saying something.
“Miss Nichols is my assistant today. Do you know what an assistant is?” Liam asked the group. They quieted and stared at him with confused faces.
“You talk funny,” one yelled.
“Aye, I’m from Scotland, bonnie lass,” he said, over-emphasizing his native tongue. Most of the kids giggled at him.
“An assistant,” a boy piped up, “is someone who helps because they don’t know anything.”
I bit back a laugh at this nugget of wisdom, even though in this case he was right. I knew about as much as they did about tide pools. Unless, of course, they had been studying them in class before today, in which case I knew less.
“Today, we’re going to learn about the sea life you might find in a tide pool. We’re going to start by watching this video,” he explained as the teacher guided the students into a semi-circle on the floor. The video started, explaining how pockets of water were left in the wake of the tide. It was oddly absorbing, but Liam snuck up behind me midway through.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the class. I forgot they were coming this morning,” he admitted, following his confession with the crooked grin I was beginning to love.
“It’s fine, but I should go. I’ll just be in the way.”
“Nonsense,” he whispered. “Maybe you’ll find your true calling amongst the anemones.”
I doubted that. Even though I’d spent my whole life living near the ocean, I wasn’t keen on touching something that looked like it might suck my fingers off.
As it turned out, Liam was gifted at holding the attention of seven-year-olds. Something I was sure I would suck at. They hung off every word he said as he explained the correct way to touch the various creatures in the tide pool tanks. The class split into groups, and the little girl tugged my hand to come with her. Her name tag read “Sarah,” and I reluctantly followed her, but stood back, amazed by how fearless the kids were as they used one finger to gently feel each animal.
“Come on, Miss Nichols,” Liam said, grabbing my elbow and dragging me closer to the tank. “It’s your turn.”
I held back and shook my head as I peered into the water.
“What are those?” I asked as I pointed to a worm-like creature with warts covering its body.
“Sea cucumbers!” Sarah told me.
I made a face at Liam. “Do you eat them?”
“It’s considered a delicacy in Asia,” he said, laughing a little at my reaction.
“Remind me to steer clear of Asia.” I dipped a finger into the tank and braced myself, but the sea cucumber felt like a squishy leather tube.
“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Liam said. “Let’s all give a round of applause for Miss Nichols being brave.” He clapped his hands in a huge circle, and the kids mimicked him enthusiastically. A few weeks ago, I would have pegged him as the world’s biggest dork, but I had to admit that he actually looked pretty sexy. This was the guy that made waffles naked in my kitchen, after all. Embarrassment wasn’t likely to hold him back.
By the end of the hour, I’d gotten brave enough to touch a sea urchin and an anemone, which lazily wrapped its small tentacles around my finger. Liam came up beside me at the tank and carefully squeezed my hip just once. “Next step: diving,” he murmured, his blue eyes trained on me.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him there was no way I was capable of diving, so instead I nodded, my nerves humming with the electricity passing between us.
The insistent tug of a student on Liam’s t-shirt broke the connection between us, and I spent the rest of the morning watching him explain all about the natural sea life near our city’s shores. When the kids finally marched back toward the bus, Liam let out a weary sigh.
“They were energetic,” I said.
“They always are.” He smiled and took my hand, knitting our fingers together. “Do you have class or can we grab a bit of lunch?”
I checked my watch, surprised to see it was only eleven. “I have an hour and a half.”
“Fish and chips?” he offered. It was impossible to resist his imploring eyes.
Outside the air was crisp but still warm enough to not need a jacket. It was an atypically clear day for the rainy Olympic Peninsula without a cloud in the sky. The aquarium was stationed across from the city’s main boardwalk, which emptied onto the primary boat dock. We ambled along it toward the walk-up fish and chips counter. Liam ordered for us, and within minutes, I was cradling a newspaper-wrapped order as we found a spot to sit on the pier. I swung my legs over the side, my feet dangling inches from the water.
“I love this place,” Liam said as he opened his order with reverence. “They do it right. Like back home.”
He bit into a battered plank and moaned.
“You’re going to make me jealous,” I teased, but I had to admit the greasy food hit the spot.
“Only two things elicit moaning from me.” He held up the fish and then leaned in to kiss me. It was an oily kiss and not at all sexy, but butterflies fluttered in my chest anyway.
“What are you going to do when you get back to Scotland?” I asked him. “I mean, when you’re done with your degree?”
He stared at the calm water. “I want to get a position on a research ship. There’s a lot of interesting work going on in the Arctic right now.”
“The Arctic?” I repeated. I couldn’t imagine willingly sailing the frigid seas there.
“I’m interested in climate change,” he explained. “And that’s the best place to start.”
“Oh.” It was strange to see the serious side of Liam, who made waffles and grimaced at green tea ice cream, and I could almost hear Tara bemoaning my own lack of focus.
“That’s months away,” he said, pulling me into him, “and who knows what will happen between now and then.”
I didn’t want to think about that. Of course, he was going back to his home thousands of miles away, but there was no need to talk about it. I wasn’t even certain why I had brought it up in the first place. I abandoned my lunch and crushed against him, finding his lips eagerly. His hands fisted into my shirt, drawing me closer as his tongue slipped into my mouth. I let my own hands trail down to the waist of his jeans, hooking my fingers over it.
Liam withdrew first, his eyes glazed over just a little. I knew this look, and it sent a throb pulsing through me.
“You have class,” he reminded me.
“Screw class,” I said in a low voice, angling my face towards his.
But he didn’t budge. “Jills, I was serious about going slow.”
I dropped back, turning my attention toward the water rippling under my feet. “I know.”
It had seemed like a good idea when he said it. Going slowly meant I wouldn’t get in too deep. If I couldn’t stay in control of my body, how was I going to keep control of my head?
“Hey.” He tucked a finger under my chin and drew my gaze up to meet his. “It took me a while to catch you. I’d like to keep you now.”
“I don’t do relationships,” I said slowly, trying to get the words right. “If anyone fucks this up, it’s going to be me.”
“That’s the nice thing about relationships,” Liam said.
“What?”
“There’s two people involved. If you fuck up, I’ll be around to help you back on your feet.”
A smile slid over my face despite the pressure I felt in my chest. I wanted to believe him, but I wasn’t sure if that was selfishness or optimism. I was well-acquainted with one, but not so much the other.
“So sea cucumbers,” I began as Liam stood and pulled me to my feet. “Have you eaten one?”
“Yes,” he admitted.
“Was there ranch dressing?” I asked.
“It was sashimi-style,” he said with a laugh. “Although I wouldn’t put it past Americans to put ranch dressing on sushi.”
“I bet ranch dressing is excellent on sushi.”
“I will break up with you if you put ranch dressing on sushi,” he warned me.
My iPhone beeped at me and I cursed silently. “I need to use the restroom.”
I dashed toward the public restroom, grateful that I didn’t have to actually use the toilet. As soon as I was inside I popped my pill and counted to thirty, washing the grease from lunch off my fingers. Liam was lounging against the side of the building when I came out, his body silhouetted by the late afternoon sun. Against the bay’s backdrop, the lines of his muscular body were sinuous and inviting. He looked glorious and I had to remind myself that we were taking it slowly and that I would probably get an STD if I jumped him in a public toilet. He held out his hand, and I squinted to see two tiny pills resting in it. My breath hitched at the sight. Had he gone through my bag? Had I left them out?
“Chiclet?” he asked. “I hear it’s the greatest gum in the world.”
I let out a nervous laugh, thankful that for now my secret was safe, and stole them from his hand. I popped the Chiclets in my mouth and relaxed. He was going back to Scotland in a few months, there was no point in telling him. I’d become adept at hiding the truth, even from myself.