Authors: Ella Fox
Tristan came back
a few minutes later carrying a box as a makeshift tray. He smiled at me as he pulled out a big bowl of popcorn and set it on the table. Next he set out two Yoo-Hoos, a 7-Up, a Cherry Pepsi, a blue Gatorade, a bottle of water and a Snapple.
“What is this, a dentist
’s worst nightmare?”
With a chuckle he started opening some of the boxes of candy, setting them up in a row. “Well, I guess it’s that too, now that you mention it. I went to Walmart this afternoon and bought us a whole bunch of stuff for the movie.”
I watched in equal parts shock and amazement as he put Skittles, M&Ms, peanuts, Gummy Bears and Milk Duds in the popcorn bowl—with the freakin’ popcorn—before mixing it all around and holding it out to me. “Heaven in a bowl, Mimi. Take a bite.”
Raising my eyebrows at him, I shook my head. “Ah, pretty sure that’s hell in a bowl. Why would you mix that all together?”
“Nah, you can’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it. Right now you’re thinking it’s nasty, but once you’ve eaten some, I guarantee you’ll keep right on going.”
My stomach was screaming ‘don’t do it, asshole!’ as my hand reached into the bowl, but I got a small handful and put it in my mouth. With the first bite, I was in heaven. H-E-A-V-E-N. I’d never have mixed that series of snacks, but they came together for the perfect blend of salty and sweet. I smiled at him as I chewed, giving a thumbs-up of approval.
“See,” he said proudly. “It tastes fuckin’ awesome! People always talk shit but I’m telling you, I could sell this.”
Gesturing to the drinks on the table he asked, “What’s your poison?”
I felt it, the stirrings of the clawing panic. Closing my eyes for a minute I tried to center myself. I could accept a drink from someone. Not every guy is out to drug girls. Besides, these all have lids on them. It’s safe. I’m safe. Tristan isn’t Brady or Chad. Opening my eyes I said, “I’m going with water.”
“Water? I only brought that out cause it was cold. When I was at Walmart I just kept pulling shit off the shelves in the hopes you’d like something I chose… guess that didn’t work. Oh well, water it is. You have to tell me what you like to drink so I can have it here for you.”
I felt the butterflies again, a million tiny wings fluttering in my stomach. He thought of me while he was shopping and tried to pick things that he thought I would like. I’ve never felt as if I’ve been considered before, but with Tristan, I think I am. After twisting off the cap I took a sip and smiled at him. “If we were just eating popcorn I would have picked the Snapple cause that’s my favorite. But since we’re eating from the cavity buffet tonight, I’m choosing to wash it down with something that won’t have me bouncing off the walls.”
“If you bounce off the walls, I promise I won’t say a word.”
“Aw, thanks Stan,” I replied with a laugh. “You’re a real friend. I have to ask though… what’s the deal with you and this crazy diet? Yoo-Hoo, candy, chocolate…you eat terribly!”
I swear that I could actually see the shutters coming down in his eyes. What
I’d said clearly triggered something, but I’m not sure what. I felt like shit because he’d been nothing but nice to me, and I didn’t mean to upset him. God knows I understood how the wrong words can stir up painful feelings.
I wa
tched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed before answering. “Trace and I were raised by our grandmother and she was very, very strict. We weren’t allowed to eat anything like this unless we did it behind her back while we were at the McKenzies’ house. Now that I buy my own food, I automatically reach for the things I was denied all of those years.”
“That happens a lot
to kids these days,” I answered. “My mom is pregnant and she’s getting all wrapped up in the organic food movement. My stepfather and I are trying to talk her out of being the food police. I’m so bringing up your sweet tooth to her as an example of what happens when you make a food off-limits.”
He laughed as he rolled his beautiful
chocolate eyes at me. “So now I’m a cautionary tale?”
“Not exactly,” I said with a smile. “Other than your sweet tooth, you seem to have turned out p
erfectly normal.”
“
I can think of someone who would disagree,” he muttered.
I didn’t know what to say to that, and he jumped up to put the DVD in before I could put anything together. We were laughing out loud during a lot of the movie and when
Ted
was finished, we moved on to
21 Jump Street
. I had a lot of fun with Tristan and I felt comfortable—not totally at ease, but as close as I’ve come with a guy since the night that Brady and Chad annihilated my sense of trust. When the movies were over I helped put the leftover snacks away and then I left. The whole way home I smiled like a dork because for the first time in my life, I think I really have a guy friend.
You don’t just ‘get over’ something like what happened to Macy and me at Brady’s house on Saturday night. I still feel like forty miles of bad road and I also feel guilty
—
so fucking guilty
—
about the fact that none of it would have happened if Brady weren’t out for some sick form of revenge on me because of my father. Why, I have no idea since my father clearly prefers Brady and I’ve never been anything but an annoying afterthought. I’ve always known that Brady dislikes me, but I had no idea how deep that ran until now. I should have known that his stance on me hadn’t changed. I wish I’d never told Macy that Brady had texted to invite us over. I feel like a failure for not trying harder to put my concerns about his invitation into words that she understood.
Dealing with all of that is emotionally exhausting, but the thing that shames me the most is the fact that I feel any sense of relief that Brady and Chad didn’t take my virginity. Even though I don’t know why they didn’t, I’m relieved. I feel like such a horrible failure as a friend for thinking that. It kills me that I have any sense of comfort that I wasn’t violated
in the way that my best friend was. What kind of a person does that make me?
I wanted to stay home from school today but Macy was insistent that we absolutely had to be there. She’s been almost totally unglued since the shit hit the fan on Friday night and I’m worried that even one wrong turn could make her lose control of herself. It’s scary as hell and I’m going to do everything I can to keep her calm. She needs me at school today so here I am, standing in front of our shared locker waiting for her to finish pulling out her books.
She looks awful and it’s scaring the shit out of me. Her coloring is terrible and she looks like a tiny gust of wind would knock her over. The bags under her eyes are so bad that if I didn’t know better, I would swear that she hasn’t slept in months. On top of all that her hands are shaking so badly she’s having trouble getting her books.
“Mace,” I begged in a quiet whisper, “Just let me take you home.”
Slamming the locker she turned and glared at me. “I’m not going home, Mia. What do you think I’m going to do there all day that’s any better than this? At least being here I won’t be staring at a wall thinking about what it felt like to have both of them inside my body at the same time. I need to be here, need things to be fucking normal. Just please… let me have this. School has nothing to do with them or what they did to us, and I need to be here.”
The morning crawled by at a snail’s pace, and by the time lunch arrived I felt like I’d gone a few rounds in a UFC cage match. I feel like I’m in an alternate reality than everyone else at our lunch table. They’re all laughing and talking about the weekend while Macy and I sit here and try not to act weird. Trying not to act a certain way instantly makes you feel like a freak. Things that used to come naturally seem impossible now and I just want the day to be over.
Feeling my phone buzz in my pocket, I pulled it out and opened the screen to find a message from Brady. My heart stopped and my head began to swim, and it was only when Macy grabbed my hand in a death squeeze that I snapped out of it at all.
“What’s wrong?” she whispered.
My voice was suddenly on strike and I couldn’t say a word. I knew that if I opened my mouth, I was going to vomit. I showed her his name on the screen and then I jumped up from the table and ran to the bathroom. I heard her keeping up with me the whole way, and once we got inside I ran into the large handicapped stall and dropped to the ground. She was down on the floor next to me in a second.
She set her head on my shoulder as I brought the phone up and swiped the screen to open the message. My brain turned to mush when I saw that he’d sent photos, and Macy’s gasp sounded like it had come from far, far away.
There were a series of five pictures, each one worse than the last. In the first photo Macy and I were both naked and posed in a way that made it appear as if we were making out. In the second, I had Brady or Chad’s penis in my mouth. In the third, Macy was on her knees and one of them was having sex with her. In the fourth, I was naked on the floor and Macy’s head was between my legs. The fifth and final shot was of Macy with semen on her face and my head buried between her thighs. After the last photo, he texted:
Brady: Remembering our fantastic Friday. If you want to come over later for a repeat performance, I’m UP for it.
I knew that Macy and I were completely out of it and not participating in any of those photos. You could see that we were totally knocked on our asses if you really looked, but if anyone else ever sees them, they’re going to think that we were complete whores who had been very much into what had happened that night.
Macy was a shaky mess, but was somehow managing to hold up better than me right in this moment. Grabbing my shoulders
, she gripped me firmly.
“Don’t you freak out on me now. We’re fine. We’re going to stay fine. He only sent those pictures to let us know what he’ll do if we tell anyone about what he and Chad did. Since we’re never going to tell anyone, we don’t need to worry about it.”
When you’re in danger and everything is going horribly wrong, your mind can choose to ignore reality. Even as I made the decision to ignore reality, I knew that I would be hearing more from Brady. I just chose to pretend that I wouldn’t.
* * *
It’s been three weeks since “the incident” and Macy’s getting much, much worse. She’s short-tempered with me and does everything in her power to spend as little time with me as humanly possible and it hurts like hell. She’s gone out the past few weekends with the druggies and the kids who drink a lot and she didn’t even call me for my eighteenth birthday. Even though I get that she’s in agony and is just trying to find her way through it, it hurts that she ignores me.
She’s been my best friend since my first day of preschool and I miss her. As time goes on and she keeps this up, I’m also getting angry with her. If she hadn’t forced my hand we wouldn’t have gone to Brady’s and none of this would have happened. Why is she punishing me for it? I know it’s my fault that Brady even thought of doing what he did, but it isn’t totally my fault that we fell into his hands. I absolutely hate myself for thinking that way at all, but in my quiet moments I can’t make myself stop. Aren’t we both responsible for making such a stupid choice?
Tonight, for the first time in weeks, we’re at the same party together. One of the football players is hosting an all-team, all-cheer party and everyone who’s part of the football or cheerleading team is here, so that’s why Macy had to show up.
We might be in the same place geographically, but physically we’re worlds apart. I’m standing with some of the junior cheerleaders and Macy is in a corner with Heather the über bitch chugging god only knows what. Macy hates Heather as much as I do and I can’t believe she’s spending time with her instead of with me.
The party was in full swing and the music was getting louder and louder as more and more people showed up. I’ve never in my life had a problem with crowds, but now having all of these people surrounding me is freaking me out.
I startled when I felt someone put an arm around my waist, and before I turned to look I knew that it was Brady because my skin was crawling. “Hey sexy, you ready to take some dicks yet?
My
dad’s always said that you’ll turn out to be a filthy whore, just like your mother. What’re you waiting for?”
I couldn’t breathe and my body was suddenly burning from the inside out. Shoving him away from me, I ran toward the first door I saw, gasping for air as I skidded into the backyard. A large group of people gaped at me, cluing me into the fact that I look like a frightened shaky mess. Running around the corner of the house, I found a deserted spot next to the trashcans and dropped down to the ground where I pulled my knees up to my chin and held tight as I shook uncontrollably.
It felt like I was dying and I didn’t know what to do or how the hell to get away. Suddenly I realized that I’d left Macy behind, and I knew that Brady would go for her next. Jumping up, I ran for the house, bursting through the door as I frantically scanned the crowd for her. I found her quickly and when I did my heart dropped. Brady had her trapped in a corner and she was white as a sheet and looked like she was going to pass out.
I physically shoved people out of the way in order to get to her, and I heard more than one person call me a bitch as I did so. I didn’t give a shit what any of them said as long as I got Macy away from him.
When I reached them, I could hear the vile things he was saying to her and it broke my already shaky control into smithereens.
“Don’t act like you didn’t like having your ass and your pussy fucked at the same time, because you’re lying. You begged for it. Don’t you remember that? You should thank me for fucking your slutty ass. It was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.”
Without thinking, I grabbed the back of his hair and pulled him away from her with every ounce of strength I possessed. I had the element of surprise on my side and he stumbled and fell. When he looked up at me, I saw the rage and I knew that I was going to pay for embarrassing him, but in the moment, I didn’t care.
I grabbed Macy’s hand and pulled her behind me through the crowd. We were almost to the front door when I heard Brady yell, “Jesus
, Mia, I wasn’t trying to keep your girlfriend away from you. You really are one jealous dyke.”
There were oohs and aahs as he said it, and my stomach cramped up painfully in response to his words. Brady Howard is the devil, and I wished right then that he was dead. Macy had my hand in a death grip and she pulled me hard out the door, the two of us working together to get away from him.
I thought that I knew terror after the night that Brady and Chad drugged us, but I hadn’t known then how much worse it could get. Even running from the party with Macy, I didn’t understand that I knew nothing about misery. Not in the way that I was about to.