Authors: Lynne Truss
Tags: #Humorous, #Horror, #Mystery & Detective, #Fiction, #General
Cat Out of Hell
Praise for
Cat Out of Hell
“An incredible tale … Full of trademark dry Truss humor and lovely literary references, this book has some unforgettably gory bits, too. You may never look at a cat in quite the same way again.”
–
Daily Mail
“It’s not really horror at all, but a masterpiece of comic writing. Truss expertly mixes up screenplay, emails and a parodic first-person narration, and the result is a novel as entertaining as it is addictive.”
–
The Sunday Telegraph
“One of those rare books that actually makes the reader laugh out loud, with its tale of evil, mind-controlling cats … Impossible not to read in one sitting.”
–
The Sunday Times
“There’s an apology at the beginning to anyone expecting ‘proper horror.’ For this is cozy fright-lite—more gentle escapism than serious screams. Of course there’s not an apostrophe out of place. But Truss is no dull punctuation prefect. Warm humor was what made
Eats, Shoots and Leaves
a hit and she hasn’t lost her touch. There are plenty of spirited references to modern life, including people cycling on the pavement, misusing their mobile phones and even older men running off with younger girls … It is good fun and the perfect lesson in how to use the power of punctuation to your advantage.”
–
Evening Standard
“Reading it is like walking at speed through a steep, higgledy-piggledy town at dusk—perhaps one of those in Dorset, where the book’s climax takes place. It has a whiff of Dennis Wheatley and M R James about it at times … [Truss displays a] genuine flair for the macabre … and great pathos with which she writes about the gossamer thread sometimes separating life from death … Truss brings an eerie, 19th-century kind of horror into the present-day world.”
–
The Guardian
“A wonderful tale full of parodies, pastiches and paradoxes. pure joy.”
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The Telegraph
“A comic chiller in the best tradition of mad British humor.”
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Daily Express
“An inventive tale that’s sure to make you smile. Even if you’re a dog person.”
–
SFX
“Tremendous fun.”
–
SciFi Now
“A Gothic tale guaranteed to surprise, move and entertain.”
–
Woman’s Weekly
“I doubt there are many authors with the wit, never mind the willingness, to render the glub and gruesome as well as Lynne Truss does.”
–
Tor.com
Also by Lynne Truss
FICTION
A Certain Age
Going Loco
Tennyson’s Gift
With One Lousy Free Packet of Seed
NONFICTION
Get Her Off the Pitch
Talk to the Hand
Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
Making the Cat Laugh
FOR CHILDREN
Twenty-Odd Ducks: Why, Every Punctuation Mark Counts!
The Girl’s Like Spaghetti: Why, You Can’t Manage Without Apostrophes!
Eats, Shoots & Leaves: Why, Commas Really do Make a Difference!
CAT OUT OF HELL
Copyright © 2015 by Lynne Truss
Originally published by Hammer, an imprint of Random House, in the United Kingdom, February 2014
First Melville House printing: March 2015
Melville House Publishing
145 Plymouth Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201
and
8 Blackstock Mews
Islington
London N4 2BT
mhpbooks.com
facebook.com/mhpbooks
@melvillehouse
Library of Congress
Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Truss, Lynne.
Cat out of hell / Lynne Truss. – First edition.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-61219-442-4 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-61219-443-1 (ebook)
I. Title.
PR6070.R87C38 2015
823’.914—dc23
2014029141
Design by Christopher King
v3.1
To Gemma,
who loves proper horror,
with apologies
Contents
PART ONE
BESIDE THE SEA
The following story, which is absolutely true, was brought to my attention when I was holidaying recently on the coast of North Norfolk. The month was January. I was in search of silence and tranquillity. I had rented a cottage which provided a fine view of the deserted nearby sea-shore, on which my small brown dog could run in safety. Having recently suffered the loss of my dear wife, I chose the location with care – isolation was precisely what I required, for I was liable to sudden bouts of uncontrollable emotion, and wished not to be the cause of distress or discomfort in others. For a week or two, I was glad to be alone here: to make the fire, cook simple meals, watch the dog running in happy circles at the far-off water’s edge, and weep freely in private whenever the need inexorably overcame me.
But I forgot that I would need mental stimulus. At the end of Michaelmas term I had bade farewell to my position at the library in Cambridge with few real regrets; the work had been mechanical for quite some time, and I had assumed I would not miss it. I remember debating whether to pack my laptop. This is strange to think of now. Had I not brought it with me, perhaps
the following story would never have been told. But pack it I did. And one stormy evening, when the wind was moaning in the chimney, and I was craving intellectual occupation, I suddenly remembered that, around the close of the year, a library member of small acquaintance had sent to me by email the following folder of documents and other files, under the general title “Roger.” I opened it gratefully, and for several hours afterwards, I was transported by its contents. By turns I was confused, suspicious, impatient and even cynical. The story therein conveyed was outlandish, not to say preposterous. And yet, as I continued to study the material over the ensuing days, I felt increasingly inclined to believe it. Sad to say, I think what finally convinced me of the files’ veracity was the staggering stupidity of the man named throughout as “Wiggy,” through whose pitifully inadequate understanding these events are mainly delivered to us. As my wife would have said (I can hear her now), you couldn’t make him up.
Naturally, I wondered on occasion what lay behind Dr Winterton’s decision to send this material to me. But being unable to make contact with him (no wi-fi here), I was bound to accept the most likely explanation. I had rented a lonely cottage on the seaside; Winterton had somehow heard tell of it; he knew that this story unfolded in a similarly lonely cottage beside the sea. Though I often tried to picture Dr Winterton, I found that I could capture only, in my mind’s eye, a fleeting impression of a snaggle tooth and a hollow, unshaven cheek, and possibly (oddly) the smell of cloves. In former times, I would have asked Mary, of course. She had been my colleague at the library for the past twenty years; even though her position was part-time, she had paid lively attention to the members in a way that I would sometimes find bewildering. I remember how she would, on occasion, attempt to discuss the members with me at dinner, and grow incredulous (but amused) when I was
able to call to mind not one of the persons concerned. I believe she did once mention Winterton to me in particular, but she would be unsurprised to learn that I could now recollect nothing of the circumstances of her dealings with him. For several years she was in charge of allocating the carrels in the great reading room, so perhaps it was related to that. She was the most wonderful, practical, and rational woman, my dear Mary. She would never have taken this simple cottage! She would have been instantly alive to all its frustrating inconveniences. But she would have laughed with sheer pleasure to see our dog running so happily on the deserted shore. Every time he does it, I feel her loss most dreadfully.
After long consideration, I have decided to present this material exactly in the order I encountered it myself. Who is Roger? Wait and see. I hope this is not confusing, but at the same time, I have come to believe that I should editorialise as little as possible. I will merely make clear, to begin with, that the “written” files – including the rather pointless and silly dramatic efforts – are by the man calling himself Wiggy. Descriptions of photographs and transcripts of the audio files are by me.
Contents of ROGER folder
WORD files:
ROGER NOTES (119KB)
ROGER THOUGHTS (66KB)
MORE STUFF (33KB)
ROGER DREAM (40KB)
JPEGs:
DSC00546 (2MB)
DSC00021 (1.6MB)
DSC00768 (3.8MB)
Files in FINAL DRAFT (screenwriting software):
Roger Screenplay 1 (25KB)
Roger Screenplay 2 (18KB)
AUDIO files:
ONE (48.7MB)
TWO (64MB)
ROGER SCREENPLAY 1
(by Wiggy)
The kitchen of a coastal cottage on a gusty night. Scary stuff! Windows rattle. A kettle steams, having just been boiled. There is a sense of awkwardness, reflected in the MUSIC. Under a pool of yellow light at the kitchen table, a digital audio recorder is glinting. Facing each other at the table, their backs in shadow, are
WIGGY
and
ROGER.
Close-up on the recorder: it is recording
.
Close-up on wall clock. It is 11:45. Close-up on window: it’s VERY DARK
.
WIGGY
shudders. He is a handsome man in his mid-thirties; attractive and serious
.
ROGER
stares, breathes. Music now suggestive of heartbeats
.
WIGGY
speaks first
.
WIGGY
Shall we start?
ROGER
Whenever you like.
WIGGY
Can I get you anything?
ROGER
Such as?
WIGGY
Water.
ROGER
No.
WIGGY
Tasty tit-bit?
ROGER
(
affronted
)
No.
WIGGY
(
trying to lighten the tone
)