Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America (34 page)

Paul and I pull into the city and drive by the bus stops I use daily here—my training grounds for this finally about-to-be-completed hitchhiking trip. I almost feel giddy. Shocked that I’ve actually done this. “From my Baltimore house to the door of my San Francisco apartment building”—the book pitch is finally going to be a reality.

We pull up and Vincent is not here yet. That’s okay—I’ll get the doorman to take the photo. I can’t expect Paul, who seems game, to stick around forever for a photo shoot. I barge into the lobby still carrying my sign, and there’s a doorman I don’t really know as well as the others. I must look unreasonably excited, beyond nuts. He eyes my sign quizzically as I hastily explain, “I’ve just hitchhiked across the country,” and ask, “Would you take my photo outside with my last ride if the guy who was supposed to show up to take it doesn’t arrive soon?” The doorman agrees without comment, maybe thinking I’m kidding. I call my office and tell Susan and Trish, “I have arrived!” They seem incredibly relieved and send out an e-mail to all my friends: “He just called from the lobby of his building in San Francisco. He made it!”

I go back outside and no Vincent, so I figure, let poor Paul go pick up his table. His ride was a short but momentous one for me. I can’t hold up the gracious, good-humored man’s life much longer. I get the doorman, and Paul and I pose beside his van as I hold my
80-W SAN FRANCISCO
sign for the final time. The doorman snaps a few different shots and it’s done. Paul chuckles at the whole situation and we shake hands goodbye and he pulls off. I walk, stunned, inside my building to the elevator.

The Corvette Kid is safely inside my apartment, sitting in the dark, seemingly too nervous to touch anything, even a light switch. Vincent shows up and laughs at the missed photo opportunity, and I introduce him to The Corvette Kid. It’s almost as if I don’t know how to act or speak anymore back in my real life. Susan e-mails that “if it was my unknown ass, I’d still be [hitching] in West Virginia.” I check my San Francisco answering machine and hear Mink Stole sobbing in relief that I made it. I am moved
and
shocked to realize she was
this
concerned. I weigh myself. I have lost one pound.

Playlist
(Go ahead! Find them online and listen.)

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Of course, I would like to thank my two assistants, Susan Allenback and Trish Schweers, not only for being characters in this book, but also for running Hitchhiker Central in my office for the two and a half years it took to write and live this adventure. They did endless research, sometimes on joyful subjects, but more often on hideous ones, without the blinking of an eye (or at least ones
I
saw). Trish plotted my fictional geographical route better than AAA ever could have, and Susan tracked down devices to safely monitor me and forced me to realize I had to go shopping for sensible hitchhiker supplies before I left
non
fictionally. Once I was out on the highway, they were my lifeline to reality and were there for me in times of despair. Most important, they kept the secret of my hitchhiking trip until after it had been completed.

Both typed the manuscript from my Twombly-esque handwritten first drafts and, most embarrassing for me, had to read the sex parts concerning their own boss. Susan commented it was hard for her “to tell the difference between ‘the Best That Could Happen’ parts and ‘the Worst’” in the fictional sections of the book. Susan and Trish are both incredibly skilled at editing and did so with me endlessly before we turned in the manuscript to the publisher.
Carsick
is their book, too.

The music playlist was also a group effort. Larry Benicewicz, who has helped me find music for all my movies and the
A John Waters Christmas
and
A Date with John Waters
CD compilations, led me to hitchhiking songs I never knew existed. Pauline Fisher and Mike Page also found me tunes that made the final cut. Jill Fannon hunted down all the selections online and made me endless versions of
Carsick
’s soundtrack so I could audition each number.

My literary agent, Bill Clegg, was the first to hear of my hitchhiking idea, but I begged him not to reveal it yet to Farrar, Straus and Giroux because, first, I wanted to be sure I had the nerve to do it. He kept nagging me to at least let him “tease the concept” and I vaguely said yes, and the next day he called to say they wanted to do it. Gulp.

This is my second book with FSG, and I’m spoiled. What a great team! Jonathan Galassi, my editor, never doubted I’d make it, and when I was halfway through the trip, stuck on some godforsaken entrance ramp, his encouraging texts were all I needed to keep going. Susan Goldfarb is a patient and expert production editor (I challenge you to find even
one
typo in
Role Models
), and working with her again was a privilege. Ellis Levine gave me focused legal advice, and every time I do a book with him I learn. I’d also like to thank him for never mentioning my singing asshole in our discussion in a legal
or
nonlegal way.

But more than anything, I’d like to praise the drivers who picked me up. If I ever hear another elitist jerk use the term
flyover people
, I’ll punch him in the mouth. My riders were brave and open-minded, and their down-to-earth kindness gave me new faith in how decent Americans can be. They are the only heroes in this book.

ALSO BY JOHN WATERS

Role Models

Crackpot: The Obsessions of John Waters

Shock Value: A Tasteful Book About Bad Taste

Art: A Sex Book
(with Bruce Hainley)

Pink Flamingos and Other Filth

Hairspray, Female Trouble, and Multiple Maniacs

Farrar, Straus and Giroux

18 West 18th Street, New York 10011

Copyright © 2014 by John Waters

All rights reserved

First edition, 2014

Frontispiece photograph by Shauta Marsh.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Waters, John, 1946–

    Carsick / John Waters. — First edition.

       p.   cm.

    ISBN 978-0-374-29863-0 (hardcover) — ISBN 978-0-374-70930-3 (ebook)

    1.  Waters, John, 1946– Travel—United States.   2.  Motion picture producers and directors—United States—Biography.   3.  Hitchhiking—United States.   4.  United States—Description and travel.   5.  United States—Social life and customs—21st century—Humor.   I.  Title.

PN1998.3.W38 A3 2014

791.4302'33092—dc23

[B]

2013034093

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The characters of Johnny Davenport, Connie Francis, and Paula Baniszewski portrayed in this work are used fictitiously.