Captivation (11 page)

Afterwards, Juliette didn’t sleep. She lay still in the darkness, breathing in Danny’s presence and thinking about her plan. In the end, really, it seemed so obvious that she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t thought of it sooner. It was clear that it was the only solution, and while she suspected that Danny might not love the idea straightaway, she was confident that she could win him over – and if not, she would just follow through on her own. She doubted that, even with their strong connection, he would have the power to stop her. Once she put her mind to something, it was extremely difficult for her opinion to be swayed.

What are you thinking about?

‘You don’t know?’

No. Your thoughts seem sort of … guarded. Is there something that you’re hiding from me?

‘Not intentionally.’

Is everything alright?

‘Everything is perfect.’

Juliette must have fallen asleep eventually, because when she opened her eyes, the room had a certain stillness about it, and the feeling that you only got in the very dead of the night. She guessed it was three or maybe fouram.

She sat up in the bed and smiled to herself. In her dreams, she had found the final piece of the puzzle. Earlier, she had known what she needed to do. The only part she hadn’t known was
how
. But now, she knew. It was time to follow through.

What’s going on in that mind of yours?

‘Why do you ask?’

Because I can see that there’s something. I can tell. I just can’t catch what it is.

‘We’ll talk about it later,’ she said.

Juliette, are you sure? If there’s something on your mind, something worrying you, I want to share it with you. I want to help.

‘Later,’ she intoned again. ‘We’ll talk about it later. For now, do you think you could give me some privacy? Just for a few moments,’ she added hurriedly.

Of course
, he responded.
I’ll wait out in the lounge room for you
. Juliette waited as he left.

After he was gone, she reached across to her bedside drawer and searched through the contents until she found what she was looking for. A photo of her parents. She pulled it out and gazed at their figures. She was still angry with her mother for what had almost happened – but nevertheless, she would miss them, and she was a little sorry that it had to come to this. She kissed the
photograph goodbye through the cool glass of the frame, touching each of their faces gently with her fingertips. She placed the photo back and closed the drawer shut tight.

Then she stood and opened the doors to her wardrobe. Inside, she slid the hangers aside until she found what she was looking for. A light summer dress, one that Danny had given her for Christmas, their last together before he died. It had a palepink and yellow floral print and she still remembered when she had opened the wrapping and first seen it. She’d loved it instantly – something in the colours, the feel of the fabric, everything about it, had reminded her of France and of home, and also of her new life here in Coogee Beach, all at once.

She changed into the dress, gently pushing her arms through the sleeves and zipping it up at the side. Then she walked out to the lounge room to find Danny.

‘I’m ready,’ she said, smiling at the sight of Danny’s form, which was growing stronger by the minute.

Ready to talk?

‘Yes. Follow me.’

You look beautiful. I always loved you in that dress.

She turned and moved carefully out onto the balcony. The stars were beginning to fade, the sun would be rising over the ocean soon. She allowed a tear to slip down her cheek, and then she was ready.

Juliette pulled one of their deck chairs over to the railing. She stepped onto the chair and then stood still for a moment.

Juliette, what are you doing?

‘Danny, I’ve made my decision. I’m coming to be with you.’

What do you mean, what are you talking about?

‘I’m going to jump, Danny. I’m going to kill myself.’

Chapter Fourteen

Juliette stood on the chair, looking out towards the moonlit ocean. She leaned forwards, ready to pull herself up, but Danny’s voice jumped into her mind yet again, making her pause to listen.

Juliette, hold on. Just wait a second, let me process this … we need to be sure, we need to be certain that this really is the only way.

‘It doesn’t matter, Danny. It’s what I want. Please don’t try and stop me. This really is the only way.’

But … but there has to be something else we can do. Can’t we just keep on as we are? Isn’t this working already? You said you were happy here, staying inside always, just the two of us.

‘I have been, I’ve been so very happy. But there are too many dangers, too many factors working against us. My family won’t give up. If they have to, they’ll break down the door and drag me out of here. And then what will happen to you? You’ll vanish, I know that you will, and then I’ll never get to touch you again, never get to see you.’

I never thought that all of this was leading up to … to you taking your life, though.

He sounded as though he was scrambling for the right words, as though he was coming to a realisation as he spoke.

Juliette, I’ve been selfish, I see that now. I mean, I guess I knew all along that I was being selfish – but I thought that it was okay. I thought that it was for the right reasons. That our love mattered above all else, that you making a few sacrifices with how you lived your life didn’t matter. But this … this is different.

‘It’s not Danny, it’s exactly the same. It’s a sacrifice for our love, just like you said.’

Honey, no, please. Don’t do this, don’t you take that step. Come back down. Talk with me. We’ll find another way, another way to make this work. There must be another way. This isn’t just some small thing you’re giving up. This is your life, your body, years of living – this is the ultimate sacrifice.

Juliette grasped the railing with her hands.

‘There is no other way.’

Carefully, she lifted one foot up onto the balustrade, then pushed off with her other foot, so that she was standing, precariously balanced, on the balcony railing.

Juliette, STOP! Dammit, why can’t I grab hold of you? Why can’t I pull you back in?

‘Because I’m not letting you. Because this is the right thing to do.’

It’s not, it’s bloody well not the right thing to do. For fuck’s sake, Juliette, don’t you understand you can’t do this? Please, baby, please, come back down, before it’s too late. Before you fall.

‘I’m not going to fall Danny. I’m going to jump.’

DAMMIT, NO!

All at once, Juliette felt a rush of wind surrounding her. Her body swayed and she prepared herself for the plummeting sensation as she fell, but it didn’t happen. Her feet stayed glued to the railing, and instead, her mind seemed to fly, speeding through mist, shooting through the world, with the sky and the earth tumbling around her, until suddenly everything stopped dead and she looked around her and realised she was sitting on a park bench in the middle of the botanical gardens. She gripped the wooden palings of the bench, they felt real under her touch.

‘What? What’s going on, where am I?’

‘I’ve brought you into my mind. Frozen time for us – just for a few minutes, so that we can talk.’

Juliette looked up and gasped. There, walking towards her across the grass, was Danny, wearing dark trousers and an open-necked white shirt. He sat down next to her and Juliette felt the tears well up as she reached out a hand and touched his face. When she felt his skin under her fingertips, she dissolved into tears, and then they fell into one another’s arms and held each other close. This was completely different to all the times they had spent together in the apartment, touching and holding one another – even when he’d been whole again, there had always been a slight softness to his existence – an unrelenting hint that he was still just a ghost. But now, now he felt as real as the last day she’d seen and touched him when he was alive. He was solid, unwavering, warm to the touch.

‘Do you remember this place?’ asked Danny eventually, when they had finally pulled apart.

‘Are you kidding me? Of course I do. This is where you proposed to me.’

‘This is where I used to come. Remember I told you there were times when I returned somewhere special, while I was drifting in and out. Well, this was it. It’s not real – we’re both still back on the balcony. I mean, you are – I never really know where I am. But I recreated this scene in my mind, back when I was first lost. I conjured it up so there would be somewhere I could go to centre myself. To gather myself so that I could keep trying to contact you. Now, I wish that I didn’t. I should never have tried to come back to you. When I felt that pull from beyond, I should have answered it. I should have moved on.’ Danny’s face hardened and he looked down at his hands.

‘Don’t say that, Danny.’

‘Why not? All that I’ve done is destroy your life. I can’t believe you’re even considering doing this. You can’t, Juliette, you can’t throw your life away.’

‘Danny, I have no life. After you died, I died inside. I was already disappearing from the world, even before you came back to me. This isn’t
your fault. This is about more than that. The kind of connection we have – it can’t be broken. It’s that simple.’

She gently stroked his cheek, then turned his face so that he was looking into her eyes. ‘There’s no point in me going on without you.’

‘But there is. Come on, Juliette, I know you. I know everything there is to know about you.’

He stood up in frustration and Juliette couldn’t help but marvel that she was looking at her husband again. That she could run her eyes over his body, that she could just reach out a hand and lace her fingers through his.

‘I know that your favourite flowers are tulips,’ he continued. ‘I know that your middle name is Agatha and I know that you hate it.’

He looked back down at her and spoke with tension in his voice.

‘I know that all that I have to do to make you shudder beneath me is take both of your nipples between my fingers and squeeze. And I know that if I keep squeezing, you can come within thirty seconds, if that’s what I want you to do.

‘But most importantly, I know that there is still life inside of you. I know that if you keep on living, you can be happy again. You can do something with your life. For God’s sake, you could change the whole damn world if you set your mind to it.

‘Look at what you did in just a few days in our building with your baking. You don’t know it, but you changed those people’s lives. I never told you this, but I could feel how each person that received one of your gifts responded to your baking. There was one couple that had been fighting for days over something stupid, something trivial. But when they tasted your cooking, when they inhaled the longing that you weave into your food, they fell into one another’s arms and they made love.

‘There was another apartment, where an old man had been mourning his dead wife. She used to make cranberry muffins for him. The exact thing that you delivered to his door. When he tasted that muffin, he tasted his wife again and his soul was rejuvenated. He sat and he cried as he ate, but they were tears of joy, and as his tears mixed with your cooking, the taste helped mend his broken heart.

‘You did that, Juliette. You did that.’ Danny sat back down next to Juliette, placed an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him so that her head was resting against his chest.

‘Remember the weekend away we took, just before I had that first heart attack? When we went to the Blue Mountains?’

‘Of course, I remember. God, I remember it like it was yesterday. We were supposed to go bushwalking, but it rained the entire time, so we stayed indoors. And it was so freezing cold that we slept out in the lounge room by the fire.’

‘Yes. We dragged that horrible red and orange comforter from the bedroom, and we set ourselves up on the rug and we played Scrabble for hours, constantly starting new games because neither of us wanted to accept defeat. And then the words we played started to turn dirty – words like sticky, hard and thrust. And before we knew it the Scrabble board was overturned, the small plastic tiles were scattered across the floor, we were in each other’s arms and we were fucking like crazy.’

Juliette smiled. ‘It was a wonderful weekend,’ she whispered.

‘I know that it was, and, as much as it hurts to say this, it has to be said. Juliette,’ he paused to swallow, as though his throat had become dry, his fingers stroking her hair as he spoke, ‘Juliette, you could have that again. That sort of passion – with someone else.’

Chapter Fifteen

‘No!’ Juliette protested, pulling away, tears springing to her eyes. ‘That’s not possible. It’s absolutely not possible.’

‘Look, I don’t mean straightaway. It’s hard for me to think about, too – but one day, yes. There’s someone else out there for you. I know it. My life has ended, but yours doesn’t have to. Yours can still go on.’

‘But I’m nothing without you. There’s nothing here for me. I have no career, no talents, no family close by – no reason to keep going.’

‘You think you have no talents? Juliette, you heard what I said about your baking. It’s simply magical, the way that you cook. You put something of yourself into your food. You infuse it with your passion. Your instincts for flavours are incredible. That’s what you should be doing with your life – that’s what you love to do. And I still can’t believe that I selfishly allowed you to just stop. I was thinking about me, Juliette, thinking about a way for me to hold on, to stay in this world. And although a part of me thought that I was doing that for you – for the good of us both – I wasn’t. It wasn’t right. I was stopping you from having your own life. A life that you still deserve. Juliette, you’re an amazing chef, you have true talent.’

‘I’m not, I’m not and it doesn’t matter, because I don’t want to keep living.’