Camp Alien (12 page)

J
EFF GROANED.
“Only us. These kinds of things literally only happen to us. John, can you verify if what he's saying is true?”

Wruck shook his head. “I've been on Earth far too long, and Vatusan politics was never a great interest of mine. However, when I left, there was only one ruling family for all of Vatusus. And Vata in general and their royal family in particular believe in having as many offspring as possible.”

“You're saying you can't tell?” I asked Jeff.

“I really wanted confirmation from someone else for this, the political system on Vatusus in particular, but yeah, baby, I can tell. He's telling the truth.”

Drax looked frustrated. “Of course I am! I believe on Earth I would be called a prince. However, I eschew the title.”

“You do?” Chuckie represented the shock in the room well.

“Yes. I'm the youngest of twenty-one children. Do you have any idea what my role on Vatusus would be?”

“Get married and have twenty kids?” Hey, it was worth a shot.

“Worse. All I did was attend parties.”

“Wow, are the Kardashians from Vatusus, do you think?”

“What do you mean?” Drax asked.

“I mean I think I'm making a FLOTUS decree that all aliens working on my side need to watch some damn television. Anyway, Gustav, lots of people would think just partying all day long was the best.”

“That was my
job
. Going to parties. Being charming.
Being funny. But I couldn't say anything where anyone could take offense. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't entertain on my own because that would indicate favor, and I couldn't do that. Plus, I couldn't think. I design things—I know you think that I stole my designs to bring them here, but I didn't. I just wanted to be . . . important, in a real way. Somewhere that I'd fit in.”

“Jeff, is he lying?”

Jeff heaved a sigh. “No. He's still not. I've been monitoring him and I can feel him as well as I can feel everyone else. He's telling the truth, and I don't sense that he's hiding anything, either.”

Felt bad for Drax. Knew I shouldn't—he could still be an enemy somehow—but I couldn't help it. He wanted to be meaningful and didn't really have the training to do so. He was fumbling around like a really enthusiastic puppy, but puppies weren't evil. They needed training to be good dogs, but treats and love worked better than beatings and cages for that.

“Put him back in stasis,” Jeff said to Wruck, who nodded. Drax went back to the Dead But Alive look.

“Why did you do that?” I asked. “If he's telling the truth, then he's not a bad guy. An idiot, to be sure, at least in terms of how to impress, but not bad.”

“It's déjà vu all over again,” Jeff said.

“What is?” Chuckie was again speaking for the room.

“Kitty's ready to adopt him,” Jeff said. “And don't tell me you can't tell, Chuck. I don't think we need this. We have too much on our plate right now to focus on befriending this guy.”

“Actually, we do need him,” Buchanan said. “At least if we want to stay ahead of our ever-growing list of enemies.”

Wruck nodded. “Vatusus is far ahead of Earth and Alpha Four.”

“And that,” Chuckie said, “means that even if Drax is the worst weapons creator on his planet, he's likely still better than anyone here.”

“Kendrick indicated such, too.”

Jeff grunted. “You're close to bringing Kendrick in out of the cold, too, baby, I can tell.”

“You said he was telling the truth, too, Jeff.”

“This is her skill,” Siler said, rather gently, presumably before Jeff and I could get into some sort of domestic dispute that, to me, made no sense. “I said it before you questioned Drax. This is what we want. You want another alien on your side. Let me mention that while Drax may be the twenty-first child, he's still royalty, and that means his parents probably care about what happens to him.”

“They might care even if he's not royalty, but yeah. Vatusus in general might care, too. Jeff, why are you so against him?”

Jeff heaved a sigh and ran his hand through his hair. “Honestly? I'm not. I'm just kind of tired.”

“Of adding in allies?” Wruck asked carefully.

Jeff shook his head. “No. I'm thankful everyone in this room is here, even Drax, if I'm honest. I'm just tired. Literally. And that's making me want to, I don't know, hunker down and not add in anything or anyone else new into the mix.”

“That's normal,” Chuckie said quietly. “You're allowed to be stressed.”

“Not really. Especially not after the last week or so that we've had. But I can already tell why Presidents go gray so fast.”

“You'll just look distinguished.” And probably even hotter than he did now, if such could be believed.

Jeff laughed. “Thanks, baby, I needed that. So, what do we do with our newest royal exile?”

“I think we find out if he can tell if a person is an android or not.”

The men all looked at me. “How would we test him?” Chuckie asked.

“We have two androids and the Kitty-Bot. Dress the Kitty-Bot in what I'd wear, have him see if she's real or not. Same with the Cameron Maurer and John Butler androids.”

“If the Kitty-Bot's in any condition to be seen,” Chuckie said. “You kind of went to town on her.”

“I resent her very existence, so sue me.” And, reality said that I hadn't damaged the Kitty-Bot all that much. That Chuckie had probably been a lot more focused on the Double Kitty Chick Fight in general as opposed to specific wasn't all that surprising. Decided that pointing this out
would only be likely to make Jeff jealous and/or give Chuckie a mood swing and migraine combo, which we really didn't need.

“He should be able to tell,” Wruck said, presumably to stop our potential bantering or bickering. There was a lot of that going on in the room. Chose not to be bitter. Yet. “Though Vata are not used to ever trying to connect to others' minds. They connect to others' electronics and computer systems and similar, but not the people themselves. So he may not actually know
how
to tell.”

“Surely we aren't the only planet that has androids or robots on it,” Chuckie said.

“No, however, if they're considered sentient beings, then the Vata would not try to connect with them without their permission.”

“No time like the present to find out if Drax has the skills or not.”

Jeff's phone beeped. He groaned. “Actually, it's past time for me. Raj just let me know that I've been absent too long and I need to get back and keep the country running.”

“Do I have to go back, too?”

“No. Raj says that Vance is handling whatever you should be. Am I right in that you hired him?”

“Yes, he's my Chief of Staff. Thank me for that later, because I can guarantee that Vance is going to FLOTUS better with five minutes on the job than I'll ever be able to. We can discuss all the fun changes later because yes, I have to hire more staff, too. Get back to Presidenting and I'll handle things here.”

“I'll ride herd on her,” Buchanan said. “You want Reynolds with you or here?”

“Both places?” Jeff didn't sound like he was joking.

“One Chuckie-Bot coming up.”

“Not funny,” Chuckie and Jeff said in unison.

“Too much caffeine, guys?”

“We're ignoring you, Kitty. Though we all know that's dangerous.” Chuckie sighed. “You have three extremely competent men here, two of whom I trust to kill someone first and determine if they were really an enemy later. I'll go with Jeff.”

“Works for me.” Hugged Chuckie, who seemed to need it, gave Jeff a longer hug and a quick kiss, then he grabbed
Chuckie and they zipped off to do important things. Turned back to the others. “Let's wake Drax up again.”

Siler put up his hand. “Before we do that, I want to hear your plan.”

“Beg pardon?” Tried to look politely confused.

Siler snorted a laugh. “You have a plan, I know it. It's probably a crazy plan, but even if it's somehow sane, I want to know what it is.”

“Seriously, I want to do exactly what I said—I want to see if Drax can tell if someone's an android or not.”

“I'd like to know if it was really Thomas Kendrick who stole his helicarrier first,” Buchanan said. “Since that's a high priority and we have personnel missing.”

“I know. But the Kitty-Bot appeared on the White House lawn. Sure, it could be an elaborate ruse to make us think that Kendrick's not involved, but that's overly complex even for our enemies. Barring Kendrick wanting to show her off and show his control over her, I doubt it, especially since she came to us from Camp David.”

Siler and Buchanan both looked like migraines were on the horizon. “Let's deal with what's in front of us first,” Siler suggested.

“Fine,” Buchanan said. “That means Missus Chief here. What did you find when you left the White House grounds? Oh, and before you try to lie about it, I know because your husband was aware of where you were and he advised me. Something about my security measures needing improvement.”

“Sorry to get you in trouble, Doctor Strange.” Did a fast recap of what we'd found in Villanova's bizarre faked crime scene. “I have no idea where Evan went, since we didn't follow him and I came right back here instead.”

“If you somehow think that gives you a pass, Missus Chief, you're sadly mistaken.” Buchanan looked pissed, but I didn't think it was with me.

“Malcolm, what's upsetting you?”

“We should have kept eyes on him. And I forgot.”

“Gosh, it couldn't be because we were literally facing the end of the world as we knew it, was it? We all forget, even you. But he's back on our radar and working with someone—presumably Villanova—on a plan. Whether it's the plan that Strauss had going already or a different plan,
though, I can't be sure. But my money's on them following the old plan and just trying to adapt.”

“Is whatever those people are doing related to the missing helicarrier situation?” Wruck asked. “Because if not, we need to prioritize.”

“And we need to let Drax out of stasis. Just to be nice.”

“You're sure he's not lying?” Siler asked Wruck.

“The Vata have little guile, as I said. Their ability to connect to electronics means that they can connect to each other that way as well, albeit via the electronics. Their planet is very . . . wired, for want of a better description.”

“As if their planet really
is
a worldwide web?”

Wruck smiled at me. “Essentially, yes. Meaning that the Vata are used to plugging in and interacting this way as easily as interacting in person. It's hard to hide when you're all linked together, so they don't. There are always rogues who are willing and able to buck the norms, but in Drax's case, the norm he's bucking doesn't seem to be truth-telling.”

“Jeff confirmed it, and, honestly, he's tried to lie, and he's as bad at it as most of the A-Cs are. We have a handful who lie well, you're one of them, Nightcrawler, but overall, most A-Cs can't lie convincingly to an infant, let alone anyone else, and Drax seems firmly on that side of the alien house.”

“Then I'm with Kitty,” Siler said. “Let him out.”

Buchanan nodded and Wruck let go. Drax blinked and returned to the Land of the Living. “I really hate it when you do that,” he grumbled. “What did I miss? And where did the President and your friend go?”

Before I could answer, my phone rang. Checked before I answered. “Malcolm, get your blinky phone thing out again. It's a blocked number, and since Gustav's in the room with us and Stephanie is locked up nice and tight, it's likely a new player in our continuing Game of Lunatic Throne Lovers Anonymous.”

B
UCHANAN TOSSED ME THE TRACER,
I inserted it into the phone's headphone slot, then hit answer. Buchanan, Siler, and Wruck all pulled out phones and began listening in—the Privacy Police on the job again. Wruck's phone was near to Drax's ear. Had no idea why Wruck felt it was time to share with our Visiting Vata, but I wasn't in a position to argue.

A very tiny part of me held out hope for this being AeroForceOne because it could happen if I really believed. “Hello?”

“Missus Martini?” Unfamiliar woman's voice, pleasant. The hope that it could be AeroForceOne stayed alive.

“Yes?” Probably sounded too eager. But you know, I didn't want anyone thinking I wasn't excited to win a private meet and greet with Steven Tyler and Joe Perry.

“Hello. We haven't met before. My name is Talia Lee. We have a mutual friend, Janelle Gardiner from Gaultier Enterprises.” This was not AeroForceOne.

“Hope is dead.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oops, was that my Out Loud Voice? Um, nice of you to call, I guess. I don't know that I'd call Janelle Gardiner a friend, but you do you and all that.”

Per Vance, Lee did indeed call Gardiner her bestie. She was the head lobbyist for the firearms lobby, and therefore also the National Rifle Association's best friend forever. And this would be, if my intel was correct, the very first time she'd ever contacted anyone from American Centaurion,
we who used guns a whole lot. My Dealer of Death Bingo Card was filling up.

“Ah . . .” She paused. I'd stunned her into silence, go me. “I'm calling because I have information that you might find interesting.”

“I doubt it.”

“
Excuse
me?”

“Damn. Out Loud Voice again? Ignore that. What information are we talking about?”

Noted the men's reactions. Siler was cracking up silently. Buchanan had a long-suffering look that I felt sure he'd learned from watching Jeff's and Chuckie's reactions to my doing things like this. Wruck appeared interested. And Drax looked horrified by, I presumed, my utter lack of decorum. Well, he'd learn that it wasn't just for him. Perhaps that was why Wruck was sharing his phone, to bring Drax along into the program sooner as opposed to later.

“Well, several things, really.” She seemed flustered. Needed to control my Out Loud Voice. Possibly.

“And they would be?”

“You have an underage criminal you're protecting.”

At this, Siler's amusement disappeared. Because the said supposed criminal was his adopted daughter, Lizzie. She, like Siler, was using Vrabel as her official name for any who were asking. And she wasn't a juvenile delinquent so much as a kid who'd stuck up for the underdogs and kicked the butts of many kids who were connected to Very Important People. People like Lee here, whose son, niece, and nephew were all in the ranks of Those Whom Lizzie Schooled.

“Oh, Talia, that's so last week ago. Besides, we have no idea who you're talking about.”

“Elizabeth Jackson.”

“Noted when your buddy Ansom Somerall called me before my husband had to take over the Presidency of the United States. In case you're not clear, we have no such juvenile with us and we're tired of you all trying to create stress when we already have more than enough.”

“She's dangerous.”

“So are dogs but, you know, if you train them right—”

“This is a serious issue!”

“Oh, blah, blah, blah. Seriously, if this is why you're calling, we're done.” Had a feeling they were still on the Lizzie
is a Bad Girl kick because Amy Gaultier-White had just given birth and therefore they considered her vulnerable. My gut was quite confident that the Gaultier Enterprises Board of Directors and their Dealers of Death buddies wanted to get rid of Amy and blame it on Lizzie. Therefore, and despite all that had gone on, the extra guards I'd put onto Amy were still there, and she was safe in the Embassy.

However, it paid to be sure. Grabbed a pen from Jeff's desk, wrote on a convenient notepad, and shoved it at Buchanan. Who nodded. Good. The security was still set to Extra Crispy at the Embassy.

“Well, that's not all.”

“Oh goody. I'm breathless with antici- . . .
pation
.”

“Ah, good.”

She hadn't gotten my
Rocky Horror Picture Show
reference. My disdain knew no bounds. Clearly Lee and I were not destined to “get on.” A heartbreaking shocker I'd somehow have to manage to recover from.

“Still waiting here.” Wrote on the pad and shoved it at Siler. Who nodded and zipped off at hyperspeed. For all I knew, Lee was sending a drone or a bomb or the invisible helicarrier to bomb the hell out of us and just wanted to be sure of where I was.

Siler was back and indicated that the skies were clear and we were not under imminent attack.

“I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble understanding you.”

“Get in line, Talia. My time—it's limited. As is my patience. Much to do when an insane home-grown terrorist goes to town and wipes out a great deal of the power structure of your country and all that. Cut to the chase or stop wasting my time. Is that clear enough?”

“Ah, yes. Well, the other information I have is that Thomas Kendrick is creating robots designed to take the place of a variety of high-level politicians and businesspeople. Including you.”

Half a day ago, this would have been scary news. As things stood now, all this made me do was figure that by coming here Kendrick had cut his ties with the rest of the Land Sharks—what I called the now-heads of Gaultier Enterprises, Titan Security, and YatesCorp—even if he didn't know it.

“Gosh. That
is
interesting news. What proof do you
happen to have?” There was silence on the other end of the phone. Hit my mute button. “You know, I just have to say that I am freaking sick and tired of being considered the stupidest link in the chain. I mean, it's helpful and all that, but come
on
.”

Lee cleared her throat. “Proof?”

Took the phone off mute. “Yes, proof. In this country we love to have some before we convict anyone. And I, personally, like to have more to go on before I release the hounds and shock troops to arrest someone.”

“Arrest?”

“You've just made an accusation of treason against the head of Titan Security. What, exactly, do you think I'm going to do with that information should it somehow prove to be correct?” Hit mute again. “She cannot be this stupid, can she?”

“No,” Buchanan said. “Assume entrapment. Focus on the call. Rant later.”

Nodded and once more took the phone off mute. And waited. For a good thirty seconds.

“Are you still there?” Lee asked. Wasn't sure if she was up on the Sales Tip of the Ages or just unsure if I'd hung up. Which I was tempted to do, but I took one for the team and stayed on the phone.

“I am, still here, waiting for you to share what proof you have that Thomas Kendrick is acting in a treasonous manner.”

“We've seen the robots.”

“And
I've Seen The Saucers
. But since I doubt we're about to go see Elton John together, let's have you share more actual information. Who is ‘we' that is co-accusing?”

“What does Elton John have to do with this?”

“Possibly as much as Thomas Kendrick, since you're awfully short on details, facts, or anything resembling information. Start with who the ‘we' is that makes up the ‘you' that is so concerned for the safety of the world.”

“Janelle, myself, Ansom, Amos Tobin, and several others I don't believe you've met yet.” Tobin was the head of YatesCorp.

“Quinton Cross?”

“Oh. I'm sorry, you must not know. Quinton passed away. Due to the Alien Flu.”

“It's not the Alien Flu. It's the disease Clifford Goodman created and released on an unsuspecting populace, which he called the Alien Flu. However, that disease was human-made. Let's be sure that you and the rest of ‘we' keep that very, very straight.”

“Ah, yes, yes, I'm sorry.”

“And condolences on your loss.” Losing Cross probably meant that the ick factor in the world had gone down, but that wasn't an appropriate thing for the First Lady to say, so I wasn't going to say it. To Lee. To Amy? Hells to the yeah, I'd be sharing this news with her as soon as possible.

“Thank you. That does sort of bring me to the last thing on my list. With Quinton gone, we need to shore up the Gaultier Enterprises Board. We'd really like Amy Gaultier to take her place with them now.”

“It's Gaultier-White now. And why are you telling me this?”

“You're her oldest friend, she's married to your husband's cousin, and we can't reach her. If you'd pass along the message and let her know, we'd appreciate it.”

“Talia, you know what's interesting to me about this request?”

“What?”

“That it's you making it, not, say, Janelle or Ansom or anyone else connected with Gaultier.”

“Janelle and Ansom are still too broken up over losing Quinton to handle these kinds of calls,” she said quickly. “I'm helping out.”

“How good of you. Thanks for the heads up, I'll be sure to share the message as soon as I can.”

“Wonderful. Thank you for your time, I hope we get to meet in person soon.” She hung up before I could say goodbye.

Made sure the call was dead then handed my phone to Buchanan so he could retrieve his tracker. “Well, that was interesting.”

“I personally liked how she avoided telling you who all those making up ‘we' was for as long as possible,” Wruck said.

“Guaranteed it's everyone she named and probably the rest of the Dealers of Death that aren't actually sitting in
the White House with us.” Whether the Kramers were part of “we” was something I figured we'd find out soon enough.

“I'm more interested in the robot,” Buchanan said.

“I'm more interested that she called it a robot and not an android, personally. There's a distinction and I think it's important. And remember that Eugene Montgomery was fed the robots story to get him to help out the wrong side during Operation Sherlock.”

“I honestly didn't realize that bringing Lizzie to the Embassy would have caused all of this,” Siler said, sounding angry and worried.

“It didn't, it just gave them something else to barrage us with. Trust me, this would be going on with or without you two in the Embassy. But it's good to know that they're still going for the Juvenile Delinquent Gambit.”

“So, does this mean that Kendrick's off the suspects list?” Buchanan asked carefully.

“Still fifty-fifty.”

“He stole my helicarrier,” Drax said huffily. “I don't believe that indicates you should trust him.”

“Yeah, about that . . . Gustav, how'd you like to get onto my good side?”