Authors: Jill Valley
“Hi guys,” says Lizzy. She’s
sitting on the steps that lead upstairs. Her face is tear-streaked and she’s
holding a tissue. I have a momentarily flashback of dashing up those stairs,
but I shove it away. Now is not the time to live in memory. Now is the time to
live in the present for my friend.
Lizzy has a wine bottle in her
hand. When I point to it she holds it up and says, “Found the alcohol.”
“What about Steven?” JJ asks,
stepping forward and looking around. “Did you already kill him and dig the
grave?”
“Psh. What do you take me for, an
idiot? I’m making him dig his own grave.” She chuckles and takes another sip of
wine.
“I knew coming here was a bad
idea,” I say worriedly. “We should have just stayed away from this wedding. You
obviously aren’t ready to see him.”
Lizzy shrugs and pushes a stray
strand of hair behind one ear. “He apologized. He said he didn’t think it would
be so hard to be near me. In other circumstances it might have sounded
romantic. . . .” Lizzy takes another big gulp. “It wasn’t.”
“We should go,” I say. “Let’s
just call it a night and go home and watch romcoms.”
“We’ve spent the whole summer
watching romcoms and no way,” says Lizzy. “We’re both going to see this thing
through. We’re here for Amelia.”
“Not at the cost of our sanity.”
I sit down next to her and put my
arm around her, as much to reassure myself that she’s okay as to offer comfort.
She leans into me and rests her head on my shoulder.
“Girl, that went out the window a
long time ago,” says Lizzy, taking another giant gulp.
She sighs.
“You’re going to mess up your
hair if you leave your head on my shoulder,” I say.
“Totally worth it,” she says, and
takes another drink. “Who is there here to impress anyway?”
“Hey,” says JJ, in mock hurt. “I’m
offended.”
“Good,” says Lizzy, but she’s
grinning while she says it.
“I wish you’d stop drinking,”
says Nora in frustration. “You’re going to get drunk.”
“Also passed that mark a long
time ago,” says Lizzy, shaking her head sadly.
I look at JJ, because I don’t
know where else to turn. He can see how helpless I feel right now.
JJ shrugs and goes over to Lizzy.
She stares at him with wide eyes.
“Yes, gorgeous?” she asks.
To his credit, JJ doesn’t even
blush. Must be the bartender thing.
“Come on now, Lizzy, you’re here
for Amelia. Don’t you want to remember her dinner tomorrow? And you spent all
that time picking out a dress for the ceremony. Don’t you want a chance to wear
it?” he cajoles.
Lizzy stares at the bottle of
wine in her hand.
“Can I keep this for Sunday?” she
asks, still giving him that wide-eyed stare.
He chuckles. I still love the
sound.
“Definitely. I’ll get you another
one and split it with you.”
“Humph,” she says. “Get your
own.”
“Okay,” he says agreeably. “I’ll
get my own. Hopefully I can find a bottle of wine somewhere in the bar I own.”
“Yeah, hopefully,” says Lizzy.
She turns to me. “I’m surprised you let this one tag along.” She thumbs her
finger in JJ’s direction.
I give a gusty sigh. “He’s
confused about who’s in charge. Thinks he can just go where he pleases and that
you two are friends. Imagine.”
Lizzy laughs. “We are friends. I
like him a great deal.”
“You know, I’m still sitting
here,” JJ points out.
“Yeah, yeah,” says Lizzy, waving
him off. “Okay, both of you help me up and we can escort each other back to the
dinner. I promise to be on my best kind of sober behavior.”
Lizzy won’t take no for an
answer, so of course we go back.
Lizzy threads her arms through
ours, and walking in the middle she leads us back to the festivities.
I barely think how weird it is,
that I’m here for Amelia’s wedding, witnessing Lizzy and Steven’s breakup, with
my new not-boyfriend.
I want to be there for my friend,
but I also want to remember Michael. I’m doing that here, today, honoring his
memory and the ties we made together. Amelia and I were close once and we will
be again, but my future is a different one now, and I hope, I really hope, that
he’s walking on the other side of Lizzy.
“So, you’re afraid he’s ruined
you for all men? I’m sure that’s not true,” says Lizzy, her hands gripping the
wheel tightly. Other than the wedding, it’s the first time since she and Steven
broke up that I’ve seen her actually get dressed in the morning and straighten
her hair. Every other day she’s worn sweats and a messy ponytail.
“You don’t think Steven has
ruined you for all men?” I ask quietly as I stare at the trees flying past.
It’s Sunday and we’re driving back to Portland. I asked Lizzy to drive because
I’m tired from not sleeping well for far too long.
“Humph, Steven was lucky to have
me. I refuse to let him think I’m never going to be happy now.” Her voice
breaks a little as she says it.
“Oh, are you thinking of someone
in particular? Maybe a certain someone who drives a car with flashing lights?”
I tease.
Lizzy giggles, her whole face
lighting up. “Maybe, but I don’t think he’s interested.”
I shrug. “He’s a good guy and you
had a boyfriend. He’s not going to make a move on you until you’re single. And
it was a long relationship. You need some time.”
“If by time you mean sex, then
yes, that’s exactly what I need,” she says, fluffing her hair and laughing at
my dumbfounded expression.
“I don’t see how you can get over
it so easily,” I say wistfully.
“I’m not over it,” she responds
more quietly, all joking aside. “I loved him and I thought I was going to marry
him. He broke the most sacred bond: trust. Friends can do it too, but it’s
different when your boyfriend does it. I deserve better. I’m just choosing to
live.”
I nod. “Sounds very healthy.”
Lizzy throws back her head and
laughs. “I put up a good front.”
“Do you think Steven will be
happy with that girl?” she asks softly. I flinch. I could see that meeting
Steven’s new girlfriend bothered Lizzy, but I haven’t wanted to bring it up
unless she did.
“I’m sure in six months he’ll be
totally miserable and come crawling back to you,” I say. To my relief Lizzy
laughs.
“Naw,” she says, her eyes sparkling.
“I only give them about four.”
I look out the car window again.
We’re heading back for our last two weekends in Portland and I’m afraid, but
it’s for an entirely different reason than what I feared when I came here a few
short months ago.
“Do you think Sylvan likes me?”
she asks.
“Way to try and sound casual,” I
say dryly.
She grins. “Thanks, I’ve been
practicing.”
“I think he might,” I say. I
don’t want to get her hopes up. After what happened with JJ I’m just not sure
it’s worth it.
“Nora, I think you’ve done an
amazing job this summer,” she says quietly. “You opened yourself up and got
past a lot of your fears. You’re a totally different person.”
I warm at her kinds words. I do
feel different, and I’m glad to know that she has seen it. I sigh and examine
my hands.
“It will be hard to say goodbye,”
Lizzy murmurs, mirroring my thoughts.
I glance at her. “I’m not sure I
can,” I whisper.
She reaches over and touches my
arm sympathetically.
It’s like a lump in my throat.
There’s nothing else to say.
“At least we did one thing right
this summer,” she says.
“Oh?” I ask. “I can’t possibly
think what that is.”
“We worked on your bucket list,”
she says, trying for a smile. “You got out and did things.”
I close my eyes and lean my head
back. “Love is the most important thing in the world and I don’t have it.”
“But you want it. You’re open to
it, and JJ will get his head out of his ass, because despite the fact that he’s
a guy and therefore stupid, love is the most important thing in the world to
him, too.”
I hope she’s right. With all of
my buried heart.
I give myself another mental
kick. I made a fool of myself in front of Nora. Again. I really did, but at
least she knows how much I care now. How much I feel like an asshole. I’ve totally
cut Jessie out of my life. It doesn’t make sense for us to talk. She
understands that. I just hope Nora can as well.
The Remember is barebones at the
moment, but we’re open. I rushed the basic repairs so that my employees could
start working again as soon as possible. It will take months to get everything
back to how it was, but at least we’re up and running. It doesn’t take much
setup to pour beer, after all.
“Where is your head at?” Lila
demands. “Seriously, you made fewer mistakes when you were dating that girl.”
“That girl has a name,” I say
dryly.
“Yeah, but I didn’t like her, so
I don’t use it.” She braces her fists on her hips and glares at me.
“You didn’t like Jessie either?
Thanks for the heads up,” I say dryly. We’re at the bar and it’s a Saturday
night. I almost can’t stand being there knowing Nora isn’t going to come in,
but it’s my bar and I have responsibilities.
Lila shrugs. “It’s not something
you tell your boss.”
“Is it something you tell your
friend?” I ask hotly.
Lila shrugs. “The point is,
there’s something distracting you and you should deal with it.”
“Thanks,” I say. “You have a
wonderful future as a mind reader or a psychiatrist.”
Lila rolls her eyes. “Thanks,”
she says, “I take cash or checks.”
Just then Melissa comes around the
corner and motions to me. I’m relieved to move away from the customers. I just
can’t handle the noise tonight.
“It’s your roommate,” she yells
over the Saturday night din. I take the phone. He can only be calling for one
thing.
“This place looks good,” Melissa
says before she walks away. “No decorations. Just like you.” She pats me on the
shoulder to soften the jab and grins as she gets back to work.
After Robby tells me that
Anabella has gotten out again, I go over to Lila and ask how she’s doing. She grins
and waves me off. “Get out of here,” she says. “You’re useless to me anyway.”
“Whose bar do you think this is?”
I demand, laughing at her tone.
She grins. “You love it.”
“Sometimes I wonder how I ended
up hiring you,” I say.
She laughs again. “You hired me
because I’m awesome. Go home and find your love. Also find Anabella.”
I hurry out of the Remember.
It’s almost midnight as I hurry
home. What’s worse is that to get to my place I have to pass Nora’s. I know
I’ll look up at the window I know is hers to see if she’s still awake, her
light burning brightly, guiding me home.
I shake my head at the nonsense
of it. I screwed it up. I was afraid and I screwed everything up. What sucks
the most is that it didn’t even feel like a good idea at the time, and I did it
anyway. Idiot.
My heart lifts a little when I
see that her light is on. I instantly bristle at the thought that she might be
up there with Mark, but rationally I know she’s not.
It’s just that I’m not rational
when it comes to Nora.
I come to a full stop. Walking
toward me is JJ. His hands are stuffed into his jean pockets, but he isn’t
looking at me. He’s whistling. Strangely enough, it’s very similar to the
whistle I use to call Snick.
I cross my arms over my chest and
march up to him. When he notices me his face registers surprise. I vaguely note
that he looks tired.
“You can’t keep doing this,” I
huff.
His bewilderment deepens. “Huh?”
“You don’t want to be with me,
blah blah, fine, you broke my heart, but you can’t act like my friend, helping
me and stuff. I can’t handle it. Be a man and leave me alone.” I shove some of
my hair out of my face and take a deep breath.
He holds up his hands. Those
hands I love! “I’m sorry I upset you at Amelia’s wedding. I know . . .” he
says, and swallows. “My cat Anabella is missing. I got a call from my roommate
saying she escaped again. It’s been happening all summer, and I’m out looking
look for her yet again. I’m the only one she’ll come to when I call.”
I take that in. It’s not the
answer I’m expecting. I know he has a cat that was his mother’s, and when she
died he took it so that it didn’t have to go to the pound.
“What are you doing out here?” he
suddenly demands.
“Oh, now you care about what I’m
doing?” I ask hotly.
His shoulders droop. “I care more
than I can express in words,” he whispers. “I care. . . .”
Before he can finish and say yet
another thing I can’t handle, I say, “I’m looking for Snick.”
JJ raises his eyebrows. “Your cat
gets out?”
I nod. “A lot this summer.”
“Maybe there’s a secret cat
convention and they’re plotting to take over the world,” JJ jokes. I roll my
eyes.
“If you ask a cat, they think
they already run the world,” I say.
JJ chuckles. “Fair point. Come on
then, let’s go find our cats.”
Before I can stop him he seizes
my hand. I look down at our intertwined fingers, wishing I had the urge to pull
away, but it’s the opposite. All I want is to be closer. I squeeze his hand and
he looks at me gratefully. I could spend years having him look at me like that.
We head off down the street,
taking turns calling Snick and Anabella.
“People are going to think we’re
nuts,” I mutter. “Like, totally crazy.”
JJ shakes his head. “They’ll
think it’s endearing. Now if we were alone, they would think we were nuts. The
old cat man and the old cat woman, destined to be alone for eternity.”
I give a very unladylike snort.
“If you were a cat, where would
you be?” JJ asks me.
“Curled up somewhere warm,” I
say. “But I don’t know where that is around here. Snick has always just come
back after hanging around the neighborhood for a while. I thought that’s where
he went. Just outside to catch mice.”
“Humm,” says JJ. “What about the
ledge?”
I snap my fingers. The ledge is
the place where JJ took us on our date, the cozy place among the rocks. There’s
a pile of soft grass there underneath a tree.
“Come on,” I say, suddenly
invigorated. I tug on JJ’s arm.
The tree stands lookout over the
ocean as the moon shines down, creating a path of white all the way to the
ledge. I sigh. It’s the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen.
Our cats aren’t there, but I
still hold JJ’s hand.
“Maybe we should wait here,” I
say. “I don’t know what else to do, but I don’t want to go back to my empty
apartment.”
“Okay,” says JJ. “We can wait. He
sits down with his back against the tree and reaches for me, pulling me down so
that I’m cuddled against his chest.
I sigh and tuck my head under his
chin, but I don’t stay that way for long. My body aches to touch him, to run my
hands over his arms and his chest, to find his heartbeat and feel the softness
of his lips. I want him to taste me, devour me, and ignite heat throughout my
body.
It stuns me to realize that I
want a lot more than that. With JJ Curtis.
“Hum?” I say.
He chuckles. “You fell asleep and
were muttering things.”
I sit upright with a gasp and
stare at my watch. Almost half an hour has passed.
Hurriedly I try to rise, but JJ
grabs my hand and doesn’t let me up.
“Stay a few more minutes,” he
says, his voice filled with heat. I’m powerless to resist that voice and I
cuddle against him once more.
“What about our cats?” I ask.
“Hopefully they’re somewhere
having sex,” says JJ dryly.
Not in a million years would that
thought have crossed my mind. I gasp in shock. “JJ,” I say sternly. “You can’t
say stuff like that.”
“Why not?” he says. “They’re
animals. It’s a natural act. There’s nothing dirty or wrong about giving in to
those bodily desires and sating a need.”
My blush deepens even more.
“Michael and I had sex once.”
It’s surprisingly easy for me to say, but I can’t imagine ever saying it to
anyone but JJ.
I hear a sharp intake of breath
and feel his chest rise.
“I’m sorry,” he says, kissing the
top of my head. I sit up straighter, to look in his eyes.
“Why?” my voice is breaking.
“Because once is not enough with
the person you love,” he says.
I nod. He understands. “It wasn’t
even hard that first time,” I say. “I mean, I was nervous, but it just sort of
happened.”
JJ’s hand tightens on my hip. I
wonder if it’s hard for him to hear stories like this.
“I just went into it thinking he
would be the only one,” I say, my voice going distant. “And then I thought he
would be the only one for other reasons.”
JJ holds me close and doesn’t say
anything for a long time. Finally, I push against his chest again.
“I want to find Snick,” I say.
“Then let’s make out.”
He throws his head back and
laughs.
“Yes, boss,” he says, giving me a
mock salute.
When I say make out I’m pretty
sure I mean more, like, a lot more, but I want to find Snick first.
JJ wraps his arm around my waist
and we walk close together. I breathe in his fresh scent, the aftershave and
something that smells like cinnamon.
“Are you smelling me?” he asks.
I blush. “Um, no?”
“I heard you sniff,” he says,
pulling away just enough to look in my eyes. “And I’m the only one in close
enough proximity to smell. I know my animal magnetism is hard to resist.”
“I don’t go around smelling
people,” I say, trying desperately to save my embarrassment.
“I’m not talking about people,”
he says, bringing his eyes so close to mine I can’t see anything but storm
clouds. “I’m talking about us.”
“Is there an us?” I ask
breathlessly.
“For as long as you’ll have me,”
he says, touching his forehead to mine.
I stop and wrap my arms around
his torso, pulling him close, needing to feel the length of his hard body
against mine.
“Forever and a day,” I whisper.
“Promise.”
“Promise.”
We’re almost to my apartment and
I don’t know how long we’ve stood like that when something rubs against my leg
and I yelp. I see JJ’s eyes go wide until we both realize what’s happened.
Here are our cats, both of them,
looking at us like we’re doing something wrong.
“When we get married,” says JJ,
“we need to invest in a good dog.”
I just giggle.
“Wait,” I say, holding up my hand
and trying to take it in. “Our cats have been going on dates all summer?”
“I guess they figured it out
sooner than we did,” he says hoarsely. His eyes fill with pleading.
Despite myself I giggle. Our cats
look so content together. They are both black and white, so you can’t tell
where one starts and the other finishes. It’s just a pile of fluffy cat fur.
“Our cats are courting,” I say,
watching them.
“Courting?” JJ asks, quirking an
eyebrow at me.
I blush. “Dating somehow sounds
wrong.”
“They’re cats,” he says. “They
can’t understand us.”
“I’m shatteringly happy,” I
whisper. “I don’t want anything to ruin it.”
“That’s up to us,” he says. “It’s
funny, because I don’t feel shattered. For the first time in my life I feel
completely whole.”
“Well, that’s the glue,” I say.
“It’s just an illusion.”
He laughs. I feel the chuckle
rumble in his chest, and I flush from happiness. “You have the strangest sense
of humor of anyone I’ve ever met,” he says.
I glare at him. “Is that a bad
thing?”
He kisses me softly and soundly.
That whole knees going weak thing? Yeah, that really happens. “Nope. I don’t
know what I did so right to deserve you and I don’t care. I have you and I’m
never going to let you go.”
“I’d like to see you try,” she
says.