Mair soup fur lunch, left ower fae last night, but this time it hudnae been heated up enough. Ah hate soup that’s lukewarm, but naebuddy else seemed that bothered; they were either eatin away in silence or discussin reincarnation.
‘Who do you think you were in a past life, Alice?’ says a big wifie wi dyed jet-black hair hingin roond her heid like a witch.
‘Cleopatra,’ says her pal, shovin her hair back so it didnae dangle intae the soup. It’s funny, aw the folk on this retreat either have their hair long and straggly or else dead short.
‘Come on,’ says the pal. ‘Everyone says they were Cleopatra. Nobody ever thinks they were ordinary.’
‘I can dream, can’t I? How about you?’ she says, noddin at me. ‘Who d’you think you were in a past life?’
‘Huvnae a scooby, missus. Tae tell the truth, ah don’t really unnerstaund this reincarnation lark.’
She and her pal start laughin. ‘Hark at you,’ says Alice. ‘If you understood it, you wouldn’t be here, would you?’
Ah couldnae figure oot if they were laughin at me or no, but ah wis saved havin tae reply by Jed, who said, in a slow, serious voice, ‘Surely, the point isn’t where we came from, but where we’re going.’
Gary pipes up. ‘Yeah, it doesn’t matter who we used to be in a past life, but who we’re going to be in the next life.’
‘I thought we were supposed to stay in the present,’ says Barbara.
Alice’s pal stopped eatin and held her soup spoon in the air as if she wis blessin us. ‘Truly being in the present encompasses both the past and the future. You have to hold them all together as one.’
‘Amen, oh great one,’ says Alice. ‘You hit enlightenment today, Shirley?’
‘Just call me Cleopatra,’ she says, turnin back tae her soup.
Ah’d an hour tae kill afore ah’d tae go and chop the veggies fur the dinner so ah went oot fur a walk. The roads roond the Centre were dead quiet and it wis beautiful there; rough fields wi sheep grazin, trees turnin autumn colours. It’s no sumpn ah dae much, go fur walks. Sometimes if we’ve a job on ootside Glesga ah drive through the countryside but ah’m aye hash-bashin alang in the van wi the guys, music blarin, no lookin at the scenery.
The conversation at dinner time had made me feel better.
Alice and her pal were a laugh, and the way everybuddy wis talkin sounded as if they werenae sure whit it wis aw aboot either. Mibbe ah wisnae that daft efter aw. And there wis sumpn, no exactly excitin, couldnae find the word fur it – ah suppose mibbe you’d say stimulatin, if it didnae sound sexy – but anyway, sumpn aboot listenin tae folk talkin aboot ideas, things ye couldnae quite unnerstaund. Ah mean, the guys ah work wi wid be cartin ye aff tae the funny farm if ye tried tae have a serious conversation, and wi John it’s the footie, and Liz and me it’s Anne Marie or the hoose or that. There’s naebuddy that talks aboot anythin beyond the day tae day.
Ah never want tae see another fuckin carrot in ma life. Hate the orange bastards. Mountains of them in a basket in the corner of the kitchen – ah’ll be in a basket in the corner by the time ah’ve finished choppin them. No that ah mind choppin a few veggies, it’s no that. It’s just, why don’t they gie folk chores they’re good at? There’s this wee skinny lassie, anither wanny the pierced brigade, and she’s cartin in huge logs for the fire. Ah offered tae help but she looked at me as if ah’d pit ma haund up her skirt. She’s practically cairryin them in wan at a time cos they’re that big fur her, and ah could of done them in five seconds flat. Ah like choppin wood an ah know how tae dae it right, worked on the forestry wan summer years ago up north.
Carrots, on the other hand, are no ma forte. Jeez, ye huvtae manhandle them tae get them tae stay on the choppin board, they keep skitin aff every time ah pit this knife in them, and as fur the shape – well, ah hope they’re no expectin nouvelle cuisine. No that the knife helps. It’s as blunt as buggery, which is why next minute ah’m staundin here lookin like a scene fae
Reservoir Dogs
.
Barbara puts a clean tea towel roond ma haund but in a few seconds the blood’s soaked through.
‘That’s a deep cut. Press hard on to the wound – there must be a first-aid kit around.’
Vishana appears and leads me intae a wee room aff the kitchen where he produces a green box fulla plasters and dressins. Ah let him get on wi it, cannae bear tae look at things like that.
‘This is nasty. Keep the pressure on it for a few more minutes till the blood loss slows down, then I’ll clean it up and dress it. Hold tight.’
‘Ah’m ur haudin tight.’
‘How d’you do it?’
‘Choppin carrots. Hope there’s no a bit of finger in the stew the night. Bitty a shock fur aw they vegetarians.’
‘It won’t be the first time.’ He cracked a wee smile. ‘You’re not used to chopping carrots, I take it. Or do you prefer them with bits of flesh in them?’
‘Ah’m better at choppin wood actually. How come you don’t gie chores tae folk that can dae them best?’
Vishana slowly unwound the tea towel. The blood was still flowin, but no as bad.
‘Getting better.’ He started tae dab at the wound wi a bit a cotton wool. ‘This may sting a bit.’
He wisnae kiddin.
‘So Jimmy, you think people should get to pick which chores they’re going to do?’
‘Might make mair sense – ah mean, thon wee lassie that wis choppin the logs …’
‘You think she should have chopped the carrots?’
‘No necessarily choppin carrots, but she could of done sumpn else she’d be mair suited to.’
Vishana took a dressin oot a sealed pack.
‘Cleaning the toilets, perhaps?’
‘Aw, come on, ah never said that …’
‘You suggested people do the chores they’re most familiar with. Most women are more used to cleaning toilets than men are.’
‘Aye but ah’m no meanin tae be sexist; it’s just that some jobs need strength.’
‘And some need other things.’
He wrapped the dressin roond ma haund and pressed doon on it haurd.
‘Jimmy, I understand what you’re saying, but we allocate jobs on a random basis, not just to be fair but because sometimes you can learn more from doing an unfamiliar job you find difficult rather than one you can do easily.’ He smiled. ‘Reflect on it. While you’re chopping the rest of the carrots.’
But when ah got back intae the kitchen Barbara’d practically finished them.
‘Thanks,’ ah said. ‘Can ah dae sumpn?’
‘It’s OK, that’s them,’ she says, scrapin the last of them aff the choppin board intae a big bowl. ‘Take them over to Simon; he’ll put them in the stew.’
‘Right.’ They were that neat the way she’d done them, no the big dauds ah’d managed. ‘How d’you get them that neat wi thon blunt knife?’
Barbara’s wipin the choppin board and the work-surface wi a cloth. She turns roond. ‘I sharpened it. Didn’t you see this?’ She points tae a big electric knife sharpener at the other end ae the work-surface.
‘Eh, naw, never seen it.’ How could ah have missed it? Never dawned on me tae look fur it of course. See whit
Vishana wis sayin is all very well, but that’s it, in’t it? A wumman thinks tae sharpen a knife that’s blunt but a man just goes on choppin wi it and ends up cuttin hissel.
That night in the prayer room, ah sat listenin tae the rain. Ah’d gied up on the meditation, couldnae concentrate again. Ah wis tired and everythin that had happened ower the weekend so far wis churnin away inside me; the new folk, the stuff ah couldnae unnerstaund, Vishana and they fuckin carrots, and ah felt weary in ma bones. Ah’d taken Vishana’s advice and sat on a chair insteid ae tryin tae dae the cross-legged bit, and ah fund ma fingers drummin on ma leg in time tae the rain’s rhythm. Ah stopped and pit ma haunds on ma legs, just rested them there and listened. The prayer room had a glass roof and you could hear every drap; some plip-ploppin, some squelchin and some thumpin doon as if they were gonnae break it. And somehow ah fund masel followin the raindraps as they landed on the roof, no really listenin, no anythin, just sittin. Sometimes it got a bit heavier and sometimes the wind would blaw it soft, makin wee skittery noises, like an animal scratchin.
And it wis like the rain wis alive, know, and everythin in the prayer room seemed tae disappear, couldnae hear anybuddy or see anythin; it wis just me and the rain.
Frosty. Very frosty. Liz, ah mean. Anne Marie wis neither up nor doon. Ah could of been away at a footie match for all the notice she took.
‘Hiya, Da.’
‘Hi, hen. D’ye miss me?’
‘Were you away somewhere? Oh aye, ah thought ah hudnae seen much of ye this weekend. How’s the yogic flyin comin on?’
‘Very funny. Get you a spot on The Fast Show wi patter like that. Where’s yer mammy?’
‘Cleanin the bathroom.’
Ah should of known it’d be hard gaun by the smell a bleach. It’s funny but when Liz is really really mad aboot sumpn, she goes mental wi bleach. The place is honkin – you just follow the smell and there she is, rubber gloves up tae her oxters, scourin away round the edges of the plughole wi an auld toothbrush. When we were first merriet ah thought she was just dead hygienic. Took me a while tae clock ontae the fact that efter the mad bleachin there was a big, big silence then an explosion.
Anyway, ah poked ma heid roond the bathroom door.
‘That’s me hame noo.’
Silence. Except for the scourin. Christ, the enamel’d be aff the bath at this rate.
‘Ah’m away tae make a cuppa tea. D’you want one?’
Nae answer.
She’d thawed a bit by tea time, thank God. It was weird bein hame though. The hoose felt dead wee compared tae the retreat place and everythin seemed different, all the wee things you never even look at. Like there’s a calendar in the kitchen wi pictures of animals, and September’s animal is a polar bear. I mean why a polar bear for September? But ah’d never noticed it afore.
‘This is great,’ ah said, gettin wired in tae ma dinner.
‘It’s just chicken cacciatore.’
‘Least it’s no veggie cacciatore.’
‘Was the food rotten at the retreat, Da?’
‘Naw, hen, it was quite nice really. But no as good as yer mammy’s.’
‘Did they have a cook?’
‘Naw, we all mucked in. Vishana gied us chores. Ah’d tae chop the carrots. Mountains of them.’
‘Who was all there, Da?’
‘All sorts. Ah was sharin wi a coupla guys called Gary and Jed. Jed was awright. Gary was a bit, you know, kinda spaced oot. But OK.’
‘What did you dae all weekend? Meditate?’ It was the first time Liz hud spoke.
‘And chop carrots. Ach, there was a few talks and we’d time tae get oot in the fresh air – it’s beautiful round there, dead quiet. Yous should come next time. There’s another weekend comin up next month.’
‘Ah don’t think so. Wan member of this faimly wi his heid in the clouds is quite enough.’
‘Can ah come, Da?’
Ah was aboot tae say aye when Liz drew me a look.
‘We’ll see, hen. We’ll talk aboot it nearer the time, eh? Now how about you and me dae these dishes and we’ll all sit doon and watch a video?’
All the time Anne Marie and me were washin up, ah fund masel gettin mair and mair worked up inside. This wee voice kept runnin through ma mind; can she no just gie it a chance, does she have tae gie it this
ah know best
stuff. Ah’ve always kind of looked up tae Liz, no looked up exactly but she’s aye been the sensible wan oot the two ae us. Maisty the time we just get on wi it – we’ve known each other that long and ah’ve kind of bowed tae her judgement on the big things. Ah mean, she was the wan that wanted tae buy a flat, years ago. Ah’d have just kept on rentin – why gie yersel the hassle, but naw, she wanted tae buy. Worked oot the money stuff and went tae the buildin society. And she was right. We started oot in a room and kitchen an noo we’ve got a nice
big three-bedroom flat and the mortgage is less than whit ma sister’s payin in rent tae the cooncil for a hoose in a street that’s no exactly brilliant.
But it’s went on that long that noo she thinks she knows best aboot everthin. And she knows heehaw aboot this. No aboot meditation or the folk at the Centre. Which is fine. She doesnae have tae take an interest if she doesnae want, but why the hell can she no just let it be? How come she’s got tae act all superior aboot it?
Ah managed tae hide ma feelins, kept it in for Anne Marie’s sake. We had a quiet night in, watched a video, had a cuppa tea, as usual. But later, when Liz and me were on wer ain, the cracks started tae show. Ah felt awkward. Ah’ve no been away fae hame that often, the odd weekend at a match wi the boys or that, but ah’ve aye come back ready tae tell her all aboot it, lookin forward tae bedtime as you’d expect. But ah fund masel hingin aboot the bathroom efter ma shower, spendin ages brushin ma teeth and footerin aboot, kind of hopin she’d be asleep afore ah got intae bed. But of course she wasnae.
When ah got in beside her the frosties reached sub-zero. Ah wasnae feelin much like it anyway but thought ah’d better make a bit of an effort, but when ah reached ower her she rolled away as far as she could the other side. So ah turnt on ma side and said, ‘Night.’ And she done the same.
The next week we were daein a job in a big hoose, workin late every night tae get it finished. The guy was a pop star – his band had been big a couple a year ago – but it was his girlfriend who was in charge. He didnae gie a toss, was just puttin up the dough for it. Anyway he seemed tae have plenty brass tae chuck aboot.
It’s funny – work. Everybuddy goes on aboot how they want tae win the lottery and chuck in their jobs but ah sometimes think that ah’m happiest workin. And ah wis glad tae have sumpn tae get on wi, that ah could dae wioot thinkin. That weekend at the retreat – ah enjoyed it, but it kind of done ma heid in. Aw they folk. Aw that flamin meditatin. Or should ah say, tryin tae meditate. The only bit ah really enjoyed wis thon night ah sat listenin tae the rain. Just sittin.
Just as well ah wasnae around much that week: by the time ah did get in at night ah was knackered and there was only time tae get a bit of dinner and flake oot in fronty the telly fur an hour afore bed. Gave things time tae settle doon between me and Liz. We just kind of forgot aboot it: there was nae time fur it tae become a big deal. On the Friday night we’d arranged tae go fur a drink and a meal wi Paul and his wife. We finished work early on the Friday, put the last coat on about two so ah got hame first. Ah’d bought a bunch a freesia and stuck them in a vase in the kitchen. It’s Liz’s favourite – she likes the smell. Ah jumped in the shower then went and laid oot on the bed. The tiredness seemed tae hit me all of a sudden and the next thing ah knew Anne Marie was staundin beside me.