Authors: Dawn Pendleton
9
Gabby
I stayed in the room for another hour, letting the tears fall, a seemingly endless waterfall. When I finally dried up, unable to shed another tear for the man I lost, I took a shower, letting the heat warm my ice-cold veins.
I was pissed off that Wolfe read my letter, but worried that he actually thought I only slept with him because of Rainey’s note. Granted, Rainey kind of pushed me in the right direction, as most best friends do, but I was the one who decided to take a chance on us again. It was what I truly wanted, and it took dealing with the events of the past year to make me see it. I wanted to stop running from him, to actually invest in our relationship, and put forth an effort instead of hiding.
I stayed too long under the steady stream of hot water, so much so that my skin wrinkled and pruned. I dried off with one of the plush white towels and then dressed in the same clothes I’d worn into the hotel earlier in the day. I ran my fingers through my hair, not bothering to give it a thorough brushing, and then pulled on my winter coat. The snow was falling beautifully outside, the air crisp and clean, something I never got tired of, unlike Wolfe, who complained about the chilly weather every winter.
I didn’t blame him, really, since he was from Florida and I was born and raised in Casper. He somehow managed to always keep warm in the snowy weather, though, which was more than I could say for me. I froze every year, regardless of how warm I dressed. As much as he complained about the weather, Wolfe never seemed to get cold, something I admired and hated at the same time.
It didn’t matter now, though, since I ruined everything. Being selfish for the past year finally caught up with me. Which meant I was stuck with dealing with being alone forever, because let’s be honest, where the hell would I find another man as caring, compassionate, and giving as Wolfe? They simply didn’t exist, I was sure.
The Jeep was cold when I started it and Wolfe was nowhere to be found, so I sat there for a moment, letting the heater work its magic and rubbing my hands together in the chilly air. I felt more alone than I had in a while, even though Wolfe and I had spent the last year separated. There was nothing I could say to convince him that it wasn’t what Rainey said in her letter that made me see the light and want to be with him again. The truth was: I needed him.
Wolfe completed my life, made me feel whole. He was the reason I’d survived the past year, whether he wanted to believe it or not. I always figured, in the back of my mind, that we would get back together, as soon as I stopped being afraid. But that fear was crippling, making me unsure of everything in the world around me. Add that to the fact that two people close to me had just died, and I was a mess.
A breakdown was well overdue, as well. I’d been strong too long, for Rainey, for Mallory; they were my best friends, but I was suddenly the one who needed the comfort I’d been dishing out in the last eight months.
I sighed, pulling the shifter in gear and getting on the road. The inn was already behind me, as well as the most amazing night I’d spent with Wolfe in all our years together. It had been wonderful, too. The way he showered me with attention, making sure I came with him instead of before or not at all. He’d always been passionate, but that day would be burned on my brain for all eternity.
I needed to talk to him. I pulled out my cell phone, found his name in my contacts list, and then pushed
send
. He had to answer; I had so much to say.
“What is it, Gabby?” he answered, his voice clipped and void of emotion.
I took a deep breath. “I think we should talk. You didn’t give me a chance to explain things.”
“There’s nothing to explain. You felt bad for me and were feeling emotional about Rainey. I completely understand, and don’t worry, I won’t hold any of it against you when we go to court next week.”
Court?
“Wolfe, I don’t want to go to court,” I admitted.
“There’s no turning back at this point. We just have to sign the papers and make it official. My lawyer already called and I am signing them once I get back to town.”
I was stunned by his sudden change of heart. He really wanted to go through with the divorce, and I was stuck wanting to still be with him.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is,” he said, his voice strained. “Is there anything else?”
“No, I think that about covers it. Bye, Wolfe.”
He didn’t reply; instead, the line went dead. I tossed my cell in the cup holder, fighting the tears that threatened to spill over. I would not cry over him.
Again
.
* * * * *
It was dark when I pulled into Mallory’s driveway. She and Luke came outside, both smiling. When they saw I was the only one in the Jeep, they realized their plan had gone awry. I got out and walked up to the porch, more disheartened than ever.
“Where’s Wolfe?” Luke asked.
“At his house, I assume. I appreciate what you guys did for us, but it didn’t work.”
“Well, I’m going to run over and drop his Jeep off for him.” He walked over to the Jeep.
“Keys are in it,” I told him, hardly paying any attention as he started it up and then drove off. I was too busy trying not to cry.
Mallory met me on the steps. “Come inside,” she directed as she put an arm around my shoulders and led me into the house.
By the time she sat me down on the couch, tears flooded my eyes. I wiped them away angrily, pissed off that Wolfe’s rejection was getting to me that much. Wasn’t I the one who dumped him last year?
“Want some tea?” Mallory asked before sitting down.
I nodded and let the tears fall, wondering where I went wrong. Letting Wolfe find Rainey’s letter had been a bad decision, but even I knew I made a ton of mistakes before that. Like not telling anyone about the rape. I felt so shamed afterward, but the reality was, I didn’t do anything wrong. Granted, I didn’t the kind of closure women get who are able to prosecute their attackers, but not even that mattered at the moment. I had been willing to let everything go earlier in the day, but as I sat on Mallory’s couch, the faint scent of her father, Joe, still lingering, I knew that I was damaged, more broken than ever. It was as if my heart was a mirror that had been shattered into a million tiny pieces, left abandoned on the ground for anyone to step on.
When Mallory brought me a mug of tea, I decided right then to tell her about my problem, despite my fears.
I sipped the hot tea and then set my mug down. “I was raped.”
Mallory spit her tea all over the coffee table. “
What?
”
“It happened last year, before you came home, and it’s the reason I decided to separate from Wolfe.”
“I – I have no idea what to say,” Mallory said, her voice depleted. She grasped my hands in hers. “I’m so sorry, Gabby. I wish you had told me sooner.”
“I know. I wish I had, too. I don’t really want to go into details, but that’s what I’ve been hiding from everyone this past year.” I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Even though the bastard probably wouldn’t be brought to justice, it was a relief to share my burden with someone.
“You know I’m here for you. And we can talk as little or as much as you want about what happened,” Mallory said.
“I appreciate that, Mal. For now, I just want to forget it,” I replied.
“I know I’ve been a shitty friend these last few months, but I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done, for me and Luke, for Rainey and Baker – you’re basically the glue that has held us all together for so long. I know Rainey was so thankful for you, too. Remember that night after she and Baker got back from their honeymoon?” Mallory smiled.
I nodded. As if I could forget.
After a week of being holed up at some inn up north, Rainey and Baker were back from their honeymoon, and Rainey called to say she wanted to meet up at the bar and dance the night away. She was feeling better these days, something I attributed to Baker, whose love kept her healthy.
When I got to the bar, Rainey and Mallory were at our usual table, both sipping water. I looked longingly at the bottle of Midori on the bar shelf, wondering if it would upset Rainey if I had a drink.
“Two Midori Sours,” Rainey ordered after I sat down and a waitress appeared. Mallory and I looked at her questioningly. “Just because I can’t drink doesn’t mean you two should suffer. Besides, I’m naturally hilarious and you two need to loosen up.”
Mal and I laughed, knowing how right she was. When our drinks arrived, we tipped them up.
“Let’s jumpstart this party,” Rainey said a moment later, ordering Washington Apple shots next.
Mallory and I shared a worried look, but accepted the shots anyway. We toasted to Rainey and Baker, wishing them all the time and happiness in the world. We chugged the large shots and I shook my head afterward. They were delicious.
“How was the honeymoon?” Mallory asked with a giggle.
“Amazing. We went to this beautiful inn up in the mountains. All the rooms are suites with Jacuzzi hot tubs in them. It was absolutely perfect. We mostly just had sex, though,” she said with a smirk.
“You’re bad,” Mallory chastised her. “Poor Gabby here isn’t even getting any. You should just sleep with Wolfe again,” she said to me.
I froze up, but Rainey saved me from answering. “What does she need him for? She has toys.”
“I do not!” I exclaimed, far too loud. Several bar patrons turned toward us and I hung my head in shame. “I hate you both.”
“You love us,” Mallory countered. The band started playing a newer song we all recognized. “We should dance.”
“I’m in,” Rainey agreed.
I dragged my feet, but they eventually got me out on the floor. I had no rhythm at all, but I just tried to follow along as Rainey and Mallory danced around me. They were both excellent dancers, showing off their moves like pros.
When the song ended, I pleaded with them for another drink before we danced anymore and they relented. I downed my Midori back at the table. When I looked up, Mallory and Rainey were both staring, but not at me. Their heads were turned in the direction of the dance floor, both of their jaws gaping open.
I turned to see what they were staring at and my jaw dropped too. In the middle of the dance floor was a girl I vaguely remembered from high school, probably just a year or two older than us. She did the splits amid the crowd, who cheered her on. She looked perfectly comfortable as she spread her legs and dropped to the floor. Just the movement made me cringe.
“How in the hell can she do that?” Mallory asked, turning her attention back to the table.
“I have no idea,” I muttered, still staring at the woman, stunned. “I do know that if I tried that, all anyone would hear would be the huge ripping sound.”
Rainey laughed. “From your pants splitting?”
“No, from my vagina breaking in half.”
They both burst into laughter at my joke, and I made a funny face, slammed back the rest of my Midori Sour, and ordered another.
It was a wonderful memory, one I was glad to have made with my best friends before Rainey was taken.
“I miss her,” Mallory said, bringing me back to the present.
“Me too,” I mumbled.
“So do you want to get Wolfe back?”
“Of course. I just don’t know how,” I explained.
“I think I might have a plan,” Mallory promised. “But it’s going to take a bit of work.”
“I’m so in.”
10
Wolfe
The house was quiet, and although I normally couldn’t stand the silence, I enjoyed it after a day spent making love to the woman of my dreams and then having my heart ripped out by her in a matter of hours. I wasn’t in a good mood. I spent an hour pacing, trying to ignore the six pack of Bud Light in the fridge. Just as I gave in, I heard my Jeep pull into the drive.
I popped the top on one and downed half the contents before I walked to the front door. If I had to see her again, I needed the liquid courage. When I pulled open the door, though, it wasn’t a pretty brunette who could shred my heart. Standing on the porch with a stupid grin on his face was Luke.
“Miss me?” he joked, stepping over the threshold.
I ignored him and went back to the kitchen to finish my beer. I tipped it up and closed my eyes, enjoying its taste and more than ready for its effects. When the bottle was knocked out of my hand, liquid gold poured out of the bottle and all over my T-shirt and chin.
“Dammit, Luke!” I yelled, trying to be surlier than I felt. His burst of laughter had me joining in, unable to stay angry. I needed the laugh. I really needed to get the hell out of dodge, though, if I was honest with myself.
“I take it the day didn’t go as planned?” Luke asked, helping himself to a beer.
“What exactly
was
the plan, Luke? Did you guys really think this would work?” I countered, pissed that things were so screwy.
“It was Rainey’s idea. She wanted to be able to touch everyone’s lives after she was gone. She and Mallory concocted this idea to get you and Gabby back together. For the record, I didn’t think it was a good idea.”
“Because
that
makes me feel better,” I muttered.
“Don’t be a dick. They just wanted to do something nice for you guys.” He narrowed his eyes at me.
I took a deep breath. “I know. And honestly, it worked. We spent the whole day together,” I told him. “But then I found the letter Rainey wrote to Gabby and realized the only reason Gabby gave in was because she felt bad for Rainey, and the fact that her best friend couldn’t be with the man she loved anymore, so Gabby just wanted to take advantage of the situation. It was guilt that made her have sex with me again.”
Luke chuckled. “You really think it was guilt? Has Gabby ever done anything she didn’t want to do? Hell, that girl is more stubborn than Mallory. She made her choice, Wolfe.”
No,” I said, shaking my head. “She felt pressured into a choice she didn’t truly want.” I believed that she wanted me, but only because she felt guilty, or depressed, or some other unknown emotion after she read Rainey’s letter.
“You’re wrong,” Luke accused. “You’re just too stupid to see it.”
“I have packing to do. You can let yourself out,” I said to him, pissed off and getting angrier with each passing moment.
“Kicking me out?” Luke grinned.
“He better not be,” Baker announced from the front door. He raised a brow at me. “What’s your problem?”
“Nothing. I have no problems at all in the whole fucking world. Would you both just leave me alone?” I didn’t want to deal with either of them.
“Fuck that. I just lost my wife, Wolfe. I won’t see you go through that same pain, especially when there’s something you can do to stop it.”
I gulped. “Just go.”
I didn’t want to have this conversation; I didn’t want to be guilted into a relationship with Gabby because of someone else’s loss. It wasn’t fair and I didn’t need the stress of it.
“What are you packing?” Luke asked, changing the subject.
“I’m leaving this god-forsaken state and heading home, to Florida. I should have done it last year.”
“You can’t leave,” Baker replied, stepping fully into the kitchen. “If anything, you have a court date next week.”
“I’m aware of my upcoming divorce,” I replied. “I want to pack everything up and ship it back to Florida and then I’ll go down after the divorce is final.”
“That would be a mistake,” Luke announced.
“Fuck off,” I murmured, ready to be rid of both of them. They were getting on my nerves and after the day I had, I was ready to let both of them have it.
“You’re allowed to be angry,” Baker explained.
I lost it. “I’m
allowed
to be angry? What the fuck is everyone’s problem in this town? You both think that because you got to experience love that everyone else has to, too? Well fuck that. Gabby was right to ask for a divorce, I’m no fucking good for her. Now get the fuck out of my house before I throw you out,” I threatened. It was an empty threat, and they both knew it, but they acquiesced to my demand.
“We’ll talk to you later,” Luke said as he walked out. Baker just shook his head at me, a decidedly disappointed look on his face.
Once the front door closed behind them, I dropped my chin to my chest in defeat. With both hands wrapped around my near-empty beer bottle, I squeezed. I closed my eyes against the sudden rush of emotions.
I always thought, in the back of my mind, that Gabby and I would end up together, that she would get past whatever was holding her back from our relationship. But everything started to clear, to make sense. I was holding on to a woman who didn’t want to be with me. Sure, she changed her mind today, but that wasn’t going to last, I knew. She was probably already planning on how to let me down easy and say that what happened at the inn was a mistake.
And it was.
It was probably the worst mistake I’d made in the last year, even going beyond the fact that I stuck around this past year, anxious to try to make things work. She and I just weren’t meant to be. I couldn’t pretend anymore, couldn’t act like this divorce wasn’t killing me, ripping my soul apart, piece by piece.
As if my thoughts had summoned her, I looked up and saw her staring at me through the glass front door. I stared at her, confused, for a second before I walked over to open the door. I leaned against it and continued to look at her beautiful face. Her sparkling blue eyes were sad, something that cut my heart. I didn’t want to be the reason for her sadness anymore.
“Can I come in?” she asked.
“It’s a free country,” I muttered, turning away from the door. Just looking at her caused me physical pain, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I heard her sigh as she came through the door, kicking her boots against the doorjamb to shake off the excess snow. I walked back to the kitchen and got another beer.
“Want a beer?” I asked, figuring she would say no.
“Sure.”
I glanced at her and finally noticed how nervous she seemed. She was ringing her hands together, standing only just inside the large kitchen. When she bit her lower lip and closed her eyes, I knew she was nerved up about something.
I handed her a beer. “You okay?”
“Of course,” she spoke quickly. She took a deep breath, which seemed to steady her. “Can we talk?”
“I’m not sure there’s anything left to say,” I told her.
“Well, I have some things to say, if you’ll listen.”
I nodded, gesturing to the small table tucked in the corner of my kitchen. There were only two chairs, which gave it an oddly intimate feeling. I waited.
After what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, she began. “I’m going to tell you about something that happened to me last year, something I kept hidden from you because I was so ashamed of it, so disgusted by it, I thought keeping it to myself was the only way to make it go away. But really, I just wanted to hide it away and pretend it never happened. But I want you to make me a promise before I tell you,” she paused.
“Okay …”
“You have to promise not to interrupt me until I’m finished. It’s going to be hard to get out, so I just want to get through it, and then afterwards, you can say what you want.”
“I can do that,” I told her.
“Okay, good. So, last year, I went to a birthday party for a friend at school. I had too much to drink, which you already knew. What you didn’t know is that …” she trailed off, tears forming in her eyes.
I was worried, my mind flashing an obscene number of things that could have happened at that party. Maybe she cheated on me. I drew a deep breath to calm myself and waited for her to continue.
“That night, I ended up at a frat party with a group of people I didn’t really know, including some less than upstanding guys. One of them cornered me in one of the upstairs bedrooms. He forced himself on me.”
I continued to wait, despite the boiling blood in my veins.
Someone touched my wife and she didn’t want him to? I’ll kill him,
I thought. But I remained silent.
“I realize now that I should have told you, should have reported it, but I was so ashamed, so worried that you would hate me … I couldn’t do it. And it’s too late now. I don’t even remember what he looked like. The next day, I managed to get home without drawing too much attention and I figured you just brushed it off as a hangover, which it was, but there was more to it. Since that day, I haven’t been able to think about anything sexual with you, because I was so afraid. But today, it was like a light came on, showing me that you were the only one who could overpower and banish the cold feeling that’s been flooding me for the past year. And you did. Because of you, I’m finally able to let the past go, let everything go, including our differences. I want you back in my life, Wolfe. Permanently.”
I swallowed the thickening lump in my throat, knowing how hard it must have been for her to tell me that. For the very first time in my life, I couldn’t speak. Images of Gabby being defiled by some dumbass college kid kept flashing in my mind, rendering me unable to form a coherent thought outside of killing the asshole who did that to her.
“I’m done now, Wolfe. You can talk now.” She gave me a hesitant laugh.
I stood up and tugged on her hands, pulling her up to me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. I felt the slight tremble in her arms as she wound them around my neck, burying her face in the crook of my shoulder. I felt her hot tears on my skin and squeezed her tighter. I just wanted her to feel loved, not abused. I needed her to know how much I loved her, no matter what was done to her.
I still couldn’t speak, though. My throat was nearly closed with the clog of emotion I felt. I coughed, desperate to give her some comforting words, to say anything at all, but no words would come. So I just closed my eyes, inhaled the scent of her sweet hair, and held her closer. She seemed to appreciate my lack of conversation and just held on to me, letting me comfort her.