Broken Hearts Damaged Goods (7 page)

S
ept. 24, 2010

Jack has been different
this week.  He still has his moments of melancholy where he is silent and lost
in thought, but he has also been more outgoing and wanting to do things.  He
has been seeing his friends and talking to them.

Tonight, Jack and I
went to the movies.  It was kind of a date.  I don’t want to officially call it
a date, especially since Megan has been getting on to me about trying to read
too much into everything I do with Jack.

Anyway, the other
night, Jack and I were in bed.  He has his left arm around me and he’s playing
with my hair with his right hand.  We were just talking about stuff like we do,
and then he goes, “What are you doing Friday night?”

I was caught a little
off guard, but I told him that I didn’t know.

He then said, “Well, I
would like to take you out to a dinner and a movie... if you don’t have other
plans.”

He seemed kind of
nervous and acted like I was going to say no.  He was really cute, actually.

I made sure that I
didn’t use the word “date” all week with him.  I didn’t want him to think that
I thought we were dating and scare him off.  Taking me out to dinner and a
movie on a Friday night could mean something else to him than what I would like
to think that it means, so I just had to find other ways to define it.  We were
two friends of the opposite sex spending time alone together where the man
agreed to pay for everything and the man asked if I wanted to do this with him.

So despite this being
the technical definition of date, I did not call it a date and neither did
Jack.  And maybe I don’t really care about defining what tonight was.  It was
nice to get out of the house and to spend time with him.

He seemed to be a
different person tonight when we were out.  It wasn’t like a Jekyll/Hyde thing
or him having different moods as he is dealing with the breakup.  And I can’t
really define what was different about him tonight.

He was sweet, kind, and
caring, but he is usually that with me.  He seemed interested in what I was
saying, but he has always done that, even when we didn’t really know each
other.  So I can’t really say what was different, especially at dinner.

Dinner was at the local
Italian place, which happens to be my favorite restaurant.  He had been asking
me questions all week trying to figure some place to take me.  I wasn’t going
to tell him where I liked to eat in town.  I didn’t want him to try to treat me
to a perfect date when I was pretty sure that he wasn’t considering this a
date.  It would hurt too much later to know that everything that I thought was
perfect was just to make me happy and not done out of any sort of feelings for
me.

Anyway, he was able to
figure out my favorite restaurant.  He even made us reservations. And it was
just a perfect dinner that I would have killed to have with any guy that I was
dating, but there I was with a guy that I’m crazy about and not actually
dating.

And I can’t say what
was different about him at dinner.  Maybe it was just that he was out of the
house.  I think he is feeling a bit trapped in there all of the time.  It’s our
safe place where we are free to make out with each other, discuss our deepest
thoughts, fears, regrets, etc.  To go out in public together and to know that
people can see us and possible overhear something that we could say might have
altered the way he acted with me tonight.  But it wasn’t like we were putting
on a show like we did last weekend at the party.

After dinner, we walked
around the mall for a little bit before going to the movies.  At one point, he
took my hand.  He didn’t just do that guy trick of testing the waters by
accidentally bumping his hand into mine as we were walking.  He made a clear
decision to hold my hand, and yet it was completely natural and didn’t feel
like a guy putting the moves on me.

I don’t want to say
that he was putting the moves on me.  I don’t know that he was or ever has. 
When I smiled at him as he took my hand, he said, “I need to hold onto you. 
You’re all I’ve got right now.”  It was extremely cheesy, but it was also very
sweet and heartfelt.

It felt good to hold
hands with him.  I haven’t done that with a guy in a very long time.  I don’t
know why.  I haven’t been holding hands with the majority of the guys that I’ve
dated lately.

It seems that the more
intimate I have become with men physically, the less intimate I have become
with men emotionally.  That is the thing that I am finding about being with
Jack.  I’m okay with us not fooling around or having sex because I am spending
so much more time getting to actually know him.  And he does things like
holding my hand, or holding me as we are talking.

Maybe he thinks of me
as just a friend that is helping him to get over a breakup, but it feels nice
to actually be a part of somebody’s life and to be needed and wanted for
something other than my sexual skills.

And it was nice to be
on an actual date tonight with him where the guy paid for the dinner and
movie.  It was a simple date, but I haven’t had a really nice date like tonight
since a long time before Steve.

Maybe guys have changed
from what I remembered wanting from them as I was growing up.  Maybe I just
accepted the reality of what men were like instead of demanding my expectations
from them.  Either way, I had a really good time tonight with Jack.  I was able
to watch the movie with him, and not have him try to make out with me
throughout the film.  He did play with my fingers in a cute, loving way during
the movie, but it was more of that emotional connection kind of way than in the
physical getting off sort of way.

It was just such a
perfect date that I forgot that he was living with me.  We were standing at the
front door.  We were holding hands and facing each other.  I told him that I
had a really great time tonight and then went in for that perfect kiss to top off
the evening.

The kiss was amazing. 
I don’t want to read something into it, but I think he put his feelings into
it, too.  And then there was this awkward moment where I didn’t know what he
was wanting, so I just smiled.

He then seemed a little
sheepish and asked, “Do you have your key?  I mean, I like kissing you out here
and all, but the neighbors are kind of looking at us.”

And then I remembered
that I was living with the guy that I had just had the best first date of my
life with.

There’s not really a
good way to recover from a situation like this, at least not gracefully where
you don’t give away that you like this guy.  I ended up just apologizing,
taking out my key, and then dropping my key.  I started to bend over to pick it
up, but then eyes caught a glimpse of his crotch, which looked nice in his
jeans.  And then I thought that bending over so that my head was in his general
crotch area wasn’t a good idea, so I said, “Can you pick that up for me?  All I
can think about right now is giving you a blowjob.”

And as soon as I said
it, I realized just how bad it sounded.  And there was a moment where I
contemplated whether I should try clarifying that statement by what I really
meant to say, or whether the clarification would come out even worse than the
original statement.  But thinking that what I said was pretty bad, I decided to
blabber out a clarification.

“Not that I’m mentally
obsessed about giving you a blowjob right now.  I just meant that I thought it
might be awkward for me to bend over right now with you positioned the way you
are to pick up the key.  That’s all I meant by saying that I was thinking about
blowing you right now.”

Which I then felt that
my clarification needed a clarification.  I didn’t want to leave him with the
impression that I was opposed to pleasuring him in that way.  Ideally it would
lead to him pleasuring me, which I would like very much.  And it was out of
that desire that I started to issue my clarification.

Thankfully before I got
too far into this clarification, he had picked up the key, pulled me closer to
him, and started to kiss me while opening the door.  He then just gently led me
inside and closed the door behind us.  His kiss was soft and sweet.  It wasn’t
like a guy leading me back to the bedroom, especially after I had initiated a
conversation about blowjobs.  And that is what kind of threw me off.  So when I
opened up my eyes and saw that beautiful face of his, I didn’t quite know what
to expect.

I certainly didn’t
expect him to say, “So is it okay if I call you sometime so that we can go out
again?”

“I would like that very
much.”

I’m not going to read
too much into him ending it like an official date.  I think he was just trying
to get me past the awkwardness of everything that I had just said, which makes
him just a little bit cuter than what I already thought  he was.

He then kissed me on
the cheek and whispered in my ear, “I’m going to get ready for bed.  I’ll see
you there later, but Megan is kind of looking at us like she is wanting to talk
to you.”

So Jack went to bed,
and I went into the living room to talk to my best friend, whether it was to
get a lecture or to share all of the details of the night’s activities.  It
ended up being okay.  She wasn’t lecturing me.  She just wanted to know what
was happening between me and Jack, especially after she saw the way that we
entered the apartment.

I told her that the
kiss wasn’t really what it seemed and explained the whole
date
evening
with him.  And when I got to the part about the blowjob outside, I mean, the discussion
about the... Anyway, when I described the events leading up to his graceful
exiting of my awkward moment, she understood what she saw a little bit better. 
But she did wonder whether he felt anything for me, or what was going on
between us.

And I didn’t know what
to tell her.  Not having ever dated a nice guy before, I don’t know how to
exactly take most of what Jack does.  And it makes it harder in that we have
this agreement where we are just using each other to get over a broken heart.

What confuses me the
most is that he seems reluctant to be intimate with me.  He seems comfortable
holding me, kissing me, playing with my hair, and caressing me, but he has
never tried to touch any of my sexual parts.  I’ve just never been with a guy
that didn’t at least try to cop a feel by this point in our relationship, I
mean, at this point in the amount of time that I have spent with him.

I don’t know if when he
touches me and kisses me that he is thinking about her, and that he won’t do
other sexual things because he knows that I’m not her.  And I would ask him,
but there is no good way to bring up something like this.

Besides, maybe it
doesn’t matter.  I know that he is going through a hard time right now.  And I
am truly thankful to have him in my life right now.  He makes me feel... like I
have never felt before when I was with a guy.  The actual definition of our
relationship is relatively unimportant in that context.

When I made it to bed
later that night, I found him lying there peacefully.  He looked really
beautiful with his arm flung up over his head.  He looked like he wanted to be
there and belonged there.  And I would have stayed there admiring him, but I
felt that was a bit creepy.  So I tried my best to get into bed without
disturbing him.

And I thought I had
done a really great job of that when he rolled over on his side and put his arm
around me.  “You know, if I’m going to call you, you’re going to have to give
me your number.”

I can’t tell you how
happy it made me that he said that to me.  Although, considering that we have
been sleeping together for three weeks now, it seems like we should have given
each other our numbers before this.  I tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal,
though.  I figured this was the best thing to do since he had already started
to cup my hand into his, playing with my fingers, and scooted closer so that he
could spoon me, which gave away his hard on.  I know guys can get those for any
number of reasons, but I would like to think it was me and that he had been
nursing one for as long as I was out there talking to Megan.

Anyway, I said, “Has
not having my number been keeping you up all night?”

“No, not having you in
my arms did that.”

And there was really
nothing to say to that.  I mean, I wanted to let out a giant “Oooooh” sound
that would convey just how cute that was, but it’s generally best not to do
that to in front of a guy.  They don’t like to know when they are being really
cute and adorable.  They think it makes them less of a man.

And I would have rolled
over so that I could see him and make out with him, but I kind of wanted to
wait and see what he was going to do.  I didn’t want to encourage him
physically after I had made the blowjob comment earlier that night.  It would
be like rewarding his cuteness with a sexual favor.  I felt like that was bad
at this point in the relationship.

And yet I couldn’t not
respond to what he just said.  If I didn’t say anything, then he might take
that to mean that I wasn’t interested.  So I had to think of something to say
that would show that I was interested, but not overly interested.  This somehow
came out as, “If we had met at a bar or somewhere other than through Steve,
would you have still asked me out tonight?”

And he was quiet for a
minute, as my heart was breaking for an answer and I was silently praying that
he had somehow fallen asleep.  He then said, “When was the last time a guy
actually took you out on a date?”

And instead of
answering the question, I ended up babbling on about meeting guys at parties or
at the bar and doing more hooking up than dating.  Even the dates I had had
seemed less like a date and more like the formal trappings of a date with a guy
that I was actually in a relationship with, even though I knew very little
about the man, except what he looked like naked.