Bride for Glenmore (14 page)

Reminding herself that he’d deceived her, Kyla tried to hold onto her anger but she felt it slipping out of her. ‘You were a child.’

‘Don’t make excuses for me. Catherine and I spent the next ten years trying to make each other miserable, and usually succeeding. We argued, we fought, we each blamed the other for our terrible home life. She was half-wild, always running away from school and driving my father mad. Three times he had to collect her from the police station—did she ever tell you that? I thought she was incredibly selfish. She thought I was aloof, remote and judgmental. We couldn’t wait to get out of each other’s lives.’

‘When did you last see her?’

‘Ten years ago.’

‘Ten years…’ Kyla tried to imagine not seeing Logan for ten years. ‘So—why did you follow her here? Why now if you didn’t have that sort of relationship?’

For a long moment Ethan didn’t answer. ‘She wrote to me, a year ago, and I realise now that it was probably just a few days before she went into labour with Kirsty. It was the only letter I ever had from her and probably the only communication we had that wasn’t tinged with bitterness. She wrote because she said that she’d discovered paradise. She told me that she’d settled in Scotland and suddenly felt different about life. She realised that family were important and she wanted to make contact. She told me that I was going to be an uncle.’

‘Did you write back?’

‘By the time I received her letter, she was already dead.’

‘But—’

‘I was working in the Sudan, Kyla. I was in Africa. I was battling heat and dust and disease like you cannot possibly imagine.’ His voice was raw and she suddenly realised just how much of this man she didn’t know. She’d assumed he’d worked in London. ‘She sent the letter to my flat in London. For some reason it wasn’t forwarded. I only received it two months ago when I finally came home.’

‘So why not just turn up here and introduce yourself? Why pretend to be someone else?’

He frowned in response to her question. ‘I didn’t pretend.’

‘But her surname was King. How can you be Walker?’

‘Her mother refused to take my father’s name. She was always King and I was Walker.’

‘She never mentioned you,’ Kyla told him. ‘She always said that her family could have done with living on Glenmore for a while. I suppose she felt that having the baby was a time to make a fresh start.’

‘That letter has tortured me. It left me with so many unanswered questions. The Catherine in that letter bore no resemblance to the Catherine of my childhood. She claimed it was this place that had changed her.’ He breathed in and looked around him. ‘She said that it was Glenmore. The sea, the ruins, the wildness. And most of all the people.’

‘She arrived on the ferry one day with a backpack and never left. Glenmore has that effect on some people.’
But not on him.
The island hadn’t changed him or caused him to open up to others. He was as reserved and self-contained as ever.

‘Something in her letter affected me deeply. She described everything in such detail. Not just the scenery but the people. She talked about everyone as if she knew them. It was the first time I’d ever had the sense that she had been interested in anything other than herself. That letter showed me a completely different side of her.’

‘She fitted in very quickly.’ Kyla watched his face, trying to gauge his reaction, but as usual he gave nothing away. ‘So what made you come here? Was it just Kirsty?’

‘No. I felt as though I’d lost something. Which was ridiculous because up until that letter Catherine and I had never had anything that we could lose. We’d never shared anything. But she’d obviously discovered a different part of herself and new priorities. And maybe I had, too.’ He gave a faint smile. ‘A year working in Africa does tend to sort out your priorities. Her letter was intriguing. I suppose I wanted to see the place that had changed her so dramatically. I wanted to see Glenmore the way she would have seen it. And, of course, I wanted to meet my niece and the man who my sister fell in love with and married.’

‘And you couldn’t just have been honest with us?’ Despite what he’d told her, she was still angry with him.
Angry that he hadn’t told her the truth.
‘Couldn’t you have told
me?’
Her implication was clear, and he didn’t flinch from her gaze.

‘I’m used to doing things by myself. I’m used to finding my own way. That’s the person I am, Kyla.’

She refused to let him duck the issue. ‘You deceived us.’

‘Not intentionally and not in the way that you mean. I was always going to tell you. I’m just sorry you found out in the way you did.’

‘The letter fell out of your pocket. I didn’t intend to read it but then I saw Kirsty’s name.’ She took a deep breath. ‘So what happens now? Are you going back to Africa?’ Her question hovered in the air between them and for a long moment he didn’t answer.

‘Not Africa,’ he said finally. ‘I want very much to be part of Kirsty’s life, so Africa isn’t an option, but as to what else…’ He shrugged and the fact that he still made no reference to what they’d shared—
made no attempt to touch her
—hurt more than she could have imagined possible.

‘You have to tell Logan.’

‘Of course.’ His voice was quiet. ‘I was always going to tell Logan when the time was right. I’m going now. Are you coming?’

She shook her head. She needed space. She didn’t know what she thought any more. ‘You go.’

‘I’ll see you later.’

She turned to look at him. ‘This is an island, Dr Walker. Of course you’ll see me later.’

CHAPTER TEN

‘C
AN
you imagine that? Being given the chance to patch up your relationship with your sister and then realising that you’re too late. How awful. Fancy having to live with that. And fancy Catherine never even mentioning that she had a brother. It was obviously such a thorny subject.’ Evanna carefully turned the chicken on the barbecue. ‘Poor Ethan. No wonder he always seemed so tense, poor thing.’

‘Poor thing?’ Kyla stared at her friend. ‘Aren’t you at all angry? Don’t you think he should have told us?’

‘I think it’s lovely that Kirsty has more family to love her. We don’t all live life by the same rules, Kyla,’ Evanna said mildly, reaching down and scooping Kirsty into her arms. ‘We don’t all behave according to one rule book. We’re all different people, looking for different things. None of us is perfect.’

Kyla scowled at her. ‘Stop being so reasonable. He took advantage of our hospitality.’

‘Over the centuries Glenmore was often a place of sanctuary for strangers,’ Evanna reminded her softly. ‘We’ve always taken a pride in our hospitality.’

‘But if we’d known who he was—’

‘Then the welcome would have been warmer still,’ Evanna said firmly, hitching Kirsty onto her hip and letting her play with a wooden spoon. ‘I think it’s very exciting for Kirsty to have someone in her life who knew her mother as a child.’

‘I can assure you that the memories aren’t good ones.’

Evanna seemed unconcerned. ‘People are all a mixture of good and bad. Perfection would be pretty hard to live with.’

‘Kirsty will get attached to him and then he’ll leave,’ Kyla predicted, and Evanna looked at her.

‘And does that matter?’

No.

Yes.

She didn’t
want
it to matter.

Oh, she was being so stupid.
‘No, of course not. Well, yes, it’s just that—I—’

‘This isn’t about Kirsty, it’s about you. You’re in love with him and you don’t want him to leave. Have you told him?’

Kyla stared at her friend, wanting to deny it. But her mouth wouldn’t form the necessary lie. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. This is a man who doesn’t exactly communicate his feelings, remember?’

‘That’s him. But you
do
communicate yours, usually pretty loudly…’ Evanna gave a grin ‘…so you should be telling him, just so that there is no doubt.’

Kyla raised an eyebrow. ‘The way you’re telling my brother that you’re in love with him?’

Evanna blushed gently. ‘That’s different. Logan doesn’t notice me and he certainly doesn’t love me. Me telling him my feelings would just embarrass both of us. But Ethan definitely has powerful feelings for you. I suspect he loves you, too, but you might need to nudge him into telling you. I’m willing to bet that he has no idea how you feel about him. At the moment all he sees is your anger.’

Kyla thought about the frantic sex they’d shared in the ruins of the castle. It had been primitive, desperate and… ‘If he’d loved me, wouldn’t he have trusted me enough to tell me the truth?’

Evanna removed the chicken from the barbecue and put it on the plate. ‘This is a man who isn’t used to sharing and trusting so, no, probably not.’

‘So perhaps he’s wrong for me.’

Evanna smiled and handed her a plate. ‘Perhaps. But isn’t it worth finding out?’

‘He isn’t like us.’

‘And isn’t that a good thing? The planet would certainly be boring if we were all the same.’ Evanna poured dressing on the salad. ‘Eat. You’re always cranky when you’re hungry. Logan will be home soon. He’s up at the surgery with Ethan.’

In the end, Kyla didn’t wait for her brother to return home. She felt restless and confused and she needed to be by herself, so she drove back to her cottage.

And then she sat for ten minutes in her kitchen, looking out at the sea. And she still felt restless and confused so she slipped her feet out of her shoes and went for a walk on the beach.

It was only when she felt a hand on her shoulder that she realised that Ethan was standing behind her.

‘I’ve come to apologise.’ His voice was deep and she turned, feeling her heart leap into her throat at the sight of him. Would she ever be able to look at him and not react like this?

‘For what?’

‘For making love to you before I told you about Catherine. I certainly intended to tell you. But this thing between us is strong—’ He broke off and she felt a twinge of disappointment.

He was talking about the sex, she reminded herself. ‘I’m sorry I shouted at you this morning but I was angry with you.’

‘I know. Justifiably so.’ He didn’t smile. ‘And now, Kyla? Are you still angry?’

‘I’m not sure. I keep going over our conversations and wondering how many of them were just about detective work for you.’

His hand dropped to his side. ‘Is that what you think? That my relationship with you was just a means to finding out about Catherine?’

‘You asked me about her in the pub that night.’ She shook her head in disbelief. ‘She was your sister and yet you were asking me about her and I answered without knowing who you were or why you were asking. And I can’t help wondering if I said something that I shouldn’t have said.’

‘She was my stepsister and I wanted to find out who she was,’ he said quietly. ‘I didn’t know her. The woman I knew would never have settled in a place like this. The Catherine I knew was selfish and didn’t think of anyone but herself. I wanted to hear you talk about her. And I wanted to hear you talk without knowing who I was because I didn’t want my relationship with Catherine to influence your answer. I was trying to understand.’

‘In that case, you should speak to Logan because obviously he knew her the best.’

‘But different people see different things in a person.’

It was very much like something that Evanna would have said, and suddenly she wondered whether she’d been too hard on him. ‘You want me to tell you more about Catherine?’ She thought for a moment, trying to crystallise thoughts and images into something that would paint the picture he was looking for. ‘She was—a bit wild, I suppose. She liked doing mad, crazy things. She flirted with every man she met. She was impossible to pin down and unreliable at social engagements. She wore pink shoes and high heels to the pub when it was pouring with rain and she never remembered to take a coat with her. But she was excited by life and enthusiastic about the island. She loved the beaches and Logan taught her to sail.’

‘Was she pleased to be pregnant?’

‘Oh, yes. She kept talking about family.’ Kyla swallowed as she remembered. ‘She kept saying that she was going to do it right this time, but when I asked her what she meant by that, she’d never tell me. I suppose I know now. Her death was a tragedy. It affected Logan very badly.’

‘I can imagine.’

‘She suddenly became ill but the weather on the island was so bad we couldn’t transfer her for a few hours and the delay was critical. The hospital didn’t think that the outcome would have been any different but Logan has always blamed himself.’ She gave a sad smile. ‘He hates obstetrics now and he always refuses to do home births.’

‘You can hardly blame him for that.’

Kyla thought of her brother and her heart ached. ‘I don’t blame him for anything. But I know he blames himself. He carries it with him all the time.’

‘Having seen your brother work, I know that he would have done everything that could have been done, and he did more for Catherine than anyone else had ever done for her in her life. I wish I could have known the Catherine that she became.’ Ethan’s voice was gruff with emotion. ‘When I read that letter I felt a tremendous sense of loss. Not for what we had, but for what I sensed we could have had. Those early years were too traumatic for both of us and we were too young to be able to adapt. You describe a Catherine who was happy and yet I’d never known her that way. So I wanted to come and see for myself. I suppose although it was too late to change my relationship with her, it wasn’t too late to alter the picture in my head. I wanted to change my memories. I wanted to understand her.’

‘And have you done that?’

‘I’m getting there.’ He stared across the sea, his expression distant. ‘I’m definitely getting there.’

‘And you told Logan who you are?’

‘Yes. He seemed pleased that Kirsty has more family.’ Ethan’s mouth flickered into a self-deprecating smile. ‘Which just goes to show that they know me less well than you do. I’m not sure that I’m going to be the right sort of family for Kirsty.’

Kyla frowned. ‘What do you mean, the right sort of family? Family is family. None of us is perfect but we all do the best we can and we’re all there for each other.’

He turned to look at her. ‘But that’s the bit I’m not so good at, isn’t it? Family, for me, has been no more than a word, but for you it’s a way of life. Your family is reliable and sticks around no matter what. Your family shares. I’m no good at any of those things. I’m used to packing my bags and living where I want to live without thinking about another person’s needs or happiness. I’m used to not needing anyone and to not being needed.’

Kyla looked at him, wondering what it must feel like to be so disconnected from the people around you. ‘That sounds a lonely way to live your life, Dr Walker,’ she whispered, and his eyes lingered on hers.

‘It’s the only way I know.’

‘Feeling needed is good, and needing someone is good, too. For me, it’s what life is all about.’ She looked into his eyes and she willed him to kiss her the way he’d kissed her in the dawn light at the ruined castle. But he didn’t move. He simply stood there, his eyes on her face, as if searching for something that he couldn’t quite find.

And then he thrust his hands in his pockets and turned and headed across the beach and back to the cottage.

So this was how it felt,
Kyla thought bleakly, blinking furiously to clear her vision. This was how it felt to be heartbroken.

Now she knew.

And the pain was worse than she could possibly have imagined.

‘So that was it?’ Evanna frowned at Kyla from across the best table in the café. It was right in the window and had a perfect view of the ferry and the quay. ‘He didn’t say anything about the two of you?’

‘Nothing.’ Kyla stabbed her triple chocolate ice cream with the tip of her spoon, wondering why she felt so totally flat and dejected. ‘I really need to pull myself together. I’m being pathetic.’

‘And what about you? Didn’t you say anything to him?’

‘What was I supposed to do? Beg?’ Kyla frowned and lifted the spoon to her mouth, but the cold chocolate hit did nothing for her. ‘I do have some pride, Evanna.’

‘But he doesn’t know how you feel.’

‘I think it’s his own feelings that are the problem,’ Kyla said gloomily, putting the spoon down and staring out of the window as the ferry pulled away from the dock on the start of its crossing to the mainland. ‘You said that the man had issues, and you’re right. The man has issues.’

‘And you’re going to let that stop you?’

Kyla pushed the ice cream away from her. ‘What do you suggest? That I hang a banner on the front of my cottage, declaring my intentions?’

Evanna grinned. ‘In the old days you would have carved his name on your desk. ‘K loves E. And Miss Carne would have put you in detention.’

‘I feel as though I’m in permanent detention.’

Evanna reached across the table and squeezed her hand. ‘It’s not like you to give up. What’s he going to do now, do you know? Is he leaving?’

‘He hasn’t said.’ Kyla gave a humourless laugh. ‘That would be giving something away, wouldn’t it? And Ethan never gives anything away. I dare say the first I’ll know of it is when Jim tells me he’s driven that flash car of his onto the ferry.’

‘You need to speak to him.’

‘I have my pride.’

Evanna sighed. ‘Pride isn’t going to keep you warm on a cold winter’s night, Kyla MacNeil. You need to think about that next time you’re lying in the bed on your own, staring up at the ceiling. Now, eat your ice cream. If there’s one thing a girl needs at a time like this, it’s chocolate. Lots of it.’

Kyla was in clinic the next morning when Aisla came in.

‘I came to thank you. If you hadn’t thought that Fraser might be in the dungeon, goodness knows what might have happened.’

Kyla smiled. ‘I’m just glad we found him and that everything was all right. Logan said that the CT scan was fine.’

‘They think he has concussion. Apparently he might suffer from headaches for a bit and I need to keep an eye on him, but they don’t think there’s any serious injury. And Dr Walker looked at his wound this morning and seemed to think that it was healing nicely. I still can’t believe he climbed down into that filthy, dark dungeon for my Fraser.’

‘He’s a brave man. A good doctor.’

Aisla sighed. ‘He’ll be a loss to the island.’

Kyla felt her mouth dry. ‘A loss?’

‘Well, he was only ever a locum, wasn’t he? He was reminding me of that this morning when I was trying to persuade him to stay, but I don’t understand it really. The man fits in here. I mean, why leave?’

‘I expect he’s leaving because we can’t offer him what he needs.’ On impulse Kyla stood up and walked towards the door. ‘I’m glad Fraser is on the mend, Aisla. Call us any time if you’re worried.’

She saw Aisla out and then walked into Ethan’s room. ‘What exactly is it that you need?’

He was seated at his desk and he looked up, his dark eyes guarded. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I don’t understand what it is that you need.’ Restless and boiling up with emotions that she couldn’t control, Kyla paced the floor of his consulting room. ‘I mean, it’s all here if you look for it. You love to run and you won’t find better anywhere. Or do you prefer fumes and tarmac to sea breezes and sand? You like to swim and we have a whole ocean waiting for you, or do you prefer chlorine and public pools?’

‘Kyla—’

‘Or is it the medicine?’ she continued breathlessly, turning around and pacing back again. ‘Because I can tell you now that you won’t find greater variety anywhere. This island is like a small world. We have births and deaths and in between we have all the things that are part of life. And we handle most of it ourselves because we can’t refer someone to the hospital every time things get slightly complicated. You’ll get more hands-on experience here than you ever would in a London teaching hospital, and it’s probably just as much of a challenge as Africa in its own way.’