Breathing Room (20 page)

She opened the door to her bedroom, then stopped just inside as light from the hallway fell on her bed. Harry lay on his back in the middle of her mattress, the raspy sounds coming from his mouth not exactly snores, but not exactly not-snores either.

He was still here. She hadn't been completely certain he'd stick around for the rest of the day. She allowed herself a moment of hope, but it didn't last long. Only his sense of obligation had kept him from leaving right away. He'd drive off first thing in the morning.

In looks, Harry was ordinary compared with Ren. His face was too long, his jaw too stubborn, and his light brown hair beginning to thin on top. The creases at the corners of his eyes hadn't been there the night of that dreary cocktail party twelve years ago when she'd accidentally on purpose tipped a glass of wine into his lap.

The moment she'd seen him, she'd made up her mind to get his clothes off, but he hadn't made it easy. As he'd later explained, men like him weren't used to having beautiful women hitting on them. But she'd known what she wanted, and she'd wanted Harry Briggs. His quiet intelligence and steady outlook had been the perfect antidote to her wild, aimless life.

Now Connor lay across his chest, the fingers of one chubby hand caught in the neck of his father's undershirt.Brittanywas pressed against his other side, the final remnant of her tattered blankie draped over his arm. Steffie had curled into a tight, insect-fighting ball near his legs. Only Jeremy was missing, and she suspected that it had taken a supreme act of will to keep him in his room instead of cuddled up with his father and the "brats."

For twelve years Harry had been the calm to her fire, putting up with all the drama and emotional excess that made up who she was. Despite their love for each other, it hadn't been an easy match. Her untidiness drove him crazy, and she hated the way he withdrew when she tried to get him to express his feelings. She'd always been secretly afraid he'd eventually leave her for someone more like himself.

Connor stirred and rolled farther up on his father's chest. Harry instinctively drew him closer. How many nights had they spent with kids in their bed? She never turned them away. It hadn't seemed logical that the most secure people in a family, the parents, were permitted to find comfort together at night but the smallest and most vulnerable were expected to sleep alone. AfterBrittanywas born, they'd moved their king-size mattress to the floor so they didn't have to worry about babies falling out at night and hurting themselves.

Her friends had been incredulous."How can you ever have sex?" But the doors in their house had solid locks, and she and Harry had always managed to find a way. Always, that was, until this last pregnancy, when he'd finally gotten fed up with her.

He stirred and opened his eyes. They were unfocused until they settled on her. For a moment she thought she saw a flicker of that familiar, steadfast love, but then his expression went blank, and she saw nothing at all.

She turned away and went off to find an empty bed.

*

In a small stone house on the outskirts ofCasalleone ,VittorioChiara pulled his wife closer to his side. Giulia liked to sleep with her fingers in his hair, and that's where they were now, woven through the long strands. But she wasn't asleep. His chest was damp beneath her cheek, so he knew she'd been crying, and her silent tears broke his heart.

"Isabel will be gone by November," he whispered. "We'll do the best we can until then."

"What if she doesn't leave? For all we know, he might sell the house to her."

"Don't borrow trouble,cara ."

"I know you're right, but..."

He stroked her shoulder to quiet her. A few years ago he would have made love to her, but that wasn't so much fun anymore. "We've waited a long time," he whispered.

"November isn't far off."

"They're nice people."

She sounded so sad he couldn't bear it, and he said the only thing he could think of that might cheer her up. "I'll be in Cortona on Wednesday night with those Americans I'm taking out. Can you meet me?"

She didn't reply for a moment, but then she nodded against his skin. "I'll be there," she said, sounding just as sad as he felt.

"This time it'll work, you'll see."

Her breath skittered across his skin. "If only she'd go away."

*

Something woke Isabel up. She stirred in bed, then began to drift back off, only to hear it again, a clicking against the window. She turned on her side and listened.

At first she heard nothing, but then it came again: the sound of pebbles being tossed against the glass. She got up and made her way across the tiles. Outside the window only the faintest sheen of moonlight illuminated the garden. And then she saw it.

A ghost.

It moved through the olive grove, a vaporous apparition. She thought about waking Ren, but going anywhere near his bed didn't seem like the best idea. Better to wait until morning.

The ghost moved behind a tree, then drifted out again. Isabel waved, shut the window, and went back to bed.

Chapter 13

Tracyreveled in the luxury of waking up without being poked by a five-year-old or lying in a damp spot from Connor's leaky diaper. If he didn't potty train soon, she was putting him in Depends.

She heard a catcall from Jeremy followed by Steffie's shrill scream. He was teasing her again, andBrittanywas probably running around naked, and Connor got diarrhea if he ate too much fruit at breakfast, but instead of getting up, she buried her face in the pillow. It was still early. What if Harry hadn't left yet? She couldn't bear the thought of watching him drive away.

She closed her eyes and tried to force herself back to sleep, but the baby was stomping on her bladder, so she dragged herself out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. The moment she sat on the toilet seat, the door flew open andSteffie burst in.

"I hate Jeremy. Make him stop teasing me."

Brittanyappeared – dressed for once, but withTracy's lipstick smeared over her mouth.

"Mommy! Look at me!"

"Pick me up!" Connor demanded, padding in, too.

And then Harry was there, standing in the doorway gazing down at her. He hadn't made it to the shower yet, and he wore jeans with one of his sleeping T-shirts. Only Harry Briggs could have T-shirts he'd specifically designated for sleeping, old ones he considered too worn for regular day-time wear but too good to throw out. Even in his sleeping T-shirt he looked better than she did, sitting on the pot with her gown bunched at her waist.

"Could I have a little privacy, please?"

"I hate Jeremy. He called me a—"

"I'll talk to him. Now, leave. All of you."

Harry stepped back from the door. "Go on, kids. Anna said breakfast would be ready in a minute. Girls, take your brother."

The kids reluctantly filed out, and she was left with Harry, the person she least wanted standing around right now. "Everybody means you, too. Why are you still here?"

He regarded her through his glasses. "Because my family's here."

"Like you care about that." She was never at her best in the morning, and today she felt particularly shrewish. "Get out. I have to pee."

"Go right ahead." He sat on the edge of the tub and waited.

Sooner or later pregnant women were robbed of every shred of dignity, and this was one of those times. When she was done, he handed her a precisely folded stack of toilet paper.

She rumpled it just to make the point that everything in life couldn't be as neat as he wanted. She wiped, flushed, and stood up to wash her hands, all without looking at him.

"I suggest we talk now while the children are eating breakfast. I'd like to be on the road bynoon."

"Why wait untilnoonwhen you can go right now?" She squeezed toothpaste onto her brush.

"I told you yesterday. I'm not leaving without the children."

He couldn't work and care for the children at the same time, they both knew that, so why was he doing this? He also knew she wouldn't let an army of stone-hearted husbands take her kids from her. He was trying to manipulate her into going back toZurich.

"Okay, take them. I need a vacation." She began brushing her teeth as if she didn't have a care in the world.

In the mirror she saw him blink behind the lenses of his glasses. He hadn't expected that.

She noticed that he'd found time to shave. She loved the smell of his skin in the morning, and she yearned to bury her face in his neck.

"All right," he said slowly.

In a fit of sadomasochism she laid down her toothbrush and cupped her belly. "Except this one. We agree. As soon as this one's born, it's all mine."

For the first time he couldn't meet her eyes. "I'm – I shouldn't have said that."

"Apology not accepted." She spat in the sink and rinsed. "I think I'll take back my maiden name – for me and for the baby."

"You hate your maiden name."

"You're right. Vastermeen is a terrible name." He followed her from the bathroom to the bedroom, giving her a chance to devastate him as he'd devastated her. "I'll go back to Gage. I always liked the sound of Tracy Gage." She shoved a suitcase out of her way. "I hope the baby's a boy so I can name him Jake. Jake Gage. You can't get much stronger than that."

"Like hell."

She'd finally managed to pierce his wall of indifference, but the fact that she was hurting him didn't give her satisfaction. Instead, she felt like crying. "What difference does it make? This is the baby you don't want, remember?"

"Just because I'm not happy about this pregnancy doesn't mean I won't accept the baby."

"Am I supposed to be grateful?"

"I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. Damn it, Tracy, you're always accusing me of being out of touch with my emotions, but the only emotions you want me in touch with are the ones you like." She thought he was finally going to lose a little of that self-control, but then he reverted to the cool, unemotional tone that drove her wild. "I didn't want Connor either, but now I can't imagine life without him. Logic says I'll feel the same way about the new one."

"And thank God for logic." She snatched her swimsuit from a pile on the floor.

"Stop being so childish. The real reason you're upset is that you haven't been getting enough attention, and God knows you like attention."

"Go to hell."

"You knew before we leftConnecticutthat I'd be working most of the time."

"But you neglected to mention that you'd also be screwing around on me."

"I wasn't screwing around."

The overly patient note in his voice set her teeth on edge. "Did you explain that to your little hottie at the restaurant?"

"Tracy..."

"I saw you with her! The two of you cuddled up in that corner booth. She was kissing you!"

He had the gall to look annoyed. "Why didn't you come rescue me instead of leaving me with her? You know I'm not good in awkward social situations."

"Oh, yeah...it looked real awkward." She grabbed her sandals.

"Come off it,Tracy. Your drama-queen routine's getting old. She's the new VP for Worldbridge, and she drinks way too much."

"Lucky you."

"Stop being a spoiled brat. You know I'm the last man on earth who'd have an affair, but you had to invent a Greek tragedy out of a drunken woman's slobbering because you've been feeling neglected."

"Yeah, that's right. I'm just having a little sulk here." Somehow it had been easier to deal with the idea of infidelity than his devastating emotional abandonment, but she'd probably known all along he hadn't been having an affair. "The truth is, Harry, you started freezing me out months before we left home. The truth is, Harry...you've bailed out on our marriage, and you've bailed out on me."

She wanted him to deny it, but he didn't. "You're the one who left, and you're not turning this on me. And where did you go running? Right to your party-boy ex-husband."

Tracy's relationship with Ren was Harry's only insecurity. For twelve years he'd dodged meeting him, and he got frosty when she talked to him on the phone. It was so unlike him.

"I ran to Ren because I knew I could count on him."

"Is that so? Well, he didn't look like he was all that happy to see you."

"You couldn't understand what Ren Gage is feeling in a million years."

She finally had him at a disadvantage, so he naturally decided to change the subject.

"You're the one who insisted I take the job inZurich. And you also insisted on coming with me."

"Because I knew how much it meant to you, and I wasn't going to have it thrown back in my face that I'd sabotaged your career because I got pregnant again."

"When have I ever thrown anything back at you?"

Never. He could have blasted her with a long list of grievances from the early days of their marriage, when she was still figuring out how to love someone, but he'd never done it. Until she'd gotten pregnant with Connor, he'd always been so patient with her. She desperately wanted that patience back. Patience, reassurance, and, most of all, the love she'd always thought was unconditional.

"That's right," she said bitterly. "I'm the one who holds grudges. You're perfect, which is why it's a shame you got stuck with such an imperfect wife." She threw her swimsuit over her shoulder, grabbed her cover-up, and fled to the bathroom. When she came out, he'd disappeared, but as she headed for the kitchen to check on the children, she heard him call out to Jeremy in the garden. They were playing catch.

Just for a moment she let herself pretend that everything was all right.

*

"You saw a what?"

"A ghost." Isabel took in Ren's sweat-soaked T-shirt. It was a deep navy, and it turned his eyes a particularly ominous shade of silver. She gazed at him for a moment too long before she began putting away the plates Marta had left on the drainboard after she'd come down from the villa to clean up. "Definitely a ghost. How can you run in this heat?"

"Because I got up too late to run when it was still cool. What kind of ghost?"

"The kind that throws pebbles at my window and runs around in the olive trees wearing a white sheet. I waved."