Authors: Kim Baldwin
She had to be imagining Bryson’s interest.
Had
to be. Bryson hadn’t said or done anything overt. Had she? Karla was out of practice when it came to reading clues that said a woman was interested in her.
“Her eyes were the first things I noticed, too.” Maggie reached for Karla’s hand. “Another tie that binds us.”
“Mom would’ve liked that. Where’s Lars?”
“I sent him to get some breakfast. Poor thing hasn’t eaten since yesterday morning, and I know he was up all night. He looked like he was ready to drop.”
“So, the big question. Do you have a name yet?” Bryson asked.
“Yes.” Maggie’s lips drew back in an enigmatic smile. She was obviously enjoying making them wait to hear the long-anticipated decision. “We’ve named her after the two women who kept both of us safe. We’re calling her Karson, with a K.”
“Karson? Hey, how cool is that? I’m honored.” Bryson looked over at Karla, who felt the same joy she saw on Bryson’s face.
“So am I. Thanks, Maggie.”
“Suits her,” Maggie said. “She’s a survivor, just like you two.”
“I’m so glad you and little Karson are okay,” Bryson said. “Has the doctor said anything about when you can both go home?”
Maggie shook her head. “He said five days at least, probably more. He wants to see how we do, and how fast I heal. And I’ll have to stay in bed a lot when I first get there.”
“Then lucky for you, you have a live-in nanny, cook, and health-care professional. I’m here as long as you need me,” Karla said. “I talked to the hospital and told them I probably won’t be back until after the first of the year.”
“You’re spending the holidays with us?” Maggie sat up so abruptly that she winced. “Damn.”
“Hey, there. Watch it.” Karla helped her lie back. “Be careful with that incision. Slow movements. And yes, you have me for Christmas. Please tell me you’re the deck-the-halls, singing-carols-nonstop types.”
“Hell, we live in Santa’s backyard. What do you think?” Maggie laughed. “You won’t find a house up here without mistletoe, spiked eggnog, the works. Hey, Bryson, you should get Chaz to loan you a team to take her up to Arrigetch Peaks.”
“Already thought of that. Just wasn’t sure Karla would be around long enough to get the snow for it.”
“What are you two talking about?”
“The Arrigetch Peaks are at the entrance to the Gates of the Arctic,” Maggie explained. “Unbelievably beautiful. Best way to get there is by dogsled.”
“Dogsled?” Much as she hated being cold, that did sound exciting, mushing up into the wilderness with Bryson. “I take it you’ve done that before?”
Bryson grinned. “Many, many times. I’m an alternate guide, if someone gets sick at the last minute.”
“No one better to take you into the backcountry,” Lars added from behind her. “You know, you two look worse than I do. Why don’t you head on home and get some rest? I’ll call with updates, and you can come back if there’s a need. Otherwise we’ll see you when Mags can go home.”
“Lars is right.” Maggie glared at them with playful sternness. “Go get some rest and have some fun. I don’t have the energy to deal with three hovering mother hens.”
“You’re sure?” Bryson asked.
“No arguments. Don’t make me mad.” Maggie was grinning when she said it, and she reached out for farewell hugs from them.
“Think you’ll be going back to the cabin?” Lars dug into the pocket of his jeans and extracted a key ring.
“I don’t know. I hadn’t really given it much thought,” Karla admitted.
“Take this in case you do.” Lars held out the keys. “The cabin isn’t locked, but the shed is, and there are keys for the skiff, ATV, and snowmachine. You know where everything else is.”
“Okay.” Karla zipped the keys into the pocket of her coat. “Hopefully it’ll only be for a few days.”
“Better view sitting up here, don’t you think?” Bryson said as they strapped themselves into Skeeter’s Cessna, Karla beside her in the copilot’s seat. “Is it getting any easier for you?”
“I wouldn’t say that.” Karla was careful to keep her hands clear of the dual steering wheel and control panel, afraid she might accidentally hit something that would create problems for them in the air.
“Wish I could do or say something to help you enjoy this as much as I do.”
“It would take an awful lot for that to happen.” Karla fell silent as Bryson got on the radio and readied for takeoff. A few minutes later, the floatplane was skimming along the water runway. She was grateful for the Cessna’s powerful cabin heater because the weather had turned noticeably colder during their day in the hospital. The sun was out, but the temperature was still well below freezing.
“I meant it when I said you could stay with me. I’d be more than happy to have your company until Maggie gets home.”
Karla glanced over at Bryson. She probably would have readily accepted her offer just twenty-four hours ago. But realizing that Bryson might be interested in her had thrown her off-kilter, and she wanted some time alone to think. Had she imagined it? Was she so adrift because of recent events—especially Abby’s leaving—that she was merely longing for some kind of meaningful connection with another woman?
“I think I’ll go back to Lars and Maggie’s. At least for now.” She gazed out over the landscape below, struck yet again by the desolate endlessness of the Alaskan wilderness. She could see why so many who came here found themselves re-evaluating the choices they’d made. “I’ve spent so much time lately grieving or grasping for anything to keep me from thinking too hard about the future. I’m finally ready to face things. Try to figure out what I’m going to do next with my life.” The prospect scared the hell out of her, but the birth of her niece had inspired her to begin looking forward, not back.
“Sounds like quite a challenge. If you need someone to listen, you have my number. Hope you won’t hesitate to use it.”
“I appreciate the offer, Bryson.”
“Well, I promised Maggie and Lars I’d look after you. And I know what it feels like to lose a parent and find yourself at a crossroad.”
“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”
The rest of the trip they talked about more innocuous matters. The baby, Christmas in Alaska, the sorts of mundane things that Karla should remember since she was staying alone at the cabin. Karla knew that Bryson was being unusually chatty to keep her mind off the flight, and she was grateful. Before she realized it, they were descending toward Wild Lake.
“Should take right off again pretty quick, so I can get Skeeter’s plane back and still make it home before dark,” Bryson said as they splashed down. “Need anything before I go?”
“I’ll be fine.”
The plane drifted to a stop and Bryson cut the engine, then came around to help Karla out. They faced each other for a few seconds, the sudden tension between them so palpable Karla could feel herself beginning to blush. “Sure you don’t mind if I call you to come get me if being alone turns out to be a bad idea?”
Bryson grinned with that same sweet look of joy that gave her butterflies in Maggie’s room, and her voice was velvet soft when she replied. “I’d like nothing better. I very much hope you will.”
*
The next three days gave Karla a powerful demonstration of how quickly the weather in Alaska could change, and a glimpse of how the isolation of a long winter in the bush could do quite a number on someone’s psyche. The weather had kept her indoors and forced her to keep her promise to use the time to sort out things. Her life. Past, present, and future. What she’d done with it so far, and what dreams she had yet to fulfill.
Bryson had barely left when the snow began to fall, and it had been coming down steadily ever since. The thermometer now dipped into the single digits at night and rose to just below freezing during the short days, so the ground was frozen solid. Ice had begun to form at the shore of the lake, and every bit of snow that fell clung tenaciously to every surface, painting the world around the cabin a solid landscape of white.
The warm embrace she’d received into the Rasmussen household and sharing the best of her childhood memories with her sister had tempered her grief over her mother’s death. Other, happier recollections had begun to replace the haunting image of her mom in the coffin. And though the loss still overwhelmed her often, such moments were less frequent now and briefer.
And she’d begun to be able to think of Abby with a greater degree of detachment. Hours of picking their life apart, seeking answers to how she could have been so blindsided, had given her some insights on why their relationship had not been the unbreakable connection she’d considered it to be.
She accepted that they needed to share the responsibility for the breakup. It might have been Abby’s decision, but Karla had failed to see the warning signs, had become too complacent about the way they were living. Their life together had become so predictable that she assumed Abby would have no problem with the uncommon demands of her nursing job: her long hours, her frequent exhaustion, her preoccupation when she lost a patient.
Not that Abby had been blameless. She should have spoken up if she’d considered their communication lacking and their love life less than satisfying. Karla couldn’t read her mind. And from her viewpoint, it was unconscionable to begin an affair when they were living together and partnered in what they’d both agreed was a monogamous, long-term commitment. She was aware that couples sometimes drifted apart. She might have accepted that fact if Abby had been honest with her when she’d first felt the distance and inclination to stray.
But finding out that Abby kept pretending to love her even while she was sharing someone else’s bed was the part she couldn’t understand or bring herself to forgive.
Often when she’d been thinking about Abby, images of Bryson intruded, inviting comparisons between the two, and Abby always fell short. Bryson was generous and caring, while Abby was not only a liar but a manipulator. From the beginning, she’d used tears, charm, or anger to maneuver Karla into getting what she wanted, whether it was which movie they watched, their next vacation spot, or the type of dishes they would buy for their kitchen. And like a sheep, she had always demurred to Abby’s desires.
Abby had been all about herself and her own needs. She’d have hated Alaska with its lack of conveniences and isolation. And she cared nothing at all about wildlife or the out-of-doors, while it was clear that preserving and appreciating the environment was at Bryson’s core.
As the days passed, Bryson dominated her introspections more, but Karla couldn’t decide what she might do if Bryson was indeed as interested in her as she was in Bryson. What then? It was one thing to engage in some harmless fantasizing, and another thing altogether to contemplate acting on those desires. Could she trust someone enough again to open her heart? Especially someone she knew she’d be thousands of miles away from in just another few weeks?
The only way to find out was to take a leap of faith. Not something she would ordinarily do, but the one she’d made coming to Alaska had certainly been worth it.
A raging blizzard that morning, with high winds and snow so dense she could see only a few feet outside the window, had tapered off to flurries by early afternoon. Deciding to take advantage of the slight break in the weather, she went to the satellite phone to dial Bryson’s number. To her relief, the connection went through.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Bryson. It’s Karla.”
“Hey there! I was just about to call you. Everything okay?”
“Yes, everything’s fine.” Except perhaps the fact that she couldn’t stop thinking about Bryson. “Why were you going to call me?”
“I just heard from Lars. The baby’s been moved into their room. But Maggie’s blood pressure is still high, and she’s had some problems keeping down food, so they’re not releasing her for at least another few days.”
“That’s not uncommon.”
“Yeah, that’s what they told her and Lars. So what were you calling me about?”
“I…uh…” She gripped the phone tighter. Her mouth had suddenly gone dry. “I wondered whether the offer’s still open to come spend some time at your place. I’m getting a little tired of my own company.” And she wanted to find out what the hell was going on between them, if anything, but she wasn’t ready to admit that part.
“Sure.” The enthusiasm in Bryson’s voice reassured her. “Do you want me to try to borrow Skeeter’s plane again to come get you, or can you manage in the skiff?”
“I think I can get there fine. I’ve handled small boats before, and I watched Lars pretty closely.”
“If you’re sure. When do you think you’ll be heading out?”
“Oh, a half hour or so. I just need to do the dishes and throw a few things into a bag.”
“I’ll expect you here in an hour or so, then. Be sure to wear a life vest, and take it slow and easy. Visibility isn’t great, watch out for logs and rocks.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. See you soon.”
*
Karla began to have second thoughts not long after the skiff was under way. The flurries had thickened by the minute to another blowing blanket of thick, heavy snow, and in the dark of the overcast sky she couldn’t see more than a few yards in any direction. The lake was a breeze, but once she got to the river, danger was everywhere—logs, rocks, gravel bars, and fallen trees to avoid.