Breaking Skin (22 page)

L
angley bravely gets herself ready for school the next morning. She acts as if everything is normal and so do I.

I smile during breakfast because I don’t know what else to do. How many times can I reassure her? How many platitudes can she hear before she realizes I don’t know anything more than she does?

When she first woke up, she asked if I’d heard from her mother, and when I shook my head, she got up as if it didn’t matter. Langley thinks she needs to appear strong and hide all her hurt but I see it, and the pang in my chest makes me feel like it’s my fault.

My sister spent the first half of her life saving me and the second half resenting me for it. Sometimes I wish she hadn’t saved me. Then I wouldn’t feel so helpless watching her destroy herself. I wouldn’t feel responsible for her every perceived failure.

I’ve tried to talk to Renee about it, but she changes the subject so quickly it makes my head spin. She’d rather forget the past and pretend it has no bearing on the present. Since I’d rather forget it too, we both ignore the obvious and silently endure our own struggles. Except now she’s made her struggle mine, and I don’t know how she’ll feel when she comes home to find that I’ve won over both Langley and Cole. Somehow I don’t think she’ll be happy for me.

After I drop Langley off at school, I drive over to the dance studio. I’m supposed to teach Renee’s adult beginner ballet class this morning. Priscilla said I shouldn’t be too picky about technique since most of the students are doing this for fun and for the workout, which is perfect for me since my knee can’t take much more than a little light exercise.

I can walk on it, but it wouldn’t support me en pointe today. A few days of babying it and I expect it to be okay, or as okay as it ever is.

Images of Cole come to mind when I walk inside the dance studio. The way he burst in yesterday like my knight in shining armor when I collapsed to the floor. Thoughts of what happened between us later in the kitchen kept me awake most of the night. I’ll never look at Renee’s kitchen the same way.

Me too
, he said before he left when I couldn’t find my voice. What did he mean? I think he meant that he knows how I feel and he feels it too. But I find it hard to believe he thinks about me as much as I think about him. He has no idea how conflicted I am. He doesn’t understand what Renee and I have been through. I betrayed her once, and I can’t stomach the idea of hurting her again.

I swallow hard and shake off my thoughts. I won’t get through this class if I can’t stop thinking about Cole.

My phone rings in my bag as I walk into the dressing room. When I see Deedee’s name on the caller ID, I rush to answer. I’ve been trying to reach her since yesterday.

“You have to get your ass back here, Nikki.”

I sigh and sit down on the bench. “I know. I’m trying.”

“You don’t understand. Dennis is gone. He got axed yesterday.”

“What?”

“They hired Nadia to be our new choreographer.”

“Nadia Chernov?” She was Dennis’s co-choreographer two seasons ago until he had her fired. It was the board’s idea to hire her and he took it as a personal insult, but the dancers loved her. Dennis hated that too. “Why did they fire him?”

“Are you serious? Why didn’t they fire him a long time ago? I heard a new benefactor wanted to shake things up and Dennis was too old school. Nadia asked about you. She wants to talk to you.”

“Nadia wants to talk to me?” My first thought is that she wants to terminate my contract. But then I decide to think positively. Nadia isn’t Dennis. She’s the antithesis of him. “Should I call her?”

She hesitates. “I’d come up here if I were you. Can you get away for a few hours?”

I chew my lip and work out how long it would take to meet with Nadia and drive back and forth to San Francisco. It would be tight if I tried to do it while Langley was in school.

“I’d need to find a sitter.”

“Then do it,” she says, her tone urgent. “You need to be here.”

My eyes squeeze closed as worry twists me into knots. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Bring your niece with you if you have to.”

“I said I’ll see.” Everything is so up in the air, I don’t know what I’ll even say to Nadia. I have no idea when I can come back. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be short with you.”

“I get it. I just miss you, Nikki. You’re the first friend I made here. You work harder than anyone I know. You can’t lose your spot.”

“Thanks, Deedee. I miss you too. I’ll get there. I’ll figure it out.”

I stay on the bench in the dressing room as my mind spins at the news that Dennis is out and Nadia is in. She was like a mentor to me for the short time she was with the company. She always encouraged dancers to bring out the emotion of the dance while Dennis stifled it and rammed technique down our throats until we forgot the story behind the ballet we were performing. His approach made the whole thing so stiff and lifeless. Having Nadia as our choreographer excites me. It makes me want to get back to the company again.

As people begin to filter into the dressing room, I finish changing and walk down the hall to the studio. The teacher for the class before mine is still there, talking on her phone.

I want to introduce myself and ask her how well she knew Renee. Maybe Renee mentioned something that could be helpful if they spoke between classes.

I don’t hold out much hope, though. From what I can tell, since she moved back here, Renee hardly made any new personal connections at all, and she didn’t keep in touch with anyone from high school. She moved through this town like a ghost or a shadow, and it breaks my heart to think of her being so isolated from everything and everyone.

When it’s time for my class to start, the other teacher is still on her phone. She sees me waiting and mouths
sorry
before she walks out of the room, continuing with her conversation.

I debate following her as she disappears out the door. But I stay put when I look at the students gathering in front of me, women of all ages and sizes, eager to begin.

Langley looks out the window from the backseat as I pull out of the school parking lot. While she sits quietly, I wonder how I’m going to tell her that I hired a babysitter to pick her up after school tomorrow because I have to go to San Francisco for the day.

I found Lisa’s number in a drawer last week when I was going through Renee’s things. The word
sitter
was written beside her name. When I called this afternoon, she told me she was available to help out. But what will Langley think? Will she be afraid that I won’t come back?

I look at her face in the rearview mirror and second-guess my plan. Maybe I could take Langley with me to San Francisco. She might think of it as an adventure. It’s probably okay for her to miss one day of school. Deedee could stay with her for a bit if I manage to get some time with Nadia.

The more I think about it, the more I settle on the idea. A distraction and a change of scene may be good for Langley.

“Do you have any homework?” I ask as I pull into the driveway.

When she doesn’t answer, I turn to see her exhale against the window and then trace her finger through the condensation that forms the way she often does, the way I did as a kid too.

“Do you have homework, Langley?” I ask again.

“Just some practice math problems for a test tomorrow.” She opens the door and jumps out, dragging her heavy backpack behind her.

“You have a test tomorrow?” I ask as she follows me up the walkway. I can’t pull her out of school for the day if she has a test.

“Yup. I hate math,” she mutters as I unlock the front door. Then she taps me on the arm and focuses on something behind me. “There’s that weird guy with the jacket again.”

I glance over my shoulder. “What weird guy?”

“The one who stands in the woods across the street sometimes.”

Turning, I look toward the woods at the end of the cul-de-sac. “I don’t see anyone.”

“He walked back in again when I spotted him.”

“What’s weird about him?” I ask, wondering if I should be concerned.

“The fact that he just stands there and stares.”

My eyes narrow on Langley. “How often do you see him there?

She shrugs.

“Have you told your mother?”

“She knows. She’s seen him too.”

My gaze swings between the empty woods and Langley. “Why do you call him the guy with the jacket? Lots of people wear jackets.”

Langley walks inside and dumps her bag in the entryway. “Mom’s the one who calls him that. I guess there’s something weird about his jacket.”

“Why? What does it look like?”

“It’s green and old looking. It has a lot of pockets and some patches on the sleeves.”

The image that comes to mind as she describes it makes me uneasy. “Is it an army jacket?”

“What’s an army jacket?” She kicks off her sneakers and leaves them in the middle of the floor.

“Never mind.” I tell her what we’re having for dinner and she disappears upstairs.

Once she’s gone, I step outside and look over at the woods. It’s mostly thick pine trees. I don’t see anyone standing there now.

As I walk back in, I picture an army jacket I know well. My father wore one. He found it lying by a dumpster on his mail route. He brought it home and Mom washed it for him, and he wore it all the time after that. Whenever I picture him, he has that jacket on.

If the man from the woods had a similar jacket, I can see why Renee would mention it. I feel a chill as I lock the door behind me. My mother said my father was back when I went to see her. Is it possible Renee mentioned the man in the jacket to her? Did she twist that information into something ghoulish?

I startle when Langley jumps down the bottom two steps.

“I can’t do my math problems. Can you help me after dinner?” When I don’t reply, she asks, “Are you okay, Aunt Nikki?”

I blink and nod. “Sure, but math wasn’t my best subject.”

“That’s what Mom always says,” she mumbles before leaving the room.

Feeling foolish, I shake off my thoughts and wonder how bad I’ll look when I can’t do third-grade math.

I
don’t go to San Francisco the next day the way I’d hoped, and the anxiety of missing another day of rehearsal and not talking to Nadia makes me restless.

Renee doesn’t teach class on Wednesdays, so there’s nothing at the studio for me to do. After I take Langley to school and walk Siegfried, I decide to check in with Cole to see if his agent found anything out, but I’m sure he’d tell me if he had. I didn’t see or hear from him yesterday and after what happened between us on Monday, I’m worried he’s avoiding me or having regrets. Maybe after the things he said, he’s waiting to see what I’ll do.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I only know that I missed not seeing Cole yesterday. I missed it a lot.

When I walk around to the front of his house, it looks like Cole has company. Another SUV is parked next to his, and I wonder if I should interrupt or come back later. If someone’s here, I can just ask him if there’s any news and go. There’ll be no risk of awkwardness and no opportunity for him to say what we did in Renee’s kitchen was a mistake.

As I go to ring the bell, I hear raised voices from inside, Cole’s voice and then the slightly softer one of a woman. I can’t make out the words, but it sounds heated. I’m about to turn and leave when the door opens abruptly and a very pregnant woman nearly barrels into me.

“Nikki,” she says, surprised. It’s Cole’s sister, Lily.

A moment later, Cole appears behind her and the angry wrinkles in his face smooth out.

“I came to see Cole,” I say dumbly. Why else would I be standing in front of his door?

“Maybe you can talk some sense into him,” she says.

“Lily,” he says in a warning tone.

“Does she know? Did you tell her?”

I look between them with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

“Yes. I told her.”

Lily’s eyebrows lift in surprise. She gazes at me with renewed interest. “Did you also tell her what Celeste is up to?”

“Yes.” His response is clipped. “Don’t you have somewhere you have to be?”