Breaking Point (Drew Ashley 1) (40 page)

I fled from the flat, not sure if I was more angry, more shocked, or more hurt. To be quite honest, I might have preferred it if it had been Jazz.

***

The only way to describe how I felt was lost. I left my phone off all weekend, because I just couldn't speak to Kale. I didn't ever want to see him again. I didn't get it. If he was gay, why did he propose to me? Why ask me to marry him if he liked men?

Kale came to my house on Saturday. It must have been after his graduation. I told my mum and dad that I didn't want to see him, so they didn't let him in. They asked what was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them.

The image of Kale with Gordon Lamb was burned into my mind. I saw it whenever I closed my eyes. It replayed whenever I slept. And even when I was wide awake, I had constant flashbacks that tortured me and sickened me to my stomach.

I couldn't believe it. There had been no signs whatsoever. And if there had been, I'd missed them all. Kale had deceived me, and I could never forgive him. Maybe this was the reason Jazz had dumped him.

I'd planned to go back to work, but I called in sick on Monday. I couldn't go to work. Not in this state. I stayed in bed all morning, unable to do anything. I felt completely hopeless, like I'd reached my breaking point and was going to disappear in a puff of tortured vapour any minute from now.

My dad came to check on me from time to time, but he didn't ask what was wrong. He was a lot less intrusive than my mum was.

In the evening, I received a text from Harvey saying that he'd expected me to be at work today. I replied saying I'd be in tomorrow.

As my dad drove me and my mum to work the next morning, I looked out the window at all the rush hour hustle and bustle. The sun was out, but the world seemed grey nonetheless.

I struggled through the morning. I'd thought I'd be able to blank Kale and Gordon out with work, but I couldn't. I thought about them every single moment, unable to break free from the hold that Kale's infidelity had on me. Whenever I felt like I was going to cry, I went to the toilet.

I didn't have a lunch break because I had too much work to catch up on. But it was hard to work when I was constantly battling distressing mental images of Kale and Gordon.

I left work at four o' clock. It took forever to get to the stupid cottage by Tube. When I got in I saw that my mum and dad had a bottle of red wine chilling in the fridge. Wouldn't it be great to gain some sweet relief from reality?

My phone rang, interrupting my thoughts. It was Kale. I stared at the screen, wondering whether to answer. Was I ready to speak to him? I decided that I wasn't.

I shut the fridge and decided that I needed to get as far away from that bottle of wine as I possibly could. I went to my room.

Kale called constantly, and I ignored him constantly, unable to overcome what had happened. A whole week passed before I felt able to speak to him. He was still calling at least a dozen times a day so I waited for him to call, and then answered. "Hello?"

"Drew." Kale's voice sounded troubled. "Thank you for answering."

I was quiet, completely at a loss for what to say.

"I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me, but I just want to say that I'm so sorry."

I wiped tears from my eyes.

"Drew, please…I'm sorry."

This was one of those situations in which sorry just wasn't enough.

"Are you still there?" Kale asked.

"Yes." My voice was watery.

I heard Kale's sharp intake of breath. "Oh Drew, are you crying? Forgive me, please. I'm so sorry."

"Kale, I can try to forgive you," I said through my tears. "But you and I are over."

Kale was quiet.

"Can you just tell me why?" I asked. "Why did you ask me to marry you if you're gay?"

Kale sighed. "Is it worth explaining if it's over anyway?"

"I need to know."

"Why?"

I couldn't believe Kale had the cheek to be so blunt. I paused, wondering how to articulate what I wanted to say. In the end I just hung up. My head was hurting. I didn't answer his calls for the rest of the evening and I determined not to answer them ever again for as long as I lived.

That night I couldn't sleep. Insomnia was becoming a pretty regular thing for me. My life had been one terrible thing after another for months now. I was sick of it. I felt like running away.

I just wanted to live for God, live my life, and find love. Was that too much to ask? Shouldn't handing my life over to Jesus mean that my life was in safe hands? I felt like I'd handed it over to the devil and he was outdoing himself, making sure chaos reigned supreme. Maybe there was a Job thing going on here. Next I was going to get struck with boils from head to toe, and my family would tell me that there was no other option than to curse God and die.

I got out of bed and put on my laptop. Kale's 'I love you' DVD asked to be played. I closed the media player and removed the disc. I threw it across the room and it struck the wall, chipping off a piece of white paint.

I checked my email. I knew I'd have lots from Kale. I deleted them all without reading them.

My instant messenger popped up with a message from :
Drew? Are you online?

There was no getting away from this guy. I shut the dialogue box. It popped up again:
I love you.

What was Kale playing at? I closed it.

It popped up again:
I'm back home in Manchester at the moment. I took two weeks off work. If you want to talk I can come and see you as soon as I get back.

Two weeks? I couldn't wait that long. He either explained himself now or never.

An email came in from national rail. I opened it. Something about collecting my ticket to Manchester. I frowned. I didn't buy any train ticket.

The instant messenger popped up again:
I just sent you a train ticket to come and see me in Manchester so we can talk. Your train is Friday @ 11:53am. Will you come?

:
What's the point?

:
I love you and I'm not willing to let our relationship go just yet.
Come and see me, and I'll explain everything. If you don't want me after I explain, that's fine.

I didn't reply. I had emails from Jazz and Destiny. They'd sent them the day after the body in bed incident. They were both asking if I was okay. I sent them a joint reply.

:
So will you come?

I stared at Kale's IM. Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

:
Are you still there?

I finished emailing Jazz and Destiny then closed the laptop.

I went to bed, telling myself that Kale had wasted his money, and his time, buying me a ticket to Manchester. I wasn't going. Nothing that he had to say could excuse what he'd done.

However, when I woke up in the morning I'd changed my mind. If I could get Friday off work, I would go and see what he had to say for himself. I needed an explanation, and if he was offering one I was willing to hear it, no matter how ridiculous it might be.

***

Kale picked me up from Manchester Victoria train station at two in the afternoon on Friday. I hadn't anticipated just how much seeing him would hurt me. He opened the passenger door of his car for me. I opened the door to the back seat and got in.

Neither of us spoke as he drove. He pulled up outside a new build semi-detached house fifteen minutes later. "Is this your parents' house?" I asked him

"Yes."

"I don't want to meet them."

"They're at work."

I got out of the car and followed Kale into the house. I would have looked at the pictures on the walls and noticed the décor if my heart wasn't completely sick. As it stood, I couldn't wait to get this conversation done with and escape back to London. I watched Kale sit down on the sofa, anger building up within me.

"I guess you want us to get straight to the point," he said.

"That would be nice."

Kale's calm façade slipped a little. "Uh, well Drew. I never wanted to hurt you or anything."

"You've already told me that. Can you now tell me all the things you've been holding back from me since we met?"

"Okay." Kale leaned forward in his seat. "Sit down. Please."

I sat.

"I worked in a bank while I was doing my first degree at King's College, and I, uh, took some money."

"You stole money while you worked at the bank?"

Kale nodded guiltily. "It's before I was saved."

"You don't have to be saved to know not to steal. How much did you steal?"

"It was different amounts over a period of a few years. A group of us did it together." Kale paused to swallow. I noticed that his hands were a little unsteady. "I didn't dare put any of it in my account because I didn't want it getting tracked, so I was saving it all under my bed."

I listened, trying to be patient. Okay, this was terrible, and it was something he should have told me sooner, but right now I wanted to know about his closet homosexuality and why he had proposed to me. His past criminal activity could come later.

"My house was robbed one night while I was at a party," Kale continued. "And every last penny of the money was taken. Can you believe it? It so wasn't worth it. God used it to teach me a lesson. Judas never spent the thirty pieces of silver and Achan never wore the Babylonish garment."

"So…?" I prompted. I didn't come for a sermon, I came for an explanation.

"When I got saved I felt so guilty about it. In the end I told Jazz because I needed to tell someone. Jazz was like my salvation back then. I thought I was going to go out of my mind when she said that it was over between us unless I reported myself to the police."

"Where does Gordon fit in?"

"He worked at the bank too, and he knew what we'd done. He threatened to turn me in if I don't sleep with him. When I got saved, I thought I'd somehow get the strength to resist him, but nothing changed. Gordon is like a stronghold in my life. He dictates everything I do. Even that miserable church I go to, he makes me go. It's always 'do this or I'm reporting you.'" Kale's eyes hardened. "I've been his slave for three years, because I didn't want to go to prison. But I've been in God's prison all this time."

I was removed a tissue from my bag and blew my nose. "So, are you gay?"

"I'm not. You have to believe me, Drew."

I remembered the time I saw him and Gordon at The Cube. "You and him go out for meals together. Like a couple."

"I asked him to meet me that night because I wanted to speak to him about stopping all this. I wanted a public place so that he couldn't force me into doing something I didn't want to do."

I still didn't understand how Kale could sleep with Gordon if he wasn't gay. I couldn't sleep with a woman if I was paid. I just couldn't.

"You have to believe me, Drew. Nothing about Gordon or any other man turns me on. I like women, and I find you so attractive Drew, that it's a struggle sometimes to keep my mind pure. But fear has landed me where I am, and I have to admit that three years of Gordon have messed with my head."

I'd bet it had.

"This is the honest truth Drew," Kale said. "I want to say take it or leave it, but I hope you'll take it, and take me back."

"What about Gordon?"

"You walking in on us was the best thing that could have happened. I'm going to the police station to turn myself in as soon as I get back to London." Kale wiped tears from his eyes. "I've gone back to the Lord, and I don't care anymore. I'd rather go to jail than continue like this. God has taught me so much through this."

Some of my anger towards Kale turned to pity, but anger was still the overwhelming emotion.

"God knows what you do in secret," Kale was muttering, as tears that clung to his lashes dropped to his hands. "But unfortunately, the devil also knows and he'll capitalize on it." He wiped his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. "I love y—"

"Is that all?" I interrupted. I couldn't let him say those words. "Or is there anything else you still haven't told me?"

"That's all."

I removed my engagement ring and put it on the table. Kale shook his head, his blue eyes begging me not to do it. His expression reminded me of the vision I'd had of him running in the rain, pleading with me not to do something. Suddenly, I understood that vision. Travis had been running for his life, Kale had been running from his past. With the benefit of hindsight, it was all crystal clear.

"Don't," Kale said quietly.

I had to.

"Forgive me, Drew," he said, his voice breaking. I felt horrible, but I was too hurt and too confused to stay engaged to him.

"Let me know when you turn yourself in to the police," I said standing up. "Please call me a taxi. I'll wait for it outside."

I left the house. I had that desire to run away again. To just get away. I kicked a loose stone on Kale's driveway, thinking about Harvey, the man I'd turned down to be with Kale. Was it even possible to get a guy without baggage these days? Harvey had two kids and a mountain of emotional baggage, while Kale was being toyed with by a gay man. It was the stuff that bad soap operas were made of.