Braver (26 page)

“I left that life,” I said. “It’s not part of me anymore.”

Liam looked like I’d socked him in the stomach. “You — you never wanted to talk about your past,” he said.

“Because it’s the past,” I said. “Please, Liam. I love you. I’m not who I used to be.”

“Once a whore, always a whore,” Mike commented.

I pointed at him, breathing in and out through my nose, rage consuming me.

“He beat the shit out of me,” I said, staring daggers at Mike.

Liam sank into a chair, looking like he was going to be sick. “This can never come out,” he said. “This can never come out.” He kept repeating it and repeating it, like a broken record.

My mouth twisted. Was my fiancé not even going to defend me against his brother?

“Of course,” I said. “You have your business to think of. Excuse me. I forgot what’s important. Not love, no. Money. Your reputation.”

“What would you have me do?” Liam said. “If the tabloids got a hold of this — Christ, if the New York Times got a hold of this — the business would go under. No clients would trust me. I’d be ruined.”

“We’d be together,” I whispered. “That’s all that matters. We’d be together. Nothing else is as important as that. Be brave.”

Liam shook his head and dropped his face to his hands. “It’s no good,” he muttered.

I pressed my lips together, desperate not to cry one more tear even though my heart was breaking. How could the love of my life not want to take a chance? I was who I was because of my past. Why couldn’t he see that?

Casey stood up and took me by the hand. “You don’t have to do this,” she said. “We’re done here. You’re coming home with me.”

She was right, I knew. I was done here. There was no love for me in this house. No love for me from Liam. He couldn’t overcome my past even with the love we shared in the present. His reputation was too important to him.

I let myself be led to the door before Casey stopped.

“You know, I forgot something,” she said. “Wait for me just a moment.”

I watched her march back to the dining room and kick Mike in the balls. He collapsed with a high-pitched wheeze, clutching at his crotch.

“That’s what you get, your fucking asshole!” Casey roared, making me jump. “I had to clean up your handiwork, you son of a bitch! Cocoa was a goddamn mess after you got done with her!”

Liam and his parents stared at her in shock as she marched back to the door and took me by the hand.

“It was nice meeting you, Mr. and Mrs. Henry,” Casey said in a normal voice. “Liam, if I see you anywhere near Cocoa, you’ll get the same treatment as the sorry sack of shit you call your brother.”

Casey was a true friend, I realized, as we took a taxi back to her apartment. I was weeping too hard for public transportation. It had warmed my heart to see Mike go down after she’d kicked him, but I was shattered at Liam’s inability to continue loving me. What we had was real — as real as my past, but more powerful. At least, that’s what I thought.

Casey got me up to the apartment, dragging me along at points.

“It’s going to be okay,” she kept chanting.

She tucked me into her bed and laid beside me, stroking my hair as I sobbed. My well of tears seemed endless, my body wracked with unimaginable pain. Why did it hurt so much?

“You were brave enough to open yourself up to love,” Casey said. I didn’t realize I’d sobbed my thoughts aloud. “It’s hard to make yourself vulnerable because it hurts so badly when your heart is betrayed.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience,” I said, my voice shot from all the crying.

“Of course I am,” Casey said. “Everyone gets their heart broken at least once in their lifetime. You just have to keep on loving. You can’t stop. It’s impossible to stop. Humans are wired to fall in love. So one day, when you find the right guy — or girl, no judgment — you’re going to have to be brave again so you can love.”

“Liam is the right guy,” I said, starting to cry again. “I know he is. Why can’t he see?”

Casey shushed me, hugging me to her. She provided physical comfort, but no one could fill the hole in my heart.

I spent two whole days in bed, crying on and off, before Casey made me get up.

“That’s enough, now,” she said. “Life has to go on.”

I knew she was right, but I felt like I had to drag myself from minute to minute. I got ready to go to the strip club with Casey that night, but she shook her head.

“No one likes a sad stripper, honey,” she said. “I’ll let you know when you’re ready to start stripping again, if that’s what you want to do.”

I shrugged and settled on the couch to lose myself to the TV. The flickering images, the constant dialogue, just the buzz of the sound drowned out my thoughts. It was a mindless comfort, but it was all I had.

Casey got back in what seemed like minutes and picked up my phone, frowning.

“I’ve been texting you,” she said. “I got worried when you didn’t answer.”

“Didn’t you just leave?” I asked. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost three in the morning,” Casey said, cocking her head at me. “I’ve been gone for six hours.”

Six hours lost, I thought. Good.

“I wanted to know if you wanted takeout or something, but you never answered,” she said, tossing the phone at me. “That meant I picked up takeout, of course.”

She settled on the couch next to me and handed me a steaming box of noodles. Casey dug in while I picked at mine, scrolling through the text messages I’d missed.

Two were from Liam. I didn’t want to look at them, but my fingers opened them of their own accord.

“I need to talk to you,” the first one read.

“Cocoa, we have to talk,” was the second one.

A flashing indicator also told me I’d missed no less than five calls from him. I dropped the phone in my lap in surprise as it buzzed, his name and number illuminating the screen.

Casey was watching me. “It’s him calling, isn’t it?” she asked. She always made a conscious effort not to say “Liam.”

I nodded, looking at the screen until my phone stopped buzzing.

“Probably wants that ring back,” Casey said, pointing at my finger.

I hadn’t been able to bring myself to take it off. That would make everything too real.

“We should hock it,” Casey said. “Then go on vacation somewhere awesome.”

I tried to smile at her and failed. Both of us jumped when the door buzzer sounded.

Glancing down at my phone, I opened another message from Liam. “I’m outside,” it read. “Please talk to me.”

“It’s him,” I said.

“I’ll handle this,” Casey said, setting her takeout aside and stalking toward the door. She cleared her throat and pressed the speaker button. “State your business.”

“It’s me, Liam,” came the tinny response. “Can I speak to Cocoa, please?”

His voice was like a knife to my heart. I hadn’t realized I’d missed hearing it so much. It was so hard to sit there and listen. I had to resist several urges all at once — the urge to start crying again, the urge to bury my head in pillows to never hear that voice again, the urge to run down the seven flights of stairs to see him again.

“No, you cannot,” Casey said. “You’re a vile person, Liam. You broke her heart.”

There was silence from the speaker for a few moments, just the dull hiss of someone pressing the button and not having anything to say.

“I know I did,” he said. “And I’m sorry for it. I wanted her to know that. I wanted to tell her myself.”

“You can tell me, and maybe I’ll think about letting her know,” Casey said. “I told you to never come near her. Your balls are going to get flattened, rich boy.”

“It was a chance I had to take,” Liam said. “I need to talk to her, Casey.”

“If it’s about the ring, you’re out of luck,” she said. “We gave it to a bum a couple blocks from here. Made her pretty happy. Made Cocoa happier to be rid of it.”

“It’s not about the ring,” Liam said. “I don’t care about that. I just — can I just talk to Cocoa?”

“You lost those privileges when you refused to stand by her,” Casey said, her voice icy.

“Please,” Liam said, his voice breaking. “Please let me talk to her.”

“She’s not here,” Casey lied. “She’s out on a date. I fixed her up with someone from the strip joint — really nice guy. A lot better than you. She was excited about it.”

“As long as she’s happy,” Liam said, his voice dull even through the speaker. “That’s all I wanted to know. I won’t bother you anymore.”

“Stop!” I cried, jumping up from the couch. “Stop!”

The speaker remained quiet. I ripped the front door open and ran for the stairwell. Barefooted, I dashed down the steps, urging myself to go faster and faster. I was out of breath when I reached the bottom, but I still forced myself to sprint through the lobby. I had to find him. I had to talk to him. I had to tell him that I still — God, it hurt — that I still loved him.

I had to be brave enough to do so, even as my heart was hurting.

I spotted a lone figure walking down the sidewalk, almost going around the corner.

“Liam!” I cried, the scream ripped from my throat, echoing down the empty street and sidewalks. A lone dog barked a block away. “Liam!”

The figure stopped and turned. After half a heartbeat, it started walking back toward me. Of course it was Liam. I could spot that blond hair half the city away.

I started walking to him, forgetting my bare feet, not caring about the coldness of the concrete beneath them. He started jogging the moment I started sprinting again. He was so close to me, too close to believe. We stopped just short of each other.

“I wasn’t on a date,” I said, breathless from my hurrying. “And I didn’t give your ring to a bum. See? It’s here. I haven’t been able to take it off.”

“Is it stuck?” Liam asked, looking at the hand I was holding out.

“No,” I said, gulping. My hopeful, shattered heart beat inside of my chest. How could we live with such a thing inside us? Why wouldn’t we be expected to throw up walls around it, to protect it from hurt at all costs?

Now was the time to be brave, I knew. I had to be braver if I wanted to be with the man standing in front of me. And I did want to be with him, I knew, in spite of everything — in spite of the hurt, the pain, the rejection, everything. I loved him, and love overcame all.

“I haven’t been able to take it off,” I said, “because I didn’t want to. Because I love you.”

Liam took my hand. “I don’t want you to ever take it off,” he said, kissing my hand. “I love you. I’m so sorry about all of this. I don’t care about your past. You’re the woman I love. All I care about is spending the future with you.”

I threw my arms around him and he held me close. My heart was whole again.

Liam held me at arm’s length, drinking in the sight of me before crushing me to his body again.

“I haven’t been able to think of anything but you,” Liam said. “I don’t care whether the media finds out. I don’t care what they’d say if they do. I don’t care about money, or my business, or my reputation. All of it is ash without you. You make me brave enough to forget about all of it.”

“I was so horrified,” I said, crying again. “I never wanted you to find out about me like that. I just wanted to leave it behind. I didn’t want to mix our beautiful love with that dark place.”