Authors: George Carlin
A keet that takes care of you until the real keet arrives. lUSSljrOOt’ A rare female birth defect requiring the use of open-toed
shoes.
uEErnilu’The official disease of Milwaukee. COttOn bOllS’ The final stage of beer nuts.
cupational disability common among dairy farmers. f’.A seventeenth-century prosthetic device.
short sadomasochist.
DIStBt A small gun that can be hidden in your hat. IV-Attilathehon.
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bond and bond, and get closer and closer, until finally they’re just drunk enough to say, “You know, I really love these guys.” And that frightens them. So they must quickly add, “But I’m not a queer!”
See the dilemma? Now they have to go out of their way to prove to the world, to their buddies, and to themselves that they don’t harbor homoerotic feelings. And it’s only a short step from “I”m not a queer” to “In fact, I hate queers!” And another short step to “Let’s go kill some queers!” And what they really seek to kill is not the queer outside, it’s the queer inside they fear.
Gay bashers are repressed homosexuals attempting to deny the queer inside, but certain signals get past the screen. That’s why you see so many policemen with those precious little well-groomed mustaches. You’d see more of those same mustaches on athletes and military men, but those two groups are not allowed to express themselves freely. Military drones and many sheep-like athletes have dress codes and are forbidden to wear facial hair. The idea is to limit and reduce their individuality. These are men who have chosen to allow “the organization” to run their lives. That’s why athletes, police, and military men have that rigid unbending body language; they’re severely repressed. Guess what they’re repressing? And, hey, why do you think they call those police cars “cruisers”?
“in’SBEATTHEnWlTHQURPURSESr
The reason for most violence against gays is that heterosexual men are forced to prove that they, themselves, are not gay. It goes like this: Men in strong male subcultures like the police, the military, and sports (and a few other cesspools) bond very strongly. Hunting, fishing, and golfing friendships also produce this unnatural bonding. These guys
have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs, are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the rass> Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should
GEORGE CARLIN
also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, No Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It’s certainly worth a try. I’m convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.
When you drive through an entrance or exit lane that has one of those signs, Do Not Back Up—Severe Tire Damage, and you’re going in the correct direction, don’t you sort of worry about it anyway? That maybe they got it wrong? Or somebody turned the sign around? Or some guy on drugs installed the spikes? Or maybe you’re on drugs, and you think, Am I doing this right? Am I backing up? No, I seem to be going forward. Let’s see. Which way are the spikes pointing? Oh, I can’t see the spikes anymore. I guess I better back up a little.
Here’s a sign I don’t like: Authorized Personnel Only. Now, if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I am definitely not authorized. I wouldn’t even know where to go to get authorized. Can you do it by mail? Wouldn’t baptism sort of authorize you? It doesn’t matter; I go through the door anyway. If I get stopped, I say, “Well, I may not be authorized for this, but I am authorized for other things. And your sign doesn’t mention which things.”
I’ve got a terrific sign in front of my house that keeps intruders out: Retarded Pit Bull High on Angel Dust. No one’s come over the wall yet. Except a couple of retarded guys who were high on angel dust.
DO. TAKE. HAVE. 61VE
People used to take drugs, now they do drugs. Some people don’t do drugs, they do lunch. Instead of taking drugs, they take meetings. They used to have meetings. Now, instead of having meetings, they
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relationships. Some people who don’t do drugs but have a relationship will take a meeting while they do lunch.
People used to get sex, now they have sex. So far, they don’t do sex. Although they do say, “Let’s do it.” But if the sex is overly aggressive, we say the person was “taken.” I guess if one’s not giving, the other’s gonna take.
We take a lot of things. We take a lot of good things. We take time, we take heart, we take solace, medicine, advice; we take a job, take a break, take a vacation, a leave, a nap, a rest, a seat, we take a meal.
We take, take, take until we can’t take anymore. Maybe it’s because our inner nature is not primarily one of giving, but of taking. Even these things we take that should balance our lives and give us rest do not. We make work out of them. We do them aggressively; always in control. Take.
But when we give, we give a lot of bad things. We give trouble, heartache, sorrow, we give someone a hard time, a migraine, give ‘em a heart attack, and give ‘em a big pain in the ass.
So I say, “Give up, get fucked, take a hike, and have fun.”
YOU’RE A HATURAl
This is for health food fiends, the natural-fabrics gang, and all those green-head environmental hustlers who stomp around in the “natural”: Your key word is meaningless. Everything is natural. Everything in the universe is a part of nature. Polyester, pesticides, oil slicks, and whoopee cushions. Nature is not just trees and flowers. It’s eveiything. Human beings are part of nature. And if a human being invents something, that’s part of nature, too. Like the whoopee cushion. -> r
C A R L I N
GEORGE
Also: The experience called “natural childbirth” is not natural at all. It is freaky and bizarre. It is distinctly unnatural for a person to invite and welcome pain. Whose influence am I sensing here? Men’s? It’s nothing more than childbirth machisma. The woman wants it said of her that she can “take it like a man.”
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Or imagine the very first guy who threw up. What did he think? What did he say to his friends? “Hey, Vinny, c’mere! Remember that yak we ate? Look!”
unrccESSAKr WORDS
Sometimes on television they tell you a product is “good for headaches.” I don’t want something that’s good for headaches. I want something that’s bad for headaches. And good for me.
THROW TOUR BACK OUT
Several months ago, a friend told me that when he was cleaning his garage he threw his back out. I told him it was probably overenthusi-asm. Sometimes when you’re cleaning, you get carried away and throw out something you intended to keep. The next time I ran into him he seemed to have learned his lesson. He had recently cleaned out his attic, but this time he didn’t throw his back out. He gave it to Goodwill.
riRST THinOS FIRST
Many things we take for granted must have sounded unusual the first time they were proposed. For instance, imagine trying to explain to someone, for the first time, that you thought giving him an enema would be a real good idea. You’d have to proceed very subtly. “Hey, Joey! I got a new idea. Turn around.” “New id-? Hey, what’s that thing in your hand?” “Nothing. Oh! I dropped my keys. Would you mind pickin’ ‘emup?”
There is a tendency these days to
prison setting peace process intensity level belief system seating area sting operation evacuation process rehabilitation process facial area daily basis blue in color
risk factor crisis situation leadership role learning process rain event confidence level healing process standoff situation shooting incident planning process
complicate speech by adding unnecessary words. The following phrases all contain at least one word too many.
emergency situation
shower activity
surgical procedure
boarding process
flotation device
hospital environment
fear factor
free of charge
knowledge base
forest setting :
beverage items
The best known example of this problem is: “At that point in time.” I’ve even heard people say, “At that particular point in time.” Boy, that’s pinning it down, isn’t it?
This typing process is beginning to tire out my finger area. Not to mention what it’s doing to my mind situation. I think it’s time to consider the break factor here, before I have a fatigue incident.
GEORGE CARLIN
b r a
d r o p p i n g s
SHORT TAKES [Part 1)
he wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
lust what exactly is the “old dipsy doodle”?
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
Sties arc caused by matching your dog shit.
SONETinES A LITTLE BRA1H DAHAGE CAH HELP
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, “Oh, great. I’d like to see some of the things he’s done.”
Euentually there mill come a time when eueryone is in a band.
Weyerhauser, a company that makes its money by cutting down trees, calls itself “The tree-growing company.”
If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
llot only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about
it if I did. … ;.<.,..ii ,,,, .,.„;.> …. y , . ,,.. ,,, ,.. , ..
H likely is it that all the people who are described as missing are living together in a small town somewhere?
We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that.
I
f lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they’re still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it’s OK. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells: “Happy,” “Baby Doll,” “Junior.” I defy anyone to drop a living thing called “Happy” in rapidly boiling water.
The nicest thing about anything is not knowing what it is.
I feel sorry for homeless gay people; they have no closet to come out of. In fact, I imagine if you were gay and homeless, you’d probably be glad just Xohave a closet.
I’ve adopted a new lifestyle that doesn’t require my presence. In fact, if I don’t want to, I don’t have to get out of bed at all, and I still get credit for a full day.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
I can’t bear to go to the children’s zoo. I always wonder how their parents can allow them to be kept in those little cages.
If you take the corn off the cob, not only do you have corn-off-the-cob, you also have cobs-out-from-inside-the-corn.
; E 0 R C E CARLIN
brain d r o p p i n g s
Why do foreign soldiers march funny? Do they think we march funny? If we do, how would we know?
If you moil a letter to the post office, mho deltas it?
n the fritz” is a useful expression only if you’re talking about a home appliance. You wouldn’t say, “The Space Shuttle is on the fritz.” You’d never hear it in a hospital. “Doctor, the heart-lung machine is on the fritz.”
Rarely does Q loose woman houe a tight pussy.
Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-f. I see the glass as too big.
lly uncle thought he would clean up in dirt farming, but prices fell, and he took a real bath. Eventually, he washed his hands of the whole thing.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
lest of metal: Will of Iron, nerues of steel, heart of gold, balls of brass.
WHITE FEOfLE FUCKED UP THE BLUES
If you loue someooe, set them free: if they come home, set them on fire.
I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
Whenever I see a large crowd, I always wonder what was the most disgusting thing any one of them ever did.
I think they ought to let guys like Jeffrey Dahmer off with a warning. They do
+ with speeding tickets. Sometimes all a guy needs is a good talking to. Why
don’t they say, “Listen, Jeff. Knock it off! Nobody thinks you’re funny. Eat
one more guy and we’re comin’after ya.”
b
ey kids! It’s mostly bullshit and garbage, and none of the stuff they tell you is true. And when your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he means make a lot of money. How do you think the word amount got in there?
Those nicotine patches seem to work pretty well, but I understand it’s kind of hard to keep’em lit.
?
n El Salvador, they declared a cease fire after ten years. Why didn’t they think of that at the beginning? Anyway, the best thing about El Salvador is that they killed a lot of religious people. How often do you get 10 percent of the body count in clergy?
At one point in my haste to improve myself, I mixed up the telephone numbers of the Shick Center for the Control of Smoking and the Evelyn Woods Speed Reading School. As a result, I can now smoke up to 300 cigarettes a minute, but I gave up reading.
freschool teacher”: If it’s not a school, why do they need a teacher? Don’t they need a “preteacher”?
Most people ore not particularly good at anything.
EORCE CARLIN
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1
ow can someone be “armed with a handgun”? Shouldn’t he be armed with an “armgun”? Can a handgun really be a sidearm? And shouldn’t a hand grenade be an arm grenade? You don’t throw it with your hand, you throw it with your arm.
Try Explaining Hitler to a kid.
I rnoossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses.
As he ayes, Mickey Rooney gets euen shorter.
e
levators and escalators do more than elevate and escalate. They also lower. The names tell only half the story.
do one euer refers to “half o month1.’
FUCK Alison
fhy; do we turn lights “out” when we turn most other things “off”?
Don’t you get discouraged each morning when you wake up and realize you have to wash again?
Kou show me the people who control the money, the land, and the weapons, and I’ll show you the people in charge.
Iforking-class people “look for work.” Middle-class people “try to get a ob.” Upper-middle-class people “seek employment.”
.an you have just one antic? How about a lone shenanigan? A mon-ceyshine?
mere are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one knows how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.
Ihose who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the
music. ??,???’
THERE Will BE HO HORE PAPER TOWELS AFTER JULY
‘m not going to apologize for this, but I have my own personal psychic. He doesn’t predict the future, and he can’t tell you much about your past. But he does a really fantastic job of describing the present. For instance, he can tell you exactly what you’re wearing, but he can’t do it over the phone.
We’re all amateurs; it’s just that some of us are more professional about it than others.
When the going gets tough, the tough get fucked.
I was expelled from cooking school, and it left a bad taste in my
mouth. ‘,
GEORGE CARLIN
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ast year, in Los Angeles, a robber threatened a store owner with syringe that he claimed had HIV on it, saying “Give me the money or I’ll give you AIDS.” You know what I would’ve told him? “If you give me AIDS I’m gonna find your wife and daughter and fuck them.”
I think me should attack Russia now. They’d neuer expect it.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
What is the plural of “a hell of a guyTllls of guys”?
Ihe phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
I neuer eat sushi. I haue trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
When you find existing time on a parking meter, you should be able to add it to the end of your life. Minus the time you spent on hold.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. 1 felt better right away.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you con goddamn sure blow it up.
J
ust think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
JESUS WAS A
[ROSS-DRESSER
76
I p n0 ax to grind, but 1 do have an ivory letter opener that could use sharpening.
eminists want to ban pornography on the grounds that it encourages violence against women. The Japanese consume far more violent and depraved pornography than we do, and yet there is almost no rape reported there. A woman is twenty times more in danger of being raped in the U.S. than she is in Japan. Why? Because Japanese people are decent, civilized, and intelligent.
The only good thing euer to come out of religion mas the music.
I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
Do kings haue suieat bands in their crowns?
When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
There ought to be at least one round state.
f
or a long time it was all right for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive.
In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.
A courtesy bus driuer once told me to go fuck myself.
C A R L I N
GEORGE
ometimes the label on the can says “fancy peas.” Then, you get ‘em home and they’re really rather ordinary. Nothing fancy about ‘ern at all. Maybe if they had little bullfight paintings on them, they would be fancy. But as it is…
SLAP A
DEAD mil
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Cventually, nature will produce a species that can play the piano better than
we can.
1 don’t think me really gaue barbarism a fair try.
fiano lessons sound like something a piano should take. Humans should take piano-playing lessons.
Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife swept in in a fury and left in a daze, then left in a dither and returned in a whirl.
If you go to a bone bonk, uihy can’t you make a calcium deposit?
g
et down!” is a slang expression that would have been really useful in World War II. If soldiers had known this expression at the time, a lot of lives could have been saved.
WHY [AM THERE BE flORE SUFFERING?
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There are no times that don’t haue moments like these.
ince 1983, ™°re ^an thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the price of stamps keeps changing. There’s a lot of pressure. “How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine? Thirty-two? I can’t keep track! Fuck it!” BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
On Opening Day, the President doesn’t throw out the first ball. He throws it in If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it.
Where does the dentist go uihen he leaues you alone?
Why are there never any really good-looking women on long distance
buses?
I almost don’t feel the may I do.
e’re not satisfied with forcing Russia to destroy its nuclear weapons and recant its ideology. Now we’re really going to get even: we’re sending experts to show them how to run their economy. Am I missing something? A country with a five-trillion-dollar debt is giving advice on handling money?
only
‘took him to the cleaners.” Whenever I hear that I wonder if that was the errand he had to run. Maybe she also took him to the adult bookstore.
I)
I go to bed early, fly fauorite dream comes on at nine.
est seller” really only means “good seller.” There can only be one best seller. All the rest are good sellers. Each succeeding book on the list is a “better seller.”.
GEORGE C A R L I N
I here should be some things we don’t name, just so we can sit around all day and wonder what they are.
Everything is still the same. It’s just a little different noui.
Ihe symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife—because the music hadn’t been beautiful enough.
lou know why I stopped eating processed foods? 1 began to picture the people who might be processing them.
Whenever I see a large crowd I always think of all the dry cleaning they have out.
I
didn’t wash today. I wasn’t dirty. If I’m not dirty, I don’t wash. Some weeks I don’t have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
When you buy a six-foot dildo, and call it a marital aid, you are stretching not just the anatomy, but the limits of credibility.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Ihe child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work.
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HINCS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR: “Jeff? We’re going to have to break your skull again and reset it. Okay? It’s way out of line. It looks really strange. But we won’t do it until we’ve opened up that incision and put some more fire ants inside of you. OK?”
In Panama, during the election that defeated Noriega, there were “dignity battalions” that wandered the streets beating and robbing and killing people.
omeone said to me, “Make yourself a sandwich.” Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn’t make myself a sandwich. I’d make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire.
Why would anyone want to use a flood light? I should think lights would be kind of dangerous during a flood. Better just to sit in the dark and wait for help.
There are nights mhen the uiolues are silent, and only the moon howls.
Ihe nicest thing about a plane crashing at an air show is that they always have good video of the actual crash.
How come none of these boxers seem to hove a losing record?
“here ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.
GEORGE CARLIN
If me could just find out mho’s In charge, UIE could kill l%
Whenever I hear that someone works in his shirtsleeves, I always wonder what he did with the rest of the shirt.
It is impossible to dry one hand.
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception js being carried out.
I
saw an old woman who I thought was looking on the ground for a contact lens. As I drew closer, I realized she was actually all hunched over from osteoporosis.
OERHS LIVE in BY HAT