Boo Hiss (13 page)

“I knew you were,” Lois smiled back. “You have a good sense of humor.”

“Thanks. I don’t get to use it a lot. Mayor Wullisworth, well, let’s just say he doesn’t do humor. Or irony. Or sarcasm.”

“You’ve worked for him a long time.”

“Yes.”

“So what’s his take on this snake problem? Anything happening?”

“He’s afraid of snakes, so I’m handling it. But there’s not much to handle. We sort of just have to keep everyone calm until the snake shows back up.”

Suddenly, there was a strange noise coming from his breast pocket. He looked as shocked as Lois felt. “Oh!” he said suddenly. He reached in and pulled out a cell phone. He looked at it and said, “Excuse me. It’s the mayor.” He rose from the table and walked to the corner of the restaurant. He was gone for about a minute, then returned. “Sorry,” he
said, sliding the phone back into his blazer. “I’m pretty new to this cellphone thing. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing, when I should answer it, et cetera.” He cleared his throat. “The mayor thought I should have one, so he could track me down anytime he wanted, as if he doesn’t already do that.”

“Is everything okay?”

Martin looked a little worried. “Everything’s fine. Nothing that can’t wait until later tonight when we’re finished.”

“Martin, if you need to go, I understand.”

He looked up at her. “No. I want to stay. I’m really enjoying the evening.” “Me too.”

And then his cell phone rang again.

“You should answer it.”

Martin pulled it out of his pocket, hesitated, then answered it. “Yes? Uh-huh … uh-huh … but can’t this wait? … But sir … uh-huh … okay. Good-bye.” He shut his phone and stared at his plate.

“Are you okay?” Lois asked.

“Yeah. But we’d better eat fast. The mayor needs me.”

The foot massage that Ainsley had ordered from Jack Hass had worked. But unfortunately Jack seemed to get sick right there in front of them, so Ainsley sent him home. Melb was practically drooling when Ainsley walked in with the plate of cooked peas and carrots. Melb turned, looked at the plate, and sat up a little. “Who is that for?”

“Dr. Hoover said you have to eat well.”

Melb stared at the steaming vegetables. “What is that?”

“Peas and carrots.”

“I’m going to gag.”

“Melb, if you’re ever going to feel better, you’re going to have to rest and eat right.”

“But peas and carrots? Why can’t we start off with something a little less intimidating, like a cheese steak?”

“I promise, it won’t kill you.”

“At least tell me you put butter on them.”

“No butter.”

Melb sighed and laid back down. “I think I’d rather be dead.”

Ainsley pulled up a chair next to the couch. “Look, I’ll make you a deal. If you eat this plate of carrots and peas, I’ll let you have a cookie.”

“A cookie? What kind?” “I’ve got chocolate chip and oatmeal.”

Melb’s face lit up. But as soon as she looked at the plate, her enthusiasm wilted. She was shaking her head vigorously.

“C’mon,” Ainsley moaned. “It’s just one plateful. You can do it.”

“I can’t.”

“Then no cookie.”

Melb sighed loudly. Ainsley heard Wolfe walk in the front door.

“You think about it, and I’ll be right back,” Ainsley said. Taking the plate back to the kitchen, she met Wolfe as he was putting his coat up “Hi.”

“Hi,” he said, embracing her. “How was your day?”

“Dramatic. How was yours?”

“Dull.”

“We make a good couple.”

“Do I hear moaning?”

“Long story,” she said, bringing him into the kitchen. “I’m trying to feed Melb carrots and peas.”

Wolfe raised an eyebrow. “Melb can’t feed herself?”

She whispered, “Not if it’s a vegetable, apparently. She passed out today at the grocery store, and Dr. Hoover has ordered her on no stress. I told Oliver I would look after her because he’s got some big thing going at the car lot.”

“Why are you whispering?”

“She has to maintain a stress-free environment. Can you go turn up the heat?”

“Why?”

“She might get cold.”

“It’s a perfectly normal temperature in here.”

“But she’s been lying down all day. That can make a person cold.”

“Ainsley, Melb is fine. Fuss over her a little bit, make her comfortable, but then let her be.”

Ainsley felt tears rush to her eyes. “You don’t understand.”

“Understand what?”

“I feel responsible.” Ainsley wiped at her face. “You didn’t cause this.” Wolfe turned her toward him.

“You understand that, right?”

“I’ve got to go feed her these vegetables.”

Wolfe stopped her. “Why don’t you let me?”

She couldn’t hold in a laugh. “You?”

“What? I’m just going to take the plate in to her.”

“It’s a little more complicated than that.”

“Why?”

“You think you’re just going to march in there and give her the peas and carrots, and she’s going to eat them?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I can tell you that she’s not.”

“So what? I’ll just leave the plate there. If she gets hungry, she’ll eat it.”

“You’re just going to let her starve to death?”

Wolfe was chuckling, the kind of chuckle that comes out when you think you’re talking to someone who might have gone insane.

Ainsley grabbed the plate off the counter. “You just don’t understand. I’ll do it. And please, go turn up the heat!”

Alfred gave Doris a short wave as she looked up from her kitchen table and observed Alfred on the phone.
Just another minute
, he mouthed to her. Doris was currently working on a fourth draft of her manuscript. Alfred had done his research, and he knew the top religious publishers to send it to. He’d strike gold with all three of them, and then it was going to be a matter of dollars and cents.

But his ambitions didn’t stop there. He’d learned a lot in that one-day conference. More than he would’ve liked to, at least a few months ago. However, he was beginning to see that this religious thing Wolfe had gotten himself involved in was quite profitable—the only problem being that his most profitable religiously turned writer wasn’t writing. And he didn’t want to put all his eggs in one Doris Buford basket.

Alfred Tennison had not risen to the top of the industry by watching the literary world pass him by. No, indeed.

“Alfred?”

“I’m here, Geoffery.”

“Sorry to keep you waiting. You know how it is.”

“Of course.”

“Back to your question. No, none of these guys are on my client list. I’ve never heard of any of them.”

Alfred smiled, expecting the superior tone in his voice. “I know.
They’re a well-kept secret. But they continue to make the bestsellers list week after week.”

“What bestsellers list?”

“Let’s just say that I’ve found the pot at the end of the rainbow.”

“I wasn’t aware you’d turned to drugs.”

“Pot of gold, Geoffery.”

A moment of silence passed. He figured Geoffery was snickering into his shoulder. Geoffery was a snickerer. Everyone knew it. At parties, he spent half his time with his mouth buried in his shoulder.

But Alfred took the high road. That’s what people on his side of the aisle did. Took the high road. Just like Ellie Sherman. So he waited.

“A pot of gold, eh, Alfred? Last I heard you were bunked with an old college roommate in Queens.”

“I’m doing a lot of traveling.”

“Huh. I haven’t seen you at any parties lately.”

“I don’t party anymore.” Alfred squeezed his eyes shut. Goodness, he was becoming Wolfe’s “mini me.”

More snickering. Alfred felt his chest constrict, holding back the words that wanted to climb out of the bile in his stomach. This was harder than it looked.

“I’ll have you know,” Alfred inserted into the snickering, “that before the month is over, I’m going to acquire a client list worth over fifty million dollars.”

“Interesting.”

“But thank you for your time, Geoffery. Always nice to talk with you.

“Keep in touch, Alfred.”

The line went dead. Alfred turned to Doris. “How’s that scene coming along?”

Doris shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve severed his arm, there’s blood all over the floor, and I’m trying to think of something clever for him to say.”

Alfred nodded. “Excellent. But I don’t think we’re going to get away with blood on the floor. Keep working on it.”

C
HAPTER
14

M
ARTIN TOOK THE MAYOR
by the arm and led him into the back hallway. “We need to talk.” Martin closed the door to the room where it seemed the entire town had gathered. It was one of their largest town meetings ever, at the noon hour at least.

“What is it?” the mayor asked. Martin noticed the mayor’s hands were shaking, and he was having trouble concentrating.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“What’s not?”

“What that man suggested. Leonard? Tarffeski? With the weird accent?”

“He’s from New Zealand.”

“First of all, if you put a snake hunter up in front of everyone, you’re going to invite hysteria. People are going to think this is a bigger problem than it really is.”

“This man assured me he’s an expert. He has a good game plan. And you’re the one that agreed to bring him here in the first place. The fact of the matter is that until this stupid snake is caught, our town is not going to sleep well. The sheriff’s office has reported more traffic accidents in the recent days than in our entire town’s history! Plus, if you haven’t noticed, everyone seems to be in a really bad mood.”

“But sir—”

“Martin, trust me. People feel empowered when they have knowledge
and a way to help themselves. This Leonard assures me they will have both.”

Martin rubbed his tired eyes. He wasn’t losing sleep over a snake, but he had enough on his mind as it was. “Sure,” he said with a faint smile. “You know best.”

The mayor slammed his hand into Martins back. “Now, let’s get this meeting going. We have a long agenda today.”

The murmuring hushed as the mayor bounded up to the podium. Martin stood a few feet away, eyeing Leonard.
Please don’t start a panic
, Martin prayed.

“Good afternoon, fellow Skary citizens!” Where was the mayor getting all this energy? “I’m thankful for the great turnout today. I know you all have a lot on your mind, so we’re going to get this meeting started. First of all, you may remember that the last time we gathered, there was some concern over the mysterious soccer field that seemed to emerge overnight. Well, the good news is that we’ve solved the mystery. I’d like to invite to the podium Mrs. Katelyn Downey. She and her husband are developers, and as you may have noticed, our little town does seem to be evolving.”

Martin watched a petite blonde make her way up next to the mayor. A tight baby blue silk suit hugged her small frame. Her purse and shoes matched.

“Katelyn,” the mayor said, “why don’t you address the citizens of Skary? Tell them a little bit about the vision that you shared with me.”

“I’d love to, Mayor Wullisworth.” She patted her hands together as she slid behind the podium. “Let’s hear it for our wonderful mayor!”

The crowd looked confused. Nobody had ever clapped for the mayor before, or been beckoned to do so. Martin led the way hastily, slapping his hands together like a trained seal. The rest of the crowd slowly followed, and then it all died down.

“Well,” Katelyn began, “thank you for that warm welcome. First of all, I’d like to tell you how absolutely in love we are with this beautiful town called Skary. We see so much potential.” She grinned at the entire crowd like everyone there was a personal friend. Martin spotted Lois near the back. He wanted to wave, but her concentration was on the woman up front. “You may have noticed a few wonderful changes around here. I’ve noticed you’ve taken to the cell-phone store. And just let me say, we had to pull a lot of strings to get the company to consider putting a tower up. But luckily for you, you’re near a major highway, so it was in their best interest.

“To answer the mayor’s question, yes, we built the soccer field. Our son, Willem, is a huge soccer fan, and one of the best male players in his preschool league. Sports, as you may know, is an important development tool for young children. It not only helps their motor skills, but what we’re finding is that it also helps their social skills as well.”

Martin studied the crowd. They looked like they were trying to decipher a foreign language.

“We’re just as delighted as we can be about how that coffeehouse has turned out. And we’ve noticed its patrons enjoying a few additional menu items.” She winked, her thick black eyelashes sticking together momentarily. “As you may have noticed, we’ve broken ground on our new home, and it will hopefully be ready in just a few short months. In the meantime, we’ll continue to invest in Skary, and bring about change in a way that will make this little town the It place of all X-burbs!”

She spread her arms, as if expecting applause. None came. But Martín could sense that something was about to. He hadn’t made it to the podium when the shouting began.

“Who do you think you are?”

“I love the new bookstore!”

“Coffee comes two ways, lady! Black and not black!”

“Cell phones cause brain cancer!”

“We can’t be bought with all the money in the world!”

“Oh yes we can!”

Chaos erupted. Martin flew up beside Mrs. Downey, but she didn’t look like she needed the help. Though a bit flustered, she tried to calm the crowd by inserting a few calming words.

“We’re not here to take over your town, just improve it,” she tried. The crowd never heard her.

“You shouldn’t be afraid of change. We’re changing you for the better.”

Again, no one heard her.

“We’re taking a huge gamble. Shouldn’t you be grateful?” she asked, this time with an annoyance in her tone. It was useless. Everyone had lost their mind.

“Excuse me,” Martin said to Mrs. Downey. “Let me try.”

Katelyn stepped aside, whispering, “These people are insane.”

“You have no idea,” Martin whispered back. He leaned toward the microphone. “People, please. Folks, really. We must calm down. We can talk about this in a civilized manner.” Nobody stopped shouting. Martin sighed, then said in a loud voice into the microphone, “If you don’t calm down, we can’t talk about the snake!”

Silence. Everyone took their seats again. Martin smiled. “Now, before that, we’re going to let Mrs. Downey finish what she had to say. She won’t be taking questions today, but we’ll have another meeting soon to address all your concerns.” Martin stepped aside and let Katelyn move back to the microphone.

“Thank you,” she said. “Listen, my friends. There is nothing to fear. Skary is going to become a dream town. It’s already got so many won-derful attributes. It’s warm and cozy. The people are friendly. Main Street is just a dream. And strangely, the entire town seems devoid of
rodents. That’s always a plus. Trust me when I say, Skary, Indiana, is going to be hot property very soon.”

Before anybody could shout, Martin slid up next to Mrs. Downey and said, “All right. Thank you, Mrs. Downey. Very intriguing. I, for one, have to say that I’ve really enjoyed the new bookstore. A bigger selection on easy-to-find aisles. And who doesn’t want their town to be known as ‘hot,’ right?” Martin grinned. Nobody grinned back. “All right, well, let’s get to the second reason we’re here today. As many of you know, we have a snake loose.”

Katelyn was walking off the stage and he heard her gasp. The rodent mystery was now solved for her.

“We are lucky enough today to have a snake expert with us.” He watched the mayor shake Leonard’s hand and point him toward the stage. “Leonard Tarffeski is a real-life snake hunter, folks. And he’s here to help us find Bob and Fred.” Martin forced a smile. The crowd seemed genuinely intrigued. All eyes were on Leonard as he stomped onto the stage. There was no doubt: he certainly had a presence about him.

He tipped his hat to the crowd. The ladies swooned. Martin tried not to roll his eyes but instead extended his hand to Leonard and gave him a polite nod. “Leonard, I’ll turn this over to you.”

“Thank you, Martin,” Leonard said in his distinct accent. Martin stepped aside, but not far enough away that he couldn’t jump behind the mike again if need be. “Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to my attention that you have a very rare and special kind of snake on the loose. I’d like to help you find it, so you all can sleep at night.”

Martin glanced at the crowd. They looked eager.

“So,” Leonard continued, “first of all, Bob and Fred is a rosy boa. Rosy boas are a small breed of boas. They only grow to about three to four feet long, so I can assure you nobody is going to be squeezed to death, though you might want to keep a close eye on your Chihuahuas
and Yorkies. Poodles are probably okay, but just to be safe, go ahead and cage all those smaller breeds for now.”

The crowd started to murmur, but Leonard held up steady and sure hands. “Let me finish, everyone.” The crowd quieted. “Dustin, the snake’s owner, tells me that Bob and Fred have become accustomed to living indoors, and that they enjoy soft, comfortable things such as pillows and blankets, even couch cushions. But knowing snakes like I do, I am more inclined to say that Bob and Fred are probably still quite timid, and if they’re going to appear, it will be at night, and only after they sense the house is quiet. So,” he said in a booming voice that indicated he was about to say something important, “I have a sure way of finding this snake. Everyone must listen carefully, though.”

The room grew completely silent. Even the heater kicked off.

“The first thing I want you to do is go and check under every appliance you have, behind every bookshelf, under every sofa. You want to find all the dark corners you can. Check your shoes, your boots, boxes, storage containers. Snakes like to feel as if they’re in a cave, so think like a snake. Where would you hide?”

“Behind the toilet!” one man offered.

“It was a rhetorical question, but thank you. Now, I’m expecting that most everyone has already done this.” Most of the crowd nodded.

“All right. Then we go to phase two, which is the absolute best way to catch a snake. This is what I want you to do this evening. First of all, while it’s still light outside, go around your house and plug any holes or gaps you have. Look around piping, in closets, near your air conditioner or heater, near appliances. And don’t let the smallness fool you. A snake can squeeze through a hole half it’s own diameter.”

Many people were taking notes.

“Once you’ve done that, then prepare your house. By that, I mean
make sure that your entire house is quiet. Don’t run the dishwasher. Turn off all your clocks. Don’t run a dryer. And if you have pets, go ahead and take them up to bed with you. You’ll want to also make sure your house is very dark. So you’re going to want to turn out even your night-lights, and draw your curtains.”

Martin grabbed a pen and paper so he could take notes.

“Now, once you’ve got your house dark and quiet, take a flashlight and a bag of flour. Carefully go through your house and place a line of flour across every doorway. Pay special attention to laundry rooms, pantries, and closets. If you’ve got a washer and dryer in a pantry room, you also might think about getting some plastic bags, like you would get from the grocery store, and stuffing a few behind them. Then sit very still. Wait thirty minutes. If you don’t hear any bags raiding, then you can go on upstairs. Sleep normally. Then, when you wake up in the morning, you’ll be able to see if the snake has come out to play during the night.”

Martin looked up from his notes. The crowd was silent. Yet, they didn’t look particularly scared, either. It was almost a look of … determination. Maybe the mayor was right. Maybe they felt empowered.

“So, let’s do this. If you find the snake’s tracks in your house through the flour, meet me tomorrow morning here, at the community center. We’ll be one step closer to catching Bob and Fred and putting all your minds at ease!”

Martin started clapping, because Leonard looked so desperate for it. A few followed. Martin shook his hand. “Thank you, Leonard. How completely fascinating. I would have never thought to do the flour trick.” He smiled. A few smiled back. Okay, it wasn’t mass hysteria. Martin looked at the mayor. “We’ve got one other thing on the agenda.”

The mayor stepped back onto the stage and said, “I’ll handle this one, Martin. Thank you.” He raised the mike and looked out at the
crowd. “Now folks, this won’t take long, but I need you to pay attention, because we’ve got a real problem. I was informed by the gas company, the electric company, and the water company this week that a vast majority of you are suddenly not paying your bills. When I looked further into this, I discovered that the problem seems to be with our cell phones. Now, I realize many of you got the shock of a lifetime when your first bill came. One resident told me her cell phone bill was nearly three hundred dollars.” A grumbling followed. The mayor held up his hands. “Now, now. Settle down. The solution to all this is that you absolutely must read your contract. You’re charged by the minute, and it also depends on what time of day you’re using your phone, and where in the town you’re actually standing. Apparently if you’re on the west side near Maple, you’re going to be charged a roaming fee as well. So folks, you’re going to have to pay attention to all this. And use some common sense. If you’re at home, and you need to call a neighbor, pick up your house phone and dial the four digits. You’ve saved yourself from dialing three additional numbers and about twenty bucks.”