Phan gave him that half-smile again. "That'll be fun. Bradford will tell him I'm doing what I'm supposed to but I'm not happy. Tobias will worry and talk to me and we'll leave it at that. There's really nothing can be done, Noah; I'm just sucking everyone into my problems. It's gotta stop."
"Stop?" Noah didn't like the sound of that.
"Well, yeah." Phan walked a few steps away and turned, starting to pace. "I mean, I can't keep sucking the life out of everyone, can I? You, Tobias... Bradford's done so much, I can't even really think about it. No one is happy, so aside from meeting with Dr. Brewer, I have to find another way, don't I? I can't just keep taking from everyone." He turned again and walked a few more steps, one hand pushing through his hair.
Maybe the idea that he needed to get up on his own feet was a good one. Whether or not he was actually ready to, the desire to do it couldn't be a bad thing. "Have you discussed this with Dr. Brewer?"
Phan made a face. "At the moment, we're going over some of the more colorful aspects of an addictive personality. It's a good thing she's in the scene -- she understands a lot of things that would be hell on wheels to explain. We're still dealing with my need to be punished for happiness, too."
Noah took Phan securely by the hand and tugged him back toward the couch. "Well, that's good, right? Dealing with the real issues. Maybe that's what's really got you feeling like this? It's a damn important sounding distinction."
Phan let himself be led, though he didn't immediately wrap himself around Noah like usual. "I don't want to hurt everyone," Phan said softly. "And I know I will if things keep going like this. God, do you have any idea how much pain I've already caused Tobias? And you -- I can see the ache in your eyes sometimes. You're torn, and I know it, and I don't want you to be. It's all very simple, if a few things are just taken as fact."
Noah nodded. He was torn, there wasn't any point in lying about it. "Which things, Phan?"
"The important ones, of course. You're Sir's submissive. You're Sir's lover and partner, and that's all that matters. He's happy, you're happy, and it's the way it should be." Phan met his eyes and grinned. "I can't tell you how cute you two are -- it's fabulous to see you both so happy."
"Seems like that makes things more complicated for you, though, not simpler." Noah said softly.
"Not really," Phan insisted. "I want him happy. He is. Noah, we weren't good together --we didn't have balance, you know? Doesn't mean I didn't love him; I just couldn't be what he needed any more than he could be what I needed. What it comes down to, for me, is that he has you. I can... move on, yeah? Stop doing this to everyone."
Noah shook his head. Tobias would never allow Phan to just "move on" without his guidance; Phan was too given to self-destruction when he wasn't thinking clearly. Tobias was protective by nature, and Noah knew that Phan, as a very close friend if nothing else, would be questioned until he was clear about his own motives and plans. "That's easy to say, but how are you going to move on, Phan? Are you even ready to do that?"
"I don't really have much choice, do I?" Phan said with a shrug. "I can't stay with Bradford much longer; he's got Nikki. I gave up my apartment the weekend I got locked in that room, when Bradford decided that enough was enough. I don't have anywhere to go, so I might as well just keep going, maybe go to New York or something." He smiled without humor. "Could always dip into Daddy's money, I suppose. Give them a thrill."
God, not his parents' money. Noah felt way out of his league now. "Have you discussed moving with Bradford?"
"Nope." Phan leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. "You're going to start making phone calls the minute the door closes on me, aren't you?"
Or possibly sooner, Noah told himself, a disconcerting feeling of déja vu coming on. Instead he just nodded. "Sir wants me to call him, yeah. It's not a game, though, Phan, we're not tag-teaming you. He worries about you, and he wants to be prepared for whatever Bradford is going to tell him tomorrow."
Phan snorted, his eyes still closed. "You ever think it's a little scary, the way that man needs to know everything before he's supposed to? Control freak of the finest sort."
"I wouldn't say that. If he was a true control freak then he wouldn't have a submissive, he'd have a slave. He likes to be prepared. You know that he doesn't like surprises. He gets very thrown when he's not expecting something." Noah thought about the discussion about money that he and Tobias had had in Paris, when they were negotiating their contract. Tobias had been completely flustered by the conversation, like it hadn't even crossed his mind that Noah might feel the need to contribute to the household. Tobias tended to balk when his point of view was shifted without warning.
"Yeah, well, sometimes it's good to rattle his cage," Phan said. He opened his eyes and looked over at Noah, his face so blank it had to be on purpose. "Do you hate me?" he asked calmly.
"No." Noah answered just as calmly, but if Phan wanted more information than that he was going to have to ask the right questions.
"I think I would." Phan looked thoughtful for a moment. "You're wary, though. Like you weren't before, or at least more obvious about it. Do you want me to go?"
Was it Phan that Noah was really wary of, or Tobias' unfaltering sense of obligation? Because Noah honestly believed that if it ever came down to which one of them needed taking care of more, the answer was so obvious that it tied Noah's stomach in knots.
Noah had no doubt that Tobias would put obligation before desire.
"If I seem more uptight about it, it's only because you basically told me tonight that what you really want is to have Tobias back. I don't think you'll take steps to pursue it, but if he wasn't so happy with me... well, it's just a lot to digest, Phan."
Phan shook his head and stood up. "I don't want him back. It wouldn't work. Aside from the fact that I really like you, I don't think I could live with myself. I won't mess up what you have. What I want is so huge that it scares me to think about it, so I don't." Phan stretched and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Right. Take care of him, okay? I'll see you later." He turned and headed to the door, all the usual slink gone from his stride.
Noah fought the urge to chase after him. He'd opened his big mouth and made things worse when he was supposed to be helping. It was no wonder Phan wanted to leave. He was so upset with himself he didn't even reply. This time, he let Phan go.
Once the door had closed behind Phan, Noah picked up the remote and hurled it at the wall. He growled as the battery cover popped off and the idiotic little AAA batteries went rolling everywhere, realizing with yet more guilt that that was quite possibly the last time Phan would walk through his door.
"Fuck," he spat as he headed for the shower. He ought to call Tobias, but what was he going to say? Apart from "I'm an asshole and I totally blew it"?
His shower was hot. Really hot. He steamed up the tiny bathroom so thoroughly that when he got out he had to open the door to get air. Maybe he should have made Phan stay, pushed him further, and asked Phan what he wanted that was so huge, but by that point Noah felt like it was none of his goddamn business anymore.
Tobias looked out the big window and down Lincoln again, then looked at his watch. He'd been doing the same thing for almost an hour, waiting to hear from Noah. Phan didn't usually stay so late; it was almost eleven, and Tobias was about ready to call and check up on them.
Part of it, he thought, was that after a week with Noah constantly by his side, he was reluctant to let go. Spending Monday night alone in his bed had been uncomfortable at best, and he'd decided rather selfishly to hurry along the plans to move. He much preferred to have Noah right there at night. Even having Noah chained to the end of the bed was better than the silence of the apartment.
He growled as he looked at his watch again. There was no way Phan was still there; he usually had orders from Bradford to be back by ten-thirty or so. It was time to call.
Tobias picked up the portable phone and hit the speed dial as he walked to the front door to make sure it was locked, the line ringing in his ear as he flipped off the lights.
It rang several times, but just before he would have expected Noah's machine to pick up, his boy's voice came over the line.
"Hello, sir," Noah said, followed by a heavy sigh.
Tobias winced. "Hello, pet. What happened? You sound like it was a less than happy evening."
"I'm such an idiot, sir, I totally blew it. Phan walked out, I didn't have the courage to stop him, and he probably won't be back. I made everything worse. What a cock-up." Noah sighed again. Tobias could hear him washing dishes.
Tobias felt a knot form in his stomach and he turned around, heading to the hall table and his cell phone. "Back up. He walked out? And stop blaming yourself -- you know he's a mess right now, I'm sure you didn't do anything you shouldn't have."
The water on Noah's end shut off abruptly. "It started fine, but I knew he was covering for something. So we ate and then we came into the living room and as soon as we were settled I decided to ask how things were going with Bradford. He told me they're going through the motions but that it's basically nothing special. It sounded to me like neither of them is really getting anything out of it." Noah cleared his throat, and Tobias heard the refrigerator open and close. "So I suggested that maybe he should look for another Dom, and he said... well, he said no, that he didn't want another Dom, and then changed the subject."
Tobias' hand hovered over the cell phone, but he held back. "Okay," he said slowly. "So, they're doing the basics to fulfill Phantom's needs and nothing more. Phan doesn't want a new Dom -- that's hardly surprising, given his mental state these days. He's working on getting his head right; it's not the time to go shopping for someone new to play with." But there was an uncomfortable pressure building in Tobias' head as he tried to sort through everyone's motives and feelings -- including his own.
"He said it had to stop," Noah continued. "That sucking everyone into his problems wasn't right, that he was happy for you and me, and that he needed to move on, maybe move to New York, and a bunch of other stuff, so..." Noah sighed heavily. "I told him I thought that what he wanted was you."
"Oh, dear," Tobias sighed. He picked up the cell phone and walked down the hall to his room. "Then what?"
"Well, he denied it... sort of. And then he... he said to take care of you, and he left. Jesus, I'm sorry." Noah groaned on the other end. "I really fucked this up."
"Shh, no, you didn't," Tobias said softly. "You asked what needed to be asked. We can't help him -- no one can -- if we don't know what's going on his head." Tobias turned on the light in his room and walked to the bed. "How long ago was this?"
"Maybe two hours? I would have called you sooner, but I feel like a first-class prick." Noah groaned and then suddenly added, "Oh! Sir... before Phan left he told me something odd, too. He said that what he wanted was so huge that it scared him to think about it."
Tobias didn't have time to respond to that before the cell phone rang in his fingers. "Hang on, pet, the other phone is ringing." Tobias lowered the portable and looked at the screen on his cell -- Bradford. He pushed the talk button, the knot in his stomach getting even tighter. "Hello, Bradford. How is he?"
"He says he's fine," Bradford said, skipping the niceties. "But I think you should come over."
Tobias frowned and tried to rub his eyes, but he still held the portable. "Why?" he asked. "If he says he's fine he's hardly likely to talk to--"
"He's called his father. He's informed me that he's going to go to this clinic his parents' people have been pushing for."
Tobias swore. "Damn. Hang on, I have Noah on the other phone." Quickly, he switched phones. "Pet?"
"Bradford, I heard. Go on. Call me if you need me, okay?"
"It's not that -- Phan's called his parents. He thinks he's going to a clinic." He wasn't sure, but he thought there was a note of panic in his voice. The last time Phantom's parents had arranged for a clinic they'd had their son committed, and it had taken Tobias a great deal of legal maneuvering to get Phan back out. It wasn't that Tobias didn't want help for Phan, but he'd rather that Phan didn't have to hear a lot of nonsense about how his kinks were a sickness. The fact that Phantom's parents were more or less directly responsible for his mental state, as well, didn't help Tobias reconcile their efforts, either.
Noah made a rough noise. "What? He never said anything like that to me. What kind of clinic? Shit, this is totally my fault. He wants out, Tobias. He just wants away from us, I think, and I don't really understand why. I know he said that he didn't have anywhere to go; maybe this is his short-term solution?"
Tobias shook his head. "I don't know, I don't know what's going on. But it's not your fault, Noah. Listen to me. We'll sort it out, but right now I need to get over there before he goes. This clinic, it's not a good idea." He looked at the cell phone in his hand and closed his eyes. "Do you want to come with me or wait? Up to you, pet."
"I better stay out of this. I can't... I just don't think I'm... you'd better go without me."
"Come here, then. I have no idea how long this is going to take, but I want to see you when I manage to get it sorted. If you're sleeping here, I can just let myself in and won't wake you up." He lifted the cell and said, "I'm on my way, keep him there."
"Right," Bradford replied, and then hung up.
Tobias thumbed off the phone and tossed it on the bed. "Okay?" he asked Noah.
Noah sighed. "Yes, sir. I'll be there."
"Sweetheart. It's not your fault. I'm not leaving you. I love you. Did I leave anything out?" Tobias asked, picking up the cell phone again and looking for his coat.
"You can't just... don't just
say
that stuff to hold me over, okay? I know you mean it, but firing it off like that... oh, fuck. What is wrong with me? Just go on before I fuck this up too. Please? I love you. I'll be there when you get home."
Tobias stopped dead in his tracks. "I'm not just saying things to hold you over, Noah. I mean it, you're not losing me, and I'm not letting you go. Do you want me to just stay here? Let Phan sink or swim? Because I will." It would damn near kill him, and would possibly be the end of Phantom entirely, but he'd do it.
"No. Please go." This time, Noah sounded completely sincere.
"All right. I love you." Tobias grabbed his jacket and put the cell in the pocket, buzzing the front desk. He'd need his car.
"I love you, too," Noah said, and Tobias hung up the phone, knowing it was true. They'd be okay.
Phantom, he wasn't so sure about.