Body Language: 101 (4 page)

Before you launch into negotiations, it would be good if you test the water a little. It is always best to negotiate when the time is ripe to get the best outcome. To find out whether that is a good time or not test the rapport you have established with the others using body language.

Let us say you are seated at a conference table. Facing one of the individuals (or more), suddenly lean away from him pushing your seat back.  In most cases, you will find that the other person too would more or less mirror your actions. This is how you alienate a person.

To bring him back to the connect, all you have to do is lean towards the person now and ensure that hands are visible with one or both palms facing upwards. Look at him, and flash a genuine smile. It would very rare that you would not get an instant friendly reaction from the other person.

If you are able to sway the person in this manner – it is the best time to talk about whatever you want to negotiate. It is most likely that you would win.

We have spoken in the earlier chapters about how importance stance is. When you want to make a statement that everyone should listen and obey, widen your stance, take a deep breath and keeping both feet firm on the ground, feel yourself breathing in and out and the calmness and centering it brings you. When you are relaxed and use this stance the voice would come out more resonant and deeper.

A confident stance and deep voice is the recipe for the highest level of persuasion ability. When you master this type of stance, few would be able to resist your charm.

There would be times when you find that you have lost all control. When you want to get back the reigns in whatever crowd you are in, all you need to do is take a few steps back. That is about all – and it is an excellent tip. Try it anywhere and see the other person’s reaction instantly.

Trust is the basic ingredient in any type of relationship – without establishing trust you would not be able to proceed with negotiations. To show you are trusting, you need to have the cup of coffee at chest level. Surprisingly, when you do so, more often than not people will warm up to you and bam! You have them eating out of your hand.

People who shake hands as soon as they meet are more likely to get the deal inside the bag. It is easy to remember this tip. Offer to shake hands before and shake hands again at the end of the deal. Studies show that people who have taken the trouble to shake hands before negotiations, have better chances to close the deal. This is because there is a higher degree of trust and better rapport between the two persons.

You need to come across confident, if you want to get what you want. How do you project a confident and self-assured personality – even if you’re scared out of your mind? Easy. They say the easiest solution to this problem is “fake it until you get it”. In other words, send all the signals in the book that say you are confident and prepared for what’s coming – whatever that may be.

There are TWO ways to project confidence. First, start believing that you are on the top of the world. You are confident. You know it all and no one can challenge you. You are in control and in charge. The more you believe it, the better you would be able to send the message across.

Second, you send the signals that signify these inner beliefs.  Use all possible signs that indicate to an onlooker that you are confident and ready for whatever comes your way.

- Do pay attention to the way you stand. To display confidence, stand with your hands lightly on your hips, feet rooted to the ground. Strike this stance in the mirror until you perfect it. Do this wherever you need to make an impression.

- Men, cross your legs across the knee to form the 4 figure. This exposes the groin to the eye – though not inappropriately – which projects full self-confidence.

- Spread over the area. Let your body lose; square your body and occupy more space than your body normally does.

- You can put your hands in the front pocket of your trousers, but leave the thumbs out; or hook your thumbs inside and leave the hand out.

- Spread the fingers of your hands apart and push the tips against one another.

- Grasp and rub your chin very slowly.

- Don’t talk too loudly, too quickly – this shows that you’re nervous and unsure of yourself.

- Don’t gesticulate outside your body frame. Your hands should move within the width of your shoulders.

- Don’t cover your neck, abdomen or groin. This is a defensive posture which signals anxiety.

- Don’t fidget. Crossing and uncrossing your legs, cracking knuckles, wringing hands indicate nervousness.

- Don’t scowl. This puts people off and shuts you out from any possible conversation.

We have established that body language is a powerful method of communication. We have also established that body language is not universal to be read and interpreted as one throughout the world. Besides the basics, there are factors that change the interpretation of body language. What are those factors?

Among the key factors that could change the meaning of body language are gender, culture and age. Let us have a look at these difference and find out how these factors can influence body language reading.

You would have heard of the book, “
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
” by John Gray where the author explains how women and men are genetically programmed differently. Hence, their reaction, understanding, emoting ability and ability to respond in a relationship are different.

“Different” here does not mean “bad”; it just means different. In other words, both could be looking at the same thing, but come to totally different conclusions – and both would be correct. Knowing to identify these differences would help read accurately their body language, and save precious time and effort.

Women, as per research studies, are far better at reading and interpreting body language than men. This is why women are known to be “intuitive” in their approach – particularly because they can read with much more accuracy an individual’s body language.

How do they differ in body language?

Women use facial expression the most in transmitting what they want and when they want. You would see many women who can literally “talk” with their eyes. Their children would know the “eye language” and even pets would obey the “eye commands”. This is because women are emotional beings, interpreting most things through emotions and feelings.

You can read a woman’s face quickly and easily – because she lets you. However, if she chooses that you do not read anything, you may not and cannot. Women can put a mask and go through official and social events without allowing anything to be betrayed on their face.

In day to day life however, women have a tougher time to hide their feelings from spilling out on their face then men.

Women prefer a side-to-side approach rather than the men’s face to face approach. This is because with the side-by-side allows more intimacy and warmth. Women are very comfortable with proximity to their body. When women are happy or anxious or sad - or everything in between - they feel the need to touch. Touching, hugging, crying – are some of the ways women use to cope.

Generally, women are okay with people in close proximity and are not scared or feel threated by it.

Women consider touching as expression of friendship and empathy/sympathy. This is why they almost always welcome it. It comes easy to women to touch and rarely think twice about a pat on the back, a hug or a peck on the cheek.

Men are not very subtle with their body language and do not understand why this is necessary. Most men think that actions speak louder than any language – and hence, if you want to prove a point, then you should just go ahead and do it. At the same time it is important to understand that their body language differs quite some from their counterparts.

It is not easy for men to emote as women do. Neither is it a matter of pride that anyone can read a man’s face. Hence, men by default pull within themselves and do not show they are ruffled or worried about anything. Their faces do show various expressions, but they are often inscrutable.

Men hide their feelings voluntarily – because that is a macho thing. Hence, there would be difficult to read too much from their face.

Men do not like people, especially strangers to stray into their personal space; neither do men go into another’s personal place unless they knowingly want to intimidate in person. They consider the invasion of their personal space a threat and hence, would resist with all their might.

When people move in a man’s personal space, they would either be close friends/ significant other or an enemy. There are rarely any in-between variations for men.

Touching makes men uncomfortable when it comes from a man; unless it is a handshake or a pat on the back. If they want to touch, it is more often than not sexual or for a fight.

When a man touches the other it is often interpreted as two colleagues establishing a working rapport. If the man touches a woman, the best bet is that he lusts for her, although that may not necessarily always be the case.

Culture plays a very large role in how you interpret body language. In high-contact cultures there is a lot of touching, eye contact, body positioning, and facial expression. In low-contact cultures the trend is reverse; they tend to overcompensate for this fact by perfecting non-verbal language through eyes.

You will find that low-contact cultures have a huge, huge repertoire of books that specialize in interpreting eye contact body language. Other factors that affect body language expression and reading are as under:

It is very important to observe that different countries have different cultures and every region and country has its own nuances. The classification of low-contact culture would be applicable in East Asia and many parts of Europe. Other parts of Europe and the USA would fall in between low and high body contact.

In most countries touching in public between genders or same gender is a taboo. This is because it has sexual (read that as indecent) connotation. However, even in this backdrop in China two young boys can be seen holding hands, strolling here and there. This normally indicates that they are friends – not necessarily lovers. Refrain from reading too much in any gesture when you are out of your own country.

It is not very easy to understand the significance of any gesture unless it is put in context. The context can be anything, hence when you are outside the country you should be very careful when you try communicating through sign language.

Hand gestures, body postures, facial expressions and eye movement – all can create serious havoc in your communication if you don’t really know what you are doing given the fact that each new place has its own “body language” rules and interpretations.

Age too has its say when it comes to body language. Young children who are almost always open communicate differently. Young women send different signals than those who are on with their years. Young men, too project a different body language.

It is not easy to read body language and all these variations make it mind-bogglingly difficult at times. However, even though you do not get to know all the nitty-gritties of body language, it is important that you know how many types are out there and how it is used.

… that body language is also known as “kinesics”.

… the concept of body language is not new. As long ago as 350 years, John Bulwer wrote a book on the subject, “Cirologia: Or the Natural Language of the Hand” (1644) which dealt with the various hand gestures.

… that men are more often caught “checking out” women because their eyes have tunnel vision; hence, it is easier to see/ check where they are looking. Women on the other hand have better peripheral sight and hence, can see the whole picture without even moving our head.

… that the personal space is also called “the personal bubble” –and this varies from one country/continent to another. In the USA the personal bubble requires about 14-18 inches, in Japan however, this space is about 10 inches.

… that when a person has crossed both hands and legs, he is totally out of this conversation.

… that most women find it easier to get into the mirroring body language mode for one another. They also have no trouble mirroring the image of men, if they find them attractive. However, men very rarely mirror other men and almost never women. Exceptions might be there in this regard, during courtship.

… that two more universal facial expressions have been added in the recent past to the existing 6 (surprise, sadness, happiness, fear, disgust and anger), i.e. embarrassment and contempt.

… that men find women who laugh at their jokes attractive. When men say they love women with a sense of humor, more often than not they mean that they love women who are able to laugh at their jokes – and not that they love women who are witty/ funny, etc.

… that when they acute discomfort, men would be found touching their faces. Women on the other hand, would be see touching their necks, hair, arms and clothes.

… that feet and legs are often the body parts that almost always tell the truth about the intentions of the person. If the feet and body are out of sync, it means disagreement. It is very hard to control this reaction – even if you know about it – and hence, one of the most accurate yard sticks of body language.

… discomfort can also be identified when a person suddenly decides to zip up his jacket or close the buttons of his jacket. The same person may be seen unbuttoning the jacket after the discussion is over.

… that one shoulder shrug means that the person who is speaking does not agree to what is said.

… that a sure way to calm down is to puff your cheeks and exhale. You will feel calm almost immediately.

… that you can make yourself feel happier just by smiling – even if you do not feel like it. Just smile for 2-3 minutes and you will find the mood elevated.

… that even children who are born blind and have never seen the world, would cover their eyes when they hear that someone they loved passed away.

… that children whose parents are excessively abusive would often project “frozen” postures, i.e. hands by the side and no eye contact like they are frozen. This is a shortcut method for the brain to try to make the body disappear and mind to cope.

… that blind people would show the same body language as those who are born with sight.

… that women see men who show dominant body language as more fertile (and hence eligible) than non-dominant ones.

… that when women find men attractive, they will not allow anything to stand in between them – literally. They would remove coffee mugs, purse, etc. that is placed between the man and the woman. On the other hand, when she feels uncomfortable, she will put the purse/ handbag in between and cross her hands.

… that women use about 16 areas in their brain when they try reading body language; men on the other hand show only 4-6 area for the same task.

… that the ability to laugh (or to see the funny side of life) diminishes with age. While a young child will laugh about 400 per day, an adult laugh only about 15 times per day.

… that contrary to common belief, most practiced liars would be able to maintain eye contact with the person to whom they are lying to.

… that autistic people are not able to read anything “inferred” and hence, they cannot read what is said through body language.

… that arched eyebrows usually indicate they the listener is intrigued and curious.

… that tilting the head and smiling to the left often means you are flirting.

… that it takes about 4 minutes to decide whether you like a person or not.

… that when two people fall in love and look deep in one another’s eyes, their heart beats start beating in sync.

… that the hormone oxytocin is produced when two people in love cuddle or embrace. This hormone would be found instantly in the brain, testicles and ovaries and helps the bonding between the two young lovers.

… that most people prefer an attractive face to an attractive body for a long terms relationship.

… touching or holding the hand of a person whom you love (not necessarily your lover) can reduce physical pain to a large extent.

… the butterflies in the stomach is a real feeling caused by anxiety, which in turn causes the increase in the production of adrenalin. It is adrenalin that gives that queasy feeling.

… that when you try reading body language, your body language would betray that fact to anyone who knows to read it.

… that studies show that pedestrians who meet the eye of the driver are less likely to get run over while crossing the street.