I straggle behind, trying to catch up. By the time I do, Mom’s unloaded the contents of our basket onto the conveyor belt: a box of Ritz crackers, a jar of store-brand peanut butter, a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and two cans of Coca-Cola. White Hair is parked behind Mom, emptying her carriage, clearly breaking the
Limit 12 Items
rule. I count ten cans of cat food, two packages of one-hundred-watt lightbulbs, a carton of Virginia Slims cigarettes, and a tube of generic hemorrhoid cream.

“Excuse me,” I mumble, attempting to squeeze past her cart. But squeezing isn’t a viable option when you weigh over two hundred pounds. My butt catches on a candy rack, dragging a shelf of Necco Wafers to the ground. I bend to pick them up, then straighten and smack my head on a newspaper display. President Carter’s face glares at me, unforgiving.

“
Excuse me
,” I say again, louder.

Finally, White Hair backs up to let me through and I step into line beside Mom.

Welcome to Grand Union! I’m Joyce!
presses the register keys, totaling up our purchase. Joyce is as fat as I am, but she’s a lot older and has large, bulgy frog eyes. The stone on her mood ring is black. “Nine dollars and sixty-two cents,” she reports, staring past Mom and me.

Mom thumbs through a fistful of food stamps. Usually they’re something I manage, since I do most of the shopping, but today she feels like playing grown-up.

Joyce stares at the stamps, like Mom’s produced a handful of dog shit. “You can’t pay for beer with
those
,” she snarls.

“I’m aware of that,” Mom snarls back. She leans into my side, whispering, “Do you have four dollars I can borrow?” Her liner’s painted thicker on one eye, making the two sides of her face seem mismatched.

“You already owe me twelve,” I remind her.

White Hair cranes her neck to watch us. And even though I’m embarrassed, I’m pissed too. I turn to glare at her hemorrhoid cream. Her face reddens and she looks away.

“
Pleeeaaassse
?” Mom begs, pouting.

I hate it when she uses her whiny-little-girl voice. Huffing, I dig in my pocket.

Every month, after Mom signs her welfare check, I take it to the bank and cash it. After I pay the rent and utilities, I divide what remains between us. Mom’s half covers her cigarettes and beer for the month. Or it’s
supposed
to. With my half, I buy stuff like toilet paper and laundry detergent and soap—things food stamps don’t cover. Whatever’s left I hide in a red shoebox in the back of my closet. I’ve saved close to three hundred dollars that way. After I
graduate, I plan to go to the community college and study to become a nurse. With the practice I’ve had taking care of Mom, I think I’d be good at that job. Plus, I’d get paid for it. Needless to say, Mom doesn’t know about my shoebox. She’d be into it the minute she ran out of beer money.

I count out four ones for Mom, smoothing them flat on the counter.

Joyce rolls her big, bulgy frog eyes. “You still need nineteen cents.”

I reach back into my pocket and pull out a dime and two nickels. Except I don’t hand the coins to Joyce, I drop them on the conveyor belt, grinning as I watch her fat fingers struggle to collect them.

Mom cradles her Grand Union bag carefully—like it’s a baby she’s carrying—and starts for the
Exit
door.

Not bothering to wait for my penny, I follow her. Fast.

Or as fast as a fat girl can travel.

* * *

The hills along Route 17 are dabbed with early fall colors. It’s over forty-five minutes to Cherry Hill Cemetery. Mom insists on driving, and I feel carsick. Then I get a headache. I reach into my pocket-book for two aspirin and swallow them down with my Coke.

By the time we reach the cemetery, the sun is low in the sky. The graveyards closer to home lock their gates at dusk, but not Cherry Hill. It’s there for Mom anytime, day or night, making it her cemetery of choice for what we’re about to do.

Mom passes the visitor’s center, weaves through the narrow lanes, and parks her Charger in our usual spot.

As I walk to the trunk for our grocery bag, leaves crunch under my feet. I carry the bag to where we always sit—beside a white concrete
angel that’s a good foot taller than I am. Her wings are spread open, her back is arched, and the folds in her gown churn around her. She reminds me of the winged victory goddess I saw slides of in art history class, except this statue has a head. The inscription carved on her base says:

SOPHIE DESALVO
BELOVED DAUGHTER
MARCH 1, 1959–SEPTEMBER 15, 1961

We were born the same year, except Sophie had only two birthdays, which is completely unfair. Death should be reserved for old people like White Hair. I picture her slumped across the conveyer belt at Grand Union, grabbing her heart with one hand, clutching a tube of generic hemorrhoid cream with the other.

Next to Sophie’s angel, a fountain gurgles. A breeze blows and I feel the spray on my face. Even after I blink several times, the droplets still cling to my lashes.

Before getting out of the car, Mom cranks up the radio and rolls down a window. Neil Diamond’s gravelly voice leaps out, puncturing the dusky silence. Even though he’s singing one of my favorite songs—the one about the misunderstood gull from the movie
Jonathan Livingston Seagull
—it doesn’t stop me from thinking that it’s disrespectful to play pop tunes where people are buried. But mentioning this to my mother wouldn’t do any good. This is part of her ritual.

Mom joins me, unfolding the wooly blanket she keeps in the backseat. It’s left over from an old boyfriend, Jake. He had a dog, and the blanket still smells just like him. The dog, that is, not Jake. She opens the blanket across the low flat stone she calls Our Rock. As if that cold gray mass is meaningful because we’ve claimed it. As if we’ve made some mark on the world by sitting here time after
time—that in a hundred years, after we’re both dead and gone, someone will put a plaque on the stone that reads:
Leona and Madeline Fitch Once Sat Here.

The sky turns a deep, shimmery pink, so bright it doesn’t look real.

Mom pops the top on a can of beer. She tips her head back, swallowing again and again, like she hasn’t had liquid in a week. I open the peanut butter and dip crackers in the brown goo, savoring the thick, salty crunch.

By the time Mom’s finished her fifth beer, and I’ve polished off the crackers, the last band of color has disappeared behind the black hills. I glance at the moon, which hovers over Sophie’s angel, bathing the concrete in cool, silvery light.

I lick my finger, dab Ritz crumbs off the shelf my boobs make, then eat those tiny flakes too. I’m still hungry. I have a bottomless chasm in my middle. The Beast, I call it. Sometimes it’s insatiable—I could peel Grand Union open like a can of SPAM and empty all the aisles down my throat, and even then the Beast would cry, “
More!
”

Mom starts on beer number six. It’s the one I call the Talking Beer. Soon she’ll fill the night with more words than you’d ever guess she owned.

I lean my head back, glancing up at the stars. I find one that blinks on and off and I study it, praying it’s telling me something.

My mother burps, and I can smell the beer stench on her breath. Without excusing herself, she announces, “I won’t be seeing Kyle anymore.”

Of course, I already know this. That’s why we’re here at the cemetery, after all. To mourn another lost boyfriend. To add another name to the Men Who Ditched Leona Fitch list.

“I thought he was going to be the one,” she continues. “He was so thoughtful.”

She’s right. Kyle was thoughtful. He gave me a brown bobble-head dog the first time Mom brought him home to meet me. And he earned bonus points for the fact that—in the six weeks he dated Mom—I never once caught him staring at my rolls of fat or my massive chest. But eventually Kyle bailed out, just like all the others.

There’s a long silence between us.

Mom pokes me with her bony elbow. “
You
gotta boyfriend yet?”

“Dozens.” I roll my eyes. “Boys know fat’s where it’s at.”

Mom extends a finger, playfully tapping my chin—actually two chins—and I get a lump in my throat. She almost never touches me. Not that I blame her. People don’t like to touch fat. “Maybe if you dressed a lil’ diff’rent…” she slurs. “Maybe if you showed a lil’ flesh, you’d get some action.”

“Right,” I snap. “Welcome to Sea World. Step right up and pet a real live whale. Can’t get much sexier than that.”

Mom gets quiet again.

I glance over, seeing if she’s still upright.

“We’re quita pair,” she says, forcing a smile. “I drinka lil’ too much and you eata lil’ too much.” She lifts her Talking Beer toward a patch of stars. “Here’s to whatever makes you happy.”

Her head drops, landing on the giant hill my shoulder makes.

Softly, she starts to cry.

Happy is the last thing I’d call us.

Desiree
J
ohnson City, New York, 1993

as i try to sleep

a mouse squeals.

i picture him struggling

to unglue his tiny body

from the damn sticky paper

mam (my asshole mother)

uses to trap rodents

in our apartment.

i imagine how that

poor, dumb creature

must feel—

lying there,

unable to

move,

slowly

dying.

* * *

i wonder where

i’ll be in three years

when i turn eighteen—

if i’ll have some stupid job at kmart

like mam,

or if me and jeremy

will move in together and

rent matching duplex apartments

with carol ann and eric.

us girls will learn to cook

while jeremy and eric watch football.

and when we decide to have kids,

i’ll be the best mom on the planet.

i’ll read my little girl stories

and french braid her hair

and make her cocoa when it snows.

she’ll never hear what i heard:

i’m too tired.

i’ve got a headache.

it’s time for my soaps.

no
e
’s for effort there.

screw that.

* * *

larry is the only guy

mam’s dated since i was born.

at first i thought

he must be desperate

or in a passing mood for some pork,

but he’s stuck around for over a year.

two weeks before summer vacation,

he asks mam and me out to dinner.

i’m sick of studying for finals,

glad to have something else to do.

in larry’s brown nissan

he chomps a toothpick

while mam rants

about her swollen feet.

i’m in the back with my walkman,

guns n’ roses ripping through my brain

as i doodle jeremy’s name on my jeans.

at ponderosa

we act like a family—

nice but scary too,

especially if you’re not used to it.

after dessert

we window-shop at the mall.

a sappy michael bolton song

oozes through the turd-colored walls,

and mam reaches for larry’s hand,

telling him she loves that song.

i roll my eyes and gag,

but i’m stopped in my tracks

by a black halter top

on a headless mannequin

i absolutely have to buy.

except all i have is twenty bucks and

the shirt costs twenty-six.

i beg mam to float me the extra.

instead she goes ballistic.

you’re not going anywhere in that
,

looking like a two-bit hooker!

i think i’ll combust,

my face is so hot.

i bolt toward the nearest exit,

expecting mam to call,
come back!

but she doesn’t.

i pause at a candy kiosk,

turn to see if she’s watching.

larry waves.

mam just stands there.

i grab an almond joy,

shove it in my pocket,

and hurry straight for the door.

* * *

home’s five miles away

and i’m too chicken to hitchhike,

so i lean against larry’s car,

waiting for the happy couple to return.

a half hour later

we’re packed inside the nissan again.

the a/c doesn’t work.

the hot vinyl burns my legs.

mam’s sweat smells like fried fish.

i open my window,

lean my head out, inhaling.

on the return trip, no one speaks,

but there could be worse things in life

than icy silence on a freaking hot night.

* * *

at home

i change into a tank top and shorts.

i have to walk past mam and larry

to stick my melted almond joy

bar in the fridge.

they’re parked on the sofa

between two pedestal fans,

drinking beer and channel surfing,

reminding me of a pair of trained monkeys.

mam stops at
murphy brown.

go put some clothes on, dez.

i roll my eyes.

give me a break.

this is how people dress.

normal people, i want to add.

mam wears long sleeves year-round.

from the kitchen

i hear mam tell larry,

she dresses like a whore.

fuck you
, i say, so quiet

i think she won’t hear me.

except she does.

mam charges.

her palm cracks against my cheek

so hard i bite my tongue and taste blood.

she’s about to take another swing

when larry grabs her from behind.

go, dez, he hollers, get out of here!

so i do. i get the hell out.

* * *

jeremy’s parents are at a movie.

we hang out at his place,

smoke a joint,

watch a few episodes

of
the simpsons
,

make out.

i get home around midnight,

shaking from the damp night air.

mam’s bedroom door is open.

she’s asleep,

alone,

a gross glob of snoring flesh.

my stomach rumbles.

i head to the fridge for my almond joy.

returning through the living room,

i notice him—larry—

spread out across our sofa.

when he sees me,

he sits up quickly,

his shadow

slicing the quiet,

knifelike, precise.

his cool blue eyes singe

the gray space between us.

he pats the sofa

like his hand is saying,

come here
, but i don’t.

i drop down across from him,

in the chair mam sits in to watch

all my children
and
general hospital
,

tv pals she prefers to me.

sinking into the crater in the cushion,

i peel back the wrapper on the almond joy.

because there are two matching halves,

i decide i should offer one to larry.

i hold the candy bar out to him.

larry swallows his half whole.

he doesn’t even chew the nut.

is she still pissed?
i ask.

larry stands.
she’ll get over it.

he walks toward mam’s room,

pauses by the hallway night-light,

shakes his head back and forth.

then he closes her door.

slowly. quietly.

when larry returns,

i notice his shirt

is unbuttoned.

his chest hairs poke out

like one of those wiry doormats

you wipe your boots on in winter.

he catches me looking,

and my face heats up.

i stand to leave,

but larry says,

hey, not so fast.

he reaches beneath the sofa,

removing a wrinkled bag.

i know your birthday was two weeks ago
,

but here
—he hands it out to me—

i got you a belated gift.

i peer inside suspiciously,

in case it’s a trick,

but it isn’t.

holding up the halter top

mam went nuclear over,

i ignore what larry says next.

i can’t wait to see it on you, dez.

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