The line of his jaw tightened. “He never would have agreed to it. Not after seeing Noah like this.”
I frowned, trying to understand. But then I did, and the thought chilled me. “The only way to save him is for him to become a vampire, isn’t it?”
Matthias nodded.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I’d hoped for a potion or a drug. Anything but that.
“He’d never agree to it,” Matthias said, voicing my thoughts.
I opened my eyes. “No, he wouldn’t.”
“He despises vampires.”
“More than anything.”
“Sorry I couldn’t win him over with my charming ways. He hated me even more than the others, I think. I figured it was jealousy since it’s so obvious that you desire me.”
I remembered what Declan said before he left. He’d believed the same thing. “I’m not even going to justify that with a response.”
“Why do you deny it, Jillian? It grows tiresome.”
This was the absolute last thing I wanted to think about or discuss right now. I’d denied it ever since what happened between us in his chambers. It hadn’t been real. It hadn’t been anything more than vampiric hypnosis. And yet, standing here with the man who’d taken away my pain after Declan had left me all alone, my arguments seemed to be futile.
He approached so he stood directly behind me, so close it made me more nervous than I already was. “I must admit, I’m a little surprised.”
I looked at him cautiously in the reflection. “About what?”
“I could have sworn the dhampyr cared about you.”
I blinked hard and looked down at the lock of my hair in the sink. My throat thickened. “I guess you were wrong.”
I jumped when I felt him brush the long hair back off my shoulder. “What are you doing?”
“Testing myself.”
That immediately got my guard up again. I turned around to face him, but he didn’t step back to give me space, making me press back against the counter so I wouldn’t be touching him. If he had noticeable body heat I’d be able to feel it sinking into me by now.
“Why do you want to test yourself?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’m not in the mood for games right now, Matthias.”
“Me neither.” He tangled his fingers into my hair. His eyes had darkened and the thin, dark veins appeared along his cheeks and jaw. I didn’t think he was going to bite me. He was the only vampire I knew who had self-control around me. It gave me a chance to study his hunger closer up. It was just as scary as it looked at a distance.
“Bite me and you know what’s going to happen,” I warned. “You’re not immortal anymore.”
“I know.”
My hands gripped the cool edge of the counter. “Then why are you doing this?”
“You mean, why do I let myself get so close to you?”
“Yes.”
“Like I said, I’m testing myself.”
I swallowed hard. “I remember the last time you tested yourself. It didn’t go so well.”
His lips curled. “I’d have to disagree with you there. The taste of your body is a memory I find difficult to forget.”
My cheeks heated at the reminder. “You forced me to desire you.”
“Desire can’t be forced. Acquiescence is another matter altogether. But since you specifically remember desiring me, I’ll take that as a compliment.”
His words only worked to worry me more than I already was. I wanted to deny this pull I felt toward Matthias. But it was there and it felt stronger than ever at the moment. It scared me that he brought out a part of me that did want him despite my better judgment.
“I heard what he said to you outside. My hearing’s very good. Hope you don’t mind that I was listening.”
“What Declan said?”
“He doesn’t care what happens between us. Knowing your ex-lover won’t be jealous if we’re together must give you some freedom of choice.”
I inhaled sharply. “I’m not in love with you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
He bent over a little and brought his face close to mine. “Humans always obsess about love—but it’s a very unstable emotion. If you’d lived as long as I have, you’d see things much more practically. It helps in making decisions to know that nothing is permanent. Everything—partnerships, friendships, lovers, even family—is in a constant state of flux.”
There was the slight scent of roses to Matthias’s skin. I hadn’t noticed it before. I’d rarely gotten this close to him and still had my wits about me. “That’s not a very romantic outlook.”
“No, it isn’t. Two things are constant, though. It’s what governs all human behavior—and even the behavior of those who aren’t human.”
“What are they?”
“Pleasure and pain. One will seek out pleasure and attempt to avoid pain. It’s the base reason for every decision we make from the moment we wake to the moment we go to sleep.”
It was true about pain—I knew that for a fact. When I’d been experiencing it, I would have done anything to escape from it. “Do you have a point?”
He smiled, and I saw the edge of his sharp fangs. “It’s why I keep trying to get close to you, Jillian. Because your body—your blood.” He brought his face close enough that his lips brushed against my ear. “It gave me so much pleasure when I got the chance to taste it. At least, for the blissful moment before the pain ripped it away. You have absolutely no idea what I went through for the week it took me to recover enough to find you again. Only the thought of my daughter’s safety and the need to destroy Kristoff helped me keep my hold on life. You’d think I’d try to avoid you to make sure I didn’t feel that way again. And yet, here I am.”
I was breathing faster now, my heart pounding hard in my chest. His words were describing something horrible, but his tone had turned extremely sensual. Being this close to him did strange and unwelcome things to me. It made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. The memory of being in his bed as he explored every inch of my body slid through my mind and a mirror of the desire I’d felt then twisted through me now.
“You’re fucking with my mind again, aren’t you?” I whispered and turned back toward the mirror, hoping that would be enough to break his spell over me.
“No, I’m not fucking with your mind.” His gaze moved down the front of me reflected in the mirror, pausing at my hard nipples jutting against the thin material of my tank top. I instinctively crossed my arms to cover myself.
“Why do you fight it, Jillian?” he asked, reaching around me to pull my hands away from my body.
“Go ahead and fuck his brains out. I don’t really give a shit.”
I grimaced at what Declan had said to me just before he’d left. He’d seen that I had feelings for Matthias, even when I was trying to ignore them. And I would have ignored them forever if only he’d stayed with me.
But he hadn’t. He’d practically pushed me at the former vampire king in his attempt to get away from me—a man who’d had more lovers than I could count. A man who didn’t believe in love and romance, only pleasure and pain.
“I’m not forcing you to do anything,” Matthias whispered. “The dhampyr didn’t want you. But I’m here and I want you. Let me show you how much.”
His hands slid around to my stomach.
I needed to stop this, collect my thoughts, which were fluttering all over the place like a swarm of butterflies. My pain was gone, I currently felt better than I had since I’d first been injected with the Nightshade. There were too many other things to think about. I didn’t need this distraction.
I didn’t love Matthias, I knew that for sure.
Declan left me. He didn’t want to stay with me. He wouldn’t let me help him and he hated what I’d done to Noah.
Matthias was here. He had taken away my pain. And now he wanted to give me pleasure.
He pressed against my back and the feel of his arousal made me shiver. The mirror’s reflection showed his eyes were still black with hunger as his cool hands slowly slid under the bottom edge of my tank top, up over my stomach, until he fully cupped my bare breasts. I let out a tiny moan as he squeezed my nipples.
I wanted him. He wasn’t influencing me to feel that way. This was real, no illusion, no tricks. And it was something I never would have considered only yesterday. Funny how things could change so quickly.
I’d lusted after Matthias since practically the moment we met, and the dreams I’d had about him during the last week had only confirmed it. He was handsome and powerful and dangerous—a heady mix. It didn’t change how I felt about Declan—or rather, how I’d
felt
about him until he’d left and practically pushed me into the arms of another man by saying he didn’t give a shit. Not a terribly healthy relationship there, even aside from the dhampyr rage.
However, this wasn’t all that healthy, either.
“Isn’t this torture for you?” I managed. He still showed the visible signs of his hunger for my blood.
He smiled against the side of my face. “It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Before, I thought being close to you was an interesting test for myself. But now I know if I lose control with you, I’ll die from it.”
I licked my lips. “And you’re just sick enough that that excites you, doesn’t it?”
“Being so close to the only thing truly capable of killing me? Yes, it excites me like nothing else.”
He roughly pulled my shirt up over my breasts so I could watch him boldly caress my body without me doing a damn thing to stop him. His hands then moved under the waist of my yoga pants. He slowly slid his hand down between my legs. I gasped out loud and my knuckles whitened on the edge of the bathroom counter as his fingers moved over me.
“Yes.” He smiled. “I knew you wanted me. I can feel it. You can’t deny it any longer or blame this on tricks of the mind. Say you want me, Jillian.”
I forced myself to turn around in his arms so I could look right into his eyes. This was wrong and I hated myself for feeling anything at all for this vampire. But I did. It took me a while to speak. “You win.”
Then I pulled his face to mine and kissed him. His lips were cool but not cold against mine. He groaned low in his throat when I slid my tongue into his mouth, feeling the sharp edge of his fangs for a second before he pulled back from me.
He wasn’t smiling. “You are pleasure and pain all at once, Jillian.”
I didn’t want to think about this. I just needed to forget everything. Live in the moment and give in to pleasure. I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it over his shoulders, then slid my hands over his smooth chest, down his abdomen that I’d seen sliced open just the other night. No scars remained, just perfect smooth skin over hard muscle. My hands went to his waistband and I unzipped him, sliding his pants down over his hips before drawing his face close to mine again to kiss him.
“Just make me forget, Matthias,” I whispered. “Make me forget everything.”
He didn’t say anything for a moment. “Make you forget
him
.”
I nodded. “Please.”
His jaw tightened. “You think it’s that easy? If I take you right now, you think you can just forget about the dhampyr. Like magic?”
“You’re the magician, not me.”
“I’m not a magician. Knowing a few tricks is not true magic.”
I slid my hands down his chest and would have kept going lower if he didn’t catch my wrists.
“What are you waiting for?” I asked.
“You want me to make you forget him.”
“Yes.” My throat was thick and I felt on the verge of more tears. Damn it. I hated this. I hated that Declan had walked away and hadn’t let me try to help him. I hated that he said he didn’t care if I slept with Matthias.
“It would be so easy to take what’s already mine.” He hissed out a breath. “But I think you have me mistaken with someone who doesn’t mind being used to make a woman forget who she really wants to be with.”
He stepped back from me and did up his pants and shirt.
My face felt hot and I quickly pulled myself together and put my clothes back into place.
His face was expressionless. “The dhampyr pushed you toward me in order to make it easier on the both of you. However, I have no doubt he’ll come back for you eventually, when he comes to his senses.”
My chest tightened. “Matthias . . .”
“We’re going to visit the house where my daughter’s staying come nightfall. Please be ready.” Without another glance, he left me there alone.
If I didn’t know any differently, I’d say I bruised his ego.
12
WHEN I CAME DOWNSTAIRS AFTER SPENDING THE afternoon sequestered in the bedroom, the ropes that tied Noah to the staircase were loose on the floor and he was gone.
I froze.
“He’s coming with us,” Matthias said. I turned slowly to see him standing between me and the front door. “It’ll be a good test for him. You know how much I like my tests.”