Robin nodded gratefully. ‘I’m fine,’ she managed and her voice was husky with the effort of speaking. She hadn’t realized just how hard to run it had been and how much she had almost had to carry the old man, who for all his frailty had been a considerable weight. ‘Go on – I’m fine –’ And Chick with one last squeeze of Robin’s hand was gone, back into the depths of the shelter where Sister Marshall had all her Annie Zunz patients collected under her careful eye.
The old man was taken away then, down towards the far end where there was a small oil stove where hot drinks could be made and she watched the warden take him, grateful to be rid of him, for he had started to smell rather heavy in the thick air of the stuffy shelter.
‘Ye gods, but it fair reeks in here,’ the tall man said and Robin turned to him eagerly.
‘I’m so grateful to you!’ she said. ‘I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t have left him but it was all getting so noisy –’ And almost on cue there was a loud crump and the walls seemed to shake as the lamps went rolling wildly on their hooks, sending great shadows up the walls and illuminating frightened faces, all staring upwards. The chattering had stopped for a moment and then it started again, louder now and more defiant as the shelterers caught their breath and managed to relax a little, and
someone at the far end of the shelter started to sing ‘Daisy’ and one after another people joined in, a little raggedly at first but then with more and more assurance.
‘It was no bother to me,’ the tall man said and Robin peered at him in the dimness, startled, for now she recognized his voice.
‘Oh’ she said. ‘It’s you!’
‘As far as I know,’ the tall man said courteously and then smiled and she thought – why, he’s quite young! All the times she had seen him on Annie Zunz Ward he had seemed to be a man well into his thirties, with his dour glare and his tightly-held lips, but now the smile revealed rather endearingly misshapen teeth and stripped years off him.
‘I’m sorry, Todd,’ she said. ‘I hadn’t realized.’
‘No reason why ye should, Nurse,’ he said and the years climbed back into his face, as he shut his mouth tightly.
‘Oh, please, don’t call me Nurse like that! It’s as though I were on duty, and I’m not. Not until eight at any rate. Call me Robin,’ and she stuck out her hand. ‘I can’t tell you how grateful I am. You saved that old man, but you did me a good deed too. I’d be out there yet, arguing with him, if you hadn’t come and grabbed his pram.’ She turned her head and peered into the pram, where it was set against the only available patch of wall. ‘What do you suppose is in it that he hung on so hard?’
‘Everything he owns, I imagine,’ he said and shook her hand awkwardly and then let it go and stood erect against the wall, his arms dangling at his side, staring at her. She could see him more closely now as her eyes became accustomed to the change in the light levels and she was puzzled. He was a little paler than she remembered seeing him on the ward, and was sweating. His forehead and upper lips were beaded, and she rubbed her own face, a little surprised. It was warm in here, but not that hot –
There was another crump and again the lamps swung wildly but the noise was less and there was a drop in the level of chatter to a low murmur as they all strained their ears to hear, and then another crump came noticeably further away and shoulders relaxed and people started to talk again and to laugh and sing; and Robin too took a deep breath of relief and slid down the wall to crouch on her haunches, since there were no spaces on any of the benches.
‘Weren’t you on duty this afternoon, Todd?’ she asked, trying
again to make conversation even though it was obviously going to be as difficult, she told herself a little wryly, as walking over a ploughed field in silk dancing pumps. ‘I thought you’d have been up on the ward – ’
‘I’m transferred to night duty tonight,’ he said a little gruffly, as though the words were being dragged out of him. ‘Casualty.’
‘Oh!’ she said brightly. ‘Me too! Will you like it, do you think? I’m not sure, but Chick – you know, Nurse Chester? – she’s going to Cas too, and she says it should be interesting.’
‘Oh, aye, it’ll be that for sure,’ Todd said. ‘If you regard it as interesting to see people with their limbs blasted off and their eyes fairly sucked out of their skulls.’
She shrank a little at the savagery of his tone, and stared at him. He too was now leaning against the wall in a crouch, in the usual way that people used when they couldn’t find anywhere to sit, and she could see his eyes gleaming in the shadows.
‘I didn’t mean that,’ she said in a low voice. ‘Of course I didn’t. It’s awful, all of it. But we do our best to help them and – ’
‘Oh, aye, I’m sure you do. I’m sorry. I shouldna’ ha’ said that. It’s just that I get so angry –’ He caught his breath and then stopped. ‘You’ll not want to listen to me blethering on about it,’ he said then in a flat tone.
‘Of course I do!’ she said. ‘I’m always interested in what people have to say.’
‘Even a stinkin’ conchie like me?’
She flushed and was glad he couldn’t see it in the dimness. She had felt scorn for him when she’d first heard why he was an orderly, and she couldn’t deny that, but he had been so helpful and brave enough out there in the Mile End Road. Many another man would have left the two of them in order to take himself to safety, rather than carry a great dead weight like that pram in order to persuade a frightened man to take shelter.
‘Of course,’ she said, ‘I’m interested in people of all sorts.’ She tried to smile then, hoping he could tell from her voice that she meant kindly. ‘That’s why I’m a nurse. Because I like being with people. It’s not because I like to see people in pain or anything. I just like being with them.’
‘Aye? Well, I’m glad to hear it,’ he said and lapsed into silence.
They stayed there for a while listening to the crumps of
bombs becoming ever fainter, and longing for the all clear, and then she said, ‘Tell me, Todd, why are you a conchie?’
‘Ye gods, do you have to call me Todd like that?’ he burst out and there was real venom in his tones. ‘I’m no’ your servant!’
She stared at him in amazement. ‘I’m sorry – I don’t understand what you – ’
‘If it’s too much trouble to call me
Mr
Todd then – ’
‘Mr Todd?’ she said. ‘But isn’t that your first name?’
He was the one who stopped short.
‘What did you say?’
‘I said I thought Todd was your first name. I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, but it was the only name I ever heard anyone call you and – ’
‘Ah, to damnation wi’ it!’ he said and shook his head. ‘I’ve made a fat fool of mysel’, have I not? I’m sorry, Miss Bradman, I meant no – ’
‘My name is Robin,’ she said steadily. ‘I told you that.’
‘And mine is Hamish.’
She caught her breath, a sudden desire to laugh bumbling up in her. It wasn’t the odd name, well, not really; but it wasn’t a common one and what with the events of the afternoon and the oddness of this whole conversation, it was all she could do to regain her composure. But somehow she managed it and said gravely, ‘I’m pleased to know it, Hamish. And I’m sorry I didn’t before.’
‘No need to fash yerself,’ he said and smiled again and his uneven teeth glimmered in the dimness and then she could laugh.
‘Such a funny word! I know it’s Scots, but I never know exactly what it means – ’
‘It’s no’ Scots so much as French,’ he said. ‘Did ye not do the language at school?
Ne fâchez vous
– don’t disturb yourself, don’t be angered – we’ve a good deal of the French in Scotland. Dour, d’you see, comes from the French for hard –
dûr
– and there are others – ’
‘You’re a very interesting person!’ she discovered and again reddened. ‘Oh, I’m sorry! That sounds – I didn’t mean to be so rude. It’s just that on the ward, only seeing you do the buckets and scrub the pans and so forth – ’
‘Aye,’ he said grimly. ‘Always the dirtiest jobs they can find for me. Because I’m that dirty thing, a man with conscience.’
There was a little silence and then she said, ‘Tell me about it.’
‘What’s to tell you? I canna’ fight and kill. Indeed, I will na’. It’s as simple as that. So I came here to work instead.’
‘But you can’t want the Nazis to take over the world?’ she said wonderingly. ‘They will if they can.’
‘Aye, so we’re told,’ he said. ‘And have every reason to believe, the way they’re behaving now is – it’s sickening. But all the same I believe all life is sacred. I canna’ take it, nor can I inflict pain. It’s not a thing I can do. So, I do this work instead.’
‘It’s a pity you’re not a woman. Then you could be a nurse,’ she said, and he laughed.
‘Oh, I could join the army and say I wanted to be a stretcher-bearer or a medical orderly, but there’s no guarantee that they’d let me. And I might find myself with a gun put in my hands and then what? Do I turn and refuse and make it worse for the other men? Better to stay here. As for training as a nurse – I could for the mental hospitals, I dare say. They use male nurses. But I don’t want that. After this horrible war is over, as God willing it will be, I’ll be back to university.’
‘Back to – ’
‘I want to take my master’s degree. I’ve got my bachelor’s. I’m a biologist,’ he said simply and she stared at him again, seeing him in a whole new light.
‘But what waste to be emptying bedpans and scrubbing crappy mackintoshes!’ she said. ‘Why aren’t you doing that sort of work now? It must be more useful than this – ’
He shook his head. ‘The only sort of work that is useful in biology right now is warfare,’ he said bitterly. ‘They’re even thinking of germ bombs. It makes me sick – faugh!’ And he made the expressive sound deep in his throat and she felt a little chill of cold move in her.
‘I see,’ was all she could say, and that weakly, and he laughed then.
‘It’s difficult for you to understand. That I can hate the Nazis for the dreadful things they’re doing and yet not feel able to take up a gun against them?’
There was a silence and then she said. ‘Well, yes. I’m sorry, but I do. It’s just that – I thought we all had to be in this together.’
‘I am in it,’ he said. ‘Aren’t I? Here at the hospital. Even scrubbing babies’ crappy mackintoshes is a contribution, isn’t it? It releases people like you to do more important work.’
She managed a smile. ‘I suppose so. I wish I really understood though. I have so many friends, you see –’ And then she stopped.
He nodded. ‘I know. In the services.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘One’s in the Navy.’
He made a face. ‘Oh, God, that’s awful. I’m sorry.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Me too,’ and then stopped suddenly. ‘Are you religious? Is that it?’
He laughed. ‘Because I call on the name of God from time to time? Bad habit that. Just slang for me, I’m afraid. Me, I’m a real freethinker. Agnostic, you know? Not an atheist, mark you. That’s as arrogant as being a theist – I mean, swearing there’s no god is the same really as maintaining there is. Neither side have any evidence either way. Me, I don’t know, and don’t care too much. I think people matter most.’
She leaned forwards then and touched his arm, suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude. ‘Oh, I am glad you said that. I think I’m the same really. I’ve never talked about it, but it matters to me. I mean, I think about such things sometimes. Especially when – ’
She was never to know why she did it, but the words came tumbling out of her.
‘I’m a quarter Jewish, you see. I had a Jewish grandfather. I have this Jewish aunt – well, great-aunt really. She’s lovely. But my father, and now my stepfather – they’re just the usual English thing, you know, Church. Not that they go much, but they belong and I sometimes feel a bit bewildered by it all.’
‘I can well see you would,’ he said. And then lifted his head. Somewhere outside the long-awaited wail had started in the distance and they listened hard and then it started up close by and the shelterers took a deep sigh of relief and got to their feet, reaching for their knitting and their books and talking and laughing loudly in deep relief that this was another air raid over and done with and they were not hurt.
‘I’d love to talk some more about this,’ Robin said, a little shyly and she straightened her somewhat creaking knees and brushed the dust of the shelter wall from her trousers and shirt. She didn’t look at him.
‘Aye, well, mebbe we can at that,’ he said. ‘If there’s time in Casualty. Not that it’ll be likely.’ He squinted outside as the warden came and opened the door. There was the all too familiar dust in the air again and the sickening reek of cordite and he sighed. ‘If it’s like this now, God help us all when it gets dark –’ And then his eyes glinted with humour as he looked at her. ‘If you’ll forgive my use of the deity’s name!’
She laughed too and then watched as he went walking away across the courtyard, his long legs covering the ground quickly, as she waited for Chick to emerge with her armful of Davidoff twins. What a very odd day this was turning out to be, she thought, as she looked up at the sky, now a rich blue with the last rays of the September afternoon. Even among odd days which were the normal thing now, this one had given her a great deal to think about.
By seven o’clock, Poppy’s battered knee had swollen so badly she had to limp, and she felt dreadful. There wasn’t time to think about it as the first all-clear of the night offered only a half hour’s respite before the warning wailed its swooping notes again, but it sat at the back of her consciousness like a thick black cloud that threatened to overwhelm her at any moment.
Maria had gone when she had reached the canteen, leaving a note that said cryptically, ‘I been and gone I had to see you tomorrow as per arrangements as usual yrs truly Maria Randall (Mrs),’ and there had been a knot of wardens on their way on duty waiting and clamouring for their evening meal before they went. She had barely had time to put on her apron before she was dishing out the mince and potatoes that Maria had mercifully left bubbling ready on the stove.
The first wave of evening regulars went and she had a moment or two then for herself, and she used them to take off her stockings, pulling the tattered threads from her bloodied knee very gingerly, though it stung dreadfully, and then putting on iodine and a makeshift bandage. She was almost in tears of pain by this time and had to be very firm indeed with herself as she swallowed a couple of aspirin and then limped around the canteen collecting dirty dishes and washing up, and leaving the serving counter clean and ready for the next onslaught. To be so upset and tearful just because of a fall? It was ridiculous. And then she sighed and began to slice bread with some ferocity.