“God. I am so damn stupid,” I said again. I felt like there was no way to beat myself up enough.
“Stop saying that,” Ava commanded in a no-nonsense tone of voice. “I don’t want to hear you talk about yourself that way.”
“But what else can I say?” I asked. “The evidence is right here, in front of us. I let myself get roped in. I believed in him. I shared everything, everything I have, every memory. And the whole time, he was lying to me. How else would you describe me?”
“Lonely,” Ava said quietly. “Scared. Confused. Lost. Human.”
Her words did nothing to soothe me, though I knew she was trying her best.
“I should have listened to you,” I said, despondent. I felt the tears threatening to spill over again, and I pushed them back. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t even think I had it in me to squeeze out one more tear. I was exhausted.
“Yeah, well, for once I can’t say that I’m happy being right,” Ava admitted. “I didn’t want to be.”
“You didn’t?”
“Of course I didn’t!” she exclaimed, taking both of my hands in hers and looking me dead in the eye. “Being right meant you being hurt, and that’s the last thing I wanted. I would much rather have been wrong, and have you happy and safe. And I kinda liked him. I did. He seemed nice. I wanted to believe that he was the real deal too, Pres, but he wasn’t. We were both fooled.”
“Me more than you,” I pointed out obstinately.
“Yeah, yeah. You more than me,” she agreed. “You always have to have the last word.” Ava ruffled my hair and pulled me close.
She was only half-serious, and I had to smile through my tears, feeling somewhat soothed at last.
“This isn’t the end of the world, you know,” she said. “Everybody has to feel this way at least once, I think. It’s part of growing up or something.”
“So now I’m grown up?” I asked, smiling at her through my misery. She nodded.
“Yup. I think you qualify as a full-fledged grown-up now. Congratulations.” We both laughed a little. I could feel my spirits lifting, slowly but surely, and I realized that I didn’t want to keep feeling awful about this. I was extremely grateful to have Ava by my side and I told her so.
“What are friends for?”
“I mean it,” I said firmly. “I’m going to find a way to repay you one of these days.”
“Well, I’ve been keeping track of everything you owe me, so it’ll be really easy for you to do that.” She winked at me, and I threw a pillow at her head.
“You know what?” she suddenly said, and leapt off the bed. “We need to go out.”
“Ohhhhh,” I said reluctantly, “I don’t know about that, Ava. That’s sort of the last thing I wanna do right now.”
“And that’s why it’s the one thing you should do,” she announced. “I mean it. The only thing sitting around and moping is gonna do is make you feel worse. You have to do something that will take your mind off of everything. Let’s go out and have fun.”
“Even if we could sneak into a bar, after what happened to me, I don’t think that’s something I ever want to do.”
“There’s an under-21 night at one of the clubs near the store,” she told me. “I’ve been there a few times and it’s pretty fun. There are lots of cute guys there, too…”
I shot her a warning look. Way too soon to be mentioning guys. She held her hands in front of her, palms facing me.
“Okay, okay. It was just a thought.”
I deliberated with myself. I had really wanted nothing more than to veg out on the sofa and binge watch some TV. Maybe get better acquainted with my friends Ben and Jerry, but Ava looked so excited, I didn’t want to let her down by saying no.
I sighed. “What time do you wanna leave?” She clapped her hands.
“Get in the shower and get yourself cleaned up. Wash this whole day off. I’ll make dinner while you do.” She jumped up. “We’ll need sustenance if we’re gonna dance our butts off tonight!”
She dashed out to the kitchen, leaving me feeling like I’d just been run over by a freight train, but I was glad that there was still somebody I could trust – somebody who cared about my suffering and wanted to cheer me up. I hauled myself into the shower as per her orders, and said a little prayer that I’d be able to get through the night without bawling my eyes out all over again.
I was done crying.
Chapter 19
Preslee
A few hours later, Ava and I were dancing it out in the middle of a packed club and I was doing everything I could to forget what happened that day.
It seemed to be working, too. All the endorphins from the dancing had me feeling euphoric. I put all of my energy into my moves, telling myself to leave it all on the dance floor. All the hurt, the anger, the pain, the frustration. Just leave it here, I told myself. Sweat it out and start again tomorrow.
I’d worn a tight pair of jeans and a scoop-neck tank top with simple flats. I argued with Ava when she tried to get me to dress up a little more, piling an array of stilettos on the sofa and gesturing wildly. After I’d reminded her that I wasn’t looking for a rebound hookup, she’d given in and stopped hounding me about trying to look cuter.
Meanwhile, she had pulled out all the stops. She was a little rough around the edges, my friend. A little punk, but as it turned out, this entire club was too. I saw many more people dressed like her, complete with the streaky hair and piercings, than dressed like me. I was glad for that. She was always dealing with my drama and never made time for herself. She needed this as much as I did.
We were in the center of the dance floor together, shimmying to a song with a fast beat and killer drums. I concentrated on moving my body to the rhythm, but every time a guy danced too close, I’d flinch away. I couldn’t truly relax, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I was having a good time. My dancing was more desperate than fun. I was sweaty with exertion and laughing too loud. I was trying too hard, but I had to try, at least for Ava’s sake.
“You okay?” Ava shouted, straining to be heard over the music.
I nodded enthusiastically and danced even harder. She must have seen right through me. I tended to forget how well she knew me.
“Maybe we should go sit down. Have some water or something? Cool off.” She took me by the arm and led me to the bar area, where she elbowed her way through until she found two empty stools. For such a short person, she was very aggressive when she needed to be.
I sipped my water, grateful for the break. Again, somebody nudged me, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that everybody was way too close. More than once on the way to the club, I’d felt as though I was being followed. It was ridiculous, but I couldn’t get over that paranoia.
I hadn’t mentioned it to Ava. Sure, she’d be convinced I was having some sort of breakdown. The last thing I needed was to be shipped back to the hospital. I told myself that I was only overreacting, but that didn’t stop me from being on edge.
Suddenly, I realized Ava was asking me a question. “What?” I asked loudly, pretending that the roar of the music and the crowd was the reason I couldn’t hear her.
“I asked if you were okay. You seem antsy,” she said, leaning into me so I could hear her better.
I shook my head. “I’m fine!” I said with a big smile. She looked unconvinced.
A boy in dark clothing sidled up to her and said hello. He was cute. His brown hair was messy in that just woke up from bed way, full gages protruded from his ears, and a tongue ring flashed as he spoke. Not my type, but Ava definitely looked like he was hers.
Then I heard a glass fall and shatter behind the bar, and I shot from my stool, adrenaline flooding my system.
Glass sprayed over me as the windshield shattered.
“Oh my gosh, Pres, are you okay?” Ava asked.
“Sure, sorry. I just got startled.” I blew out a deep breath, giving myself a mental shake.
“You’re white as a sheet.”
“Maybe you need some air,” her friend suggested. He introduced himself as Dan. “Come on.” He took my arm lightly and pulled me towards the door. “I’m an EMT,” he said as he smiled reassuringly.
It was a chilly night for late March, but the cool air was good for me, so I didn’t mind. It helped clear my head and felt good against my perspiration-soaked clothing.
“Are you sure she should be out here like this, all sweaty?” Ava asked skeptically.
Dan nodded. “You can’t catch a chill from being outside in the cool air, that’s an old wives’ tale.”
“I’m glad we have a medical professional with us.” I forced a laugh. “Thanks. I just…that glass breaking…”
Ava placed a hand on my shoulder. “Maybe…maybe something came back to you?” She said it as a question rather than a statement.
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
I took a series of deep breaths as Ava gave Dan a brief rundown of what’d happened. I told myself that I was fine, that even if I was remembering things, I was safe now, that there was no danger.
Just then, a car approached quickly and pulled up in front of where we were standing. I tensed, pressing myself against the wall of the club, terrified. I didn’t even know why I was so scared. I just was.
I waited at a red light, not sure if I should turn left toward the convenience store or right toward home. I was tired, but hungry. I’d never be able to go to sleep with my stomach rumbling the way it was, and I didn’t know if there was food at home. I decided to turn left. I wasn’t even through the turn yet when I glanced to the side.
I hadn’t seen it coming. No lights, no warning, just a hulking shape barreling toward me.
I was going to die.
I knew it with the same certainty I’d known other things in my life. That my mother hated me. That my father had left because he’d hated her, not me. That Ava was my sister in all but blood.
I was going to die.
I couldn’t even scream, but I did throw my arm up over my face, the action more instinct than anything else.
A split second later, impact. Pain ripped through my left side and I felt my leg break with a muffled, sickening snap that I heard even through the crunch of metal and squeal of tires.
I screamed as I jerked to the right, my seatbelt keeping me in place and pulling tight against my chest. I felt new pain shoot through my ribcage and wondered if they’d broken too. The windshield collapsed inwards, showering me with glass, and I closed my eyes to keep them safe. Not that it really mattered because there was no way I was going to survive.
I felt the car flip, spinning in the air. I was too dizzy and disoriented to be sure how many times before colliding with a large object with another bone-jarring thud. Pain, and then black as my temple slammed against the doorframe. Darkness.
I looked up at the car that had come to a stop in front of us. A laughing couple got out and the driver tossed his keys to a valet. I dragged in a shaky breath as I tried to orient myself. There’s no danger now. There’s no danger now, I kept telling myself.
“God, Pres, you’re shaking.” I could only imagine how haunted I looked.
Dan went inside to get my coat – and to give Ava and me some privacy. I shook, rattled by the memory replaying in my head. Ava wrapped her arms around me and held me close.
“Ava,” I whispered. “I think I’m remembering stuff from the crash. I think it’s coming back.”
“Oh my god.” She squeezed me tighter and laid her head on my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, sweetie. I promise.”
I closed my eyes and remembered the feeling of certainty that I was about to die. “I saw it coming,” I told her quietly. “I didn’t see the car until too late to swerve out of the way. There were no headlights on. I put my arm up over my face right before it happened. I thought I was going to die.”
“Pres,” she whispered. “You’re safe now. You’re safe. It’s okay.”
I nodded, unable to speak. I knew she was right. But I couldn’t shake that feeling of desperation, the feeling that, no matter what I did, I was going to die.
“I think we should go home,” I murmured and felt Ava nod.
Dan reappeared, holding our coats. He offered to drive us back to the apartment since we’d taken the bus, and I was thankful that Ava agreed. I could trust her judgment more than my own right now.
Now that I remembered it, I knew I’d never forget what I’d felt that night. Or the realization that I’d been given a second chance. I needed to seize it, stop worrying about the past and get on with the future.
To my chagrin, Kris immediately popped into my head. For all my talk about wanting to keep myself at a distance, I knew I’d fallen in love with him. That was the most painful part of all, feeling betrayed by someone I’d fallen for. I’d started to believe that he’d fallen for me too. Clearly, I was kidding myself.
But was I?
I thought back to the things he’d said the last time I’d seen him. The heartbroken expression on his face.
Now, I wasn’t so sure that it’d
all
been a lie.
Chapter 20
Kris
I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I was back in that moment, reliving the instant everything had changed. It’d been bad enough when she’d tensed under my touch. Hard enough to look at her and know she thought I’d hurt her. But then to see the betrayal in her eyes when I’d said my real name and she realized just how deep the lies had gone.