Bittersweet (20 page)

E
VERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
an email would remind me that these messages could not be coming from my dad. Like today. The condom comment. My dad knew I made him a promise, and since I kept my promises there would be no need for condoms yet. My mouse hovered over the reply button. I almost clicked on it, but closed the browser instead. The emails kept him semi-alive. No need to change that.

Fourth of July dawned bright and hot. I had to work until four, then Dallas would pick me up and we’d spend the evening at his family’s party. Paris was working all day so he wouldn’t be there until late. Grant respectfully declined the party invitation, although I knew he was off at four. He wouldn’t tell me where he was going, but Julia slipped up and said he was going with her to see her family. This didn’t surprise me, seeing that the night of the barbeque I’d gone to bed before he came home.

Paris and I opened as loaders on The Demon Drop that morning. We wiped down the car while waiting for Angelica to finish locks.

“I fixed your Becca problem.”

“Oh, yeah? How’d you manage that?”

“I slept with her last night.”

I stopped wiping the car. “That’s supposed to help me how?”

“Because now she can obsess over me instead of Dallas.”

“You don’t understand girls at all, do you?”

He cocked his head.

“Have you seen her this morning yet?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“She pretty much ignored me.”

“Exactly. While I appreciate the effort, she’s probably still going to hate my guts.”

By ten, I’d already sweated through my shirt. When lunch came, I ate in the crowded lunchroom, enjoying the air conditioning. At three, I moved to exit loader at Cyclops, my last rotation for the day. I looked forward to the lake. As long as Dallas promised not to let go of me, I would go in the water with him.

Grant helped me load a boat and stood with me while I watched them go upside down. He crossed his arms.

“Jeff called in. You’ll have to stay until closing.”

“What? I get off at four. I can’t stay.”

“You had stars. That means I can keep you, and I’m going to have to. I’m sorry. I know you had plans, but this is the busiest day of the summer and we can’t afford to be understaffed. I might be able to let you go when breaks are done around eight-thirty. At least you’d still get to see the fireworks.”

Occasionally the scheduler would put stars next to your name for the day. That meant if someone didn’t show up for a shift you were obligated to fill in. Rarely did anyone have to use them.

“I’m deaf. I didn’t hear anything you just said. You stay here and run the ride while I go home.”

“I’m sorry.”

I sighed.

“Jeff’s not really sick, you know. He told me he was going to call in one of these days.”

“I can’t force him to come. He won’t be here tonight and you have stars.”

“This sucks.”

“If you want to go hide in the bathroom and text Dallas, I’ll watch this for a few minutes.”

“I can’t believe this.”

I took my time in the bathroom and tried not to cry. Dallas would be so disappointed. His family, too. I didn’t even realize I had stars.

When I got back to the ship, Grant handed me the ride keys.

“If it makes you feel any better, I have to stay too. My assistant called in.”

A smile twitched on my lips. “Yeah, but that’s no big deal because you didn’t have any plans anyway.”

He sighed. “Right.”

I walked toward the ship to load. “Though, if you need me to cover for you while you text Julia, I can.”

Every single row was filled. We’d never had a day like this. Grant waited for me back at the control booth.

“How did you know about that?” he asked the minute I finished my spiels.

I laughed. “Julia and I are quickly becoming best friends, so you might want to get used to it. I do have one bone to pick with you though. Aren’t you a little old for her?”

He stood next to the controls and watched the ship.

“You forget that your Dad was eleven years older than me. Julia is twenty. The age difference is only eight years, which may seem huge to you, but it’s not that much to an adult.
I’m
more concerned about the fact that I’m her boss.”

“My lips are sealed. Have you kissed her yet?”

He grinned at me. “I thought she told you everything.”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

The night was long and miserable. I had to work with Becca and all of her cronies who thought it was their personal mission to make me understand why Becca should be the one with Dallas.

At nine, Angelica pulled me back over to The Demon Drop.

“Do I get to go home?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“No, we’re doing four loaders.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s busy and we can get more trains out that way.”

I groaned. “Fine. How do we do that?”

“You’ll be rear exit loader. You start at row six and work back to twelve. It takes half the time. Becca will take one through five.”
I sighed.

“You know, I thought you liked me. Can’t you put anyone else there? She hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you, she’s just jealous.”

“Yeah, and that doesn’t look like hate at all.”

“Look, maybe if you’d just entertain the idea that Becca is a better match for Dallas, then she’d back off. Maybe you could talk her up to him, for when, you know, you go home.”

I rolled my eyes.

Becca and I met in the middle of the train. She waited for a couple to get into the car. Just before leaning down to check their seatbelts, she turned to me and hissed.

“If Dallas ever finds out how much you lie to him, he’ll break up with you.”

“Yeah, right. And I don’t lie to him, much.”

What the hell was she talking about?

Load train. Fume for thirty seconds. Meet in the middle. This time I addressed her first.

“I’ll bet you lie, too. Probably more than me.”

“I don’t, I’m just like him. That’s why we are perfect for each other.”

“You two wouldn’t last thirty seconds together, because he’d have to insult you every time you opened your mouth.”

Win. Load train. Gloat for thirty seconds, meet in the middle. She hissed again.

“I know you two haven’t even done it yet. I don’t understand why he’s putting up with it.”

“How do you know that?”

“Paris totally dished last night. Told me all kinds of things about Dallas. I bet I know more about him than you do.”

Score one for Becca. Load train. Sulk for thirty seconds, meet in the middle. Time to end this.

“You may think you know more than I do, but I bet I know something you don’t.”

“What’s that?”

“Paris lies, too.”

Becca was stony for the rest of the night. I suppose I wasn’t much better. All I could think about was that Dallas was on a boat with his family and hundreds of others. What if one of his mother’s friends had a daughter that he decided to watch the fireworks with? What if he kissed her? Then decided he liked her better? Our relationship would be over because I had stupid stars on Fourth of July.

The fireworks started at 9:55 on the dot and, being rear exit loader, I didn’t see any of them. Becca stood at the gate and watched them in between trains. I kind of hated her.

After we closed, the crew gathered by the dock box.

“Paris, are you coming to McDonald’s with us?” Angelica said.

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there.”

“Deanna, you coming?”

“Yeah, can I ride with you?”

“Sure, what about you, Becca?”

I shoved the water cooler back in the dock box and slowly took out my bag. I waited for someone to notice me, but no one did. They walked away and didn’t say a word to me. Not even Paris.

Not only was my Fourth of July ruined by work, but now I wasn’t even invited out with the rest of the crew. Aside from Becca, I thought we were getting along.

I waited until they were long gone. The night was warm, and I didn’t feel like going home, so I found a bench outside of The Demon Drop and stared up at the stars.

The sheer number of them always astounded me. The sky seemed bursting with them. I missed my dad. Fiercely. Every Fourth, we would watch the fireworks from out in a field and stay until long after the smoke cleared. Those were the nights when we made promises and shared secrets. Then he went and killed himself. On the Fourth of July, too.

Tears slid down my cheeks.

Since spilling my guts to Dallas, my emotions came so freely. Sometimes, too freely. It switched so quickly from one emotion to the other. After two years of nothingness, it was so difficult to understand.

I let my eyes drift shut for a moment. These days, tears came easily, but then so did the laughter. I still didn’t feel normal.

“What are you doing?”

I blinked and looked up at Dallas.

“Just thinking. What are you doing here?” I thought by now I’d be used to him, but his sheer presence made my heart threaten to jump ship.

“I had an idea.”

“What’s that?”

“Come on, I’ll show you.”

Dallas pulled me back into the Demon Drop queue line.

“Oh, you want to go make out in the tunnel?”

He laughed.

“Maybe, after. I was thinking it was time for you to ride a roller coaster.”

Oh, hell no.

I
’
M NOT READY
for that yet.”

He didn’t know the whole story. If he did, he wouldn’t be forcing me to do this. If he knew the whole story, he’d know that I could never get on one ever again. He certainly wouldn’t be trying to take me there on the anniversary of my father’s death.

Dallas had already pulled me up the stairs.

Grant poked his head out of the control booth. “I’m operating. Maintenance did an override, so we don’t need the other button. You ready?”

“Not yet.” Dallas had moved over to the train and was undoing the seatbelts in the front seats.

I looked at Grant desperately. “Have you been on a roller coaster since he died?”

“Yes, several. The first time was the hardest. It’s your turn.”

The truth about my dad’s death was known by very few. He did kill himself, but it wasn’t by hanging from a tree. That was a convenient lie I told when people asked how he died. I’d told it so often that sometimes I wished it were the truth. But the truth was messy and lead to more questions than answers.

There were things that even Grant didn’t know.

“Grant, I don’t think I’ll ever get back on one. I can’t. You weren’t with him. I was.”

Grant froze. “What do you mean? I thought he was by himself.”

I shook my head.

“Only a few people know. Mom, Dave, Gina and the police. But can you understand why this will never happen?” I motioned toward the train, where Dallas waited.