Authors: Jen Lancaster
Tags: #General, #Unemployed women workers, #Job Hunting, #Humorous fiction, #Business & Economics, #Careers, #Biography, #Jeanne, #Personal Memoirs, #Biography & Autobiography, #United States, #Women
Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office : A Memoir
Bitter Is the New Black
Bitter Is the New Black
Confessions of a condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered Smart-ass, or why you should never carry a Prada Bag to the unemployment office
A MEMOIR
Jen Lancaster
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First published by New American Library,
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Copyright © Jen Lancaster, 2006
All rights reserved
| REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA |
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Lancaster, Jen, 1967–
Bitter is the new black / Jen Lancaster.
p. cm.
ISBN: 1-4295-2152-x
1. Unemployed women workers—Nonfiction. 2. Job hunting—Nonfiction. I. Title.
PS3612.A54748B58 2006
813'.6—dc22 2005018193
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for my mom despite and because (but mostly because)
for kate who makes the impossible anything but
for auntie virginia and cousin stephen,
my style icon and the man who invented fun
and for fletch–thanks for doing all the
heavy lifting (with love and squalor)
CONTENTS
AUTHOR’S NOTE
This boutique-to-barrio tale is a modern Greek tragedy, as defined by Roger Dunkle in
The Classical Origins of Western Culture
: a story in which “the central character, called a tragic protagonist or hero, suffers some serious misfortune which is not accidental, and therefore meaningless, but is significant in that the misfortune is logically connected.”
In other words? The bitch had it coming.
And I am that bitch.
Bitter Is the New Black
is my story.
Although this memoir is based on real events in my life, I’ve taken a few liberties for the purpose of moving the story forward. In some cases names and places have been altered, characters combined, time compressed, and events taken out of sequence.
Regardless of these changes, I assure you, yes, I really
was
that bad.
First she was a seed,
and then she was trouble.
—TODD LANCASTER, DECEMBER
25, 1970
I do much better as a goddess,
she said, since my secretarial skills
have always been limited.
—BRIAN ANDREAS, IN
TRUSTI
N
G SOUL
PROLOGUE
LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
April 7, 1977
Dear Mrs. Lancaster:
Jennifer is one of the brightest and most articulate students in the fourth grade and a pleasure to have in my class. However, an incident today concerns me. During recess, I heard her remark to another student, “I can make Stacey Coopersmith do anything I want.”
I wanted to tell you, as I am sure you want to keep that kind of behavior in check.
Sincerely,
Mrs. C---
THE CAMPUS
Student Newspaper
3/15/84
Jeni—
Pls. see me re. Page One’s budget for next week’s issue. Although your proposed layout looks great, I’m not sure the headline for the Spring Break story should be
Jeni to Vacation in Europe
. As well, the story may be more interesting if you actually include a broad range of other students’ plans, and not just your own.
Thx,
C. H---
VIKINGS RADIO
2/10/85
Jennifer,
Broadcasting on the school radio is an awesome responsibility. If I did not think you were up to the challenge, I would not have awarded you your own show. However, I want to make it clear that you will
lose this slot
if we have a repeat of last night’s incident.
I spent my morning fielding calls from parents angry about your commentary. Regardless of your opinion, it is never “OK” to report that the Pep Step Dance Squad members “look fat in their new outfits” nor are you allowed to call them “boyfriend-stealing skanks.”
There are plenty of other students anxious to claim your spot if the editorializing continues. Do not let this happen again.
Mr. W---
University English Department
10/05/88
Miss Lancaster,
Congratulations on the commendable job on your essay exam. However, I regret to inform you that I must award you a B+, and not the A-you’d earned. Quite simply, I cannot tolerate your shouting at your neighbor to “stop chewing your gum like a damn cow” during the test.
The reverberation of giggles after your profane outburst was disruptive and inappropriate, and I had no choice but to dock your grade.
Prof. D---
“Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
William Shakespeare (1564–1616),
“A Midsummer Night’s Dream,”
Act 2, Scene 2
pi beta phi•pi beta phi•pi beta phi•pi beta phi
january 21, 1991
jen,
congrats on the most faboo party!! it was our best ever, thanks to you! you rule as rush chairwoman…major snaps!!
however, the exec board has overturned the $100 fines you slapped on sisters not wearing green at the emerald city event. we think your attention to detail is totally awesome, but those fines were way harsh.
pi love and mine,
pres. r---
p.s. we’ve also turned down your request to fine anyone who called you “hitler” during the party—we were totally joking!!
pi beta phi•pi beta phi•pi beta phi•pi beta phi