Big Girls Do It on Top (3 page)

Because so far, in my experience, it's not that easy. Getting swept away is scary, in reality. It's not all love stories and fairy tales." I looked at her over the rim of my wine glass. "You don't know what's happening, and everything you feel is freaking intense as hell, and nothing makes any sense and it's just...scary. It's not like, oh, hey, hot guy who likes me, let's go live happily ever-fucking-after. When you're as damaged as we are, a guy tries to sweep you away and you're like oh, hell no, I'm running. Screw this. I'm gonna go back to what's familiar."

Jamie nodded. "Yeah, that sounds about right." She smiled at me. "So if you've got that much figured out, then why haven't you done anything about Jeff or Chase?"

"Because I'm scared shitless, that's why." I laughed. "Avoiding them both is easier than being rejected. I hurt them, and now I don't have the guts to ask for forgiveness."

Jamie frowned, pointed at me with the index finger wrapped around her wine glass. "Well, woman the hell up,
chica
. You've fought off guys in bars, broken cue sticks and beer bottles over the heads of drunk assholes, and been through more insane shit than most guys I know and come through fine. Well, mostly fine. The point is, don't let this own you, girl. I'm serious. If you let this go, we'll be for real fighting. Don't be an idiot. Find Jeff and apologize and beg him, on your hands and knees, to take you back. Or fly to New York and get Chase to take you back. Something.

Anything. Get them both here and have a threesome. Don't just sit around with your head up your ass. That's the only wrong choice in this situation."

She didn't give me a chance to respond. She downed her wine and wove her way unsteadily into her bedroom.

"I'm right, Anna, and you know it. Get off your ass. Right now."

"I'm drunk right now," I pointed out.

"Well, tomorrow, then. Drunk is never the right time to make major life decisions.
Talk
about major life decisions, yes.
Do
something about them?

Not s'much. G'night, Anna."

"Night." I watched her flop onto her bed and start snoring immediately.

I've always envied her ability to go right to sleep. It always takes me a while, even drunk. I finished my wine, set her glass and mine by the sink, turned off the lights and shut Jamie's door. Alone, the silence was deafening. I heard Jamie's words in my head, rolling over and over:
Do
something, anything. Get off your ass, girl.

I lay down in bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking.

Enough running, Anna. No more cowardice.

I told myself I was going to call Jeff in the morning. Better yet, go to his house. Face him in person.

Oh, hell.

* * *

Jeff's Yukon was in his driveway, his front door was open, and I could see him through the storm door, sitting at the kitchen table in front of his laptop. My stomach was in my throat, my heart pounding in my chest like a high school drum line.

I was in my car, willing myself to get out. It wasn't working. My feet were planted to the floorboard, my ass rooted to the ripped cloth seat. My eyes were already burning, my throat thick, my hands trembling.

I had no idea what I was going to say.

Jeff's back was to me and he had earbuds in, so he didn't see me pull up in his driveway or hear my car rattle down the street. He was oblivious.

Would he slam the door in my face? Would he lead me inside and tell me he forgave me?

I forced myself out of the car. Took a step. Another. A third, and then I was at the door, the glass pane rattling under my trembling knuckles. Jeff looked over his shoulder, the pen in his mouth dropping to the floor.

He pulled the earbuds out of his ears and tossed them aside, closed the laptop, and moved across the smal living room. He stopped in front of the door, his features schooled into neutrality. No anger showed, no sadness or condemnation. Blank.

After an eternity, he opened the door, but he didn't let me in. He stepped out onto the concrete slab that was his front porch. My eyes were blurry and stinging for some reason. I wasn't crying, though. Really.

Okay, so maybe I was, a little.

A long, fraught silence hung between us.

"Jeff, I—I'm sorry. I just wanted to stop by and say that I'm back in Detroit, and—I don't know." I couldn't look at him. "That's it, I guess."

He hadn't said anything yet, hadn't even changed his blank expression. I turned to leave, heart heavy and cracking.

I felt his hand wrap around my elbow. "Anna, wait." I tried not to let hope blossom too fully in my chest. "Why don't you come in and have some coffee?"

It was two in the afternoon, but for Jeff, coffee was an all-day thing. Leftover habit from the Army, I guess. I nodded and followed Jeff inside. I'd only been gone a few days, but it felt like longer. It felt like a lifetime. I realized, as I watched his broad back retreat into the kitchen, how very much I'd missed him. Had going to New York been the worst mistake of my life? It was hard not to think so, in light of my feelings of Chase's betrayal, whether he was guilty or not.

I sat down at the little round table, remembering breakfast here with Jeff, after what had been one of the best nights of my life. It hadn't been wild or acrobatic or daring, just satisfying on an emotional level. It was companionship.

I'd left it all behind for a few days of fun that hadn't panned out into more. And what if it had? What if I'd just stayed in New York with Chase? He'd be a huge rock star someday soon, traveling the world, playing shows in exotic locations. It was just a matter of time. Would I have gone with him?

Stood backstage and watched every show every day for months on end? Sat in hotel rooms, waiting for him to get back? Attended insane after-parties like the one in New York? Would any of that have fulfilled me? Would he have been faithfull all that time?

There were too many questions pounding in my head, and Jeff was sitting across from me, a huge mug with the U.S. Army logo stamped on it held in both of his hard, calloused hands.

"New York didn't work out for you, huh?" Jeff asked.

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about New York."

Jeff's eyes narrowed. "He hurt you."

A short, tense silence, in which I tried to keep my feelings bottled up inside where they belonged. I couldn't just dump it all on Jeff.

"I said I don't want to talk about New York. I came to apologize for hurting you, and that's it. I—I didn't mean to hurt you. That doesn't help, I guess, but I had to say it." I sipped my coffee to buy time to think, burning my tongue. "I got your email when I got back in to Detroit. I don't know how you can say you're still my friend after the way I—after I—"

Jeff interrupted. "Anna, you'll always be my friend. You can't hurt me bad enough to kill that. I care about you. No matter what."

"You're a better person than I am," I said. "I'm not sure I could do the same, if the situations were reversed."

"I don't buy that," Jeff said. "You're a good person."

"No, I'm not. I wouldn't have left if I was."

"Well ..." Jeff seemed conflicted. "You did leave. It did hurt. But does that make you a bad person? That's not for me to judge."

"This is a confusing conversation. I just came to apologize. I'm not...I'm not trying to get—to ask you to..." I couldn't get the words out.

I stood up and walked to the sliding glass door, watching a robin hop across Jeff's backyard. Jeff was making me even more mixed up inside. He seemed both deeply hurt and impossibly understanding. I didn't know how to deal with either one, much less both at once.

"To what?" Jeff said. "You're not asking me to what? Spit it out."

I shook my head. "No. It's stupid to think of it, and not gonna happen. I don't deserve it, and I don't even know if I want it."

"Say it."

"No." I felt Jeff coming up behind me, standing an inch away, his body heat radiating into me, not touching me, his breath ruffling my hair. "Don't, Jeff. I apologized, and now I'm leaving."

"You didn't apologize," Jeff said. "Just told me you were sorry. That's not an apology."

I turned around, angry now. "You want me to say the words? Fine. Jeff, I apologize for hurting you. Please forgive me." The words started out angry, irritated, but ended up as a cracked-voice sob.

Jeff's hands clutched my shoulders, held me at arm's length. "I forgive you, Anna." His dark eyes pierced into mine, a welter of emotion in his gaze.

"You shouldn't."

He laughed. "Of course I should. Friends forgive each other."

"Okay. So now what?"

"You tell me."

"It's not that easy," I said. "You can't just say 'I forgive you' and have everything go back to the way it was."

"Of course not," Jeff said. "But it's a start."

Jeff sat down at the table again and sipped his coffee. I joined him, and we drank in silence.

"What happened?" Jeff asked.

"You don't want to know."

"Sure I do. You're my friend. Something happened to rile you up and send you back to Detroit."

"Jeff, you really don't want to know. We're more than friends, and you know it. At least, we were. I don't know what we are now, but you don't want to know about New York."

"Don't tell me what I want," Jeff growled, anger final y showing in his voice. "We were more than friends. We stil are. Now tell me what the fuck happened in New York."

"What do you want to know?" I felt myself on the verge of exploding, and I couldn't stop it. "Do you want to hear that Chase and I fucked like bunnies? That it was crazy and wild and I never wanted to stop? Or do you want to hear that even when I was with him I couldn't stop thinking about
you
? That I felt guilty with him because it felt like cheating on you? Is that what you want?"

"Anna, I—"

"Or would you like me to get more detailed? Do you want a play-by-play description of positions? Is that it? What do you want, Jeff? You can't honestly still want me after this, can you? What was it you said before we ever hooked up? Oh, yeah, I remember. You said you didn't want Chase's sloppy seconds. Well, I've got news for you, Jeff. That's what you'll be getting. Chase's really sloppy fucking seconds."

Jeff's eyes wavered, angry, hurt, confused, and still pinning me to the wall with impossible understanding. "Anna, now hold on, I already told you, I didn't mean that—"

I didn't let him finish yet again. "You want to know what happened? Why I came back? I found Chase in an alley after his show with a couple of girls al over him. I bolted. I didn't give him a chance to explain. I just left. I was on a flight home within two hours. It just made me so mad. It may not have been what I thought it was, because girls have a tendency of throwing themselves at Chase." I looked away. "Just like I did."

"Fuck," Jeff sighed. "The way I saw it, he threw himself at you. Granted, I didn't see it all, but that's the impression I got. He didn't seem like your type, to be honest."

"My type?"

"Yeah, I mean, he's all pretty boy rock star or whatever, and I've never seen you go after guys like that."

"Because I never thought I was enough for a guy like him."

"Damn it, Anna. You're beautiful. I know you have a hard time believing that, or seeing it in yourself, but it's true." Jeff touched my jaw, turning my gaze back to his. "
I
see it, Anna. You were always enough for me."

"Even after—"

"Yes. I'm not saying I'm not hurt and pissed off at you. I am. What I'm saying is, I'd be willing to try, if you were. If you want to give Chase another chance, then I guess that's your choice. I wouldn't, personally. I mean, even if it wasn't like you thought, and he wasn't really doing anything, he'd end up doing it one day. No guy can have women throw themselves at him like that and not give in sometime."

I didn't know what to say. Was he serious?

"Jeff, I—I don't know."

"You don't have to know right now," Jeff said. "Hell, I'm not even sure. I know I care about you. I know I'm sorry you got hurt. I know I've really missed you."

"Do you feel like I betrayed you?"

Jeff sighed. "Yeah, kinda." He refilled his coffee and spoke without looking at me while doctoring it. "I felt like we had a damn good thing going, and it could've been more, could've been even better. But then that pretty boy sends you one stupid letter and you run off to him without a second thought."

He sat down and looked at me. "Listen, I do understand. It was one of those things where you would've spent your whole life wondering 'what if.'

You had to find out. Now you know, and you can move on."

"You're amazing, Jeff. I don't know what to say." I couldn't believe he was even giving me the time of day.

"I care about you. I'm not saying I'l trust you all the way again right off the bat. We'd have to take things slow for a while, because I am stil a bit sore, you know? But you're back, and I...I just can't seem to picture my life without you in it, somehow."

I couldn't help crying at that. It was quiet tears, slow and burning down my face.

"Don't cry, Anna. You're gonna be fine. We'll be fine. One day at a time, okay?"

"I've been back for almost two weeks, you know that? I've spent every moment wondering what you'd say, how you'd react, thinking you'd be so mad."

"What, you think I'd yell at you? Scream and call you names?" Jeff seemed almost insulted by the thought.

"Well, I don't know! All I knew was I'd hurt you, and I didn't deserve—"

"Forget the talk about deserving. We are who we are. People who really love us wil do so even when we hurt them."

"So you love—"

"Let's go get something to eat," Jeff interrupted. "I'm hungry."

It was awkward at first. We drove in Jeff's truck, a tense silence between us. Neither of us knew what we were, where we really stood. We hadn't settled anything, real y. We'd just sort of...stopped talking about it. What else was there to say, really, though? Either things would work out, or they wouldn't. No amount of talking would get us past what had happened.

The funny thing was, I realized as we sat down together at Max and Erma's, we'd both just kind of assumed we'd try to...not pick up where we'd left off, but move on, be together in some way.