Between a Rock and a Hard Place (16 page)

She was about to set her phone down on the end table when it rang again. She almost dropped it when she saw “Mom” displayed on the LCD screen.  She let it ring while she stared at the large white letters.  She was motionless, frozen by fear and apprehension.  She never thought her mother would call again. Dozens of questions bounced around in her head.  Was her mother ready to reconcile?  Was she ready to accept her lifestyle?  Was she going to apologize for the horrible things she said about Tommy and Angel?  Why was she calling now?  After so many months?

Tommy snuck up beside her to see what she was staring at. “Answer it!” he snapped, as soon as he saw her mother’s name on the phone.

She quickly pressed the button and put the phone to her ear, but she didn’t say anything.  Her breath was stuck in her lungs.  There was silence on both ends of the phone.

“Jessi?  Are you there?”  It was her mother’s sweet voice.  Not the harsh, accusatory tone that reeked of disappointment and the undercurrent that haunted every conversation they had since she was 13 years old.

She didn’t know if it was the need for her mother’s approval, or relief that her mother had finally reached out to her, or both, that made Jessi’s chest heave and her chin quiver.  It was hard not to snivel into the cell phone.  “M’Mom?”

“Yes, dear.  I thought it was time we spoke.  We need to put our differences aside.  We need to reconnect.  You’re slipping away from us.”

Her hand gripped her forehead as she pinched her eyes closed.  She was afraid to speak, afraid her voice would unravel her emotions and she would start to cry.  She didn’t realize everyone was quiet and watching her, until Tommy gently took her by the elbow and escorted her out of the family room.  She kept walking, without looking at anything except the granite floor under her feet, until she was in front of the door to Angel’s office and she slipped inside.

“Are you still there, Jessi?”

“Yeah, I’m still here, Mom.  I . . . I just can’t believe you called, that’s all.”  She started to regain her composure and her voice was steady.  Happy.

“Ella and Maggie have been telling me and your father about your accomplishments. Your designs, your store and your graduation.”

She should have known that finishing her education was what prompted her mother’s call.  Her mother never stopped pushing her to get her degree.  “You were right.  I should have stuck it out at FIT.  It was only a few months.  I was young, and I thought I didn’t need my degree because I got that high paying job as an associate designer.”  She reminded herself that she wasn’t moving forward with the conversation until her mother apologized.  “I meant what I said, you know.  I need you to apologize for the things you said about Tommy.  And Angel.  You have to apologize for the names you called them.”

“I’ve been thinking about that, dear, and I am sorry.  It’s not nice to call people names.”

Jessi clenched her hand over her mouth in order to hold her emotions together.  She fought the tears that wanted to run down her cheeks.  Her ears buzzed as she squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her lips together.  She could hear her father in the background, asking questions and she was surprised he wasn’t listening in on the other extension.  “How’s Dad?”

“He’s fine.  He sends his regards.”

There was another long silence while she waited for her mother to ask about Tommy or about the band, but she didn’t.  Jessi was confused by her mother’s disinterest, so she offered the information.  “Tommy just got back from Asia this morning.  The band’s about to start a European tour.”

“Are you still talking about that band all the time?”  The agitation crept back into her mother’s voice and Jessi knew the conversation was about to take a turn downward.  “Let them go their own way, Jessi.  Ella told me you’ve been separated for the last month.”

“Separated?  Tommy and I aren’t separated.  He went to Asia while I finished up classes at FIT.”

“Well, it’s the same thing.”

“No.  It’s not.  I couldn’t wait for him to come home.  I missed him.  And I missed Angel.”

“You don’t need to be involved with that band anymore.  You have your store to worry about.”

“I hired staff to run the store.  I’m going on tour with Immortal Angel.”  They were back to their usual game where she was forced to defend her decisions.  “I still have a job with Falcon Records.  I’m not giving that up just because I opened a store.”

“Jessi, you’re finally getting your life together.  Stop fooling around with that nonsense.  Concentrate on
your
life.”

“Immortal Angel
is
my life.  Yes, I have my store and my career as a designer, but the music and the stage are in my soul.  I need to be part of it.”

Her mother sighed and Jessi imagined her rolling her eyes.  “It’s time you break away from all that.  It’s time you break away from Tommy and that band.”

“Break away from Tommy?  What the hell are you talking about?”

“Let him live his life.  You both need to move on.”

Jessi was paralyzed by anger, shock and pain.  She thought they were rekindling their relationship.  She thought her parents wanted to make amends.  She thought they were beginning to understand or at least trying to accept her choices, but she was wrong.  Nothing about them had changed.  Her mother was still trying to manipulate her and belittled her into a teenage girl fighting for her independence.

“You need to divorce Tommy and let him be with that man.  The way you’re living is wrong.  It’s immoral.”

It was a shotgun blast to her chest.  It took her breath away and she fought for air.  Her ribcage tightened around her heart and shredded it like a razor.  Jessi dug deep to find her voice, but it shook with pain and anger.  “Is that why you called me?  To tell me to divorce Tommy again?  I’m not leaving Tommy!  I love him!  And I love Angel!  We all love each other! Why can’t you understand that?  Why did you call me?”

“Because you don’t need him.  You don’t – ”

“Stop it!  Just stop!  Don’t call me again!  I’m not going to defend my marriage!  Just leave me alone!”  She clicked the phone off and threw it on Angel’s desk.  Her whole body shook from the turmoil that ate away at her gut and her heart.  Angry tears filled her eyes, but she wouldn’t let herself cry.  She wouldn’t let them break her spirit.  They wanted to wear her down so she would crumble and succumb to their demands.  That’s all they ever wanted to do, but it had the opposite effect.  It made her stronger.  Defiant.  It fueled her willpower.

Despite her strong resolve, she choked out a sob as soon as Tommy walked into the room.  It was just one moment of weakness that caught her off guard.  It was probably because she was still unused to having Tommy back home, and the sight of him gave her comfort, not because of the lack of support from her mother.  At least her father didn’t get on the phone this time so they both could berate her.  It didn’t matter that her mother apologized.  It mattered that her mother judged her lifestyle and no longer accepted Tommy as part of her life.

Jessi clung to Tommy and rested her head on his shoulder.  She knew he thought it was because she was upset and that was partly true, but more than anything she missed his embrace.  She missed the way his strong arms wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her into his body.  She adored the way he pressed his cheek against hers and the way his lips gently pressed against the side of her face.  She missed the rippling muscles in his back underneath her hand.  She missed resting her head on the round muscles of his chest and listening to the soft beat of his heart in her ear.

He didn’t need to say anything.  He only needed to hold her.

A soft tapping on the open door made her lift her head from Tommy’s shoulder.

Damien rested his hand on the edge of the open door and poked his head inside.  “Is it alright if I talk to Jessi?”

She nodded and he stepped into the room.  It wasn’t his usual carefree bounce.  He shuffled his feet and he looked troubled.  His hands were stuffed into the front pockets of his jeans.  Only the tattooed backs of his hands were visible.  They were inked with the traditional one half of the happy/sad theater masks.  Only, they were both sad masks.  The happy counterpart was missing.  Her eye never registered it before.

Damien’s eyes shifted to Tommy.  “Can I talk to her alone?”

Tommy was hesitant and didn’t answer, so she nodded for him to go.

“Are you sure you’re OK, hon?”

She nodded and put her arms around him.  “I’m just happy you’re home.”

His lips grazed her cheek and his warm breath echoed in her ear.  He gave her hand a little squeeze and he kissed her cheek again before he left the room.

Damien shut the door and dragged his feet as he walked over to the couch.  “I want to talk to you about something.”  He sat down and patted the seat next to him.  He sat hunched over with his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor for a long time.  His face twisted into an angry and resentful scowl that disturbed and scared her.

Jessi didn’t know what to expect, so she didn’t press him.  She sat with her hands in her lap and waited until he was ready to speak, which happened after about six minutes of the most awkward silence she ever endured.  When he said he wanted to talk to her alone, she assumed it was about her fight with her parents, but now she realized he wanted to talk about himself.

“I don’t have a mother anymore.”  His eyes hardened to an icy steel.  They were cold, devoid of life, filled with loathing.

There were only a few instances in Jessi’s life that left her speechless, but the look on Damien’s face and the intensity in his eyes toppled the competition.

“I never really had a mother.  She never loved me.”  He tightened his clasped fingers together until his knuckles turned white.  “I’m surprised she let me live in her house for as long as she did.  It wasn’t like I really lived there anyway.  I probably slept in the car or on the street more nights than I did under the same roof with that woman and the drunken scumbags she brought home.”

His face twitched from the pressure of his clenched jaw and the noise of his teeth grinding together sounded like gravel crunching under a car tire.  Although he appeared angry, she could see that it was just a screen to camouflage his pain.  She put her arm around his shoulder, but he flinched sharply under her touch.  His reaction didn’t entirely surprise her, but it was unsettling to see someone who needed comfort reject it.  Reluctantly, she put her hand back in her lap.  “Your mother loves you, Damien.  Whatever happened – ”

“No she doesn’t.  She hates me.  She made sure I knew it every day, either by the words she spewed at me, or with the back of her hand.  I pretended it didn’t bother me.  I pretended I didn’t care, but it tore me up inside.  That’s why I turned to drugs and alcohol.  I thought it would make me forget the bullshit that bitch put me through, but it didn’t.  It only made it worse.  If it weren’t for Angel and his mom, and Alyssa, I’d be dead right now.  Alyssa’s the reason I straightened my life out and the only reason I stay sober.”

Jessi knew about Damien’s sobriety and she knew that Damien was close with Angel’s family, but the sad story about his miserable childhood and his abusive mother was heart wrenching.  She didn’t care about her own family problems anymore.  They were nothing compared to what Damien endured.  She wanted to put her arms around him and hold him, but she knew it would invade his personal and emotional space.  “I’m sorry you had to go through that, but you turned your life around.  You’re happy now.  You’re successful and talented.  And you’re married to someone who really loves you.”

“I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am.  I know I have people who love me, now.  Most of them are out there in your living room right now.”

He held out his forearm and lightly fingered one of his countless tattoos.  It was Immortal Angel’s logo, the tattoo that they all got when the tour stopped in Ohio. Jessi looked down at the inside of her wrist, which carried the same logo.  Damien leaned over to examine it.  He moved his arm closer to compare the matching tattoos until their arms were touching.  This time he didn’t flinch, but kept his arm against hers, sharing the bond created by the same brand inked into their skin, and by his admission of personal hardship.

With his harsh mohawk and blood and guts tattoos, Damien’s look wasn’t for the faint of heart, but on the inside he was a pussycat.

“That shit with . . .” he grimaced and the pain returned to his eyes, “that shit with that woman who used to be my mother will never go away.  I still fight those demons.”

He pulled his shirt over his head, exposing an array of macabre tattoos.  It wasn’t the gruesome scene of devils and skeletal remains that startled Jessi; it was the well-defined six pack and chiseled muscles that made her eyes bolt wide open.  She’d seen him with his shirt off on stage before, but the dim lights and bass guitar, strung across his torso, hid his magnificent upper body.  And why hadn’t Alyssa ever mentioned that Damien possessed the abs of a body builder?

Damien pointed to the row of demons the emanated from his chest and traveled up to his neck.  “I had these done while I was still in a bad place.  They represent the evils inside of me that tried to choke the life out of me.”  He turned away from her so she could see the oversized fire breathing gargoyle that covered his back from shoulder to waist.  It was eerie and frightening, but the detail was exquisite.  Every scale that covered the large creature was intricately drawn in shades of black and gray.  The fire that breathed from its large nostrils was vivid orange, red and yellow, and it jumped out against the darker colors of the gargoyle.