Better Than Good (7 page)

He got back to his feet and looked up at me. He kissed me gently, but I needed more than a chaste peck. I licked at his mouth until he opened up for me, and I tasted myself on his tongue. It was exhilarating. I couldn’t believe what had just happened here.

“Good night, Matty.” I opened my eyes quickly as Aaron broke the kiss and stepped away from me.

“Don’t you want me to….” I know I was blushing. I couldn’t even say the words out loud. I could feel the high from the most amazing orgasm I’d ever experienced crash around me, leaving me feeling more unsure and awkward than I’d felt in a years.

“No, you don’t have to… but thank you.” He moved toward his door and opened it as I struggled to get myself back together.

“Are you okay? Did I do… or not do something I should have?” I was stumbling and probably making a total ass of myself, but I had to know where we stood. I didn’t know him very well, but the desire to change that was instinctual. The problem was I needed his guidance. I was in over my head.

“Don’t be silly. You’re fabulous. And sexy as hell. But it is three, probably later now, in the morning and….”

“Yeah, sorry. You’re right. I’ll go now. Can I… can I call you?” I probably sounded desperate but wasn’t sure how to play it cool now.

“Sure. Yes. See you, Matty.” Aaron’s expression was guarded now. It was time to retreat, and he was right, it was really late. I’m sure I was no longer thinking clearly anyway.

I bent down and gently kissed him on the lips, then once again on his forehead before I turned and walked to the elevator. I looked back at his door once more while I waited and saw him leaning on the doorframe, watching me. He gave me a small wave and a tired smile before closing the door.

I kept my head as clear as possible as I rode the elevator down. The cool early morning air helped me keep calm. I reached my car, climbed inside, and felt the wall begin to crumble. I began to shake. I struggled to get myself under control, thinking at first it was just the cold from outside that had me shaking. The tears were harder to explain. What was I doing? I was a grown man sitting in my car crying after experiencing the most intense blow job ever. Oh, yeah… given by a man. I knew I had more to deal with now than cheating on my girlfriend. I needed to figure out who I was, what I wanted. Because I couldn’t deny I wanted Aaron.

3

I
N
THE
weeks that followed, I thought of Aaron constantly. I didn’t contact him again. I knew I was the one with issues. He was kind enough to put it mildly, but I understood the ball was in my court. To say I was confused didn’t scratch the surface.

I was ridiculously busy with school projects and working at the law firm. I knew I was using school and work as a means of escape. I was putting off dealing with something I knew wasn’t going away anytime soon. I spoke to Kristin a few times on the phone, and our conversations were polite but stilted. I had a feeling she knew something was up. Heck, maybe she was trying to figure out how to break up with me. The problem for me wasn’t only that I realized I needed out of my relationship with Kristin. It was more about trying to figure out what I wanted after that. Aaron hadn’t called me, which should clue me in to the fact that maybe he wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him. It was all a little pathetic.

Thanksgiving was around the corner, and for the first time since I had left for college, I was really looking forward to going home. I was looking forward to the things I knew I could count on, like my mother’s cooking, watching football with my dad and my brother, listening to my teenage twin sisters bicker about chores and clothes swapping, and our old lab panting at my feet, begging for scraps of food at the dinner table. I craved something I could be sure of since I certainly wasn’t feeling sure of myself.

I was from a small town outside of Pittsburgh. I didn’t go home often anymore. School and now my internship kept me tied to the city. So when I did visit, it usually worked out that I was really excited to see everyone for the first couple of days, on my way to annoyed the third day, and really ready to get back to DC by day four. I guess that is family for you.

It was no different this visit, with one exception. Me. I participated in all the family traditions. I played a game of touch football with our extended family on Thanksgiving morning, helped dad bring chairs and tables out of storage for the traditional feast, roughhoused with my brother, and teased my older sister and the twins. But I noticed my mom watching me a little more closely than usual. She asked, as she always did, about whom I was dating, about Kristin. She was curious about when she had gone home to visit her family in New York and what sorts of things we’d been up to recently. Innocent stuff, like what movies or restaurants had we been to. But she must have read something in my responses, because she didn’t delve as deep as usual, and I noticed her watchful eye on me during my entire stay. She was worried about me, and what could I say… I was worried about me too.

On my last morning at home, I decided to go for an early run. There had been a light snow the night before, leaving our quiet tree-lined residential street with a whisper of white on every surface. As I had told Aaron, I didn’t run often, but I was looking forward to it this morning. Almost as if, by participating in something he enjoyed doing, I could be close to him. Crazy, I know.

I was doing a few last-minute stretches before taking off when I heard my brother, Sean, call after me.

“Wait up!” He bounded down the front steps of our parents’ two-story colonial, slamming the door behind him. I’m sure our parents loved that.

“Hey, I saw you about to take off. I’m going for a run too, so we may as well go together.” Sean gave me a devilish smile. The kind of smile that usually meant trouble, although I didn’t see what harm him joining me would do. Besides, unlike Aaron, I don’t talk much when I run, and the company was nice.

Well, maybe not. Sean wanted to talk. And he wasn’t really capable of running and talking, which meant he was panting and running or we were jogging really slowly. Not what I had in mind.

Sean is older than me by a year. He’s technically my stepbrother. My mom married his dad when I was five and my sister, Shelly, was seven. Our twin sisters, Sarah and Samantha, were born a couple years later. Sean and I have always been tight. He was the one who always got into trouble, and I was usually stupid enough to follow. He’d always possessed boundless energy and enthusiasm. Sean was an avid outdoorsman, and like myself, a lover of all sports. He was one of those people who was constantly in motion and always talking. The only thing was, he wasn’t much of a runner.

As we slowly started down our street, it started. He chattered about everything from the weather (cold as a witch’s tit) to our cousin Jessica’s baby announcement during Thanksgiving dinner (awkward, and will she ever marry that bum?) to how the Steelers should crush it again this year. Mostly I listened. Sean didn’t usually require response. He just liked an audience. Which was why I missed his question until he literally stopped midrun in exasperation. I turned back, jogging in place, and asked what was up.

“I asked you a question, moron. What is up with you? You’re being weird.”

I sighed and inclined my head, indicating I would talk if he would run. He gave an even bigger sigh and jogged to catch up.

“I’m probably going to break things off with Kristin.” It was really the only safe explanation I had for my distractedness. I should have known he wouldn’t buy it.

“So? Come on, man. It’s pretty obvious that she isn’t the one. Don’t tell me she’s breaking out the wedding magazines?”

“Well, not exactly. But there’s been wedding talk because some friends are tying the knot. It’s not that, though. I just… I don’t know. I feel like I’m being unfair to her. I’m not that into it, and I guess I just need to make a clean break.” I paused for a couple minutes, during which Sean was remarkably silent. “I forgot to call her on Thanksgiving. I actually didn’t think about it until the next day, and I felt terrible. When I did call she was a little hurt but was understanding. She said she got that I was busy with all the family over, yada yada…. And that’s another thing, I guess. She never gets angry and doesn’t really have any expectations of me. Which, yeah, that’s great… except I get the feeling you’re supposed to have those expectations about someone you care about. Like you’d be mortally offended if your significant other didn’t respect you enough to think of you on a major holiday.”

I wasn’t going to mention who I did think of all day. I actually had sent him a text too. My first attempt at communication in a couple weeks. He returned the simple “Happy Thanksgiving” from me with a smile face emoticon and “Happy Turkey Day, Matty.” It was funny how that silly exchange had me smiling for the rest of the day. I was able to forget for a while that I needed to deal with Kristin when I got back to DC, and deal with myself. Was I bi? Probably. Or just gay for Aaron? And even if I acknowledged the bi part, to myself at least, was I ready to pursue a relationship with a man? No one who knew me had the slightest idea I was attracted to men. This would be more involved than I was able to comprehend at the moment.

“Wow. You really are an asshole.” Sean shook me out of my inner reverie. “You don’t call her on Thanksgiving and then don’t like that she wasn’t really pissed at you when you finally remember her the next fucking day. I thought I was the one with the heartbreaker rep. Turns out it’s Saint Matthew breaking the girls’ hearts.”

“Fuck off. I’m just trying to tell you that I acknowledge I was a dick. I’m not who I want to be or who I should be with Kristin. We both deserve something or someone else. Maybe I just need to concentrate on finishing my degree and working at the law firm right now. Relationships are too taxing. Ya know?”

Sean gave me an appraising look, though to his credit, he didn’t stop jogging.

“You’re full of shit. I’m your brother. I know you. Who is she? I know there’s someone else. I saw your face on Thanksgiving when you got that text message.” I gave him an incredulous look. “What? I can put two and two together. Lower the sound on your ringer, man. Basically you advertised that you were getting a text, you read it, and then got all moony. You went from being all quiet and moody to life of the party…. Slight exaggeration, maybe, but I know you. Something else is going on too.” He looked at me, expecting some big explanation. He rolled his eyes at me when he realized I wasn’t sharing.

“Hey, Matt? Seriously, though. Just be happy. Kristin is a nice girl, but you’re right. You need something different. If your secret texter is what you need, go for it. You deserve to be happy.” This was a surprise. I didn’t say anything right away as I half-wondered what Sean would say if he knew who my “secret texter” was.

“So, if you’re done with her, can I give her a call?” Okay, so maybe I wasn’t surprised. “I’ll wait an appropriate amount of time. What should it be? Maybe a week or two?” He ruined his request with the stupid grin, letting me know he was after my reaction and not my soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.

“Now who’s the asshole?” I picked up my pace, but Sean kept up with me.

“You’re a prick.”

“I know you are but what am I?” And on it went.

We were both sweaty and gross when we finally got back to the house. Sean wanted to challenge me to a game of horse at the old basketball hoop in our driveway. It was a game we’d played together for the nineteen years we’d been saddled with each other through our parents’ marriage. It was a great way to restore my equilibrium. I was suddenly very thankful for my family. Somehow I felt a little more prepared to deal with the real world.

D
EALING
with the real world was overrated. I was slammed with memos and papers to write at school. Finals were around the corner. Plus there was a big case one of the lawyers at the firm was working on and I was given the daunting task of research, which meant hours poring through law journals. It was easy to stay in full denial with my current workload. I dodged calls from Kristin and made a point of returning her calls when I knew she was in class. My brother was right… I was an asshole. It was eating me up, though. I knew I would have to talk to Kristin. Avoidance would only work for so long.

The following Friday morning, my cell rang very loudly at an ungodly hour. Sean was right, I needed to turn the ringer down. Because I was startled out of sleep, I didn’t check to see who the caller was. It was Kristin. I was groggy with sleep, and I struggled to figure out what my approach should be. I hadn’t formulated a plan, and 6:00 a.m. on any given day wasn’t the best time to begin. As luck would have it, I got another reprieve. She was calling to remind me that she would be at a bachelorette party that weekend but was really hoping we could grab a bite to eat or something Sunday night. Of course I agreed. That gave me a two-day reprieve. Until she dropped the other reminder.

I’d really only been half-listening but tuned in when she repeated her questions.