Authors: Rachel Higginson
“That’s my plan. I’m going to stop by before I head home.”
“Good luck,” she said sincerely. She walked around the kitchen counter and gave me a sweet hug.
“Thanks. Have fun in Minnesota!” I drawled out the “o” like only those from Wisconsin and Minnesota could and then I squeezed her tight. “I’ll see you when you get back.”
“Love ya,” she said when we finally let go.
“Love you too!”
I walked down to my car more confused than ever. Britte’s concerns with Beckett started to resonate a little too close to home. Were Fin and I just too different? He was a great guy and I was absolutely crazy to pass this up, but would I still feel good about everything between us if I gave in?
“Ellie? Can we talk?”
“Ah!” I screamed. Colton was leaning against the trunk of my car, elbows bent behind him and hands spread out on the faded blue paint. His electric blue eyes were bright with emotion and I recognized his expression as “deeply concerned.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he apologized and then straightened up to standing.
“No, it’s Ok, I was just lost in my own head.” I shrugged.
What was he doing here?
“I saw you load up your bag and then run back inside,” he explained. “I thought you’d be right back down.”
“Oh, sorry,” I flushed, feeling irrationally bad for leaving him out here for so long. “I got sidetracked inside. You should have texted or something.”
“You haven’t been answering my texts,” he accused in probably the most pathetic voice I’d ever heard.
I cleared my throat because that was true but I didn’t know what to say. “What do you need, Colton?”
“I miss you,” he admitted softly.
What?
“Colton, are you serious?”
“Of course, I’m serious. Ellie, you were a big part of my life and then suddenly you aren’t ever around anymore. I try to talk to you and you start making out with other guys, I try to text you and you ignore me. I miss you and it’s driving me crazy! I just want things to go back to how they were.”
“Colton, you cheated on me!” I could not believe this. He could not be serious.
“That was a moment,” I glared at him until he amended his argument, “those were moments of pure stupidity. I love you, Ellie. We grew up in love
together
. And we can pretend that there’s someone else out there for us, but we both know, in the end, we’ll come back to each other. I need you Ellie-belly. And I know you need me too.”
He sounded so sincere, so tragically remorseful that I almost wanted to believe him. The tiny, miniscule, wretched vindictive part of me cheered that he felt so terrible after hurting me. But the rational, kinder part of my brain reminded me of how I felt about our relationship, how I had given up long before Colton cheated.
“Colton, we were never good for each other. We were wasting our time and we both knew it. I think we both know that’s why you cheated. Three years and following each other to college is a big deal and I don’t think either one of us knew how to walk away from that. But we needed to. I don’t think it’s Ok that you cheated, and I’ll never think it was Ok. But I’m happy with where I’m at now. I’m happy we’re not together anymore.” I felt very mature at the end of that, even while in my head I was editing all the bad names I would have liked to call him.
“You’re happy we’re not together now?” He spat out and then crossed his arms, the ultimate defensive move for Colton. “Why? Because you have Fin Hunter?”
“I don’t have Fin Hunter-“
Colton cut me off, “He’s not going to be your boyfriend, Ellie. He just wants to hook up. Everybody knows that about him. I want to be your
boyfriend
. I
love
you.
We
have a future together.”
Colton left me almost speechless. I meant it when I said we didn’t love each other. We still didn’t and we never would. But I never thought he would come around and fight for me.
“Colton, I don’t know what to say,” I finally admitted.
“Say you’ll give us another chance,” he pleaded. He took a step forward, apparently taking my confusion as a good sign and reached out for my hands. I let him, more out of habit than anything else. His hands were bigger than mine and warm. But they didn’t dwarf mine in their strong, pure-masculine grip like Fin’s and they didn’t start a fire under my skin that spread like wild fire to my guts, lighting everything up in a blaze on the way.
Colton was lukewarm, Fin was dangerously hot.
Colton was forgettable.
Fin would burn me, leaving scars in his wake.
“I can’t say that, Colton,” I met his eyes; eyes that once captivated me and gave me security but now only made me feel pity. “We were over before you cheated. You have to know that. There’s nothing real between us, and I don’t have the energy for this anymore. You deserve better than this. And I really deserve better than you.”
I took my hands back and walked around him. He didn’t make a move to come after me, or really a move at all. I think I stunned him. But that was a good thing. I was learning how to stand up for myself. I was learning to find my independence.
I crawled in my car and pulled forward, since Colton was still just standing there. My heart started pounding in my chest and I barely noticed where I was going as I wound around the outskirts of campus to Fin’s apartment complex.
I was right to leave Colton like that. We didn’t have a future together.
But that didn’t mean Fin and I did either.
Panic settled in my chest as I realized how much power Fin had to hurt me. Colton may have been completely delusional with his expectations for us, but he was right when it came to Fin.
Fin didn’t want to be my boyfriend. And I was out of my mind to think that I could be the girl to change him. And if I let go of all my inhibitions, of everything I expected of myself and gave into him, where would that leave me?
I’d have sold out for money. I was back to the same old argument.
Only this time, I could admit that I would also be heartbroken. Fin would crush me if I allowed whatever was happening between us to become more and then he would just walk away.
Three years of Colton and I had a couple bad weeks and an Econ grade that needed salvaging. Six weeks of Fin and I would never be the same. And if I gave him anymore of my time or heart, he would just continue to steal pieces of me until there was nothing left.
I pulled into the parking lot of his building and sprinted up to his apartment before I could stop myself. I was breathing heavy, wild eyed and a bit frantic when he finally came to the door.
His eyes were heavy with sleep and he was shirtless. His muscles were so pronounced on his tanned body that I couldn’t stop myself from imagining licking each one of those divots and ripples. His hair was mussed as if I woke him up from a nap and he was wearing those black sweatpants I adored on him.
Not fair.
I bit my lip, afraid he would be pissed that I just showed up at his place unannounced, without as much as even text. And then for one heart stopping moment I panicked that there might be another girl here.
But then his confused face broke out into an adorable grin and he said, “Hey, you. I thought you were going home today?” He stepped to the side so I could go in.
Ok, obviously there was no girl here. Whew.
I relaxed that side of my panic. But still, my nerves were tight with anxiety and my head spinning.
“Hey, are you Ok?” he walked around to face me again, putting his hands on my waist like he had a right to, like my body was already his to hold and touch whenever he wanted. And for a second I leaned into his comforting touch. I let myself be surrounded by his presence, by his delicious smell and absorbed by the butterflies that came every time he touched me.
“I, um,” I took a shaky breath and a step back. “We need to talk.”
“Oh, no,” he sighed, seeming to realize this was not going to go well for him. “Is this about your brothers? Listen, I only went to Grayson so you wouldn’t have to. I didn’t know Lennox was going to be there, but honestly Ellie, I’m glad he was. I didn’t want you to have to face your family alone, and since I don’t know when you’re going to introduce me to them, I was just trying to make things easier on you.”
“Stop!” I demanded. He was being sweet again, and it was confusing me. With a softer, more desperate tone I whispered. “Stop, Fin. Please, let me say what I have to say without interrupting me.”
He cocked his head back, surprised by my supplication. “Alright,” he cleared his throat nervously, “talk.”
“I can’t work for you anymore-“
“I know that, I was actually going to-“
“Fin, please,” I begged. “This is hard enough, please let me get this out.” He snapped his mouth shut, his rich brown eyes flashing black with emotion, but eventually he nodded. “I can’t work for you anymore and I can’t keep letting what’s happening between us to continue. I know that you need this money, and I know you have to help Declan. I’m still going to pay you back; I will do what I can. But I can’t keep doing this to myself when I know the money is always going to stand in our way.”
“Ellie,” Fin groaned aggressively. “For the love of God, stop worrying about the money!”
“I can’t!” I snapped, so frustrated with him I could scream. “You don’t get it. You don’t get that if I just forget about the money, if I just let you write off the debt so you can sleep with me, that destroys everything good and moral I have!”
“You’re making way too big of a deal out of this!” He was pissed. Super pissed. His jaw was ticking; his shoulders were bunched and tensed. He looked just like the scary-hit-man that first came to visit me. “I’ve got everything taken-“
“Fin, enough! I can’t do this. I’m already paying off somebody else’s debt; I’ve already had my dignity stripped, my belongings stolen. I don’t need this from you too. I like you. Fine, I like you a lot. But most of all, I respect you. And I want you to respect me too.” In a softer voice I added, “
I
want to respect me.”
“So what are you saying?” he asked in a carefully measured voice, not even addressing anything I just said.
“I’m saying this is over until I figure out the money, until I can feel good about being with you.”
He made a sound in the back of his throat and then repeated, “Until you can feel good about being with me.”
I nodded, regretting my words already. “When that time comes, we can see if you still want to be with me too.” Those words were the hardest of all to say because my gut told me he wouldn’t want to be with me.
“That time’s in a week, Ellie,” Fin reminded me in a hard voice. “I need that money in a week.”
“You’ll get it,” I promised. Even though he would definitely not be getting it. Which meant we would never be able to be together. I walked over to the door and opened it. “Bye, Fin. Good luck at your meet this week.”
He didn’t say anything, just stood there staring at me with his ticking jaw. With one last look I walked out of his apartment and down the stairs to my car.
I did all that to save myself from brokenness and heartache, but with every step I took it felt like I was dropping pieces of my shattered heart as I went.
Chapter Nineteen
A
lmost an entire week had gone by since I ended things with Fin. I spent spring break at home with my parents for half the week and then came back to my once again empty apartment to mope. I knew Fin left on Tuesday for his track invitational and I had practically stalked him via the campus website to see how he did and if he made it to finals, which he did. His big poker game was this week and I knew he would be going home today for Sunday lunch while I sat around all day pouting and being miserable since I stupidly asked for the day off before everything went to hell.