Behind Her Smile (16 page)

If Madison wanted to talk to him, she would have answered the phone or at least called him back when she saw that she’d missed his calls. For now, he’d just pray and ask God to protect her. And he’d seek wisdom and clarification about his feelings for her.

Thankfully, the break up with Autumn had gone better than he anticipated. She looked a little sad and disappointed, but she said she understood and still wanted to be his friend. Who knew? Maybe someday it would work out after all. But not until he saw Madison again.

Madison stared at the numbers on her math assignment. Math had always been an easy subject for her. It was clear cut and step-by-step, with only one right answer. If she just followed the rules, she’d find it.

Now the numbers suddenly looked like a hodgepodge of sticks and curves swimming on the page. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to clear her mind and focus. A tap on her shoulder from behind caused her to flinch ever so slightly.

“Do you get number five?” a whisper asked.

She glanced down at her paper. She hadn’t completed a single problem. Without turning around, she just shook her head.

And then it hit.

The rush of heat over her body, the pounding in her ears, and the shortness of breath. Panic surged, once again threatening to swallow her alive. Was she going to pass out? What would everyone think?

Her stomach clenched, and covering her mouth with her hand, she forced herself to stand. Walking unsteadily to the teacher’s desk at the front of the room, she swallowed back the bile in her throat and forced out the words. “May I go to the bathroom?”

Thankfully, the teacher barely glanced from the stack of papers he was grading. He reached into his drawer, pulled out a hall pass, and handed it to her. As she hurried out the door and down the empty hall, she began to feel the suffocating sensation subside. She was relieved to find the bathroom empty, and she stood at the sink, gripping the white porcelain as she stared in the mirror.

The face that looked back at her was the face of a stranger. Gaunt eyes and pale skin gave a ghostly appearance. She took a deep breath and let it out. Then, turning on the faucet, she let the cool water caress her hands and wrists. She grabbed a paper towel, wet it and wrung out the water, then lifted her hair and wiped the back of her neck. Not wanting to wash off her make up, she just gently dabbed her cheeks and forehead.

After another deep breath, she straightened up to the best of her ability and forced a façade of happiness. Her eyes gazed back at her, the fear still clearly present behind her smile.
What is happening to me?
she wondered in the dark recesses of her mind.

The bell rang, jarring her to attention. She took one last glance into the mirror and shuddered before hurrying back to class to get her backpack and head out to lunch.

She spotted Miles sitting with some of his friends. Brianna Heatherton, one of the cheerleaders who was really popular with the guys, was next to him, laughing and giving him a playful shove. As soon as he saw Madison, he stood up, said something to the group, which evoked another round of laughs, and then walked over to where she was standing.

Leaning down, he kissed her. “Hey,” he said with a smile.

“Hey,” she replied, once again forcing herself to look happy, like everything was fine.

“Wanna go sit and eat behind the gym?” he asked, referring to the spot they sometimes disappeared to together. They had privacy there. Something Miles seemed to be seeking out more and more.

Madison thought about their spot. It was shady and cool there, and suddenly she felt chilled, like sitting in the sunlight was important right now. “Think I’d rather just sit here,” she said. “I’m not feeling so good.”

“Okay, whatever,” he replied, clearly disappointed by her response.

Madison tried to force down a few bites of her lunch, but it seemed to stick in her throat.

“You’d better start eating,” he said, as she shoved her lunch bag back into her backpack. “You’re starting to look like a skeleton.”

The image of her face in the mirror flashed in her mind. Great. Now he was noticing, too. She began to feel a little panicky again. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she said, standing up and grabbing her backpack. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

He nodded, glancing back toward his friends.

“Why don’t you just go back over there,” she suggested. “It might be more than a minute.” By now, she knew she wasn’t going to completely lose it, but she didn’t feel like hanging out with him either.

He didn’t argue. “Okay. See you after school.” He stood up, leaned over and kissed her again, and then walked away.

When Madison spotted Miles in the parking lot that afternoon, her anxiety crept in again. All she wanted to do was go home and hide by herself in her bedroom. She felt like she could lose control and do something really strange. Something that would show everyone she really was losing her mind.

Miles was talking with a couple of girls and smiling at whatever they were saying. As Madison approached them, she noticed that one of the girls was Brianna. She whispered something to one of her friends, and they both looked at Madison and laughed. She could feel the heat surge through her face, and she felt like she couldn’t get her breath. Turning, she started hurrying away.

Miles caught up with her and grabbed her by the shoulder. “Hey, where are you going?” he asked.

“I don’t feel well,” she replied under her breath, hoping she could push away the nausea that overtook her with each panic attack.

“Do you still want a ride home?” he asked, his voice laced with impatience.

“No. I’ll just take the bus,” she said.

Miles stepped in front of her. “What is going on? You aren’t pregnant, are you?”

She looked at him dumbfounded. Of course that would be what he would think. “No. I’m not pregnant. I just feel funny,” she said, tears blurring her vision.

“Okay,” he replied, putting both hands on her shoulders. “Are you sure you don’t want a ride?” He glanced away, and she followed his eyes back to the car where Brianna and her friends were still talking.

“Yeah. I’m sure,” she said. “See you tomorrow.”

He nodded. “Right. Hope you feel better.”

Madison could hear the relief in his voice. She forced a smile and replied, “Thanks,” before walking away.

Lucy sat beside her on the bus chatting away about her day. “And then he said,” she began, but paused. “Are you listening, Maddie? You look like you’re daydreaming about something.”

“Sorry. I’m just really not feeling well,” Madison replied. “Could we talk about it later?”

“Sure.” Lucy settled back against the seat and stared out the window for the rest of the ride to Madison’s stop. “Call me tonight if you feel better,” she said as Maddie walked toward the bus exit.

“I will,” Madison promised, taking a breath to calm a wave of claustrophobia as she waited for the people in front of her in the aisle.

When she was inside her house, she fled to the bathroom. Standing and staring at the toilet, she waited to see if she was going to throw up. After a couple of minutes, she began to relax a little, washed her face, and avoided looking into the mirror before she walked out. She stretched out on her bed and tried to pray, but soon dissolved into tears.

“What is
wrong
with me?” she asked after she stopped sobbing. Although she was exhausted, she couldn’t fall asleep. Nervous energy propelled her to her feet, and she paced the room for a few minutes before deciding to go for a run. The thought of being away from home by herself was suddenly daunting, but she remembered how good it used to feel to run, so she changed into her workout clothes, laced on her shoes, and headed out the front door, leaving a note behind on the kitchen counter so her mother wouldn’t worry.

She ran for thirty minutes, circling a three-block radius so she wouldn’t be too far away from home if another attack happened. The fresh air and the feel of her body in motion calmed her anxiety somewhat. As her mind began to clear, she found herself praying again.

Dear God, Please help me. I don’t know what is happening to me. Am I going crazy? I don’t know what to do. Please show me who to talk to or what will help me feel better. She paused and listened in her heart. Although she believed God had heard her, she wasn’t hearing an answer. A thought about God’s timing flitted through her mind. Something she’d heard in youth group. About how God’s timing is always perfect. But she didn’t know how much longer she could hold on.

Before school the next day, Madison walked across the field toward the lunch tables. She thought she saw Miles talking to a girl. He was sitting on one of the tables and the girl was standing facing him. It was Brianna. She put her knee on the bench and leaned toward Miles, placing her hands on his shoulders.

Then Madison saw something that sucked all the air out of her lungs.

Miles placed his hands on Brianna’s waist, pulled her close, and kissed her.

Madison turned and quickly walked in another direction. She didn’t think he’d seen her, and she needed to get away before he did. A minute later he was by her side.

“Hey, Maddie. Are you feeling better?” he asked innocently.

She glared at him. “I was until I saw you making out with Brianna.”

He looked away. “It wasn’t what you think it was.”

“Really?” she asked, not trying to hold back the sarcasm in her voice.

“Look, if you don’t trust me, just say so.”

“How am I supposed to trust you when I see you kissing someone else?” she asked, her voice shaking with anger and hurt.

“I’m telling you it doesn’t mean anything. Bri and I are just friends. She was upset about something, so we were talking. And then she kissed me. Like a friend.”

Madison shook her head. “Is that what we are, too? Friends?”

“You know that’s not true,” he replied, his voice now carrying an edge.

“What? We’re not friends?” she asked flippantly.

“Of course we’re friends, Madison. But we’re more than friends. You should know that after everything that’s happened.”

She nodded. “Right.”

“So are we okay?” he asked, clearly wanting to dismiss the whole incident.

“Would you be okay if you saw me kissing some guy?” she asked pointedly, amazed at the sudden clarity in her mind. Where was the anxiety right now in the midst of this anger?

“If you told me it didn’t mean anything, I’d believe you,” he said, but she knew he was lying.

“Okay, I’ll remember that,” she replied.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means just what I said. I’ll remember that you don’t care if I kiss other guys as long as it ‘doesn’t mean anything’ to me.”

“Whatever,” he said, turning and walking away.

When history class rolled around, Madison could not face him. She decided to ditch for the first time ever. She went to their hiding place behind the gym, took out the math homework she’d failed to finish the night before, and sat working on it until she heard the bell ring. As she worked her way through the crowded hall to her next class, she saw Miles walking with Brianna, his arm draped over her shoulder.