“He wasn’t bothering me,”
“Why are you defending him!” The sound of Blake’s glass hitting the unit startled me.
“I’m not defending him, I swear,” I choked out as Blake turned to face me.
“You feel guilty about Imogen, about Sara even, so you want to defend him.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head.
“You feel guilty that Sara is in rehab and Imogen is dead, so you’re defending Cooper to keep him from prison because if he ended up in prison, you would then feel guilt for him too, when the truth is not a single one of those three are victims; it’s you.
You
are the only victim in all of this, but you would rather keep someone from prison than admit it!”
“I led him on, Blake; I had been leading him on when we were dancing.”
“You didn’t deserve to almost die because you danced with someone.” Blake grabbed his hair in both his hands. “God, Jo, when will you ever see that nothing that ever happens to you is your fault!”
We stood in silence for a long moment. “I need to go,” I said quietly before turning and walking into the bedroom. Blake was right behind me as I took off my jacket and replaced it with a T-shirt.
“I’m sorry,” he said desperately.
“You haven’t done anything wrong,” I said as I pulled up my trousers. “Don’t you see, Blake? I’m not destined to ever be happy, am I? Just five minutes ago I was happy; now look at us
again!
And yet again, it is all my fault!
”
“Don’t leave.” Blake took my arm as I headed past him. “You’re going to run again; please, Jo, no more running.”
“Blake, I am going to end up making you miserable. I’m already making you miserable.”
“You never make me miserable, Jo. Sometimes you make me sad, but that’s because you are sad too; you never cause it. I know why you think you should defend people who hurt you, I do, but it’s you that needs defending, no one else. It’s you that’s broken; nobody else. I promised you I would fix you, and I meant it. Please, don’t leave; don’t you run from me again, Jo, please.”
“I just want to be happy,” I said as my eyes filled with tears. Blake wrapped me in his arms and held me against him. “I’m sorry Blake, I am so sorry.” I whispered against his chest.
“No, I’m sorry,” Blake murmured into my hair. “I’m sorry I shouted, I’m sorry I scared you, I’m sorry for everything. Going to my parents’ will do you good. We can have a whole weekend of rest – no one bothering us, no one making you unhappy. Okay?”
I nodded against Blake’s chest. “I’m going to miss you so much when you go away.”
“I wish I didn’t have to go,” he said quietly. “I’m going to worry about you every minute of every day until I’m home.”
“I’ll be fine,” I said unconvincingly, knowing that it was going to be a massive struggle without Blake to lean on. I decided in that moment, however, that it was time for me to toughen up; time I started to stand up for myself. I would begin that while Blake was away. There would be no more hiding away and no more being walked all over. Maybe Blake was right; maybe all the pain I constantly endured wasn’t my fault after all.
Casey and I had arranged a day of shopping and spa treatments before my looming trip to meet Blake’s parents. We were meeting for lunch at our favourite bistro before our shopping trip.
I hadn’t seen Casey since the night Christina confessed all about her and Blake. Alex had arrived home the next day, so while Casey spent every waking hour possible with him, I hadn’t moved from Blake’s apartment. While he was home, we sat in our bubble; and while he was working, I spent my days mastering his three ovens and cooking for him. It was bliss. It was how I imagined my life being if I could ever be truly happy. It was everything that I wanted. But today I would head out, back into reality, back into where pain existed.
The past few days with Blake had been amazing; I had come to realize just how lucky I was having him in my life. He understood me, knew what made me happy and what made me sad, and he always knew exactly what to do to fix that, to fix me.
Walking along the busy streets of New York, I smiled happily to myself that finally my life was beginning to feel complete.
“Jo!” I heard a familiar voice shout to me. “Jo! Wait!”
I knew that voice, and I knew that it was Cooper. I felt his presence at my side as he caught up with me “Jo,” he panted, “wait up.”
I purposely didn’t stop. I continued to walk with Cooper at my side. “You shouldn’t be here, Cooper. If Blake sees you talking to me, he will kill you. You heard him on the phone the other night, and I am not prepared to lose Blake because of you.”
“So you can’t even talk to me now? Come on, Jo, we’re friends.”
“Blake can’t forget what he saw you doing to me, Cooper; surely you would be the same in his position.”
There was a long pause before Cooper spoke again. “I just needed to know that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine; why wouldn’t I be?”
Cooper caught my arm and spun me to face him. “You said we could be friends, Jo; you said things could go back to how they were.”
“Cooper, I was going back to London. Things were never going to be exactly the same between us. But I meant it when I told you I forgave you. I can’t remember much about that night, but I do know that that wasn’t the real you. I don’t know what was going on in your head that you even tried it, but all Blake is trying to do is protect me; he’s just doing what he feels is right.”
“I worry about you,” he said genuinely.
“I’m not yours to worry about, Cooper,” I replied, “but I’m fine.”
“Good.” Cooper smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I just … I just want you to be careful, Jo. I’m happy that you’re happy I really mean that, but please, keep your feet on the ground; remember your past.”
“What do you know about my past?” I asked, confused.
“Enough to know that you’re scared about your future.”
I stood in silence, trying to remember ever saying anything to Cooper about my life before New York, but there was nothing; I couldn’t remember telling him anything. He could have Googled me, but my dad had made sure that as little information as possible would be available to the public eye.
“When Blake goes away next week, I’ll be here for you. If you need anything, you call me. I mean that; I want to be here for you, Jo, as your friend. I will be here for you. Okay?”
“I’ve got to go,” I said quietly. “I’m meeting Casey, and I’m already late.” I turned and started walking towards the bistro.
“See you soon, Jo,” Cooper called back, but I continued to walk, not turning back to acknowledge him. It was quite possibly the weirdest conversation I had ever had with Cooper. He seemed to know something about my past, and unless I had told him while I was drugged, I had no idea how he could have known. I pushed my encounter with Cooper to the back of my mind as I crossed the last road before arriving at the bistro. Casey was browsing the menu, deep in thought, when I walked in. I headed straight to the waiter. “I need a drink, a large one.”
With our day out complete, Casey and I returned to the apartment exhausted and loaded with shopping bags. Casey was most exited that I had added a lot more colour to my dark wardrobe this time instead of my usual black. She said she saw it as a good sign. That it meant I was finally becoming happy and content. That scared me almost as much as it pleased me. I hadn’t told Casey about my encounter with Cooper, and I had decided that I wouldn’t be telling Blake either. After what happened the other evening, I didn’t want another argument with Blake, and I was pretty sure now that Cooper had got the message.
With Blake working late, I packed for our weekend. I had spent so much time at Blake’s apartment recently that it felt kind of nice to be back in my own apartment, back to familiarity. I was, however, missing him like crazy, and I couldn’t wait for him to pick me up the following morning for our weekend in the Hamptons.
Casey was making supper when I finished packing and headed through to the kitchen to join her.
“Glass of wine?” I asked as I removed the bottle from the fridge and grabbed two glasses.
“Definitely,” she said as she filled two bowls with her specialty pasta dish and placed them over on the breakfast bar as we both sat down to eat.
“Well this is nice,” Casey said as we sat side by side eating our supper and sipping wine. “Feels like ages ago since we did this.”
I smiled. “Yes, it does.”
“You know what, Jo? You are glowing,” Casey said, beaming at me.
I shook my head with amusement.
“You are!” she squealed. “Positively glowing.” She put another forkful of pasta into her mouth as she studied me. “You’re having way too much sex,” she said, narrowing her eyes as she pointed her fork at me.
“Casey!” I replied in shock before smirking. “We do have lots of sex,” I admitted shyly. “I mean a
lot
. Does that ever slow down? At what point do we turn into a couple who only sleep together at weekends?”
Casey let out an almighty howl. “Hell no!” she screamed. “After being with Alex for almost three years” – she leaned towards me – “we’re still very much hands-on, if you know what I mean.”
I shook my head as I laughed. “You are insane.”
“That’s why you love me,” Casey replied before her face turned serious. “It’s so good to finally see you smiling though, Jo.”
“I think things are finally looking good enough to be true,” I admitted. “I do have these moments, though – moments where I convince myself that everything is going to come crashing down on me.” I took a deep breath in. “But the good is definitely outweighing the bad at the moment, and every time I see Blake, he has this ability to wipe away the doubt without even realizing he is doing it.”
“Have you spoken to Blake about this? About these moments?”
I nodded. “Oh, he has seen my moments, trust me,” I laughed lightly. “I don’t know how he puts up with my crazy ass sometimes.”
“Did you just say ‘crazy ass’?” Casey laughed.
“I think I did,” I said, covering my eyes with my hands.
“Girl, you are getting more American and less Mary Poppins by the day,” she said, feeling very pleased with herself.
We finished supper and tidied the kitchen before Casey’s phone rang. It was Alex, and he was missing her. I could tell that she was disappointed every time she told him we were finishing off a special day together by discussing more wedding plans. It was obvious that deep down she would rather be with Alex. I could tell this because I would have been exactly the same in her position. Blake only had to call, and I would go running.
I had really missed him that day; it was the longest we had spent apart for a while, and I was now counting down the minutes until we would have a whole weekend together.
I eventually managed to convince Casey that I was too tired to stay up and concentrate on wedding plans, and even though I don’t think she believed me, within minutes she was ready and out of the door, heading to be with Alex.
With the apartment to myself, I put on some music and ran myself a hot bath. My body felt tired, and I was aching almost everywhere. Every ache that I felt only made me think of Blake; I’m pretty sure that he was responsible for each and every one of them. I smiled at my theory. I climbed out of the bath completely beat and ready for bed. After placing my nightgown on and my hair under a towel, I headed to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea.
My phone was flashing. Picking it up, I noticed that I had three missed calls from Blake, each less than a minute apart. I felt angry with myself that I had missed his calls and proceeded to call him back. I got voicemail all five times. Realizing he would still be working, I placed my phone in my pocket while I made the tea.
A shuffling noise startled me, drawing my attention straight to the hall. “Casey?” I called out, following the noise. There was no reply, and the front door was closed firmly. My eyes were drawn to the floor, where I noticed an unmarked envelope that had been pushed underneath.
I hesitated a moment before bending down and picking up the letter.
The envelope was plain; there was no writing, no address, no name to determine who the letter was even for – nothing.
My hands began to shake. Even though this letter didn’t look like anything, after my brief encounter with Cooper earlier, my fear and insecurities were quickly beginning to resurface. I tore the back from the envelope and opened the letter.
SLUT
Nothing else graced the crisp white paper, just that one disgusting word. The letter had been typed – no handwriting, no sign as to whom it was from or even whom it was for. Was the letter even meant for me? Was it meant for Casey? There was no name or apartment number on the envelope, nothing to suggest that it had even been delivered to the correct address. But something about it had my palms sweating and my heart pounding. Surely it was a mistake. Surely it was nothing, just a letter delivered by mistake to the wrong apartment. I couldn’t convince myself, yet I needed to. I knew something was off about seeing Cooper today and then receiving this letter, but nothing at all connected the two. Nothing. I wasn’t a slut, that was one thing I knew for sure, and Casey was happy enough with Alex that she wouldn’t be messing around with anyone either.
I folded the note and pushed it into the pocket of my nightgown before turning back to the front door and locking it securely, even putting in place the locks that Casey and I never bothered with, keeping me safe from the outside world.
Suddenly I wasn’t feeling so brave any more. My need to spend a quiet night alone was quickly becoming a big mistake. I hated to be alone, I hated to be without Blake, and Blake wasn’t here. I needed him, but I couldn’t tell him why. This was going to be a long, lonely night.
Someone was banging on the door. I opened my eyes and realized I had nodded off to sleep on the sofa. I removed my phone from my pocket and saw that it was only ten p.m.; I must have been more tired than I had imagined. The banging started again, and my heart rate increased dramatically.
“Jo,” I heard. “Are you in there?”
Relief flooded me. It was Blake; he was here. Thank God he was here.
Exhaling the breath that I had been holding, I rushed to the front door and unlocked it as quickly as I could. Upon opening the door, I didn’t give Blake a chance to speak before I pushed myself into his arms and held him tight. I felt his arms wrap around me, and as if he felt my insecurities, his hold on me tightened, pulling me closer to him.
After a few moments I lifted my head to meet his gaze, trying my hardest to hide my fears. I smiled. “I’ve missed you.”
“I can see that.” He smiled, but he was watching me; he knew something wasn’t right. “Are you going to let me in, or do you want me to stand out here all night?” he asked.
“Sorry.” I breathed out as I released him and stepped back to let him pass.
With Blake in the apartment, I closed the door and again made sure it was firmly locked.
“What are you doing?” I turned around to see Blake standing behind me, arms crossed firmly over his chest, watching me with concern. “You and Casey never use those locks; I wondered why the key didn’t work. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I lied as I walked past him and stepped into the kitchen. “Just being on my own for the first time in ages, I kind of freaked myself out; watched one too many episodes of
The Walking Dead
. There were a lot of zombies.” I took a bottle of water from the fridge and drank half of the contents.
“I think that’s the idea of the show, Jo,” he laughed before wrapping his arms around me. “That’s why you should come live with me; I could fight off those zombies.” His lips grazed my earlobe. Suddenly the fear began to evaporate; I was back in my safe place again.
“And with you going away, who would save me then?” I asked, tilting my head to the side to see him.
“That’s a good point that I am going to choose to ignore,” he said before frowning. “I don’t even want to think about being away from you; today has been hard enough.”
I turned in his arms and wrapped them tightly around his neck, smiling slightly. “The perils of being so famous.”
“I would give it all up tomorrow if it meant I could spend every single second of every single day in your arms,” he said.