Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (49 page)

Holy crap, I’m with
Jaxon Chandler. My mind can’t even begin to process that. What will
Logan think? I need to tell Kohen, too. I won’t lie to him, I don’t
see the point. He deserves the truth. I just hope that I don’t hurt
him too badly.

Rinsing shampoo out of
my hair, I try in vain to keep a neutral expression. I fail
miserably. I’m finally with the one person that I have always
wanted to be with, but never thought I could. It’s almost too good
to be true.
This will never
work.

No, I will be happy. I
will only think of the positives. Nothing can bring me down today,
not after last night, not after everything Jax told me. I want to be
happy. I want to be happy with him.

With my little pep talk
still fresh in my mind, I step out of the shower to quickly get
dressed. I can’t wait to get back to my man. Hmm. I like the sound
of that. I hesitate, wondering what I should wear. I want to look
good. The leggings in my hands don’t seem like the right choice. I
want to be comfy, though. I plan to just stay in all day with Jax,
but I don’t want to look boring. Should I dress a little sexier, or
should I go casual? Ugh, this is stupid! I’m not one of those
girls. Jax likes me for me, not for my fantastic fashion sense. I
step into my leggings and grab a tank. I leave my hair down and let
it dry naturally. There, done.

I use all my willpower
to take my time and not sprint to Jax in the kitchen, reminding
myself to walk with each step. I’m surprised that I don’t smell
anything cooking. Guess he’s ordering in. Doesn’t matter to me
what we eat. My kitchen is empty.
Where
is he?
He wasn’t in the living room and I didn’t hear
him in the guest room.

“Jax?” I call out.

Nothing.

He left without saying
anything. I knew it was too good to be true.

No, he wouldn’t do
that. He wouldn’t just leave me. Calm down. He probably went to get
food or for a change of clothes. Yeah, that’s it. I tell myself
there’s a logical explanation over and over again.

Ten minutes later, I’m
not any closer to convincing myself than I was the first time.
Numbly, I walk over to my couch. I want to be one of those women that
you read about, the strong ones who can face anything that gets
thrown their way. Sadly I’m not, I’m just weak.

Another half hour goes by and still
no sign of Jax. I search my place one more time to make sure that I
didn’t miss a note or anything that would tell me why he just left.
Surprise surprise, I’m empty-handed. I glare at my phone, willing
it to light up, telling me that Jax cares enough to text me. Five
more minutes. Nothing.

Me:
Where are you?

I set my phone down and wait. Then I
wait some more. Another five minutes and no response. My temper
spirals out of control. I’m pacing as I type the next message.

Me:
Seriously, where are you?

Me:
FYI, you shouldn’t ignore someone you just confessed
your love to.

I know I shouldn’t
worry, but something is wrong. I can feel it. Jax changed his mind.
There’s no other explanation of why he’s not here and ignoring
me. Not after last night. As much as I tell myself that he could be
stuck in traffic or worse, hurt, I know that’s not the case. He’s
not here because he doesn’t want to be here.

He doesn’t love me.

It was all words.

I won’t be weak
anymore, I won’t be sad. I will be strong and I will get to the
bottom of this. I can’t believe he just fucking left without a
word. If he wants to end this, then he can be a man and say it to my
face. I won’t let him walk all over me and ignore me.

The cab ride over to
Jax’s place is the longest and fastest drive of my life. The
longest because I thought I would never arrive and the fastest
because when I was getting out it felt like I just sat down. I know
when I walk in there, this will be the end. Jax will end this before
it even gets started. Again. I don’t know how I’m able to make it
up to his place, but somehow I do. I’m in the elevator. Once I go
in there, he will shatter my heart all over again. Only this time he
can’t fix it with meaningless words.

Please,
please don’t be here. Don’t open the door. Don’t end this.
I chant in my head as the doors slide open into his foyer.

When I hear his
footsteps, I will myself to stand straight. I won’t let him know
that he’s breaking me. The little sliver of hope that I was hanging
onto, the “I’m just paranoid” and Jax just “got busy with
work” or something, dies the second I spot him.

This is over.

He doesn’t love me.

“Ads,” Jax says my
name painfully, as if just saying my name hurts him as much as seeing
me.

“I just . . . I . . .
”
Be strong, don’t let him
see you break.
“I just wanted you tell me to my face
that we’re over, that you don’t love me.”

I’m pretty impressed
with myself that my voice doesn’t falter, especially at the end. He
will never know how much he’s killing me. Before Jax has time to
say anything else, I push past him and march into his living room.
Bad idea. Even the air smells like him. I feel trapped in his place;
no matter how far apart I am from Jax, I’m fully aware of him.

“Let me explain,”
he finally says.

“You’re going to
explain how you told me ‘you love me, that I’m yours and you’re
mine’ and how it was all lies? Or were you going to explain how you
fucked me last night and now you’re trying to get rid of me? Please
explain, Jax, I’m dying to hear it.”

Jax doesn’t say
anything. He won’t even look at me. He won’t deny anything. So I
was right. Being right isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. More
silence. Fine, he wants to play the quiet game. Good. I won’t make
this easy.

“Come on, Jax. I know
you have a speech prepared. You are always thinking ahead so I know
you have something planned. Did I fuck up your plan by showing up
here and demanding answers? How can you leave without saying
anything? After everything, this is how it ends?”

Each time I speak his
body tenses; he acts as if my voice pains him.

“Answer me, you
fucking asshole! You were the one that came to me! I was letting you
go! Why did you even bother coming back?” I scream.

Silence.

I need to try and stay
calm. Yelling won’t get me anywhere. I glance around, trying to
come up with something to say, when my eyes spot a picture on the
couch. It’s a picture of us taken two years ago at the beach. Logan
made me go with them to Miami for a week. Jax forced me out of my
lounge chair and into the water with him. I didn’t even know
somebody took our picture, splashing each other. I study the picture
again, and that’s when I see it.

“You do love me,” I
say, my gaze glued to the picture.

“N—”

“Don’t lie to me. I
know you love me. This isn’t one-sided. You felt everything I felt
last night!”

More silence.

“Just be honest with
me for once in your life!” I stab him in the chest with my finger.
“You love me,” I repeat.

“Yes.”

“But not enough to be
with me.”

He nods. The pain in
his eyes makes me step back. I have no idea what to do. Jax loves me,
I know he does. He won’t do this, though. Nothing I say or do will
convince him to give us a shot. He’s given up and I don’t know
why. It doesn’t make the pain any easier.

“Let me in, Jax,
don’t do this to us. I love you. We can work it out.”

“There’s nothing to
work out, Ads. I love you, but this will never work.”

All air leaves my
lungs.

“Wh-why?” I
stutter.

“Because I love you
and want the best for you. I’m not the best. I will bring you
down.”

“You’re not making
any sense, Jax! I love you and you’re what’s best for me. You
make me happy.”

Jax takes a step away
from me. That one step feels like a hundred.

“I wish that was
true, but we both know it isn’t. I’m not worthy of your love.
I’ll only bring you down! You were gone, Ads. This entire time you
left! And you finally are coming back to us, but it’s not because
of me. It’s because of
him
.

“He makes you happy.
He’s the one that has brought you back from the dead. I wish it was
me, I wish I was enough for you, but I know I will never be enough.
You deserve so much more than I can give you.”

He utters “him” and
“he” as if he can barely manage to speak the words. I wonder what
he’ll sound like if he actually says Kohen’s name. I tell myself
not to argue because he’s right, he doesn’t deserve me, but I
can’t. I have to try, he’s the love of my life. I can’t let him
go without a fight. I just wish he could do the same thing.

“I want you! I want
to be with you. You make me happy, nobody else can make me as happy
as you do. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

Even after saying that,
I know I’m speaking to myself. Jax doesn’t hear me. He’s made
up his mind, and nothing will change it. We really are over.

“I’m sorry, Ads, I
just can’t. I love you, but I have to do what’s best for you.”
Jax speaks as if this it is. This is the end.

“Shouldn’t it be my
decision? Shouldn’t I get a say in ‘who’s good enough for me?’
I’m a big girl, I know what I can handle. Can’t you let me make
this decision for myself?”

“You’ll make the
wrong choice. I won’t let that happen.”

“It’s my choice to
make!” I yell.

I’m pissed. I’m
pissed that I didn’t get a choice on who the paramedics rescued
first. I don’t get a choice now. Jax is making the choice without
me. Like the paramedics did all those years ago.

“We’re over?” I
ask even though I know the answer.

“We never even began.
I want you to be happy. I can’t bring you down with me.”

Screw this distance! I
march up to him and embrace him as tight as I can. It takes a few
seconds before Jax responds, hugging me back just as fiercely.

“You won’t even
listen to me, Jax! I love you. I’m living again because of me! I
want to be happy again and you make me happy. Why can’t you let me
decide what I can and can’t handle? I won’t go back to that dark
place, I can’t. I won’t survive it. I want to be with only you.”

“We can’t do this
anymore, Adalynn.” Jax presses a kiss to my head and walks away
from me.

“Then why did you
come over last night? I was letting you go!”

He studies the floor as
if it is the most interesting thing in the world. Everything he’s
ever said to me is a lie. He may love me, but it isn’t enough for
him.

“Why did you make me
love you all those years ago?”

Silence.

“I love you and you
love me, isn’t that enough?” I ask.

“It’s not enough.”
Jax says regrettably.

I wait for him to say
more, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t glance up from the ground as I
move towards the elevator. When I reach it, I pause. I have to say
more, I can’t leave like this.

“If you do this, I
won’t come back. This will be it. I won’t keep playing this game
with you, Jax. If you let me walk out, I’ll be walking out of your
life. I can’t be in your life knowing that we love each other and
you won’t do anything about it. I need time to myself to get over
you. I need to move on.”

His head snaps up and I
think he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t. After a
lifetime, he nods. I laugh. A dry lifeless laugh. After everything,
this is how it ends? With a nod. Wow. I deserve more than that, I
deserve more than Jax can ever give me.

“I was wrong, you
don’t love me. If you loved me like I love you, you would do
everything in you power to keep me, but you’re letting me walk out
of here. That isn’t love, Jax.”

I storm out of Jax’s
place and out of his life without another word. Jax shattered my
heart back there and didn’t care. He didn’t care enough to talk
to me, he didn’t care enough to stick around. I can’t feel
anything, I’m numb.

I know I should be
huddled in a ball, crying hysterically. Instead I wait in the
elevator, perfectly calm. Too calm. I’m not enough for him. How
could I be? I’m broken. Broken to the point that I can’t even
feel anything when Jax turns my world upside down. The sweet little
words we said to each other don’t mean anything. I gave him all of
me, but it wasn’t enough. I should have known, this is Jaxon
Chandler, of course I wasn’t enough for him to take a risk on.

I decide to walk home.
I wish I was in workout clothes so I could push myself and run the
entire way. Nothing catches my eye, the entire trip home blurs.
Everyone is on their way somewhere. To loved ones, I imagine. A city
of millions and I’m alone. I did this, I isolated myself from the
world.

After another block, I
realize it’s okay that I’m broken and not perfect. I’m not
enough for Jax, but maybe I’ll be enough for somebody else. That
realization makes me stumble into the street. Luckily I catch myself.

I haven’t been the
person who envisions the future. I used to be, but six years ago I
thought my future was taken from me. I was dead to the world. Now
that I’ve broken through the surface and I’m finally learning how
to breathe again, I had a pretty clear image of how my future would
be. Jax. He is the only thing I planned on. Even with all the back
and forth, I truly hoped we would have a future together.

Imagining my future
with anyone else isn’t possible. I’ve been drowning for so long.
Jax has always been a constant in my life. I can’t even imagine
someone else in his place. Not even Kohen. That’s what scares me.

I don’t want to
drown.

I don’t want to rely
on anyone else to save me.

I’m
not enough. I’m not enough for Jax. I’ve lost him.
Even though I repeat those words over and over again, they doesn’t
stick. It’s like I can’t really believe it, but at the same time
I do.