Beautiful Perfection (Beautifully Unbroken Book 2) (27 page)

“I love him so much Mum, seeing him like this it’s, it’s just so unfair. He doesn’t deserve to feel like this, he has spent his life looking after others and now I’m scared that I’m not enough to look after him.”

“Don’t you doubt yourself Josephine; you are a strong, loving beautiful woman. Blake is lucky to have you as you are to have him too. Is it Sara’s sentencing tomorrow?”

“Yes,” I took a deep breath in. “I have decided that under the circumstances, I don’t need to be there, Theo will call and tell me what happened, I need to be here with Blake.”

“Good girl, remember that you are delicate too at the moment, it’s important that you don’t do anything stressful.” We both laughed knowing that a stress free life didn’t exist at the moment before mum continued to talk. “Well, what I should have said was that you need to keep your stress to a minimum.”

“How’s Jasper doing? Is he running you ragged?” I said trying to lighten the tone.

“He is doing just fine the little rascal, keeps me on my toes anyway and he’s good company too.”

“That’s good,” I smiled.

“Uncle Anthony and Aunty Elizabeth are going to look after him for us when I come over to visit.”

“You’re coming over here?” I asked in surprise.

“Do you think that I am not going to be there with you all when my grandchildren are born dear?” I could sense the smile in mum’s voice and I was overwhelmed that she was going to be here too.

“I don’t know what to say, I can’t wait to see you Mum.”

“I can’t wait either Josephine, I miss having you around.”

“And I miss being with you too, thank you for listening to me Mum, I love you.”

“Will you call me tomorrow? Let me know what happens to Sara?”

“Of course.”

“And give Blake a hug from me, I’ll be over there with you as soon as I can okay?”

“Okay Mum, I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”

“I love you Josephine, and I am so proud of you. Goodnight darling.”

“Goodnight Mum.”

I hung up the phone and turned to see Blake stood in the doorway watching me carefully.

“Hi,” he said quietly.

“Hi,” I replied as I walked over to him, stopping just a few feet away from where he stood. “How are you feeling?”

“Like a fool.” Blake smiled briefly before shaking his head, “I’m so sorry that I did that.”

I closed the gap between us and placed my hands to Blake’s face. “Don’t you ever apologize to me for what happened earlier, I had no idea just how badly you were feeling, I am so sorry that I threatened to leave, you know that I would never leave you don’t you? I was just so worried about us, I thought I was going to lose you but Blake I swear to you, I love you so much and I never ever want us to drift apart again.”

Blake’s hands reached up and cupped my face gently. “I suppose that I always thought that if I ignored it, if I shut out how I was really feeling then it would just go away. How wrong was I?” he smiled sadly.

“I love you so much Blake.”

“I love you too Jo, more than anything.” He leaned towards me and kissed me gently, but before we got too lost in the kiss, I pulled away just far enough for our eyes to make contact.

“Are you ready to open up to me now?”

“Didn’t I do that enough when I fell to the floor like a baby a few hours ago?”  Blake said shyly.

“I mean talk about everything, the both of us. Do you want to?” I took a deep breath in and released Blake’s face before taking his hand in mine.

“I do, yes,” he said quietly.

“Okay, let’s talk. I want you to tell me everything okay? If we’re going to get through this together we have to talk about everything that you are concerned about.” I paused shortly before continuing, “And that includes the things that I have to tell you about too.”

“You mean your trip to the prison to see Sara.” Blake stated.

“Oh,” I said as my gaze dropped to the floor.

“I should have been there with you, I hate that I was so wrapped up in myself that I wasn’t even there for you when you needed me.”

“I didn’t want to bother you when I knew that you were struggling.” Blake’s fingers gently lifted my gaze back to him.

“That right there is one thing that concerns me, you dealing with anything alone; it breaks my heart Jo you couldn’t come to me and tell me that you wanted to go there when you should have been able to just say it to me.”

“That is exactly how I have felt with you too Blake.”

“Come on, let’s talk, I miss talking to you.”

We walked in silence through to the lounge where we sat together on the sofa; Blake wrapped his arms around me as I lay with my head on his chest. This was going to be a long night, but it was what we both needed to do to get our marriage back to what it was the day that we left London to come back to New York.

“From the moment that Sam told me that I could lose you or the babies because of some pregnancy condition that I never even knew existed; that was just the beginning; that was the first time that I felt myself begin to lose control of everything that I had always believed in. I had always believed that there was nothing that existed on this earth that couldn’t be fixed somehow, there was nothing I knew of that didn’t have a cure of some sort or a way around fixing it and there was definitely nothing that I didn’t believe I couldn’t fix myself. I had felt temporary relief when your blood tests showed that it was just stress related, had they not have shown that then I’m not sure that I could have even lasted that night without breaking down. You are my whole life Jo and the thought of losing you, it just doesn’t even bear thinking about. I love looking after you, I love being the person who is always there for you, I love making you laugh, wiping your tears when you are sad, I love being that one person who you need in your life, call me selfish because maybe that is how it sounds but I love being the person that you rely on, it gives me my meaning for just existing. I have always seen that in my dad, he was always my mother’s fixer upper as you call it, but then the day that mom told us about the cancer, seeing dad visibly crack in front of all of us, I knew that if he couldn’t cope with a situation like that, then neither could I.

I lay in bed for hours that night while you lay fast asleep on my chest. My mind was baffled trying to figure out ways of making sure that mom could get through this ordeal without any upset or hurt to her or any of us and especially to Fraser who could potentially grow up without his favorite nanny as he put it.

Then I was trying to figure out a way of making sure that our babies arrived safely because even though doctors are the professionals who have spent years upon years at medical school, it is me that is the one person who you rely on, and again, if I couldn’t do it, if I couldn’t save you or my mother or my babies then no one could.”

I lay completely still so as not to disturb Blake while he was finally opening up to me, with every word that he spoke, I could feel a little piece of tension drain from his body.

“Then the nightmares began, every single night since then I have dreaded going to sleep because my mind had been occupied every single minute of the day by thoughts of you and my mother that by the time I am ready to close my eyes and shut out the world it would then continue into sleep. They’re bad Jo, they are just the worst dreams I have ever had, I am stood at your gravesides mourning you both, and not only that, but our babies’ graves too. In every single dream you are calling to me to help you, shouting at me to save the babies and I am helpless, there is nothing that I can do to save anyone and that is exactly how I feel in the real world too; I can’t get this feeling out of my body, this feeling that I could lose you both and I could lose our babies and there is not a single thing that I can do about it.” Blake’s voice along with his body began to shake with emotion as I lifted from his chest and rested onto my knees facing him; I took his hands in mine and held him tight.

“I swear to you now Blake, look at me,” Blake’s eyes lifted to mine, they were full of unshed tears which I was hoping he would release at some point in order to clear his body of all sadness. “You are not going to lose me or your mum or our babies. Life has no guarantees, none whatsoever, but I promise you that you are not going to lose anyone just because you are scared that it is going to happen.”

“You don’t know that,” Blake said sadly. “You never thought that you were going to lose your father as quickly as you did, and that just happened, so quickly and without warning.”

“But doesn’t that show you Blake that worrying yourself over something that you have no control over will do you more harm than it will do good? Worrying that something is going to happen to me or your mother won’t stop it happening but it also doesn’t mean it is going to happen either, whatever life has mapped out for us is going to happen and no one knows when or how our time will come but doesn’t that mean that instead of worrying about it we should embrace life as we have it now? We should enjoy every single day like it is our last day Blake, pregnant or not, cancer sufferer or not, every day should be counted as if it is our last. I could step outside tomorrow and get knocked down or attacked or…..”

“Please Jo, that is not helping.” Blake laughed once as he shook his head.

“No, I don’t suppose it is,” I agreed. “But don’t you see Blake that you are worrying and ruining your life when the odds are looking fantastic for both me and your mum?”

“I feel worthless if I have no control Jo,” he admitted.

“Having no control over what happens doesn’t make us worthless Blake, it makes us human and I’ll be completely honest with you, I didn’t come through everything that I suffered with Michael or Sara or Cooper to marry you and then die on you and leave you as a widow with two babies.” For the first time since Blake opened up to me, he smiled through his sadness. “And no way is your mum going anywhere either, she has a long happy life ahead of her, the doctor told her today that from the tests that they have done, the cancer hasn’t spread beyond the breast, she will need radiotherapy after the operation but it hasn’t spread Blake, that means she is going to be okay.”

“They said that?” He asked surprised. I nodded.

“Yes they said that and you would have known that if you had spoken to your mum yourself and not ignored her calls.”

“I have been too afraid to speak to her Jo; I didn’t want her to hear me like this.”

“I know that now, and she will understand. You panicked, I get that, but you have done yourself more harm than good Blake.”

“I really do admire you Jo,” Blake said. “After everything that you have been through, you find a reason every single day to smile, how are you not afraid anymore?”

“Because being afraid almost made me lose everything that was mapped out to be my happy ever after Blake. Someone taught me that a while back, didn’t I ever tell you?” I smiled.

“I feel like I have failed you,” Blake said as he began rubbing his hands over his chin nervously.

“You haven’t failed anyone Blake, you just showed me that you’re more human than robot; I was beginning to worry that I had married a machine.” I bumped my shoulder to his as he turned and smiled at me.

“I am so sorry.”

“Hey,” I leaned up to Blake and took his face in my hands. “Stop with the apologies, I’m just glad that you finally opened up to me. I have missed you, the real you, my fixer upper.” Blake smiled briefly before his hand reached up and swept the hair from my face and rested on my neck.

“I am so sorry that I missed our appointment.”

“That’s okay,” I replied honestly. “I understand now and I know that you wouldn’t have missed it intentionally.” I released Blake’s face as the babies began their nightly football match inside my womb; I took Blake’s hands and placed them over my ever-growing stomach. “They’re awake again; I can almost set my alarm by them,” I laughed.

Blake watched in fascination as his hands moved each time the babies kicked against him, “it’s amazing isn’t it?” he smiled in awe.

I nodded excitedly. “And they’re in a good position for me to go natural now too, and my blood pressure has come back to where it should be; everything is as it should be Blake.”

Blake’s eyes stayed firmly on the bump as his smile grew wider. “Sam said you had some good news.”

“You saw Sam?” I asked confused.

Blake nodded shyly. “When I realized I was late for our appointment I just focused on getting there, traffic was a bitch and so was every other driver on the road too. I got there and just barged on into her office thinking that you were still in there, luckily she wasn’t examining anyone and was alone; she had a stern word in my ear,” he said with a hint of amusement. “I would never have missed the appointment Jo, the meeting just dragged on and on until we eventually came to a deal.”

“So how did the meeting go?” Blake released his hold on my bump and relaxed back on the sofa as he ran his hands through his hair.

“I am going to film another two episodes; it’s the only way that we could reach a mutual agreement,” he sighed.

“Well that’s good, and of course we will come back with you too.”

“We will be filming in London,” he shrugged as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

“In London?” I asked confused.

Blake nodded as he reached up and pulled me back to him. “Is that good do you think?” I happily rested back in the place that I loved more than anything.

“I think that’s amazing.” I placed my lips to Blake’s neck and breathed in his scent before kissing him softly.

“I feel so much better for this talk you know?” Blake admitted.

“So you will never bottle up your feelings ever again?”

“Never, I promise.” Blake’s lips rested in my hair as he took deep soothing breaths. “Now tell me about you going off to visit Sara in prison.”

I moved even closer to Blake as his arm tightened around me. “Yes, I erm, I’m sorry about that.”

“I shouldn’t have found out from Theo Jo, you should have told me.”

“I knew that you would say no Blake, and it was something that I really needed to do.”

“I would have advised that you didn’t go Jo but being as stubborn as you are I know that I couldn’t have stopped you going,” Blake confirmed.