Authors: Isabell Lawless
Suddenly the wide door to the room swung open, bringing both Andy and a female nurse in his tracks back into the room to stand by her side. He looked so serene and happy standing right next to her at the bedside, the bruises on his face aside.
“Hi baby, how are you feeling?” His hand smoothed the skin on her arm. “You're at the hospital and they've done some surgery on your hands from the wounds you received from the nail gun...”
She nodded slowly, facing him, but was too tired to go into any discussions about her condition. She was safe and she was alive. That was all that mattered. Although some food wouldn't be too shabby instead of the fluid going into her body.
Then she remembered it. Some pieces more clearly than others. From being pushed onto the table, raped in front of Andy, his panic shot eyes, the few slaps and disgusting licks to her face when she wouldn't follow Brian's directions, and the first person view of her hands being nailed to the living room floor. Then she remembered Andy sitting in the chair and the knife that was stabbed in his thigh.
“How are you?” She suddenly croaked as if she hadn't spoken in weeks, trying to move herself further up in the bed into a more sitting position.
“Oh me? I'm good babe. Pain killers, stitches and no exercising until the muscles in my thigh are healed, but really, on the whole I'm okay. I've just been so worried about you... everything I saw.”
He talked softer and lower, his voice for her ears only. “Everything he did to you... and what you looked like laying on that table, and what you look like now.”
She didn't know what he meant by
now.
As a matter of fact, she was feeling pretty relieved and good about herself being in a safe spot, in a soft bed covered with a blanket, in Andy's company.
“What do you mean?” she croaked again.
“Was she going to talk like this forever?”
“I actually feel fine at the moment.” Her voice a bit steadier. Sure of herself.
“Maam,” Her head spun around to the nurse at her side. She already forgot they weren't alone in the room. “That is just because the Morphine is doing its job very well, numbing your nerve synapses as it should. It's all good. You just need to rest for a while to make sure the wounds heal, both on the inside and outside. Everything is looking well, and you'll be home sooner than you'll know it,” the young nurse said with a light and caring voice, patting her shoulder softly, just like a mother would do a child trying to turn bad news into something good. With papers under her arm and an empty IV bag, she left the room with a hint of a blush and a smile to Andy.
“Really... she flirts here?” Danielle managed to spit out before coughing loudly.
“What's not to like babe? Who could say no to this purple, beat-up face? It's just my pure beauty shining through. Hard to resist. You know how it is.” With a smile, he stroked his hand over his five-o'clock shadow covering his face, and hitched up one eyebrow. “Isn't the color nice? It could match that purple lace bra you have at home.”
This was why she loved him. Even though the world fell apart at her feet and she felt like utter shit, he held the amazing ability to still make her laugh.
“Anyway, stud. Your comment about my face got me pretty intrigued. What do I look like now? Do I match my purple underwear too?”
That wiped his smile right of his face and down the drain. He slowly got up, steadied himself on his one good leg, and went to look around in the bathroom for a small mirror.
“Okay... babe, you are hurt pretty badly, I saw it firsthand. If you want to I'll hold the mirror in front of you and you can see for yourself... but only if you want to.”
She could practically hear her own heart beat playing a rock solo on her eardrums and panic spread with a pounding speed through her veins.
“Now you have to show me!” She practically shouted. “I don't even remember being hit that hard in the face... and I thought I knew everything that happened. Some of those memories are quite vivid. Hold it up, now.” She demanded, her voice back in full force.
“Okay, here goes.” He replied and moved closer to her, sitting down on the side of her bed.
“
Oh my God!”
She thought. “W
hen the hell did this even happen?”
Without the ability to use her hands to touch her face, she turned her head in all directions and angels in front of the mirror to see every possible bruise and patched up piece of skin; one stitched up swollen eyebrow, one black and swollen eye, several stitches went over her upper lip and nose.
“
It really did look like a round in the boxing ring.”
Tilting her head to her right, there was more white gauze and medical tape covering her ear, muffling the sounds around her. She just stared back at Andy who was watching her intensely, holding the mirror steady in his hand. She shook her head as if she didn't understand how any of this happened.
She was so focused on the sexual part of the violence, that she didn't even recall any blows to her face or head. Slaps sure, but these bruises seemed to come from actual fist punches. No one would get a black eye from a slap. Actually, she didn't recall Brian doing anything else to her body, except her vagina, and ass, really. That's where the soreness was located and it embarrassed her. As if being able to read her mind and seeing all the wheels turn in high speed under her blonde hair Andy answered.
“Yeah, that's what it looks like babe. The bandage on your ear covers stitches to your earlobe where he pulled out an earring without taking off the back piece first. It tore apart your lower lobe into two pieces. Ironically I found the earring on the living room floor next to the mantle where you were sitting, and it happened to be the earring I gave you on our first Valentine's Day together. The silver heart with red, blue, and white stones in it. I'm guessing my nationality isn't one of his favorites.” A small smile crept up on his face, and it always seemed to melt her right on the spot.
“He's nuts, you know that right? I told you he was when we started dating. I knew this day would come somehow. You're hurt, and I'm... well, I know he wouldn't kill me, he's always been more into the torture and guilt trip thing. If you hadn't met me, if we hadn't started dating, you never would have been dragged into this shit hole.” Her voice ragged, looking away from the hand mirror, focusing on the wall by the door.
“Perhaps that stupid, hot looking nurse would come in soon again, making sexy faces at Andy. Why didn't he just go live with her, away from all this shit? Away from her would probably be best for him.”
“No, no, no. That's just bullshit! I wanted to be with you, and still want to be with you because you're amazing and I love you. I don't care if a hundred crazy exes are after you, or me. I would NEVER give you up. Don't even go there, Danielle. I've heard it before and don't want to tell you again. It's not your problem that your ex is a completely idiotic, fucking dickhead. That's his problem. Not yours, not mine, not ours. His. Okay? We'll deal with this. Eventually he'll be behind bars and away from our lives forever.” From the look in his eyes searching hears he demanded an answer back.
“Alright, yes I understand.” She said quietly. “I'm sorry I brought it up, again.”
He didn't answer. Instead, he lowered his face into hers until their foreheads and nose tips slightly touched. His eyes closed, breathing slowly, feeling her skin to his in an intimate fashion without the use of hands or fingers caressing skin. This was nice, he thought.
Seconds passed, maybe even minutes, before he opened his eyes back up slowly and peeked straight into hers.
“I'm in this for the long run, you know.”
He said it so softly she barely heard him through the bandage covering her ear. A lingering kiss on her lips sealed his words, along with a soft nudge of his nose onto hers. He kissed her lips tenderly once more before he moved himself back up into sitting position, still right next to her on the bed.
“I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I wish you didn't see me as this 'victim'. I used to be so strong and then some shit like this happens. Around him, all my strength disappears.” She didn't dare to look him in the eyes.
“Hey babe.” He answered softly, putting his hands on either side of her body, making sure she got his point and the meaning of all he wanted to tell her.
“First of all, no one could ever in their wildest imagination assume this would happen to you, or to us, and secondly, I know you're strong and I have never doubted that. And...” He hesitated as if slightly embarrassed. “In some way I like taking care of you... I don't mind that you have to lean on me for support in things. To be honest, that's kind of what I like. You in need of me.” A shy smile spread over his face, and for once he was the one to look away.
“You've been through shit and I've been through shit. We both have crazy idiot exes who either stalk us and use violence, or simply cheat on you. Big time. You know what I'm talking about. Perhaps that's why I like being needed. By you. I simply don't mind.”
The memory of his ex-girlfriend running off for a few nights of mindless sex with one of his co-workers, while he was out of town, came rushing back. Yeah, they both had exes no one could be proud over. Perhaps that's why the two of them worked so well together? They both knew what they
didn't
want in a relationship. They both knew what
didn't
work. Perhaps one had to experience some douches and imbeciles, and some turbulent events, to truly know when the right thing hit you with force.
“Thanks for letting me be needy.” Her smile was small but meaningful. And for a few seconds, they just stared into each other's eyes in utter content. The feeling of knowing someone to their very core and accepting them was the most euphoric sensation in the world. Unfortunately, the magical fairy spell couldn't go on forever.
“What is it?” She asked, as a shadow seemed to dash over his handsome face, wiping away his adorable smile. A short breath escaped his lungs, and with his fingers entwined in his lap he slowly looked up into her eyes.
Until now, he'd accepted the false smile on her face whenever she said that things were 'fine', pretended he hadn't noticed the pain in her eyes. He couldn't let her hide this anymore. No longer should this haunt her days, her nights, and her dreams.
What had she lived with? What had he done? How much of this darkness had she hidden from him? Had she subconsciously harbored a wish of outside control?
He thought.
“I don't know how to talk about this...”
“About what exactly?”
His eyes fell down on his fingers again, which were still twiddling around one another.
“Uhm, Brian said...you know, while he was...doing all those things to you... on the table, that...uhm...”
“What, Andy? What?”
“That you lost a baby? You miscarried?”
“Oh... I knew this conversation would come.”
She lowered her gaze onto his hands, noticing how nervous he was, asking her about it. He used to talk to her about everything, but this seemed to strike a nerve of anxiety within him she'd never known he had.
“Uhm, there isn't much to know really. I got pregnant but lost it. I lost it early enough to not even imagine any hope of becoming a parent.”
“Did you plan it?”
“The pregnancy?”
“Yeah...”
“No, not at all. In one way, I sometimes thought he would become another, nicer, person if a little baby was involved. Maybe his broken, narcissistic personality would soften up a bit, and he would start caring about other people than himself? On the other hand, I was actually a bit relieved when I lost the baby...” She quickly closed her mouth and shook her head.
“I know I shouldn't say that...” She continued. “It's such an awful thing saying you don't want a baby. But, in reality I think a child would have stirred up even more stress and violence between us. It probably would have ended up with me leaving Brian with the baby in a rush of fear that he might hurt us, but then he would put up a hell of a fight getting custody of the child. Not because he wanted to be a father, but to mess with me. He would have done it all with a smug grin, and a pat on his shoulder. Or, I would have stayed with him for the sake of the child, wanting it to live in a family with both parents, suppressing any evil minded idea and action Brian would take out on me. All in secret. Neither one of those two seemed like a viable option.” She took a slight pause. Looked down at Andy's twiddling fingers and wetted her lips.
“Although, I would have loved being a mother, taking care of someone. But I would somehow have died a little inside knowing I had to be a parent together with him. I would have suffered a little bit more every day until there was nothing left of me. With a child tying me to him, I never truly could have escaped and left him behind. I guess, what it bottles down to is... now don't judge me... I'm happier not having had that child with him. The shock of seeing a small, blubbery, red mess in the water at the bottom of the toilet was numbing. I felt unaffected, like it was someone else's little blob and not mine. In my mind that little blob left my body because it was supposed to. That's what I've always told myself, and that's how it's going to stay.”