Be Nobody (17 page)

The “me” who created my past karma is long gone, but the “me” I presently conceptualize is an idea based on my memories of who I once was and the kinds of things I think I once did, said, or thought.

There's no enduring, abiding self that
has
karma. The conceptualization we have of ourselves
is
karma.

The memories that shape our self-image are called
vasanas
in Sanskrit. They pervade our consciousness in the same way that the fragrance of perfume lingers in a room even after the person wearing it has departed. The “room” that is our present identity is saturated with, and defined by, the aroma of our past karma.

So one way to improve the conception of the self is to rehabilitate the memories we are carrying around.
The past is never like it used to be
. It is forever undergoing reinterpretation. For individuals as for groups,
there's no history except for revisionist history
. As psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has written, “The past can never be literally true in memory: it must be continuously edited, and the question is only whether we take creative control of the editing or not.”
⁸

Since what we call our “past” is really only some part of our present mind, and since our present is constantly changing, our idea of the past is in flux too. Instead of carrying around—and defining ourselves by—a past replete with bitterness, recrimination, and disappointment, we can work at revising our personal histories in such a way that forgiveness replaces anger, gratitude takes the
place of resentment, and acceptance supersedes thoughts of sadness and regret.

People who have made peace with their past will have gone a long way toward improving their present sense of self-esteem. Not only will their memories have been altered and improved, but the very acts of forgiveness, gratitude, and acceptance will have modified their sense of self. Rather than thinking of oneself as an embittered, traumatized victim, one can begin to conceptualize the self in terms of the virtues one has practiced in relation to the people and events of the past.

Karma can, in this way, work both retroactively and proactively. By practicing forgiveness, gratitude, and acceptance vis-à-vis our past, we create the causes that will result, over time, in a better self-image. And in the future, we will remember ourselves as someone who was trying to forgive, to be grateful, and to be accepting of all that has happened.

If karma is memory, and memory is what composes our self-image, then improving our sense of self is a matter of acting, speaking, and thinking such that we will look back at our lives with dignity instead of embarassment:
I was the kind of person who tried to live a good life, a life guided by nonviolence, honesty, integrity, charity, and the other virtues
. We practice being a better person today (not just in terms of our past, but in an ongoing way as we interact with the world and other people) so that we will think about ourselves in a better way tomorrow.

Furthermore, by paying more attention to our ethical life, we will have also transformed even our present conception of ourselves. If we can generate conviction in the laws of karma, and if we start living our lives in accordance with what will bring us more happiness and less suffering, we will begin to see ourselves differently in the present. We will regard ourselves as a person who is guided by
the karmic laws instead of someone who is just unthinkingly going through life on automatic pilot. Our current level of self-esteem will instantly rise when we become more cognizant of the consequences of the actions we take to enhance our future level of self-esteem.

Karma shapes our perspective of ourselves—and the idea of the self is the only self we have ever had. Trying to manipulate and master other people or external phenomena in order to feel better about one's own life is usually a pretty ineffectual gambit (have you noticed?).

What I can change is myself. And, as the verse says, “What else is there that I can really control?”

So now that we're acquainted with the theoretical blueprint of how self-improvement really occurs, it's time to put theory into practice. The secret to feeling better about ourselves and our lives, as we've seen, is not to expect the world and others to be different than what they are. It is rather to accept the hand we're dealt at any given moment, and then learn to play our cards in such a way as to improve our estimation of ourselves as a player.

Here's a little mantra—words of power—that I've found to be extremely helpful for staying focused on the task at hand. It's a kind of acceptance mantra—an embrace of reality as it is, not as we wish it would be. So let's call it “the reality mantra,” since it's meant to keep us concentrated on what is actually happening in reality:

Om, it's like this now, ah hum.
^I

Om
traditionally marks the start of a mantra. It means, “Here comes a mantra.” And
ah hum
signifies the end of the incantation.
“
It's like this now
” are words of absolute truth, and this is one aspect of their power.

Because it is always the case, right? It's always “like this now,” isn't it? The hand we've been dealt at any given moment is the only one we have to play.

Please note that the mantra is
not
“It's like this now, and I wish it weren't.” That's the usual spurious mantra of discontentment and non-acceptance. Nor is the mantra, “It's like this now, and I wish it would stay like this forever.” That's the fanciful mantra we recite to ourselves in those (relatively rare) times when things are going just the way we want them to.

So the mantra has to be continually repeated, because the “now” in “It's like this now” is perpetually on the move. If we are to stay in reality rather than drift off into fantasy, we have to keep up with the ever-changing present.

The first element of the actual practice of self-improvement is accepting
what is
rather than either wishing that it were different or that it would freeze-frame and stay the same.

Now for the next step: S
ince it's like this now, what would be my most intelligent response? How to best play these cards I've been dealt?
Instead of just unthinkingly reacting to situations, we try to stay mindful and rational and think:

What can I do, say, and think in this situation that would enrich rather than diminish my self-image? Will what I do now be something I will regret in the future, or something I can look back on with satisfaction that I did my best?

Because we misunderstand the nature of our “somebody self,” we habitually respond to difficult situations and people with our untrained feelings rather than with an educated view of how the
personal, individual self exists—as a constantly changing and evolving idea or conception based upon karma.

We think of the self in an erroneous way, and therefore want always to preserve and enhance the identity we think truly does exist as a unitary, unchanging, independent, and Captain Kirk self. So when faced with difficult situations or people, we respond defensively or aggressively. Instead of using the rationality of our heads and the compassion and love in our hearts, we acquiesce to our selfish instincts and untrained habits.

When someone is angry with us, we respond with anger; when someone hurts us, we feel we must strike back. When we are faced with an unwanted event, we flail about, trying to avoid or change it in the moment instead of thinking about how we could best preserve our present peace of mind and create better memories with which to define our future.

But in order to make the smart choice in any given situation, we have to fight our tendencies to succumb to our selfish negative feelings, our mental afflictions. The guidelines for an intelligent and compassionate response to any situation can be set out as simply as the laws of karma themselves:

 Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

 Do not do unto others as you would not have them do unto you.

Just as you don't want to suffer, others don't want you to return anger with anger, hurt with hurt, lies with more lies, untrustworthiness with some version of the same. Changing our habitual responses to the events and challenging people in our lives involves shifting the focus from what
seems
to be “good for me” (and harmful to others) at any given moment and concentrating instead on what will
really
be the best way to improve my sense of self—here and now and also in the future.

And from the karmic point of view, what's actually best for us will also be what's best for the others around us.
Om, it's like this now, ah hum
. So how, in every moment, can we act, speak, and think in such a way that we'll be happier and make the lives of those around us better, not worse?

The way to improve our self-image, the truly efficacious method for upgrading the “somebody self,” is to train ourselves to stop reacting negatively—defensively or aggressively, protecting or promoting the self-centered ego—and instead respond in such a way as to increase our sense of self-worth.

We must use our “best friend” self to overcome our “worst enemy” self. If we really want to improve and help ourselves, we must side with the angel inside of us, not with our demons.

Who else will overcome your unhappy, depressed, discontented self if not you? Who else besides you will make you a better “somebody self”?

Because self-improvement really is possible, it's our responsibility to make efforts to accomplish it. And it will take effort. It's naïve to assume that responding wisely and kindly to difficult events or annoying people will be easy. Our contrary habits are deeply engrained. Our habitual responses are like knee-jerk reactions.

When the mental afflictions arise—rage, vanity, lust, jealousy, resentment, annoyance, self-deprecation, and so on—there's a strong air of inevitability about them. We feel, in the moment,
compelled
to do, say, or think things we soon regret (or at least
should
regret). We
excuse ourselves or apologize to others by saying,
I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help it!

We all know how it goes. Someone says or does something that we don't like—something that insults or injures or provokes our “somebody self.” A force is awakened, an energy that seems to have a life of its own. Like in the
Alien
movies, the affliction feels like an aroused monster that just pops out of our gut.

And then the alien power starts to surge through our being. The negative feeling seems to rise up in us (one old expression for getting angry is that “the ire rises”). Left unchecked, the mental afflictions move from the solar plexus area and make their way up through our tightening chest and throat and quickly hijack our heads.

The negative emotion takes possession of us. We “lose it,” meaning we “lose our temper” or basically go temporarily insane. We become the puppet of the affliction and do, say, and think unpleasant, hurtful, and damaging things.

If we wish to free ourselves from the negative emotions—if we are to change these foolish and self-destructive responses—we must prepare ourselves for battle. Old habits are hard to break. We must gird our loins and train for the Big Smackdown, the Rage in the Cage, with our mental afflictions.

•  •  •

I was a big wrestling fan when I was a kid (
professional
wrestling, not the more staid and rule-governed collegiate or Olympic version), and so was my grandfather. We'd watch televised matches between characters called “Gorilla Monsoon” and “Dick the Bruiser” and marvel at the feats of violence: one combatant would jump off the top rope in the ring and smash his elbow into the throat of his opponent lying prone on the mat—stuff like that.