Being Amy Madigan
N
icole woke up
abruptly to the sound of frantic rapping on her car window.
She was startled and suddenly afraid. For a moment, she had no idea where she was.
Then she remembered.
Amy’s house.
It had gotten dark since she’d been waiting for Amy to return from wherever she’d been, and the dark blue of the evening sky cast shadows everywhere.
“Nix?”
Amy’s face appeared at the driver’s side window, illuminated by the streetlamps, her expression filled with concern. Nicole unlocked the door and started to get out, but instead of waiting, Amy crossed to the passenger side and got in.
As she sat down, Amy glanced quickly across at Nicole, shut the door, and then stared straight ahead without saying a word.
Amy seemed drawn and tired and for once at a loss for words.
Odd.
Nicole wasn’t sure what to do with all of the silence in the car. Still feeling tired, she rubbed her eyes and yawned to try to break the ice.
There was so much to say.
“How long have you been here?”
“Um …” Nicole glanced at the car clock. “A few hours.”
Amy nodded. She played with her hands nervously. Nicole couldn’t remember a time she’d seen her friend this way.
“What’s going on, Ames?”
Her friend let out a sigh, fighting back tears.
“Don’t tell me it’s about Drake. I went to see him. Why did you lie to me?”
Amy shrugged and then burst into tears.
Nicole moved across to hold her close, and felt her body — thinner than usual — racked with sobs. It was very plain now that this wasn’t about Nicole hogging all of the attention, or Drake, or even the state of their friendship.
“It’ll be OK. Whatever it is,” Nicole offered. She felt her best friend shake her head. “Tell me,” she urged.
Amy sat back. “I don’t know how to say it.”
“Well, that’s a first!”
Amy smiled finally and laughed through her tears. Then a look of deep sadness harrowed her lively features.
“I’m ill, Nix.”
Nicole felt her heart sink.
“What — what is it?”
“After the wildfire, there was some … the paramedics found some bruising all over me. Way too much for what we had gone through. First the police had some questions for my mom, which was a total … waste. So once all that was over, they took me to the hospital to run some tests, and then I found out.”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s leukemia.”
Nicole held on to her best friend again. The pair clutched each other, as though for dear life.
“Are you in pain?” she asked, remembering the agony of Mr. Geller.
“Sometimes.”
Amy sat back, wiping her eyes. “They’re looking for bone marrow donors. I’m on a list, but I’m an awkward blood group — as well as being an awkward everything else!” Amy gave a bitter laugh. “I’d just started dating Drake, and then I found out. And even though I know I can tell you anything, I totally couldn’t tell you this. Cuz when I say it to you, you get all emotional and then it becomes real.”
Nicole looked deep into her friend’s green eyes. There wasn’t as much sparkle as usual. Just sadness. Yet somewhere in there, she could detect the relief of finally being known.
Nicole thought back to the past few weeks and all of those silences and how she’d been concerned that Amy was drifting away. Those fears were unfounded. It had nothing to do with Nicole.
But then excitement coursed through Nicole’s veins until she couldn’t contain herself. She held her best friend’s hands, and the news came tumbling out.
She told Amy all about her week of indecision over whether to ignore her powers. How she had wrestled with her conscience, thought it all through, and how today, she had used her powers to trade places between father and son. She spoke very simply of how Ethan’s father had asked her to save his son. She would save the details and the intense feelings for another time. The facts were what she needed to express now.
Nicole offered the prospect of doing this for Amy. However poorly and upset Amy might feel now, she could fix that. Nicole was going to guarantee that Amy had picked the best friend she could have possibly hoped for that day in the kindergarten.
Nicole looked for an equally excited reaction from her best friend with a beam on her face.
But Amy didn’t smile back.
“That’s amazing, Nix.”
“For you as well,” Nicole urged.
But Amy shook her head. “No. I don’t want something to die so I could live.”
“Don’t be insane! A lake full of fish for a man — a fair swap, you said!”
“Is it that simple? What if somebody was swimming in that lake nearby?”
“All right. Off the top of my head, then, let’s pick a zoo full of animals. Or the woods.”
“What if a zookeeper is working late that night? Or what if there’s a hiker or camper? What if you killed them, too? It just seems like the more seriously damaged the life is, the more life you have to suck from around you. And I’m pretty damaged right now.”
“OK, don’t be ridiculous. We can do this!”
“But we’re still not sure how this all works. You kinda took a big risk with Ethan. I know it seemed to work exactly as it was supposed to, but is it safe? Does the effect last? I’m not sure we’re qualified to play God.”
“So … you think I did the wrong thing?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. You granted Mr. Geller his wish. Look, Nix, if God said, ‘I gotta go run some errands — which one of you girls wants to watch the world for me while I’m gone?’ I’d point to you in a heartbeat. But you were right to be cautious. If you saved me and somebody else got hurt, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself!”
The ferocity of Amy’s argument had worn Nicole out, and she let out a wearied sigh. Exhausted, they both stared down at the floor of the car.
“You really have thought this through,” Nicole remarked sadly.
“It’s all I’ve been able to think about. I mean, how ironic! My best friend has the power to save me, but I don’t want it.”
Nicole understood, but part of her wouldn’t give in. “There must be some way.”
“Until you can explain to me how I get saved without harming another person, please don’t do anything. I need you to promise me.”
“Amy …” Nicole searched her mind for a way to persuade her. “… But it’ll be my fault if something happens. Not yours. I’m the one deciding.”
“Please. Just promise me you won’t use your power on me. Just because the responsibility is yours doesn’t make it any easier for me. I still won’t be able to live with myself. Or at least wait until you know how it all works.”
“But that could take months or years or never. I don’t think there’s a book on this thing.”
“I know you want to do the right thing. But please don’t.”
It was both a command and a threat for Nicole. She tried to take it in, but found herself losing the will to continue persuading. What was the use of having this power if she wasn’t allowed to save the person she loved most of all?
Silence reigned in the car once more.
Amy dried her eyes. “I do feel better for telling you, though!” she blurted out. “To think, I was so scared about it all this time.”
Nicole offered her a sad smile.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”
“Well, I knew there was something wrong, but this …”
“I got so sick of pretending! All that arm flapping, man, I tell you — being Amy Madigan is tiring!”
Nicole laughed. It was all so bittersweet. She dug in her pockets and brought out the concert tickets.
“You got them? Awesome!” Amy exclaimed, her eyes sparking up a little.
Nicole ripped the set of tickets in half and gave Amy hers. Instinctively, Amy hugged her.
Amy’s hands felt a little clammy, and her hold wasn’t as strong as usual. But, Nicole thought, Amy didn’t have to be strong anymore. She could be strong enough for the both of them.
“I gotta head in. Mom’s orders.” With a wink and a muted wave, Amy clambered out of the car and headed indoors. Watching her go, Nicole felt a wave of emotion pass through her.
Think, Nicole. Think!
She needed help to save Amy, and she knew of a good place to start. After a pause, Nicole started her car, pulled out of the driveway and headed home.
Moments later, a black Suburban hidden behind a large hedge a couple hundred yards away pulled out silently behind her.
It would follow Nicole’s red Nissan wherever it went.
Peace With Donuts
A
fter a Saturday
full of schoolwork, Ben had been looking forward to spending all of Sunday doing research. He was hoping to write up the latest on the PDF file DuBois had sent him and then email his follow-up questions. But Ben hadn’t wanted to bombard the professor; he knew he had a habit of doing that, so instead, he’d written down whatever had cropped up along the way. Later he would edit the final batch into what he hoped would be an eloquent document of intelligent questions.
After a hurried breakfast, he headed up to his bedroom. His mom always worried that he spent too much time alone, so she tried to include him in whatever she was doing. Ben had declined his mom’s invitation to join her and the new boyfriend for a baseball game, however. Sadly, the new addition to his family unit had only furthered Ben’s alienation.
Just as he sat down at his desk, the doorbell rang. As usual, his sister’s footsteps could be heard padding downstairs, and Ben anticipated shrieks and laughter. Instead there was a low murmur of brief conversation, so Ben assumed it was for his mom.
Moments later, there was a knock on his bedroom door.
Confused, Ben got up to answer. His sister stood looking as alarmed and perplexed as he felt.
“Two … girls are here to see you,” she could hardly get the words out.
Girls?
“I double-checked. They’re at the right house, and it’s you they want to see,” she added. “Also, they brought doughnuts?”
Ben nodded, shocked.
“I’d hurry if I were you, before they change their minds!” She slipped back into her room, leaving Ben stupefied. He suspected his Sunday plans were about to disappear out the window — but in a good way. Sure enough, two minutes later, a suddenly nervous Ben was leading Nicole and Amy into his bedroom.
Or rather, his operations room.
The pair stood in awed silence, observing the scale of work Ben had achieved. Nicole gazed all around her as she took in the sight. Posters upon posters were pinned to the walls. Strings were now fixed between ideas, linking up Ben’s theories.
Amy gave a low whistle but managed to keep a lid on the smart-ass comments forming in her mind about the state of the room and the supreme nerdiness of Ben’s research. Keeping quiet was not a minor feat for Amy; there were about a million insulting things that were sitting on the tip of her tongue. But Nicole had wisely muzzled her friend with a promise to be nice before they had knocked.
Ben fully expected a wave of insults and wouldn’t have been offended if Amy had sent a few zingers his way. But he noted that Amy seemed a little off her game today.
In the middle of the room, Nicole caught her breath as she glimpsed the one word that suddenly made everything fit into place.
“Balancer?” She fixed her gaze directly on Ben.
Ben nodded. “It’s what they’re … you’re …called.”
He showed her Professor Barnard’s PDF printout and she glanced down at the paper, which was entitled “The Fifth Element.” Nicole quickly flipped through it, and it revealed to her an altogether different way of viewing the world.
Ben had a stack of research that supported variations of Barnard’s theories. He had singled out a second paper from a forest ecologist at the University of Montana that described the limits of the globe’s finite plant life. There was actually a fixed “planetary boundary” that could not be crossed, according to the ecologist. In other words, the planet had a fixed amount of life to go around, and nothing man could do could change that.
Now, when Nicole thought about it, it was exactly what she had been doing all this time — neither creating nor destroying life, but merely moving life from one living thing and weighing it up against another. A delicate balance.
“May I?” Nicole indicated she wanted to skim the PDF alone.
“Sure, sure! Make yourselves at home!” Ben over-enthusiastically gathered the clothes from his bed and offered what seating he had. He removed a carryout container here, a half-drained glass there, kicked a T-shirt under the bed. The room was almost presentable.
Amy chose to sit cross-legged on an empty spot on the floor.
“These are for you.” Nicole handed across the package of fresh doughnuts. “It’s kind of a peace offering. I’m sorry for ignoring your emails. And for what I said outside the cafeteria. I realize you were only trying to help.”
Ben shrugged. This was truly a day of surprises.
“I didn’t know what to do with what I had in me. I wasn’t sure if I could trust you.”
“So what’s changed?” This was pretty fast for Ben.
“I know you’ve done a lot of work, and it’s come to a point now where I need to play catch-up. Actually, we need your help. It’s kind of a matter of life and death.”
That was more than enough for Ben, who took his place on the floor with the girls and tore open the package of doughnuts.
An hour later, after his visitors had seen all there was of the Professor Barnard videos and Ben had explained as best he could about the Balancer and the Fountain of Youth, Nicole was relieved that she had decided to see Ben. It was clear he was somebody who had been watching her back all along. With the state of things, she could use all the help she could get.
The idea of the fifth element was extraordinary but made so much sense. Ever since Nicole had realized she could wield life this way, it had raised some pretty big ethical problems for her. It reminded her of the old question: If there is a God, how come there’s death and wars and famine? Well, Barnard’s theory had an answer for that.
It was all about balance. Animal sacrifices had played such an important part in nearly every culture, and that in turn all seemed to point to a greater force out there that must be answered to and compensated. If there was only a fixed amount of life in the world, then it followed that each person would get a certain portion allotted — some more or less than others. In order to accommodate births, there must be deaths. Even the seasons reflected it — how could there be a spring without a fall? Light without darkness?
There was a system behind all of this life and death stuff, and there were people out there like Nicole who had the power to alter it. This was both a terrifying and comforting prospect. Nicole wasn’t alone in this awesome skill, and — Ben had reasoned — throughout history there had been Balancers like her who had been able to live a quiet life, unnoticed.
Nicole had yet to decide whether that would be her path.
She had instantly liked Professor Barnard too and could see why Ben was drawn to him. His eyes were warm, and her instinct told her he could be trusted. It was a shame he had disappeared off the radar. However helpful his ex-colleague DuBois had been, it was clear Barnard was the real deal.
Ben had explained — somewhat over-excitedly — his own theories about what had happened in the wildfire. He asked Nicole whether she could remember similar times in the past where she had done something extraordinary, and Nicole recalled the pine cone the day before the wildfire. He also asked her about Mr. Geller, and although Nicole didn’t confirm directly, Ben knew that it was her actions that had saved Ethan.
As she looked through all of the stories surrounding the myth of the Fountain of Youth, Nicole was particularly touched by one picture. It was the 18th-century painting of a bathing pool, with withered and gnarled people entering on one side and then others leaving healthy and hearty on the other side.
That was what Nicole had been doing, and others throughout history had been like her.
Balancer.
Now was the time for Nicole to ask the question she had come here to get an answer to.
“So, does the Balancer always have to kill to restore life?”
It was a good question. Ben considered it carefully.
“I haven’t read anything that said it has to kill. I suspect Balancing treats life like the other ancient elements, where there must be different degrees or strengths of life. A small injury might only need a little life to cure it; a fatal injury may require an entire equal being to be sacrificed to be saved. It’s all just a theory.” Ben could tell Nicole was enjoying his theories.
Nicole smiled. This gave her hope for Amy. Maybe, she thought, it was a little like learning any other new skill — the first strokes or movements would usually be awkward and clumsy, and only later, after the basics had been mastered, could subtlety come into play.
“So, what now?” Amy sighed. She had half been hoping for a step-by-step guide, and with all of the research Ben had done, it seemed he wasn’t far off. “There wouldn’t happen to be a book on this, would there?
Balancer for Dummies
?”
“I could ask Professor DuBois?”
“Don’t mention Nicole, though,” Amy jumped in.
“No, no. I won’t. I think the fewer people who know about you, the safer you are.”
Ben noticed his last sentence caused Nicole to cringe a little.
“I mean … the less attention you’ll draw. I can just add it to my list of questions,” he said.
“How soon can we find out?” Nicole asked, her impatience getting the better of her.
Ben shrugged. “He’s pretty fast. Meantime, if you want to throw people off the scent, you guys need to get back on YouTube. Hide in plain sight. You’ve got about 200 unanswered posts on there, and it looks unusual.”
“You should know,” Amy offered lightly, and Ben blushed.
Amy hadn’t been able to resist, having done as Nicole had ordered as best as she could up until now.
“I’m just saying,” he offered, “if Barnard is right and the authorities know about this, if you draw any more attention to yourself, they’ll be after you. If they’re not already …”
Nicole got up and gave a hand to Amy.
“We’ll keep that in mind. Let’s stay in touch?”
“OK.” Ben tried not to beam too much at this idea.
Receiving warm thanks from Nicole, Ben saw his two new allies out of his house. His concern that his sister had overheard their discussions was alleviated as soon as he returned to his bedroom door. She stood across the landing, arms folded, staring at him with a raised-eyebrow expression. As he ignored her, she wolf-whistled, and Ben responded by slamming his door.
He would add Nicole’s question to his list of queries and send the email to Professor DuBois later that day. It had been an exhausting talk. A record-breaking marathon of dialog for a self-proclaimed introvert. The hard work and enthusiasm he had put into his research had paid off.
Nicole had asked for his help. She trusted him.
Ben sat back in the spot Nicole had sat in and held the empty box of the peace offering doughnuts in his hand — proof that it had all really happened. Even though he had gotten into this with some hope of Nicole noticing him, now that she had, another newer sense had emerged.
He suddenly felt like he was a part of something epic.