Authors: Gracia Ford
A tear runs down her cheek as she shakes her head, like I’m not getting the big hint to the puzzle that is right in front of me.
“Every woman feels run down or crappy, especially around that time of the month. Don’t get yourself hyped up. It’s probably nothing.”
“But lately it’s more than that. It runs on for weeks at a time, I lose focus, and I get these shooting pains, especially in the –”
She looks down, and at first I think she’s looking at her hair. “They found a lump...”
Then, it dawns on me. I know exactly where this fucking conversation is going and I feel angry.
Breast fucking cancer!
No way. Not my Tina; not the girl who’s practically my baby sister. Not now, not ever. I can’t even say the words without feeling sick. Breast cancer.
Shit.
I hold her tight and ask, “When’s the test?”
My body’s shaking along with hers. She’s crying hysterically while I hold her. Not only is she scared, but I’m fucking petrified.
“Tomorrow,” she whimpers as I continue to hold her. There’s a knock on the door. I ignore it. I know who’s knocking and, for a minute, I think she’s the one that should fucking have cancer.
She can never take a fucking hint. Tina collects herself and so do I. After all, it hasn’t been confirmed as cancer. She has a lump and they just want to make sure that it’s not cancerous. Also, it could be other things, which are not fatal. I don’t want to get excited, but I need to know what I’m up against, so the sooner the worthless bitch on the other side stops thumping my fucking door and gets out of here, the sooner I can get on the internet and figure this shit out.
“What?” My tone is full of aggravation.
I make my way to the door and yank it open as Tina slips out of the room.
“Is that any way to greet your mom,” she asks as she brushes past me and walks into my office, acting as if she owns the place. Shit, I must be hard of hearing, because did she say greet and mom in the same sentence?
The gym and the BNY program has left me with enough money in my bank account to live a comfortable lifestyle. I have a nice monthly salary. Nothing like what I was brought up in. Don’t get me wrong, there was always food on the table, but I doubt Pops could afford the brand new convertible I’ve got parked in the garage. We certainly never went on exotic holidays, yet I can afford to go on a couple each year. I love traveling and exploring new cultures and especially different types of ladies.
My penthouse’s up in Lakeview. No one knows where it is because they think my official home is in the apartment above the gym. I give it out to Mom for whenever she’s in town, which isn’t often. I may not forgive her, but I won’t leave her on the streets either.
She comes and goes as she pleases, looking for the next idiot to take care of her. Mom believes that her and Pop´s relationship failed, cause of Pop´s. But I know the truth: they’re both to blame since neither made an effort to make their marriage work.
Mom’s lazy. Whenever she stays in the apartment above the gym, it looks like a fucking pigsty. I wonder if she’s left the apartment. She arrived over two weeks ago and I have not heard from her since. Everyone had been shocked she’d left Pops, because she wants to do fuck all. I think it was more the humiliation of him fucking everyone but her that drove her to leave. Fuck, who cares? No one thought she had it in her to up and leave. The only reason she never took me was because it would’ve been too much work. One thing about Mom and work: they don’t belong in the same sentence.
I take a deep breath and shut the door. I walk behind my desk. The further she is from me the better. I’ve had a shock to my fucking system and I really don’t feel like dealing with her. I need to get it together and check some things out. I don’t have the time or energy to waste on her.
“What is it this time?”
“Son,” she says as she tries to break a smile. I must be fucking hard of hearing, because this tired woman, who looks like she’s been in a train wreck, has never, ever, called me that. I didn’t even think she was aware that I was her son. I assumed she thought I was a bank or a hotel. That’s the way she treats me anyway.
“I’m in the middle of a situation,” I bark out in a clipped tone. As if she didn’t even hear me, she takes out a cigarette and lights it, puffing away in my office. I run a gym not a smoking center. She needs to leave.
“Apartment is free. Stay there. How much do you need? I’ll take care of it in the morning.”
“Ten thousand.” She comes over and gives me a kiss as if trying to sway me from thinking she’s using me. She’s the worst con artist in the history of them. I only give her money to keep her out of my way.
She takes her worn-out dress, which I can only assume was once black, and her bag, in the same condition, before she hurriedly makes her way out. I could ask her why she needs so much, but I just don’t give a shit. She caught me on a bad day, and there aren’t many of those. I’m too distracted to care. She can have the cash...this time. The next time she asks for any amount over the cost of a burger and fries, I’ll tell her to fuck off. Knowing her, it won’t be very long.
Now, it’s time to look on the Internet. I want to know anything and everything about what’s happening with Tina. There has to be some sure symptoms for breast cancer she doesn’t have, confirming it’s just a scare, then we’ll have a great big fucking party to celebrate it was nothing. This I never expected from Tina. She’s always so strong, appearing ten foot tall and bulletproof. I never pray but instead of booting up my computer, I find myself taking a minute with my hands together and my head held down, praying at my desk.
––––––––
I
'm sitting in my Jeep scared for the first time in my life. I couldn't concentrate all day yesterday. I’m not good at pretending; never had to be, until now. I had to keep a brave face on all day. Steve’s been recruiting everyone into his Omega Biggest Loser program. Thank goodness he had the sense to keep me out of it.
I've been ready to take Tina to the hospital for the mammogram since six this morning. I didn’t even look or think about the time. I’ve been sitting in the Jeep hoping the fresh air calms my nerves before I got sick.
Upon arrival she took one look at me, kissed me on the forehead, and took my hand. I’ve been wondering if we’ll still be like we are, family, in a few months’ time. Shit, cancer? I just can’t wrap my head around it. Why doesn’t this shit happen to people like my parents? Why the good people?
“Ready,” she whispers as she takes my hand. I’m fucked up inside. I don’t trust many people, but once I do it’s for life. Tina is my only family; the only one I claim, anyway. I just can’t get the whole ordeal out of my head and I feel like a selfish pig. Shit, she’s the one who’s possibly sick and I’m acting like I’m arranging her funeral already.
“So, you’re helping Steve on the Biggest Loser campaign?”
Great icebreaker. My anxiety is starting to show. Talking about the prick will draw my emotions elsewhere, away from what today’s about.
“You should get to know him. He’s not that bad. His ideas are quite good. I figured out why you don’t like him, just so you know.”
She turns down the radio. I didn’t even realize it was playing until I saw her hand moving on the buttons. She looks so beautiful today. She’s wearing a long, light blue summer dress. Her hair is tied back, with a small curl bouncing around her eyes. All this shit has me feeling sentimental and mushy. I don’t fucking like it at all. I need to know everything is fine so I can get back to the Alex I do best.
“Why are you dressed up?”
I look like shit from lack of sleep. Only when I saw her all dolled up did I realize I was wearing the same sweats from yesterday. I didn’t even change. Shit, I don’t even remember if I ate. I felt bad that I was at camp and she was going through this alone.
“To make me feel better. If I don’t have hope I might as well give up.”
I nod, then I realize she is right. We need hope. We need to be optimistic.
“So, why do I hate Steve?”
Okay, so curiosity got the better of me.
“It’s like looking in the fucking mirror.”
I glance at her for a second and I see her with her hand over her mouth, trying to contain her laughter. The same thing she’d done since we were kids. In this moment I know she is okay. I now have a spark of hope.
Good, because I’m due at the camp tomorrow, and the way I’m feeling right now I want to cancel the whole program and just spend time with her. I don’t want her out of my sight. I can’t lose her; not now, not ever.
A
s we arrive at General Hospital, I feel sick. Maybe the couple of shots I had last night to knock me out where playing havoc with my stomach since I hardly ate. What a joke! I was supposed to be here to give Tina moral support, yet I was the one who was falling apart.
“You okay?” she whispers as I park the car.
I take a few deep breaths and look into her eyes and say, “Sure.”
What else could I say?
The confident, arrogant jerk had jumped out of the car and been replaced by a wimp. I shake my head at the thought of not being able to give Tina the moral support she needs. She’s going through this crazy shit right now. The thoughts going through my head need to be put aside. Now.
“If you promise to pass all the tests then I will start taking it easy on Steve.”
She laughs at my statement, “You can’t help it, Alex. That’s why I love you.” She gives me a hug and I release my seatbelt and squeeze her tightly.
“Alex!” she cries out. I let her go and say the one thing I have never said to a woman, “I love you, Tina.”
You can call it karma or something, but the words left my mouth. They had never been said, but I had to tell her how I felt about her. Sometimes, I take people for granted, I know this, a weakness I had to work on, especially now.
She’s fighting back the tears trying to say something back. I grab a hold of her once again and she whispers, “I know, Alex. I know.”
We get out of the car and I keep reassuring her that it will be Okay. Or maybe I was telling that to myself too. I had to be strong for her. By the time we enter the hospital, she checks in and then she´s given some forms to fill in. We take a seat in the waiting area so she can fill them in. She quietly digs through her bag, trying to find her ID and shit. With all of the stuff she’s pulling out, she’s making a mess on the chair.
“It´s going to be okay, you know.”
She nods as she takes a few deep breaths and continues to fill out the forms.
“No matter what, I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”
There are other women in the waiting room. I cast an eye over some of them. They are in the same state as Tina, confused and bewildered with paperwork of their own to fill out. A couple of them look like some of the ladies I see at my camps. The collected ones, who are normally in control, but once they attend my camp, they are anything but that as I strip away their dignity and pride, then make them do things they would never in their wildest dreams think about doing.
Tina turns the forms in and before long the nurse calls her back. She stops unsure what to do.
“Give me your bag and I’ll be here waiting.”
She nods and hands it to me.
I kiss her on the forehead as the nurse takes her away.
I’d switched my phone off earlier because I didn´t want anything to deter my concentration away from Tina. Also, because I knew there was a 100 percent chance that my mom would be calling to ask about the money. I left instructions for the cash to be delivered to the apartment.
On my way back to camp, I will make sure it was delivered so we won’t need to talk again. I´m tired of her silly ass. She may be my mom by blood, but that was about it. She didn´t have a maternal bone in her body.
Between pacing up and down the corridor and shutting my mom out of my mind, I didn't realize that I had been there for the better part of an hour. For someone who hates being in hospitals, I will endure this, if it means saving her life then it is worth it. She’s the one woman that deserves my love. Before I know it, Tina comes out and makes her way towards me.
“So?”
I know I should have been patient and tried to let her sit down at least, but I had to know.
She seemed more relaxed than she had been when she’d gone in there, which was a good sign, or she was putting on a brave face.
“So, far everything seems normal.”
I nearly jumped up, grabbing her in the process to toss her up in the air. I was so happy, until she stopped me and said, “But, they are going to do more tests to figure out what is going on. I won´t get those results back for a few weeks...”
“Weeks?”
“Yes,” she says as she holds my hand and stops me before I make a spectacle becoming an audience from my outburst in the waiting area. Okay, so I was a bit dramatic, but I thought it was good news. Not all of it, but some. We had to wait a few weeks.
“Alex, seriously, you need to get back to camp. I can’t take a few weeks of you acting like you did today. The doctor gave medication to get me up to my old energy levels and I´ll make sure I have plenty of rest. Okay?”
We walked and she did most of the talking as she led me to the car. She could have been leading me anywhere and I wouldn’t have known or cared.
“Okay?” she asks again, nodding for confirmation.
I try to open my mouth, but the words are stuck in my throat.
“Tomorrow, you´ll be back at camp. Just focus on that. I´ll be okay.”
Sure, she’ll be fine, but the waiting will just drive me nuts. I need to think of something, anything to shift my focus from the dark cloud that’s hanging over me.
“I´ll have six beautiful ladies to keep me occupied...” I trail off.
“And one thing Alex loves is the ladies.”
She chuckles to herself. She’s in better spirits then she’d been earlier, we both are, and with Steve and the new program, I’m sure she will be busy too. I just hope she´s not too busy to try and rest, now and again.