Authors: Saxon Bennett
“Parts are parts, I guess,” Hilton said.
“We had one woman in here who bought a half-dozen because she wanted to make her husband uncomfortable.”
“I bet we’ll hear about the bull penis episode on the show tomorrow,” Hilton said.
“Nothing like free advertising,” Shirley said.
“If they don’t have a pet with them, don’t let them in,” Hilton warned. “They will have only come to see the oddities on display.”
Anne looked relieved now that she had washed her hands. She gave the jar of bull penises a dirty look on the way out the door.
When they got to the car, Anne said, “You know, for hanging out with a lesbian I’ve sure had a lot of exposure to male genitalia lately.”
Hilton just smiled. “Where are we going for lunch?”
“You pick.” Anne started the car and Shannon let out an audible sigh.
“She’ll sleep now. Let’s go somewhere horribly decadent.”
“I know just the place. It’s a fondue bar, nice quiet booths, great food and wine list, and the desserts are to die for.”
“Will I be drowning my sorrows like a straight girl?”
“You will.” Anne pulled into traffic and headed downtown to the restaurant. The fog that had hovered over the city most of the morning had lifted and a seldom seen but much admired blue sky permeated the afternoon.
Hilton looked over at Anne and smiled. Maybe today wouldn’t be a total wash after all. It was funny to think that she’d rather spend the afternoon with Anne than Nat anyway. So what did that really say about their relationship? she wondered. Maybe it was time to cut the cord.
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When Hilton got home it was early evening. Shannon was still groggy from the shots. Hilton was satiated. She felt kind of tipsy, very full and in general not doing bad for someone who’d just lost her girlfriend.
“So you’re doing better?” Anne had asked as she dropped her off.
“Much better, thank you.”
“I’ll zip by in the morning and pick you up. Your car will be safe in the parking garage.”
“And I shouldn’t be driving anyway,” Hilton said. She looked at Anne a little longer than she should. “You’re a nice lady.”
“And you in your new duds are one hot mama.”
“Anne!”
“Sorry, I must have morphed into Dave for a moment there. I’ll see you tomorrow at eight-thirty.”
Shannon was scratching at the door by the time Hilton got up 84
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the steps. “All right, all ready, I’m coming.” She opened the door and flounced down on the couch with Jessie and Liz, who were once again watching reruns of
Leave it to Beaver
on cable television.
It appeared they had been studying. Liz’s books were piled neatly on the coffee table with yellow Post-it notes sticking out everywhere. Jessie’s books were scattered on the floor with no apparent organization. Hilton banged her head on the back of the couch for emphasis. “Why do you guys watch this show?”
Liz smiled benevolently. “Because it’s like going to another planet where everything works out.” She took Hilton’s hand. “Are you all right?”
“You mean because I got dumped?”
“I don’t know if you necessarily got dumped,” Liz said.
“Dude, you’ve totally got to do something about Emily,” Jessie piped in.
Hilton saw Liz shoot her a dirty look.
“Why?”
“Because she’s been looking for you. I mean, what’s the deal?
Are you doing her or not? Nat sure thinks you are.” Jessie thrust her hand in an oversized bag of Cheetos. Her fingers were stained orange. She popped a handful in her mouth.
“I don’t think those things are really food,” Liz commented.
“Of course they’re food,” Jessie said defensively.
“No, I think they’re a bunch of chemicals they glued together and labeled snack food,” Liz said.
Shannon nuzzled Jessie for one.
“Don’t give her one,” Hilton said, giving her a stern look.
“Why not?”
“They’re bad for you.”
“God damn food nazis,” Jessie grumbled. She slipped one to Shannon when she thought Hilton wasn’t looking.
“I saw that.”
“One won’t hurt her. She’s a big dog and the chemicals will be diluted. Now, about Emily.”
“I don’t know. Can’t I just leave it a two-night stand? Is it nec-85
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essary that every lesbian sexual liaison must turn into a three-year relationship that will be dysfunctional from its very inception? I don’t think I’m in the mood to be in love.” Hilton absentmindedly grabbed a Cheeto and stuck it in her mouth.
“Ah-ha! You ate one,” Jessie said, pointing an accusing finger at her.
“They’re not bad actually.”
“You know why you don’t want to fall for Emily?” Jessie said.
“No, I don’t.” She had replayed the evenings of their amorous liaison and had nice thoughts about it. Emily was sweet and sexy but that was about it. She wasn’t horribly interesting or driven or funny. For the first time in her life, Hilton was looking for something with a future and it wasn’t Emily.
“Hilton, should you be taking advice from the most relationship-challenged lesbian on the planet?” Liz piped in.
“Probably not. I should just settle down with you.” Hilton took Liz’s hand. “But I hear you’ve been dating someone.”
“Maybe,” Liz said coyly.
Jessie cleared her throat. “As I was saying, you’re not interested in Emily because you’ve got a thing for your boss.”
“Really?” Liz asked Hilton.
“Consider the source,” Hilton said. She didn’t meet Liz’s gaze.
“Where have you been spending all your time?”
“Doing work-related activities,” Hilton said. She grabbed another Cheeto and tried to appear nonchalant. “I think these things are addictive.” Shannon looked at her pleadingly. She gave her another. They would both die of toxic chemicals.
Jessie continued, “And after work, part of a weekend and those shopping trips …”
“You’re high. She’s my boss, for starters.”
“Like that ever stopped anyone.”
“And she’s straight.”
“And her husband left her for another man. That should tell you something,” Jessie countered.
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“Like what?”
“Did he really leave her for a man?” Liz said, apparently shocked by this tidbit.
“Well, yeah,” Hilton admitted.
“You know what that tells me?” Jessie said.
“Oh, do share.” Hilton grabbed the afghan from the back of the couch and covered up with it. She was suddenly cold and kind of sleepy. The wine from lunch must have been wearing off or she was having a reaction to the Cheetos.
“It means that the house wasn’t the same as all the other houses on the block. A woman doesn’t marry a guy that turns gay. He was gay when she married him and they both knew it. Underneath all that playing it straight is a fag and dyke pretending to play house.
It was only a matter of time before one of them broke the deal, found someone to love and went to live happily ever after somewhere in Homoslavia.”
“You’re so full of shit.”
“Oh, my God, I’ve to go,” Liz said, popping up. “I’ve got a date with Melissa at seven-thirty.”
“Do I get to bear-sit?”
“No, Jessie, tonight we’re having dinner at her place with Amelia Bearhart.”
“Damn!”
“Another time.” Liz patted Jessie’s shoulder. “You are a good baby-sitter.” Liz rolled her eyes at Hilton, who smirked.
“Like when?” Jessie whined.
“I’ll see if you can take her to the park tomorrow. We have a lunch date.”
“I’ll pencil you in,” Jessie said. She took a swig of orange soda and picked up the remote.
“Better hit the wine cellar for something nice,” Hilton suggested.
“Can I?” Liz asked.
“Of course. Nothing like a good bottle of wine to enhance a 87
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dinner date.” Hilton pulled the afghan off. Now she was hot.
Maybe she was really having a reaction to all those toxic chemicals in the junk food.
“What should I get?” Liz said. She looked tentatively at Hilton.
“Come on, I’ll help you pick one out.”
Hilton and Liz tromped downstairs to the wine cellar. It was originally a root cellar, but Gran had the whole thing redone with state-of-the-art equipment. Gran may have been frugal about some things but a good wine cellar was a priority. Gran had carefully cataloged brands and types. Hilton kept it religiously stocked.
She disappeared into the dark corners of the cellar and came back with a dusty bottle of French wine. Liz blew off the label.
“This looks expensive.”
“And tonight is a special occasion,” Hilton said. She didn’t have the heart to tell Liz that everything in the wine cellar was horribly expensive. What did it matter when you were a pickle heiress?
“Thank you, Hilton.” Liz gave her a quick hug.
“So you really like this girl?” Hilton queried.
“I do. Melissa is different. I mean aside from the bear thing, she’s sensitive, intuitive and very smart. Plus she’s really cute.”
“The bear’s okay. We’ve all got our little idiosyncrasies. Besides, you’ve got a built-in baby-sitter.” Hilton looked at Liz. She was gorgeous. Tonight she was wearing a soft, light green sweater with a cream-colored blouse and brown slacks. She looked elegantly casual. Her long brown hair was hanging perfectly over her shoulders.
“I don’t get what’s up with Jessie and the bear, but it’s working.”
“It’s nice to see her focused on something other than her crotch.”
“You can that say again. I can do this, right?” Liz asked with trepidation in her voice.
“Of course you can.”
“Okay, well, here goes,” Liz said. She straightened her shoulders and they both climbed the stairs back to the world of light and bears.
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The next day, while Anne was doing her monologue about the bull penis, Jessie came racing into the control room at warp speed with Veronica nipping at her heels, telling her she wasn’t allowed in here.
Jessie was carrying Amelia Bearhart’s little leather aviator’s jacket. “I don’t think you understand the gravity of this emergency.
There’s been a kidnapping, or rather a bearnapping, and I need Hilton’s help,” she said, wildly waving the jacket around for emphasis.
Hilton, Dave and Lillian turned around to see Jessie flapping the tiny jacket around and arguing with Veronica. Jessie was dressed in her usual gym attire, a black Nike warm-up suit. Her short hair was wet around the temples like she’d been running.
When she saw Hilton, Jessie said, “You’ve got to totally help me. Someone took the bear. I need Shannon. She can, like, follow the scent. Thank God, I’ve still got the jacket.” She held it to her breast.
“Hilton, she can’t be in here,” Veronica said, putting her hands on her hips. “Come outside and we’ll discuss the situation. Dave, keep on eye on the Web site.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Once they’d exited, Hilton shut the control room door. She figured Veronica would be on her way now that Jessie had been removed from sacred ground. Instead, she stood waiting for Jessie’s explanation. Hilton got the ball rolling. “Now tell me what happened.”
“I was bear-sitting and I took her to the park. She was sitting on the bench by the playground, you know, by those slides and swingsets. This loose dog came by and this really hot chick was chasing him. I went to help and when I got back the bear was gone.
What the hell am I going to do?” Jessie began waving the jacket around again. “Liz is going to kill me. I knew I shouldn’t have taken on so much responsibility. I’m incapable.”
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Jessie looked so distraught that even hard-hearted Veronica seemed suddenly compassionate.
“Melissa will break up with Liz because she doesn’t have the bear, and I will be solely responsible for destroying their one chance at happiness.”
Dave slipped out of the control room. “Dude, boss lady wants to know what’s going on.”
“Tell her my roommate Jessie lost her teddy bear and she wants Shannon to do a little detective work,” Hilton explained. Dave gave her an odd look and went back inside to relay the information.
Jessie was staring at Hilton intently.
Hilton let out a heavy sigh. “Jessie, Shannon isn’t a blood-hound. She doesn’t know how to track things.”
“Well, can’t she give it a try? All dogs have good sniffers.” Jessie held it out for Shannon, who gave it a perfunctory sniff and then went back to her fleece and brocade bed, a gift from Anne, and went back to sleep. It appeared the crisis was cutting into her nap time. “Hilton, you’ve got to help me,” Jessie pleaded.
“I’m going to. Now, what park were you at?”
“The one on Lincoln and Central.”
“What time?” Hilton asked. She noticed that Veronica had produced a small black notebook from the pocket of her blazer and was jotting this down.
“Twelve-thirty.”
“What was Amelia wearing?” Hilton asked.
“Nothing! I took off her jacket because she looked kind of warm. I figured with her fur and shit. Oh, fuck, she’s gone missing and she’s naked.”
“Jessie, calm down. We’ll find her.”
Jessie was clutching the jacket to her chest. “I’m in so much trouble.”
“I could make flyers and we could put them around the park,”
Veronica said.
Hilton and Jessie turned to look at her in disbelief.
“I’ll make a copy of her picture and we’ll leave contact num-90
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bers. She’s bound to show up. It’ll work,” Veronica said confidently. She gently touched Jessie’s shoulder. Jessie looked at her as if she was a guardian angel.
Dave had come out of the control room. He leaned over and whispered to Hilton, “Dude, I think you’ve been replaced.”
“I see that. It must have been really meaningful.”
“Chicks are like that. Rip your heart out and serve it like a shish kabob. It’s so wrong. By the way, Anne wants to know why a grownup has a teddy bear.”