B0038M1ADS EBOK (41 page)

I feel that having a psychiatrist who understands the culture and
language of the military is important, because once I began to narrate
my story, I didn't have to stop the flow to explain terms. In a short time I
began to open up and narrate my story because I felt safe in the fact that
I would be talking to the same person every time I went to my appointments. Just like hoisting up the flag each morning,- with every session I
opened up and narrated more of my story, without feeling judged, criticized, or analyzed.

My psychiatrist assured me many times that no matter what, the subject was okay, and that it was normal for me to have feelings of anger,
depression, guilt, and loneliness. The more I went to treatment, the more
I appreciated it. Bottom line: I knew that I needed help, and therapy provided a safe atmosphere to be able to tell my story to someone I trusted. The
more I talked, the better I felt. Being able to ask questions and get answers
(both from my doctor and from myself) let the light shine in.

Trust me, you will survive. Hell, you survived combat, right? Remember, you are not alone, my brothers and sisters. You are "normal, " and with
commitment to yourself and the therapy process, the light of joy, happiness,
and life will shine. We combat veterans are an exclusive group. Learn to
put that inner white tiger in the corner, face your demons, run up the white
flag, and lay down your saber. So live, love, forgive, be good to yourself and
others, and stay safe.

This chapter was placed near the end of the LANDNAV section because it
addresses a difficult subject concerning living with and accepting painful
losses resulting from deployment, including things that may seem impossible to "accept." The goal of this chapter-to reach a place of being able
to live with major losses through acceptance-is simple to state, but can be
an enormous challenge.

The word acceptance (and accept) is used frequently in psychotherapy, and
consequently has an overused and "touchy-feely" quality to it. Also, its
definition means agreement, concurrence, or assent, which doesn't have
anything to do with its meaning here. However, there is no better word to
describe the intent and subject of this chapter.

Life frequently involves coming to terms with and accepting losses
that we would rather not have to come to terms with or accept. This can
include injury, illness, accidents, loss of a buddy or loved one, loss of a
relationship, loss of time (something that is often not appreciated), loss of
identity, loss of financial stability, and various other significant losses that
can happen over the course of a lifetime.

Difficult life experiences involving loss are connected with painful
emotions of loss. These include hurt, sadness, grief, fear, anger, depression, hopelessness, worthlessness, despondency, despair, demoralization, guilt, shame, rage, hate, and others. Often these emotions are so intertwined with each other that they become difficult to distinguish.
Emotions of hurt, fear, sadness, or grief can get turned inward in feelings
of despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, guilt, shame, or the desire to die.
Hopelessness and guilt can become substitutes for sadness and grief. Hate
can become a substitute for anger or fear. This chapter acknowledges how
powerful these emotions are, and provides considerations for learning
how to navigate them.

Note that "acceptance" of significant losses is not the same thing as
"making peace with," "finding meaning in," or believing that your life is
guided by the will of God, karma, or an angel of destiny. Your spiritual
beliefs and values are certainly important in the process of acceptance,
but they do not define it. Fundamentally, acceptance is the act that allows
us to come to terms with or live with major losses; acceptance requires us
to acknowledge all of the feelings that relate to a loss, while at the same
time believing in ourselves and our value. This can be a very difficult
thing to achieve.

Life is rarely fair. No one knows this more than a combat veteran.
Bad things happen to good people; random and unexpected things happen that we have very little or no control over, and are in no position to
criticize or judge ourselves for. Yet it's natural when we learn of tragedy
to make judgments by asking in various ways, "Why?" For example, "What
did I do to deserve this terrible diagnosis?" "What could I have done differently to prevent this tragedy from happening?" "Why did this happen
to my buddy and not me?" "How can my spouse be unfaithful and say she
still loves me?" "Why is God punishing me?"

All of these questions we ask ourselves relate to the inherent belief
that we are capable of controlling our destiny. Although the ability to ask
questions like these helps to define who we are as humans, it is also our
downfall, because implicit in each of these questions is the assumption
that our value is measured not by what we do in the face of adversity, but
by the adversity itself that strikes us. If I ask, "Why me?" upon learning that
I have cancer, or "Why him and not me?" after an IED attack, or "Why is
God punishing me?", I am placing a value on myself based on the adversity
that has occurred. Implicit in these questions is, "What did Ido wrong to get cancer?", "It should have been me instead," or "God must be punishing
me because I have sinned."

Our human minds search for cause and effect, for a reason that a
tragedy has occurred, for meaning. Often this is useful. Figuring out why
something happened can prevent a future tragedy of a similar nature,
and can also keep our minds occupied so that we don't dwell so long on
painful feelings. However, we frequently get stuck in the process, trying to
figure out the answer to questions that we are convinced should have an
answer, but have no answer at all-at least, not one that is available to us.

Virtually everyone who has deployed to a war zone is affected, some
much more than others; their loved ones are also affected. Deployment
can be life-changing in positive ways. However, there are also experiences
that happen during combat, or as a result of deployment, which involve
significant loss that no one, not even a highly trained warrior, can sufficiently prepare for.

The skills in this chapter have to do with learning to live with major
losses or tragedy through reaching a place of acceptance. The two principal skills are: 1) doing whatever you need to do to acknowledge and
express your feelings related to a loss, and 2) believing in yourself and
your value. Another key skill is not getting trapped in unanswerable questions that turn painful emotions, such as grief, against you in the form of
self-blame, shame, worthlessness, or the desire to be dead.

SKILL 1: UNDERSTANDING THE EMOTIONS OF LOSS

Warriors often struggle with themselves (and with their loved ones) when
they don't fully realize or accept how many things in their life have changed
as a result of deployment. They want things to go back to "normal." They
want to take off their body armor and let go of some of their memories
and emotions. If a warrior experienced a serious injury, they want to heal
and move on with life to the best of their ability with as few limitations as
possible. Warriors and their loved ones often look forward to being able
to continue with education, pursue relationships, start a family, continue
with careers, or catch up on life goals that they may have put on hold. The recent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have resulted in some warriors and
families putting life goals and aspirations on hold for years.

This forward-looking perspective is very healthy. It provides energy and
motivation for accomplishing goals. However, warriors sometimes plunge
into their goals without fully appreciating where they're plunging from,
and this can result in frustrating situations. For instance, they might pursue an educational goal that they had before deployment but find that the
subject doesn't hold their interest in the same way, that their ability to concentrate on classroom studies isn't what it used to be, or that new family
or work responsibilities make it difficult to achieve this goal. They might
want to return to a previous job they had before mobilization but find that
it's unavailable or has been "restructured." They might try to reunite with
their partner or spouse but find that the relationship has weakened under
the strain of the months (or years) of separation or other stressors, like
infidelity. The warrior might discover that neither they nor their partner is
the same person after deployment. The warrior might find it hard to enjoy
things or connect with loved ones because of war-zone memories or grief.
The warrior might feel like a completely different person, like a foreigner
to their previous self. Having a realistic understanding of how these many
changes and losses are affecting you is essential.

The first skill in this chapter concerns understanding the emotions of loss by recognizing the things that have changed as a result of
deployment, and any feelings associated with these changes. To begin
this exercise, start by answering the questions on the following worksheet. Indicate positive and negative changes that have resulted directly
or indirectly from deployment. Focus on how things have changed in
your life compared to before deployment (this could be before your
first deployment or before your most significant deployment). Positive
changes could include increased self-confidence; greater connection
with your partner, children, or friends; improved career opportunities
related to deployment; increased educational opportunities related to
the GI Bill; improved financial stability from combat pay or promotion;
spiritual growth; greater appreciation for what's important in life; stronger friendships and bonds with peers.