Axel (Ride Series Book 3) (22 page)

He grunted as I stuck my freezing nose against his skin. “Have fun?”

I nodded. “It was good to catch up. We talked more about the situation with Tim. It’s bad, babe. I had no idea. I feel so guilty,” I shook my head.

“She obviously didn’t want to share, darlin’. You both had your reasons for keeping secrets.”

He was certainly right about that.

“True,” I sighed. “I really want to help her with her lawyer. She’s going to need a good one. I told her I’d talk to you about it first. It would mean a lot to me to do something to help her with that money.”

“I think that’s a good idea, babe. Got no problem with that. Her man sounds like a piece of shit. But I gotta ask, are you ever gonna wanna use it for yourself? For Mad?” he countered, his tone quiet but firm.

We hadn’t touched a dime of my trust and though Axel didn’t seem to care about the money, he cared about why I didn’t want to touch it.

“We don’t need it,” I shrugged, hoping he’d let me off easy.

“That’s not why you don’t want to touch it,” he countered, his hand grasping my hair for a moment before continuing his perusal through its strands.

“No,” I murmured, agreeing with him.

“Why then?” He pressed his lips against my temple.

“Because of what it did to me my whole life.” I shuddered.

“So let’s say we use that money to pay for your school if you decide to go back, you gonna become your mother?” his tone was teasing, but I knew he was asking a serious question.

“No,” I shook my head.

“You gonna change the way you love Mad? The way you love me?”

“No,” I repeated, realizing his simple reasoning was actually getting through to me.

“It’s just money, babe. The danger or value is what you do with it; what you let it do to you.”

I looked up at him in the dim light taking in his words.

He gave me a small smile before continuing, “So I’m all right with you helping Jill. I owe the woman more than I can say for helping you when you had no one. But I want you to get to a place where you’re not afraid of it – the money I mean. If that’s the case, then it’s controlling you just as much as it always did.”

Holy hell, he was totally right. He knew me so well.

“You’re right,” I admitted, voicing my thoughts aloud. ”I don’t want that,” I shook my head.

“It’s the last of your trust,” his deep voice rumbled.

“What do you mean?”

“The money,” he shrugged, “you don’t trust it. You think it will change us. I want to see you let that shit go. Believe in our family, in what we have,” he growled.

“I do,” I answered fervently.

“Prove it,” he dared. “I don’t give a fuck what you do with it. Spend it on Jill, spend it on stupid shit, just don’t be afraid of it. Don’t think that something as fucking trivial as money could change us,” he demanded, his voice stronger now.

I had been afraid of that. I realized then that it couldn’t change us. Change me. The very fact he could voice my fears aloud, fears I hadn’t even fully articulated myself, therein lay the difference between what I’d known for most of my life and what we had. Axel understood me better than myself.

He wanted me to be free.

If it was possible, I loved him even more in that very moment.

“Nothing can change us,” I whispered, my lips finding that sweet spot on his collarbone. “Love you, babe,” I breathed, my lips moving higher to his gorgeous mouth.

He pulled me over his body, my legs straddling him as he gripped my upper thighs. “Prove it,” he dared with one of his rare ear-to-ear grins.

Chapter 22

U
nsurprisingly, Axel didn’t go for the whole Jill watching Maddox idea, which is how I found myself holding our very cranky baby in the midst of a very rowdy celebration the following evening.

The club was packed inside with only a few braving the chilly evening to smoke out back. The music blared and drinks were flowing. Axel had been at the club for most of the day, but later collected us from home. I’d tried to tell him once before that maybe Mad and I should stay home but he’d been adamant that we be a part of the celebration, even for just a little while.

I’d passed my driver’s test and would have felt comfortable driving, but we hadn’t gotten around to picking out a car and Axel seemed to feel better that I not drive alone just yet, which I understood.

Well, most days anyway. This party at the club was a perfect example of where I just wanted to pop in, say hello and take my baby home to bed.

There were scantily clad women everywhere fawning over Ryker and the few remaining single men. I sat with Connie watching my brother-in-law soak up the limelight.

“He’s not having any fun,” Connie noted drolly.

I laughed. “Clearly not one for the spotlight,” I nodded with a grin, glad to see Ry so happy.

The grin fell away as I set eyes on my brother. His dark gaze searched the room landing on Axel as his legs ate the space to get closer. I watched him stride across the room his fists clenched and expression grim.

The two men exchanged words with both their eyes glancing my way more than once. I could see a clear “fuck” slip from Axel’s lips.

Well, that couldn’t be good.

Axel turned on his heel walking toward me with measured steps. His expression was difficult to read as his eyes met mine.

“What happened?” I demanded, my heart racing as I held Maddox closer. The noise and commotion around us was suddenly overwhelming. I felt like I couldn’t breathe as panic set in.

My eyes shot between my husband and my brother, beseeching one of them to tell me what the hell was going on.

“Soph,” Sal’s voice was full of sympathy and concern as he regarded me.

That really scared me. My brother was many things. Sympathetic wasn’t one of the emotions I’d seen in him before.

“Tell me what the hell is going on!” I demanded, my eyes wide.

“C’mere,” Axel coaxed as quietly as the noise in the room would allow. He took my hand leading me back toward the offices. I held Maddox with my other arm focusing on the warmth and solidity of his little body.

Sal followed us, his hands shoved in his pockets his head hung low.

“I want to take you home,” Axel stated when we’d rid ourselves of the crowd.

“You want to drive all the way home without telling me what’s happening?” I demanded incredulously.

He sighed, his hand cupping the back of his neck looking to the ceiling as though it would provide him with an answer.

Studying them both, my eyes shot between them. This wasn’t about an impending threat. No, this was something different. They were upset – for me.

Suddenly I knew.

“It’s my father, isn’t it?” I choked out with stunning clarity. My limbs began to shake when they didn’t rush to dispute me.

“Come here, buddy.” Sal held his arms out for Mad, taking his weight from me and holding him close.

I looked to Axel, my eyes imploring him as he pulled me close, his chin resting on the top of my head.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying desperately to grapple with what his apology meant.

My father was dead.

The imposing, larger-than-life figure who had ruled so much of my life. He was…gone. He hadn’t been warm. He’d been distant and stern. He expected so much and gave nothing in return. He always had his own agenda that much had been made especially clear in the last year. But, he was still my dad.

I was overwhelmed with the fact that he’d been wiped from the earth.

“He’s…” I couldn’t say the words as I clutched the fabric of Axel’s t-shirt in my fist.

“Yeah, baby he’s gone. I’m sorry,” he replied, his hand clutching my hair pulling me closer.

I looked up at him through tears, surprised by his sympathy. “You’re sorry?” I queried.

“Sophie,” his voice was hoarse as his grey eyes lit with emotion peering down at me. “Does this hurt you?”

I nodded.

“Then, baby, I am sorry,” he emphasized the words, his expression pierced with sincerity.

“What happened?” I asked hoarsely.

Axel and Sal exchanged a look as though unsure what to share.

“He was killed, Soph,” Sal’s voice returned as Maddox squealed, pulling his lip.

My child’s squeal of delight was such an odd contrast to the solemnity in the room.

“Killed how?” I pressed, pulling away from Axel and crossing my arms protectively around myself.

“Murdered,” Sal admitted quietly.

I nodded numbly, tears spilling over.

“Let me take you home. I’ll tell you what I know with you wrapped up in our bed,” Axel coaxed quietly.

“I’ll follow you,” Ry was suddenly in the doorway, his expression grim. “I’ll watch this guy,” his chin lifted to Mad.

“Me too,” Jill added, stepping in behind Ry.

Clearly, news had spread.

“But this is your night,” I protested, wiping my face with the back of my hand.

“This night’s about what it means to have a family,” Ry returned. “You’re family,” he shrugged before his eyes turned to his brother. “Take her home, man. Take my bike. I’ll put Mad in your truck and be right behind you.”

Axel nodded. “Let’s go, baby,” he murmured, wrapping an arm around me and guiding me into the chilly night beyond.

As soon as we arrived home, Axel led me through the dark house to our room. He started a shower, letting the warm water steam up the space.

He undressed me without a word, his large hands finding every button, every clasp without any help from me.

He led us under the spray and held me close as the water rushed over us.

His large hands found their way into my hair as he washed it, his fingers rubbing through my scalp.

He said all he could without words. His body enshrouded mine, anchoring me while I fought against an emotional sea.

We stood under the spray until the water turned cold. Then he guided me out, drying me carefully. He led me into our dark bedroom, drawing the covers back and guiding me underneath.

I only lost him for a moment while he turned out the bathroom light and slid in to meet me.

Still we didn’t speak.

I listened to the sounds of our home, of Ryker and Jill murmuring to each other quietly in the living room.

I tried to grasp the reality that my father was gone.

“He was so awful and I’m so sad,” I admitted brokenly, finally after what must have been hours of silence.

“I know, baby,” he replied, holding me closer still.

“What happened?” I managed to ask.

The silence stretched for many long moments. “We don’t know everything yet. I can only guess that someone didn’t want the police to find him first,” he surmised grimly. “Or for our club to be able to ask him questions,” he added. “There were a lot of loose ends we wanted him to tie up including who was feeding him inside information.”

“Is my mother okay? Does she know?” I demanded.

“Sal’s checking on her now,” he assured me.

I groaned, confused and conflicted. “Why do I feel so worried? So sad? When they were nothing but awful to me and Sal?”

“I wish it were as simple as that, babe,” he sighed. “I wish you could remember that, – have it take away your pain. That’s not who you are.” He sighed.

“He didn’t want Maddox to exist, yet I can’t believe he never laid eyes on his only grandchild,” I murmured sorrowfully.

He simply pulled me tighter. Really, there were no words to soothe my chaotic emotions.

“Did the Black Riders do this?” I demanded after a few long moments.

“We don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe,” he added hesitantly.

“If they did?” I questioned.

He sighed and I heard his hand rustle over his beard. “If they did, then it depends on why, Soph. It could mean war,” he admitted.

“That doesn’t sound good,” I squeaked out.

“No,” he agreed. “Cal is on it, along with the rest of the guys.”

“And you’re here with me,” I interjected, the realization finally dawning on me.

“Yeah,” he replied.

I pulled away from his body, looking down into his face. “You don’t want to be with them?” I asked.

He grunted. “There’ll be a time,” he assured me with a nod, pulling me back down to him. “But I realized something recently. My loyalty and my love for the club – it doesn’t mean anything if I don’t have your back,” he explained quietly.

My heart thudded impatiently at his words, hungry to swallow them whole.

“I’ll always have your back too,” I assured him.

“I know. Can you sleep?” he murmured, his lips against my temple.

“Maybe,” I sighed, feeling completely wrung out. “If you’re here,” I added.

“Nowhere else I would be, babe,” he assured me, his bare skin warming mine.

“I love you,” I sighed.

“Love you,” he returned, kissing my hair.

I drifted off on a wave that crested between sleep and wakefulness. My father’s image persisted in my mind as a shadow in the periphery of my childhood. It wasn’t until I focused on the image of Axel holding Maddox that I drifted off in peace. Imagining my husband hold and love our child through my sleep muddled brain brought a smile across my lips.

Axel had given me that – peace.

That and so much more.

Chapter 23

“I
want that one. Our ceiling is high enough,” I stated, hands on my hips as Axel eyed me warily. We’d been scouring the Christmas tree lot for the perfect tree for going on an hour and clearly he was over it.

It had been a week since my father died. Every day I worked to accept that he was actually gone. The hardest part was the lack of closure. On some level, I realized I’d hoped to have that with him. To at least understand what had driven him to do all the things he’d done. I’d have to find that closure within myself. It would take time.

Things with the Black Riders were still uncertain. Axel hadn’t shared much but I knew if there was immediate danger, he’d tell me. For the time being, the guys were pretty guarded on the details. Frankly, I didn’t have the capacity to deal with it anyway and didn’t ask. I trusted Axel to take care of it.

The holidays were a welcomed distraction. I’d decorated the house with close to an obnoxious amount of cheer. Ax had helped where he could and stayed out of the way when he needed to, which was often. I was determined to have our first Christmas as a family be as close to perfect as possible.