Awakening (34 page)

“Fine,” I snap. “He better not take too long.”

Ryan laughs and sits on the stool. I sit on him and look into the booth next door.

Oh, man. The guy is completely naked. He’s older, I can tell from his balding head and pot belly. This is so not sexy. Watching him like this is making me feel slimy and giving me a queasy stomach. I squirm a little on Ryan’s lap.

“Um, Ryan,” I start. Just then the guy stands up and slams his body into the glass window, mushing his dick and large stomach onto the window. I spring up, but can still see his mushed hard on splayed on the glass.

“Holy shit.” Ryan jumps up and shields me from the window.

“What the fuck?” I bolt.

I tear at the rope to let me out, running through the hallway back to the store. I need out. Right now. I feel the eyes of a store employee on me as I run out to the parking lot.

“Nora. Wait. God damn it. Wait.” I hear Ryan behind me. I stop at the car, breathing heavily. That was so gross. I hated that. Hated it. Oh God, how am I going to get that image out of my head?

“Nora. Please, just wait a sec. I’m sorry. That scared the shit out of me, too. That was really random. I’m so sorry.” Ryan approaches the car.

My head is spinning and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I need to shower. I need to leave this place.

“This is fucked up. That was fucked up. Get me out of here, now!” I shout at him.

He beeps the car locks and I wrench open the door. Suddenly, everything seems blurry. My skirt is too small and won’t cover my legs enough. My blouse is too thin and I’m cold. I reach around for a jacket or a blanket, anything to hide me.

Ryan gets in and sees me trembling. He gives me his sweatshirt from the back.

“Jesus, Nora. Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay. I’m so sick of being attacked! I can’t stand this anymore.” I’m hyperventilating.

We pull out of the parking lot onto the main road. I’m so upset, I can barely see straight.

“Nora, that man didn’t attack you. What do you mean sick of being attacked? No one has attacked you.”

“Ryan, you don’t know shit about my life because when I call you, you’re too damn busy to talk to me. So fuck you. What the fuck happened back there?” I’m screaming now. It feels good to scream, but I know I’m not making any sense.

“I don’t know what the hell that was back there. That guy lost it. But up until then, we were fine. We need to make better boundaries. We won’t do that again.” Ryan matches my volume.

The cars zip past us, headlights blazing into the car, blinding me further and feeding my rage.

“Fuck boundaries. I need to move. I need a bodyguard. I need a life.” I break down in sobs. Somewhere deep in my brain I know I’m acting like a complete idiot, but I can’t hold it together anymore.

Ryan says nothing while I cry next to him. We park on the street next to my apartment and wait. For a while neither one of us says anything, we just sit in the car, waiting.

“Nora. Who attacked you?” Ryan asks me quietly.

“It was just—” I start, not sure how to continue.

Ryan waits, knowing there is more. I wipe my eyes and start talking.

“Okay. So, you know Darren got really strange when we broke up, right? And that all started a few weeks before.” I pause.

Ryan says nothing.

“Anyway, I didn’t really know what was going on with him, but when we broke up he seemed to have lost it. He accused me of all kinds of shit.” I take a deep breath and steal a look at Ryan. He looks impassive as he waits for me to continue, but I can see the fire in his eyes and his jaw muscle twitching.

“Anyway. Darren got really strange at the end, and as I was saying, he sort of lost it. I just thought it was because of the stress of the break up. Remember when he showed up at my place as if nothing had changed?”

Ryan nods his head, his jaw muscle clenched tight.

“Well, the other night he attacked me on the street,” I finish, quickly.

“WHAT?” Ryan roars, sitting up. “He did what to you? He attacked you the other night? Did he hurt you?” His eyes are wide with fury and his hands are in fists.

“No. But he scared the shit out of me. I had to knee him in the balls, and I hurt my knee. He was drunk and just pissed me off. I had to carry a big flash light around when I came home after class.”

Ryan breathes out a long breath, raking his hand through his hair. “What class?” He asks, sort of absently.

“A lot happened this week, Ryan. I started a class. I was coming home from my first class on Tuesday, and he tried to grab me on the street.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell didn’t you call me?” Sweat breaks out on his forehead and his breathing is erratic.

“I did call you. You got pissed at me for disturbing you,” I say, the tension clear in my voice.

He freezes. For a long moment he doesn’t breathe. He turns and looks at me. “Oh, my God,” he whispers. “I am so sorry, Nora. My God, I’m such a dick.”

He looks destroyed. His shoulders are suddenly concave and he’s holding his stomach.

“I want to go home now,” I say, and start to get out of the car. I just want to get upstairs and go to sleep. The highs and lows of the last week have done me in, and all I can think about is crawling into my bed and hiding from the world.

“Nora. Wait for me.” Ryan gets out and walks me to the elevator.

We go up in silence. When we get inside I go straight to the shower, pulling off my clothes as I walk. Ryan follows me and waits while I shower. He’s still in the bathroom when I pull the shower curtain back for my towel.

“Nora. Please forgive me.” He’s pleading again, but this time there is nothing sensual or salacious about it.

“There’s nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. I’m the one with a fucked up ex.” I dry off and head to the bedroom.

“But I’m a dick and I’m sorry about tonight. I fucked up and pushed us too far.”

“Yeah. That’s true,” I say, monotone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want to go to sleep.

“Can I stay with you?” he asks, as I crawl into bed.

“You know, Ryan, I think it would be best if I was alone. I’m safe now. I need space. This whole thing—I just need to be alone.”

I don’t look at his face when I answer him. I just put my head on the pillow and shut off the light. I have nothing left to give him.

After a little while I hear him sigh and walk out. The last thing I hear is the front door closing.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

In the morning I wake to pounding on my front door. Stumbling into the living room, barely wrapping myself in my robe, I open the door. Ryan is standing on my doorstep, two Starbuck coffees in hand.

“Morning!” he says sternly and breezes in.

“Come on in,” I say, sarcastically, and close the door behind him.

I follow him into the living room, trying to wake up. God, did I not tell him I needed space?

“Here, I know you’re not a morning person, but nothing helps like a Grande Latte Special.” He hands me a cup and settles on the couch.

Okay. I guess he’s staying. I wait, staring at him.

“You look stunning this morning.” Ryan smiles at me.

Oh God. I must look like crap. I showered and went straight to bed and tossed and turned all night. Is he teasing me? He wouldn’t dare.

“Young, you really should check yourself out. Your hair is awesome.”

Crap. He’s teasing me.

I turn on my heel and march down the hall. I don’t want to know what I look like. I go back into my bed and curl up under the covers.

Soon enough, I hear his footsteps in the hall and the door opening.

“Nora. Please don’t shut me out right now.” His voice is completely different than moments before. It’s raw and scared.

I sit up and notice that he’s wearing the same thing he wore last night. “Why are you still in your clothes? Did you go out last night?”

“No. I did not go out last night. I slept in the car,” he says, quietly.

“Why did you sleep in your car?” I ask, baffled.

“Jesus, Nora. You scared the crap out of me last night. I couldn’t leave you here alone. I figured you’d kick me out if you found me on the couch, so I slept in the car.”

He sips his coffee, his face impassive.

“You what? Are you crazy?” I get out of bed again and stare at him. None of this is making any sense.

“You’re pissed because I slept in my car to make sure your crazy ex doesn’t come in and attack you?” he asks, incredulously.

“Okay, wow. First of all, I was safe in my house. Second, Darren has only approached me on the street. He has a key to this place, for Pete’s sake. If he wants in, all he has to do is open the front door!” I yell at him.

It’s too early to be yelling. It’s too early to be this upset. I take a few breaths and try a sip of my coffee. Oh, it’s good.

“Did you just say that Darren has a key to this place? Nora, what the fuck? How can you say that you’re safe here?” Ryan starts pacing. This room is too small for both of us to pace. I push my way past him and head to the bathroom.

Why am I so angry with him? Oh shit! Ryan is right, my hair is a nightmare. I run the sink water. There’s nothing left to do but rewet it and try again. I feel Ryan behind me, seething.

He starts talking, but my head is under the water.

“Hold on. I can’t hear you,” I yell from under the faucet.

When I think my hair is wet enough, I stop the water and wring it out. Ryan hands me a towel.

“Thanks.” Even in a fight, he’s polite. That’s a new one for me.

“Nora. You can’t tell me that Darren tried to attack you, tell me that he has a key to your place, then tell me I shouldn’t worry about you.”

“Okay, fine. I didn’t think it through. I just think sleeping in the parking lot is a little extreme. That’s all.” I flip the towel over my head and march back to the bedroom, looking for something to wear other than a robe.

Pulling on a pair of sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt, I have a thought. But first, I have to deal with my hair. Marching back to the bathroom, I pull out my hairbrush and get to work.

Wet, my hair is easy to deal with. In dry climates it’s soft and silky, but when it gets humid or if I go to bed with it wet, it often looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket.

Setting down my brush, I turn to Ryan.

“This isn’t about Darren, is it?”

I watch for his reaction. He stays impassive and continues to drink his latte.

“Part of it is,” he says, his voice back to a clipped tone.

“And the other part?” I wait.

As if we both notice that we’re standing in my bathroom at the same time, we head back to the living room.

“Ryan, I just don’t think—” I start, but he spins around and holds up his hands, cutting me off.

“Nora, please. Wait. Just hear me out. Please.” Now his voice is pleading and urgent.

I wait.

“I’m sorry,” he says, quietly.

“Sorry about what?”

“I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry about my job. I’m sorry about Darren. I’m sorry I didn’t take your call last week. I’m sorry about last night.” He’s close to me; I feel his breath on my face. But he hasn’t touched me.

“Ryan. Darren is not your fault. Now last night, yeah, that was. I don’t ever want to do that again.” I rush the words out.

“Never again,” he says, looking like a boy scout.

“Wow, that was fast.” I laugh. “Thought you were into all that?”

“Jesus, Nora. I thought you were, too. But that doesn’t mean I want to go back there if you don’t. The point is not the bookstore. The point is you.” Now he sounds angry.

Oh. The point is me?

“You didn’t think that was my entire agenda, did you?” he asks as if he’s in agony.

“No,” I say, slowly. “But I thought after what Hannah said and after The Phoenix, that was what you liked.”

He takes a step back and starts pacing the room. “Don’t listen to fucking Hannah. She’s a nutcase. I mean it, she is fucking nuts. And yes, I like to go out and show you off. But that’s not a deal breaker.”

A deal breaker. What’s he saying? “Are we breaking up?” I ask, before I can even formulate the question.

Ryan stops pacing and looks at me. “Aren’t we? Isn’t that what happened last night?”

I deflate completely. Sinking into the couch, I breathe out. “Jesus. Couldn’t we just have a fight?”

My stomach is in knots, coffee and fear swirling together. I might puke.

“Are we breaking up because I didn’t like the bookstore?” I ask.

Suddenly, Ryan is at my side. “Look. I don’t want to break up. I don’t care about the bookstore. Don’t get me wrong; it was off the charts fucking incredible until that guy freaked out on us. And you in The Phoenix, that was unbelievable. But if you’re not into that, I’m not. None of it. Please, Nora. You took my breath away when we met. Everything changed for me. You have no idea how much.”