Awakening (13 page)

When I open my eyes I see that Darren is making his own coffee. Good, maybe he’ll calm down. I read a bit, but mostly I just drink the coffee and try to wrap my brain around the last week. Where do I even start with him?

He comes in the living room with his own coffee and sits down. After a moment or two, I feel ready.

“So, Darren. Let’s talk,” I start.

He laughs. “So now you’re ready?”

“Yes. Thank you for waiting for me to wake up. Why are you here?”

“You don’t know?”

“Okay. I can guess why you’re here. But you’re the one who showed up this morning. So please, by all means, tell me what’s on your mind.”

He looks at me, his face hardening while his eyes narrow. “Don’t be a condescending bitch.”

Whoa! Did he just say that?

I take a deep breath and a long sip of my coffee.

“Wow, okay. What the hell is going on? You barge in here like there’s a fire or somebody died. It’s Sunday morning, for Christ’s sake. I slept in. What the hell is the problem?”

“You’re asking me what the problem is? You? I know what you have been doing Nora. And I think it’s real shitty.” Darren is seething.

“Uh. What have I been doing? You’re pissed because I want to go to law school and get on with my life?” I’m reaching here, but I have no idea what he is so pissed about.

“Nora. I don’t give a shit if you go to law school or not. I just got tired of hearing you pine away about it. God!” He gets up and starts pacing the room.

“Well, it’s good to know that you don’t give a shit about my life. This is good. Let’s clear the air here.” I toss the blanket off and get up too.

“You think I don’t know what you’ve been doing? Working late, staying up late. Still asleep at almost noon! I’m not stupid, Nora. I know.”

At this, I freeze. Does he know I think Ryan is attractive? Does he know I’ve been reevaluating our whole relationship all week? I stop pacing to look at him across the room.

“What do you think you know?” I ask, slowly.

He laughs and yes, he sounds psychotic. “What do you think you know?” he says in a high pitched, mocking voice. “Jesus Christ. Who is he? Some guy from work?”

“Who is who? You think I’m sleeping with someone?” I am incredulous.

“Oh, come on. High heels all week? Don’t think I didn’t notice you running in late with your shoes in your hands. Working late. I saw you, Nora. I saw you!” He is screaming at me. Spit flying, wild-eyed, hand throwing, screaming.

“What did you see, Darren? What exactly did you see? Because from where I’m sitting, you’re looking pretty fucking insane right now.”

I feel no better than he looks, but I am so angry I can’t stop myself from yelling right back at him. My chest tightens, causing pain to radiate down my arms. Coffee threatens to come back up. No longer pacing, I am now rooted to the spot, watching him.

He crosses his arms and stares at me. His eyes are cold and unrecognizable. I never knew this man had so many faces. Maybe I never knew him? Maybe he never knew me.

“I was at your office, and I saw you and a man in the conference room. It was late. On a Friday night. Who the hell works late on a Friday night? That is just bull shit.”

I start laughing. Wild, uncontrollable laughter.

“So. I tell you I’m working late, and you know I have a huge conference next week, but whatever, I tell you I’m working late and then you stalk me at my office and discover what? THAT I AM WORKING LATE AT MY OFFICE!”

“With a man, Nora. That man does not work at your office!”

“That’s right, Darren. He doesn’t work at my office. HE IS THE CLIENT! You imbecile. We were putting together the marketing materials for the conference. Julie had a date. And I didn’t want to work yesterday, so he said he could stay and help.”

He starts pacing again. I have a huge headache. All this screaming is exhausting. I walk back to the kitchen to make more coffee. I don’t want it, but it’s something to do.

While I watch the coffee stream into the cup, a thought hits me. “If you thought I was sleeping with that guy, why didn’t you come talk to me yesterday?”

“I did come here yesterday,” he scoffs.

“Ah. Okay.” I stir in my cream and sugar, still completely confused.

“Oh yeah. You think I don’t know these things. I was here watching you all day. And you ran away from me.” He’s standing right behind me in the kitchen.

I pick up the coffee and turn to face him. We are inches from each other, which suddenly feels much too close.

“That was you? Were you stalking me?”

He just stares at me and blinks.

I slip past him with my coffee; I need more space between us. This is all too much. “Darren, you scared the shit out of me last night?”

“Only the guilty run, Nora. Only the guilty.” He leans into me, closing the space between us making me feel panicky. I push past him and head back to the living room. “God, why does it always have to be about sex with you. What are you some sort of sexual deviant? It’s like you just want all this attention, you want to be some sort of superstar. Have you lost your fucking mind?” He rants.

“What? Can you please stop playing word games and just talk to me. I’m not having an affair, if that’s what you are so worked up about. I do think there is something going on with us that we should talk about.” I freeze halfway from the kitchen to the living room and turn around to face him.

Darren is still standing in the kitchen. His wide, cold eyes are following me, his mouth twisted angrily. His face is pale and his hands are shaking. For the first time in my life, I feel afraid of him.

“You are sleeping with someone. You’re a two timing bitch. I’m done, Nora. I’m not playing games here. You are. You have played me long enough. We are over. Go fuck whoever you want. Don’t ever call me again.”

My mouth falls open, stunned. No thoughts form in my head, I am numb.

I watch as he storms out of the kitchen to the front door. Without looking back he swings the door open and walks through it. Just as I am about to speak the door slams, shaking the apartment.

Just like that, three years of my life walked out the door. Just like that, Darren is gone. All my worry and fret about his feelings and owing him the time and space to work out our differences is gone.

Staring at the door, I wait. Waiting for what, I’m not sure? Waiting for tears? Waiting for sadness? Waiting for him to come back? After a moment, I realize that none of those things are coming. He’s not coming back and there are no tears. A while back I would have been devastated, or at least sad, but right now, I’m just nothing.

I find my coffee and heat it up in the microwave. It’s nearly one o’clock I note, numbly, as half thoughts and questions keep forming in my head and then evaporate before I can understand them.

I curl up on the couch. What the hell just happened here? I take inventory of what I can make sense of.

Darren didn’t believe me when I told him I was working late on Friday night and drove by the office to check. He sees me with Ryan and believes we are screwing in the office? Really?

Darren comes over last night and stalks me while I unload groceries from my car? Really?

Darren comes bursting in here this morning and then he breaks up with me. Is that what really just happened?

My thoughts keep coming back to that one. Darren broke up with me. Wasn’t I going to do the same to him? Am I mad that he did it first? No, not really.

I take another deep breath. And then reality hits that I am actually relieved. Holy shit, I’m single! All this energy I was devoting to keeping him happy and keeping him excited is no longer necessary. Without thinking, I jump up from the couch and squeal.

Childish, yes, but damn, that feels good. I remember his words, “two timing bitch.” I wish it didn’t have to get so nasty.

I feel dirty and in desperate need of a shower. Feeling possessed, I run to the bathroom and start the hot water. I let the water run over me and scrub myself clean, but I still have this feeling when I’m done and dressed. I start cleaning my entire house again. I clean for over two hours and still feel antsy.

My apartment is only so big, so I decide to go for a run. It’s only after running three miles and stumbling back to my apartment that I am able to calm down. Back in the shower the water feels healing and soft. I can now admit that I am sad. Darren was a great boyfriend in the beginning and I’m sad that it’s over. As the anger finally wears off the tears start coming.

When the water runs cold I turn it off and get out. Now my eyes are red and puffy and my legs are shaky from the run. The only good news is that my house is immaculate and the week’s shopping is already done.

I put on my softest PJs and head to the kitchen to make dinner. As I fix my meal, I realize that this is perfect. No longer tied to anything or anyone, this is the perfect time to change my life and shape it the way I want it shaped. Time to take, and keep, complete control over my life.

Look out world, here I come.

CHAPTER TEN

Sitting at my desk sipping coffee, I try to focus on the conference. It’s just not working. I must stop thinking about Darren and our break up, yesterday it seemed easy, today not so much. I’m staring at emails, graphs, and seating charts, trying to hold the event in my head, and it’s not going well. Resting my head against the back of my chair, I breathe. I have one more day to pull this together.

“Yo! Nora. We need you to take a look at these.” Julie peers into my office with that dreaded look again.

“Oh, God. Now what?” I stand up and let her lead me out the door.

She marches back to the conference room. All of the marketing packets we put together Friday night are stacked neatly in the corner, but the rest of the room is a complete wreck. Boxes are half open with their contents spilled out onto the floor. White tablecloths, plastic centerpieces, books, and sets of pencils are thrown about everywhere.

“My God, Julie. What the hell happened in here?” I force myself to walk into the room because I hate this kind of chaos.

“Oh. Don’t worry. It’s not as bad as it looks. The delivery for our conference and Colleen’s came in on the same truck. We are trying to sort it all out. I need you to look at the tablecloths. I think they’re the right ones, but just to be sure I thought you should see them.” She holds up a large white tablecloth.

“Yeah, that looks right. They have that double run along the edge right? Mrs. Foster was excited about that.” I look around the room absently, staring at the mess.

“Hey!” I hear Julie yell, bringing me back to reality. “What’s up with you?”

“Sorry. It was a strange weekend. I’ll get over it.” I smile and try to convince her everything is fine.

“Yeah, you mentioned that once or twice. I don’t believe you’re over anything for a second, but in the interest of time I’m letting you off the hook, for the moment.” She refolds the tablecloth and puts it back in the box.

I watch as she closes the box and pulls out a large sharpie, writing RFC on it. My mind slips back to the fight with Darren. A sexual deviant? Really? Drawing too much attention to myself. Who is he kidding? I blow out a breath and try to get my head around work. I’m frustrated with myself. Yesterday, I was fine.

“Nora?” Julie is standing right in front of me now holding the capped sharpie. “Nora, what happened to you?”

“Well. Darren broke up with me.”

“What? That bastard! This weekend? Are you okay?”

“Yesterday. I was going to break up with him, so actually, I’m relieved. But he was just so strange, and it got nasty.” I’m not sure I want to tell her the details.

Julie shakes her head. “Wait, what? Darren broke up with you yesterday and this is the first I’m hearing about it? And since when were you going to break up with Darren?”

I laugh at her look of total bewilderment. “Since I came to my senses. You, of all people, should be happy about it. I haven’t told anyone and we’ve been a little busy today.”

“Yeah, that’s true. But I never thought you’d really do it. So the fucker got nasty huh?” She crosses her arms and looks stern.

“He called me a sexual deviant and said I was drawing too much attention to myself. He said I just wanted to be a superstar, whatever that even means. Anyway, the bastard is gone.”

“I knew it. I knew he could never handle the real you.”

“Pardon the interruption.”

Julie and I spin around to the door to find Ryan standing in the doorway. He is wearing a white shirt and tan pants with a tan tie. One hand rests casually in his pocket while the other is holding a leather briefcase. He looks divine. His chocolate and chestnut eyes are sparkling and fixated on me. Oh my God, I have no idea how long he has been standing there.

“Hi, Ryan.” Julie seems to have recovered much faster than I have.

Ryan doesn’t answer her; he’s looking straight at me. His eyes are burning a hole into my brain. He knows. He heard enough to know that I am no longer in a relationship. My heart skips and electricity runs up and down my body, and a slow smiles spreads across his face.