Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (43 page)

Mac’s next question pulls me from my thoughts.

“How is she?”

I hate when they talk about me. I know they are concerned and only want to help, but I just wish they would all go away for a while. Is this how Nick felt when everyone was hounding him all the time? No wonder he was always in such a rotten mood.

“The same,” says Bailey. I can hear the pain in her voice. “I don’t know what to do. She won’t eat and she sleeps all the time. I’ve tried getting her to talk to me, but she won’t. She just lies in there and stares off into space.”

God! Don’t they realize I can hear them?

“She’ll come around. Just give her a bit more time.”

Someone else says something, but it’s so low I can’t understand them. Sick of hearing them talk about me behind my back, I drag my tired body from the bed and decide to make myself known. Contrary to their belief, I don’t sleep all the time. Actually, I barely sleep at all, because I’m still plagued by dreams. I just pretend I’m asleep when they come in the room so I don’t have to deal with them. I’m being a selfish bitch, but I don’t have it in me.

The creak of my door opening has everyone quieting. I walk down the hall on bare feet and go straight to the kitchen without looking at them. I can feel their eyes on me. I probably look like shit in my ratty sleep pants and Nick’s wrinkled shirt that almost comes to midthigh. I haven’t brushed my hair since I’ve been home, so I’m sure it looks like a rat’s nest.

I walk to the cabinet by the fridge and get a glass and fill it with water from the tap. I guzzle it down, then refill it. I feel someone come up behind me.

“Chris?”

I don’t answer Bailey, just stare at the wall in front of me.

“How are you feeling?” she asks timidly.

“Like I just lost a baby,” I tell her dully. How else am I supposed to feel?

I hear Bailey’s sharp inhale at my blunt reply. I need to tone it down. I don’t want to hurt Bailey. She’s the last person I want to hurt. She knows what I’m going through and we’ve always been there for each other. All she’s doing, all everyone is doing, is being there for me. I know she’s hurting too. I’m sure watching me go through what she went through multiple times is killing her inside.

I set the glass down on the counter and turn to face Bailey. I’m not surprised when I see them all standing there watching me with sorrowful expressions. I focus solely on Bailey.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” I tell her.

She takes a few steps toward me, but stops, like she’s unsure of my reaction to her closeness. “No,” she says softly. “It was a stupid question. I shouldn’t have asked it.”

Tears prick my eyes for the thousandth time. I look down at my bare feet and try my hardest to push them away. I’m so tired of crying all the time. I only knew I had my baby in my belly for nine days, while some woman go through months of knowing about their babies, only to end up losing them. My situation could have been so much worse, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I just want her back
! I silently cry in my head.

“Oh sweetie,” Bailey says mournfully. Seconds later, her arms wrap around me, drawing my body into hers. I sag against her with my head on her shoulder and let the tears fall once again. I don’t sob uncontrollably like I have been. This is more of a hollow cry, where I just let the tears flow, feeling almost detached from them.

I pull back from her, wipe my face, and look over her shoulder at the others. Jase looks like he’s about to break down himself. His eyes are red and look tired. I’m sure seeing his sister like this is hard on him. Andrew is standing behind him but off to the side with his hand on Jase’s waist. He doesn’t look much better. Neither does Mac.

“I can hear you all,” I tell them quietly. They look confused, so I enlighten them. I can’t deal with hearing them talk about me like I’m some child that’s been abused. “When you talk out here, I can hear it. The walls are pretty thin.”

Guilt washes over their faces. Jase moves to stand in front of me. I hate the sympathy I see in his eyes.

He places both palms on my cheeks and says in a low voice, “We’re just worried about you. You won’t talk to any of us. You need to talk to someone.”

“I’m not ready for that, Jase. It’s only been a few days. Give me some time and space.”

His look of understanding sends a wave of relief through me. I hope what I said is right. I hope one day I can open up and be able to talk without it crushing me so much.

He nods and bends to place a kiss on my forehead before letting me go.

“I want you all to go home. You need to get back to your lives. I’ll be okay here by myself.”

“Chris—” Jase and Bailey begin to object.

“No, Jase.” I start with him. “You have a shop to run. You need to get back to it. Joe’s counting on you. I won’t let you jeopardize that.” I turn to Bailey. “And you need to get back to your family. Until now, you hated leaving Amari even for just a few hours. I know it’s killing you leaving her like you have. I’ll be fine. And if it makes you feel better, you can come check on me. But I need time alone and knowing you are a room away isn’t giving me that.”

They both look like they want to argue again. I look from one to the other, showing them with my expression that I’m not backing down on this.

“Okay.” Although I see the reluctance in his eyes, Jase agrees first. “But promise me if you need anything, you’ll call one of us.”

“I will.”

“And you have to eat,” Bailey adds. “And please don’t stay in bed all day. It’s not good for you. You need to move around.”

“I’ll do my best,” I reply. That’s the most I can give her.

“That’s not good enough, Chris,” she says firmly. “I’ll bring by something to eat each evening and check on you to see if you need anything.”

“I’m not an invalid. I can make my own food,” I tell her. This is ridiculous.

“It’ll make me feel better,” she says softly.

Giving in, I nod.

“I’m going to lie back down for a bit.”

Jase and Bailey hug me one more time before I walk to the doorway of the kitchen where Andrew and Mac are.

Andrew pulls me into a tight hug. When he pulls back, he wipes away the few tears that are still lingering on my cheeks.

“I hate seeing you like this,” he says, his deep voice rough.

“I know. I’ll be okay.” I try to give him a reassuring smile, but it falls flat.

“I know you will be.” Leaning forward, he kisses my lips lightly and lets me go.

Mac steps forward next for his own hug. As much as all these hugs are starting to annoy me, I also love them. I’m so blessed to have so many friends.

At my ear, Mac whispers, “I’m so sorry, Chris. Please know we’re here if you need anything.”

I nod and pull back from him. I’m so damn tired, I just want to crawl back in my bed and pretend to sleep again.

Leaving the kitchen, I turn to face them one more time.

“Please leave Nick alone,” I tell them, but my gaze locks on Jase.

His jaw goes hard, but eventually he nods.

Satisfied, I leave them and go back to my room and slide beneath my covers. I don’t sleep though. Instead, I just continue my vigilant stare at nothing.

A couple days later, after getting a measly few hours of sleep, I wake to something hot and hard pressed against my back. It feels and smells incredibly good. I snuggle deeper into my blanket and bask in the glory of it. I haven’t felt this comfortable in days. I don’t want to open my eyes because I’m scared the feeling will go away. The arm around my waist tightens. I know who it is. I want to push away from him, and I will in a minute, but I want to give myself this one moment before I do. I’ve missed seeing, feeling, and smelling Nick so much that I ache all the time. I want to reach out to him and have him hold me just like he is now, but I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll be hurt by him again. I’m not under the illusion that he miraculously is over Anna and can now move on. I’m not important enough for him to be able to do that. I’ll never be that for him.

Judging by his behavior he feels guilt for what happened, but that still doesn’t tell me he’s not secretly glad he’s no longer stuck being a father to a child he never wanted.

After having a couple days to think, my resentment toward him has lessened. Although I still hate him for suggesting I give the baby up, I can’t blame him any longer for not wanting something he never asked for. Yes, it still hurts that he reacted the way he did and then left me afterwards, but it was a big shock for him. Many men in his situation would have acted the same way. I’ll never know if his feelings would have changed.

That thought brings on another bout of anguish.

The head that’s pressed into my hair shifts. Time to end this now, before I let the feeling get to me and decide to never let him go.

I’m lifting his arm to move away from him when he whispers hoarsely, “Please don’t.”

I tense and ask despondently, “How did you get in here?”

“I still have the key Jaxon gave me the night of your migraine,” he mumbles into my hair.

“Why are you here?” I’ve been wondering this since the first time I realized he was staying out in my hallway.

It takes him a minute to answer, and when he does, his voice is thick with emotion.

“Because I need to be. I need to be here with you. I left you alone, Chris, and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. I said things I can’t take back. I hurt you in the worst possible way, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

I don’t know exactly what he’s saying, and I don’t ask him to clarify because I’m terrified of his answer not being what I want it to be.

We stay silent for several minutes, me lying stiffly and him with his face buried in my hair, until I can’t take him touching me any longer. It’s too agonizing.

“You need to let me go and leave, Nick. I can’t be around you right now. It hurts too much.”

It was barely noticeable, but I felt the slight jerk of Nick’s body at my words. I harden my heart against his obvious pain. Nick’s already ripped me apart with his actions. I don’t know how much more I can take before he completely obliterates me. I refuse to wait for the impending backlash from him. And it
will
come. It
always
comes.

Instead of letting me go like I desperately need him to, he strengthens his grip. “I’m so damn sorry, Chris,” he says gruffly, nearly breaking my resolve.

“Let me go.” I harden and wipe all emotion from my voice.

He finally releases me, and I scurry to the other side of the bed. When I turn to face him, I’m shocked at the state he’s in. His hair doesn’t look like it’s been brushed in days and the hair on his cheeks is longer and looks unkempt. Before when he had the scruff it looked trimmed and well cared for. That’s not the case now. His eyes are red and sunken, like he’s gotten little to no sleep, and his clothes are way past wrinkled. But it’s the expression in his eyes that catches my breath. He looks devastated, like he just lost everything he cares about.

My fingers itch to reach out to him. I curl them into fists instead to hold off the need. Without a word, I get up on unsteady legs and walk to the bathroom to get away from him. I take my time, hoping he’ll leave. My hopes are dashed when I go back to the bedroom and see him sitting on the side of the bed with his head bowed. I opt to stay standing in the doorway.

“I understand you want me to leave. I also understand you probably hate me right now. But I’m not leaving you alone.” He looks up at me, and I’m struck again at the immense regret I see in his eyes. “I’ll stay out in the living room, but I’m not leaving this apartment. The last thing you need right now is to be left alone.”

It pisses me off that he’s being so forceful, especially in light of how he treated me when I tried doing the same thing. What gives him the right to insert himself when he essentially said he wanted nothing to do with me? Why the change of heart? And why in the fuck is he making this so damn hard on me? Haven’t I been through enough? Haven’t I given enough?

“I don’t need or want you here, Nick. I’ll be fine on my own. And if I do need anything, I’ll call Bailey or Jase. There’s no sense in you being here when you really don’t want to.”

Pain flashes through his eyes before he wipes it away. “None of that matters. I’m not going anywhere. And this
is
where I want to be.”

I laugh harshly. “Are you kidding me? Why on earth would you want to be around someone you’ve tried so hard to push away? Why now, Nick? Because I lost a baby you never wanted? I’m not stupid. I know you’re privately jumping for joy because you no longer have to deal with it. Are you here out of guilt because you feel responsible? Don’t, because I don’t blame you. I did at first, but I know now that it just wasn’t meant to be and God knew it. He saved my baby a lifetime of pain of either not having a father or having one that resented her mother.” I take in a shaky breath, my own words tearing me up inside. “Just leave, please. I’ll get through this on my own.”

He watches me while I talk, the hurt in his eyes deepening and his body flinching with each word I say. He’s quiet for several seconds, then gets up from the bed and at first I think I finally got through to him. For those seconds, my chest gets tight. I want him to leave, but then again, I want him to fight me on it and not leave.