Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (30 page)

“Alright, that’s it,” Nick says, twisting to the side a bit so I can finally see his face, which doesn’t look upset. He pulls her from his shoulder and holds her up underneath the arms so they are face-to-face. “No surprise for you, you little snitch.”

He tries to look serious, but fails when his lips quirk up at the corners.

“But Uncle Nick, you didn’t say I couldn’t tell.” She sticks out her bottom lip in a pout, looking sad and pathetic.

I’ve been mostly quiet since Nick came into Amari’s room, shocked speechless by his strange behavior. I decide now is the time to step in and help save Maddie from her crazy uncle.

With everyone still watching us, I tuck Amari closer to my chest and sidle up next to Nick and Maddie. They both turn to me. My eyes meet Nick’s with mirth.

“She’s right, you know, you said she had to be still, not that she couldn’t open her mouth.”

Out the corner of my eye, I see Maddie’s head bobbing up and down dramatically. Nick’s eyes turn thoughtful as he thinks about his response.

“Hmm… I guess you’re right,” he says, and shifts his eyes back to the little girl dangling from his hands. Her eyes go wide with excitement. “Go get your brother and sister and see what’s on that picnic table over there.” He tips his chin up at the picnic table across the yard.

She reaches out for his ears, brings his head closer, and gives his cheek a loud kiss. He chuckles and when he sets her down, she scampers off for first Sarah in Jaxon’s lap, and then down the stairs to find her brother.

“Hey!” Tricia, their mother, calls from the other side of the porch. “Don’t you dare forget to thank your Uncle Nick!”

Both girls throw over their shoulders a “thank you” without stopping their mad dash to reach their destination.

Nick shakes his head with a smile as he watches them run off. Jaxon and Bailey walk over. Jaxon takes Amari from me with a meaningful look, while Bailey comes to stand beside me with questioning eyes. I can’t help the small smile that pops up on my face.

Nick pulls out an envelope and hands it to Bailey. “Happy Birthday.”

She looks at him quizzically and then runs her nail along the edge to open it. I gave her my gift earlier. I went to Jaxon a couple weeks ago asking him for all their family photos. I made copies of the ones I wanted and made a family collage with them. Bailey was ecstatic and tearful when she opened it. It wasn’t much but I knew it would mean a lot to her. She finally has the family she’s deserved for so long.

Bailey pulls out what looks like two tickets. After reading what’s in her hands, she squeals and launches herself into Nick’s arms. He laughs as he hugs her back.

“Look, honey!” she says, pulling away from Nick and shoving the tickets in Jaxon’s face. “We’re going on a seven-day cruise! Can you believe it?”

“I’d see better if they weren’t in my face.” Jaxon removes the tickets from his face and smiles down indulgently at his excited wife.

“Oh my God! This is amazing! I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise,” she gushes on, making us laugh at her craziness.

“Thanks, Nick,” Jaxon says, slapping his friend on the back.

“You bet. The tickets are for both of you, but if y’all decide to take Amari as well, she doesn’t need a ticket.”

“She’ll be with us,” Jaxon says, something we all already know. No way would he or Bailey leave Amari for that long.

Bailey leans in to whisper in my ear, “We heard what happened in Amari’s room.” I look at her questionably, wondering how she could have possibly heard. “The baby monitor,” she says with a shrug. “Sounds like Nick may be coming around.”

She smiles, and I try to smile back at her, but I know I only manage a half-assed one. I don’t say anything back to her, too scared to get my hopes up.

“I’m gonna go grab a piece of that yummy cake. Anyone want a piece?” I ask the others.

I’ve been dying to dig into the thing since I picked it up for Jaxon in town. It’s both my and Bailey’s favorite. When we were living together in college, each week we would take turns buying a red velvet cake with vanilla crème frosting. Money was tight, but we always found enough to buy our cake. That was our treat to ourselves each week.

“I’ll come with you.” Nick says, surprising me once again.

This new and improved Nick is getting to me. I don’t know if I should jump for joy or feel his forehead for a fever. As much as I enjoy this change and hope that it’s here to stay, the flip-flop back and forth grates on my nerves. He has no right to treat me like a piece of shit, then come back after being gone and act like nothing ever happened. I’m being pulled in different directions. I want to love him, but he makes me despise him sometimes, then he’ll be nice and I’ll like him again, only to have the rug pulled out from under me. And each time that happens, the impact of the fall hurts worse and worse.

I love seeing him again, but it’s also painful because I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. Not knowing when that will happen kills me. I’m at the end of my rope. One of these days it’ll happen, and I’ll have enough and lose it. I feel the threads unraveling. The possible results terrify me.

I lead the way to the table and grab a plate. After cutting a slice, I silently offer it to Nick. I feel his eyes on me the entire time. I want to demand he tell me why he’s acting this way.

I slice my own piece and lean against the railing. I don’t look at him as I eat, but I know his eyes are still on me. I feel the heat of them boring into my skin.

“What’s wrong?” Nick asks a few minutes later.

Setting my empty plate and fork on the table, I decide to be honest. I turn to face him.

“You’re what’s wrong. Why are you being so nice to me?” It comes out accusingly, but that’s exactly what it is.

He’s silent as looks down at his half-eaten cake for several seconds, before putting it down on the table beside my empty plate. He shifts closer to me. I want to step back, but I hold my ground.

As he talks, his eyes stay focused on mine.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” he says quietly. “I was a complete dick for what I did; I regretted it the second it left my mouth. And it was a lie. You may not believe that, but Anna was the last thing on my mind that night. It was only you, and I didn’t like it. It scared the shit out of me. And I’m sorry for every time I’ve been an asshole to you. You don’t deserve that. I know you’ve only been trying to help, just like everyone else.” I hold my breath as he stops and looks off into space for a moment, before looking back at me and continuing. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Chris, but I’ll never be the man you need. I can only ever give you the physical side of me, and even that hurts. Anna may not be here physically, and I know it’s irrational, but she’s still in here.” He taps his chest. “And it feels like a betrayal of her.” My heart thumps heavily in my chest. I know this is painful for him, and I want to reach out and put my hand over his. I lose his eyes again when he glances down. When he brings them back up, the pain is back. I want to tell him to stop, but I hold my tongue, needing to hear what he has to say.

“I can never give you anything emotional and you deserve so much more than that. That part of me no longer exists. It’s dead and gone. I’ve tried pushing you away by being a bastard and hurting you. I called Anna’s name out that night because I knew it would hurt you. I had hoped it would push you away enough that you would leave me be, but it’s all I’ve thought about. I hate remembering the look on your face and knowing I put it there. My body is desperate for yours, but my heart and soul will always belong to someone else. You should never settle for something like that.”

He finishes, and all I can do is stare at him. My lips feel like they’re sealed shut. I feel a lump in my throat, and I try to swallow it down, but it stays in place. I have no idea what to do with his words or what to say back to him. For him to admit he was thinking about me rather than Anna that night stuns me, and I want to believe it so much.

The world around us fades. It’s just the two of us. I don’t know if others can hear our conversation, but it doesn’t matter. I’m so consumed by Nick that the earth could open up and swallow everything and I wouldn’t even notice or give a damn.

Taking a deep breath, I say my piece.

“You don’t have the right to tell me what I should settle for. That decision is mine. If I want to go out and sleep with an entire football team worth of guys, that’s my right.” His eyes darken at that. “If I want to sleep with you, that’s my decision to make as well.” Now his eyes flare with desire and my thighs clench in reaction. I shift closer to him. “I know you can’t give me the hearts and roses, Nick. I know that part of you was reserved for someone else. It may be something I would like to have, but it’s not something I expect or need from you. I know your pain consumes you. I know you wish every day that you could have your Anna back. I can’t imagine what the pain of losing someone like that does to a person, but I’m sure it’s damn near debilitating. I’m not trying to replace her.” I put my hand where I wanted it earlier; right on top of his heart. “I’d just like a small portion of you, even if it is only physical and temporary.”

The last part is a lie. There’s nothing I want more than to be his everything. To be what he needs and for him to give me everything in return. I don’t say this because I don’t want to scare him. Being in Nick’s life, even just a small part of it, I’ll take. The cruel Nick from before crushes me, but this Nick, the one that’s looking at me with want in his eyes, is the Nick I need so desperately. I know I’ll never measure up to Anna, but maybe, even if it does just start out sexually, it could build into something more.

Nick

I’m standing in front of Chris’s door, and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I shouldn’t be here. I should stay far, far away from her. But when choosing between staying and seeing her again and walking away, the hounds of hell couldn’t keep me from being here. It’s stupid and reckless. I know I’ll only end up hurting her again, but I can’t force myself to leave. The need to see her is too alluring.

I was a fool to think while I was away I had built my walls strong enough to withstand the pull she has over me. The only thing that kept me from going to her after talking to Bailey was knowing I’d see her that following week. As soon as I stepped foot into Jaxon’s backyard, my eyes scanned the area for her. And when I didn’t find her, a huge wave of disappointment filled my stomach. I knew she was there. She would never miss Bailey’s birthday if she could help it, but I wanted to see her right then. It had been four long weeks and I was growing impatient. Andrew called out my name, while Hunter and Ethan walked over to greet me. They were talking, but I wasn’t paying them any mind.

When she walked out carrying Bailey’s cake, I swear I was sucker punched in the gut. She looked so beautiful in her tight leggings, sweater with one shoulder exposed, and her wavy red hair spilling down her back. I barely resisted the urge to rush over and snatch her to me. I didn’t realize I missed her so much until then. I tried to push the need away, but I was weak when it came to her.

When she went inside, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I followed her and found her in Amari’s room. I stood for several seconds, just watching her with Amari. They both looked so cute sitting in the rocking chair. A pang of longing pinched my stomach. I pushed it aside, too scared to even analyze it.

When we spoke on Jaxon’s deck and she told me it was up to her whether we had a purely sexual relationship, I wanted to tell her she was wrong. I know she wants something more, every girl wants something more, even if they won’t admit it. Eventually she’ll get to a point where she can’t handle it anymore. She’ll get too attached, if she’s not already, and I won’t have any choice but to end it. I should have told her she was wrong, but I didn’t. I was too selfish because I wanted her too. I may not want something more, but fuck if I don’t crave her body.

The more I think about Chris, the harder the guilt eats at me. But the need is stronger than the guilt. That’s why I’m standing here. The need to just be near her overrides my guilt at needing it. For once, I want something more than I want to rid myself of self-hatred for what happened to Anna. Anna is on the back burner, while Chris takes center stage. And that brings on more shame and pain, but I push that away too.

Taking in a lungful of air and letting it out slowly, I knock on Chris’s door with both anticipation and dread. I drop my hand to my side and curl them both into fists.

It takes several moments for her to answer, and I worry she won’t. I spotted her car, so I know she’s here. Unless she walked somewhere, which is a big possibility. Frustration slowly edges in the longer I stand here. I’m just about to turn and walk away when I hear a clicking noise on the other side of the door.

My body tightens with eagerness as the door cracks open slowly. Chris’s head peeks around the corner of the door first and then her entire body.

My limbs lock up and my lungs seize at the sight of her. My cock, which was already twitching in my jeans, turns solid. There she is, standing in front of me with messy wet hair piled on top of her head, a yellow tank top, and lounge pants. I salivate with the need to lick away the drops of water resting on her collarbone. She looks flushed and damp.