Authors: Roxy Queen
I hope that’s enough to end this. That she can accept the truth, but Margaret doesn’t ever want to hear no, and this is no exception. Audrey has shaken something loose in my brain
; and for the first time, I realize what I’m doing isn’t right. That whole relationship with Margaret is based on manipulation. We’ve manipulated one another this whole time and when she lunges for my crotch, I know for certain I have to get the hell out of here.
“Prove that you care for me,”
she begs, tears building when I catch her hands. “Fuck me here. Now, one last time and I’ll let you go without any fight.”
I shake my head and push her hands away.
“I
paid
you.” The way she says
paid
sounds a whole lot like
own.
“Don’t be like this,” I say
, steeling my resolve. “I’ll walk you to the room or I’ll leave you here.”
“
Leave,” she says. “And fuck you.”
Chapter 39
(Audrey)
The knock comes at 2 AM. I haven’t been asleep for long, if even at all.
Groggy and exhausted, I lean against the door, and say, “What?”
“It’s me.”
I rouse at Graham’s voice, instantly curious and flooded with frustration. Not now. Not again.
“What do you want?” I say, ear pressed to the wooden door.
“To see you.” His voice is strained, and I hate that I feel a warring sense of emotion just because he’s near. “Please open the door.”
I flip the lock and open the door a crack. He’s
waiting patiently; tie loose with his jacket over his arm. He shouldn’t be here. He should be with Margaret. “Whatever this is,” I tell him. “It’s pointless. We’ve got nothing to talk about.”
A firm hand comes out to still the door, keeping i
t open. “That’s not true. I’m not ready to let this go yet.”
“No?” I walk into the room, not wanting to carry on this conversation in the hal
lway. He follows me in, shutting the door quietly. “You look like hell.”
He laughs, flashing his teeth. “I feel like hell too. I feel like I’ve been dragged from one side
of this island to the other. But really, I’ve just been absolutely lost.”
“So you came here.”
He looks incredulous. “Where else would I go?”
“Graham, you may not need sleep, but I do. What is going on?”
“I just told you.” He steps closer; and like a fool, I don’t move away. He’s charged with an electric energy while I’m stuck to my spot like a magnet. “If I’m not with you, where else would I be?”
“Um, with Margaret?”
Again, he steps closer, his hand ghosting over my shoulder. “That’s over.”
“I’m not sure what that has to do with me.”
“It has everything to do with you, Audrey; and God, I’m don’t want this to come out wrong, but we have spent months making you feel better. Helping you conquer your fears.” His eyes lower, and his voice softens to a whisper. “And in return, you opened up a part of me I never knew existed. A part that wants to be wanted; and not just something bought and used. A part that wants you; someone I’m not supposed to have. All of that is really, fucking scary.”
None of th
is is said with his usual charm, but with a heartbreaking vulnerability. There’s no smile, only sincerity. He hasn’t touched me; but his hands tremble, and I can almost feel the need rolling off his skin.
“How,” I ask him, trying to figure him out. “How did you even end up doing this? Taking money for sex?”
“I told you the boundaries on sex are very liberal where I come from. Having sex with older women was something I started doing before I left high school. My mom wasn’t around all the time; or if she was, she was high or doing her own thing. Those women were nice to me. They fed me and took care of me. I did the same for them.” He shrugs. “It wasn’t a big deal.”
“But it is a big deal,” I say, groping for the right words. I don’t want him to feel shame
; but I also want him to understand. “Your body should be used out of love and respect.”
“They gave me what I needed at the time and I learned how to give that in return. Sex was something that made them feel better
, enough that they were willing to pay me for my services. I helped them regain control over their lives by teaching them how to respect themselves. The power that I shared with them was intoxicating; you can’t tell me it doesn’t do the same to you. You’ve told me so.”
“It did,” I say. “But I would never want to gain power
, while stripping you of yours. If I ever made you feel used, I am so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Audrey. Dr. Markson and I organized this project. You were doing what we asked.”
“Did you really leave Margaret?”
“That’s over,” he says. “The others, too. This is not the life I want anymore.”
“What do you want?” I ask, terrified of the response.
His fist clenches. “What I can’t have.”
I open my mouth to reply, but words seem inadequate. What would I even say? Instead, I reach for him, consumed with a completely new level of understanding of this man. I knew he was broken, but this? It’s too much. He’s spent years being used by women, never experiencing the emotion behind sex. That’s why he was able to teach me how to use my body. But, I consider, staring at the man in front of me, he also gave me more. He pushed me beyond the mechanics.
Now I understand why.
I reach for him and kiss his cheeks, his nose, and his jaw. I kiss the lines on his forehead, the bruise next to his eye. He flinches, either from the pain on his face or the pain in his heart. I don’t know. “Let me show you,” I tell him. “Like you did with me.”
His eyes search mine and I feel uncomfortable under the intensity, but I’m not backing down. Climbing on the bed, I
tug off his tie, dropping it to the floor. Next, I undo the buttons on his shirt, revealing his strong arms and chest. In minutes, I have him undressed, his cock bobbing like a plaything between us, soft like velvet. I run my fingers along the tip.
“Will you make love to me?” I ask, not demand.
“Yes.”
“Will you do other things? The ones I told you about?”
He swallows and nods, eyes flickering in remembrance.
I move
backwards on the bed and he follows, pushing up my shirt until my breasts are fully exposed. I arch, seeking his touch. It’s been too long. The minute he palms them, my knees grow weak and a flurry of want boils low in my belly. There’s no way any man will touch me better than this. Ever.
“More,” I whisper
, dropping my hand between us. I rub the tip of his cock against my panties. Even through the barrier, it feels good enough to elicit a moan. In a swift, but gentle move, he has me flat on my back and my panties are gone.
He’s on his knees above me
; but pauses long enough that I tilt my head in question. “Are you okay?” I ask. “Is this too much?”
“Let me inside,” he replies
. It’s almost sounds like he’s begging. I stroke his cock with my fingers. “I want to be inside of you, just once more.”
“Of course,” I say, not sure what is going on. Why the desperation
? He needs something, and this I can give him.
He moves fast, pulling me off my back and into his lap. Our noses touch and
his cock strains against our bellies. “Like this,” he directs, adjusting me over him. I take him in, sinking down on the length of his dick; and for the first time I didn’t hold my breath or flinch. He fills me, flexing against my walls. He whispers in my mouth, “You feel so good.”
I want to reply
, but I can’t catch my breath. I feel him everywhere. His hands stroke my back. My nipples rub against his chest. My clit seeks and receives friction from his lower belly. I’m lost in a state of high arousal, every nerve standing on end. Without his support, I’d fall backward, so I wrap my arms around his neck and grip the hair on his nape between my fingers.
Graham has shown me so many things
; but with his eyes level to mine, and our bodies so close, this is the most intimate.
I ride him until I lose co
nscious thought and his voice turns into a hazy dream. “Look at me,” he says. I try to focus, but I can’t; the sensation is too much, like shock waves rippling across my flesh. “I’m coming,” I pant, unsure why I’m saying these words. He should know. He can tell. I want to get closer, but there’s not anywhere to go.
I sink my teeth into his shoulder,
groaning in absolute ecstasy. My body collapses, slipping into his sweaty chest. A fire burns across my body and Graham bears my weight, ramming upward, my walls tightening around his cock.
“
Once more,” he mumbles, stroking the back of my hair. His eyes lose their focus and he squeezes them tight. I lean back at the last minute; his fingers grip my hips. That’s all it takes. He comes hard, lifting off the bed, releasing the pent up emotions of the night. I take everything, feeling the tingle of arousal just from seeing his face.
The instant his eyes open
, he pulls me back to his chest and envelops me in a sticky hug. He drops his head to my shoulder, and exhales the words, “Thank you.”
I lift his chin. “You don’t have to thank me. You are such an amazing man. Never forget that.”
He doesn’t remove his arms; they’re latched around me like a lifeline. It takes a while, but eventually I coax him to lie down. He never lets go, not once. I take the position of little spoon, nestled in against his naked body.
With his fingers laced in mine, I sleep.
*
Again, my wake-up call is the pounding of a fist on my door. My eyes pop open
; I can hear Reese loudly calling my name from the other side. “Audrey! Ferry leaves in fifteen minutes. Get your ass up.”
“Hold on,” I reply
, totally confused. A quick check of my phone says its 3 PM. I slept all day. “Holy shit.” I reach across the bed for Graham, but find nothing but cool, crumpled sheets. I have no doubt that he’s gone.
“Open up, Audrey.”
“One sec.” I toss on a shirt and shorts and open the door. Reese stares at me.
“You’re just waking up? We have to leave in like, five minutes.
” She cranes her neck and takes in the state of my room. Clothes everywhere, quilt on the floor. If it had a smell, it would be sex and lust. “What the hell is going on?”
“Nothing. I was just really tired. Let me get my stuff.”
“I’ll help.”
She pushes her way past me and I grab suitable clothes for the trip home. “I’ve got to shower,” I say, ignoring her incredulous face and duck into the bathroom. I can’t go home with dried semen between my legs.
Where is Graham?
Reese has packed my belongings while I
get dressed. It’s obvious from the way she keeps looking at me that she has a thousand questions.
Join the club
, I want to say, but what comes out is, “Have you seen Graham?”
“I saw him take the first ATV out this morning.”
“Leaving?”
“Yeah. Margaret looked like hell
. He loaded both their suitcases in the back. I guess they took the first ferry out.”
“Margaret?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.
“Yeah, wow, she’s a hot mess.”
Alex
sticks his head in the door. “You ready?”
“Yeah, babe.” She hands me my suitcase and grabs my garment bag with the yellow bridesmaid dress, moving faster than I can think. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I mumble. “I’m coming.”
The ferry ride passes in a blur, as does the t
rip home. The plane ride back to Durham gives me too much time to think about the weekend, to think about Graham. Flashes of our conversations nag at me. With every mile, the warm glow from the night before turns to something worrisome.
“We’re too different. Too messed up.”
“I want to be inside of you. Just once more.”
“Thank you.”
Our actions signaled one thing, while our words meant something else entirely. Every exchange was seeped in reality. It was the truth. But were we speaking the same language? Of the same things?
He told me he quit working for Margaret, yet he left with her anyway. Did he have the strength
to quit her for good? If not, do I have the strength to leave him?
Reese’s concerned look
s from the seat next to mine aren’t making me feel any more confident.
It’s not until I’m back in my apartment that I sta
rt to process what has happened; and formulate a plan to make this better. To make it right. Because there is no way I’m abandoning the man that saved me. I just have to figure out how to save him back.
Chapter 40
(Graham)
I check the clock and am surprised when I see it’s five after. Dr. Markson never runs late
. She specifically called me in for this meeting. I’d turned in my first draft of project findings several days after I returned from the wedding.
Goddamn wedding
, I think. That whole thing was a fucking disaster. A life-altering disaster. I’ve discovered quickly that working on this project is the only thing that gets me through the day.
I lean back in the waiting room chair and
try not to think about Audrey in anything other than a clinical sense. Leaving her bed was one of the most painful decisions I’d ever made. When she offered her body to me, I made the promise to her that I just needed one more time; one more chance to be with her and then I’d work on my messy life.
I untangled myself from her naked body and dressed, resigned that f
acing Margaret was the first step to ending my former life. I entered the room to retrieve my luggage and found her sprawled naked across the bed with one of the groomsmen.
“Fuck,” he said, rubbing his eyes.
“Dude, I didn’t—“
“No worries,” I promised.
Still half asleep and, probably, still a little drunk, he looked at me, down at Margaret, and scrambled out of the bed, searching for clothes.
“Don’t mind him,” Margaret said to her fuckmate.
“Really, don’t.” It only took me a couple minutes to pack my luggage. I left the suit Margaret bought me in the closet and went downstairs to wait for the lift to the ferry. I was surprised when she showed up an hour later, eyes hidden behind huge sunglasses. I loaded her luggage and sat in the back, leaving her the seat next to the driver.
Once we
arrived, Margaret eyed me on the dock, and said, “So really? This is it. You’re walking away?”
“I am.”
“You were good while it lasted,” she said, without a trace of remorse. In the end, I was no better than the latest accessory or fashion trend. She can find someone to replace me. I watched as she hopped into the rental car, leaving me to sweat in the hot June sun. Her departure came as a relief. I searched for a spot of shade to wait the two hours it took for a cab finally to pick me up. At the airport, I booked a ticket home on a different flight, all worth the price to avoid Margaret.
Back home
, I toss my bags on the floor. Dave looks me over. “You look like shit, man.”
“I feel worse.”
“How the hell did you get that bruise?”
I touch my cheek and wince. The bruise is still tender. “You wouldn’t believe
me, if I told you.”
“Try me.”
I go to the refrigerator and pull out a beer, drinking half of it before I finally answer. “I got run over by a horse.”
“Holy shit.”
I flop down on the couch; and I tell Dave everything that happened over the last three months. About the experiment and Audrey; I tell him about Margaret and the other girls; all the things I’d never told him about before. I describe the fiasco of the wedding, and that I walked out on Margaret.
“
So what about Audrey?” he asks, handing me another beer. We’ve gone through several at this point.
“Did you hear anything I just told you? I’m not laying the weight of all that baggage on Audrey.”
He snorts. “Sounds like you’re afraid to pursue a real relationship.”
“Well, yeah,” I say. “I have no idea how to be in an actual relationship with a woman. All the stuff you do day-in
and day-out. I’m used to walking out the door, saying the stuff these women want to hear. I have no idea how to say no, or not right now, or I just want to watch the game.”
“Stop being a moron. You’re overthinking this. She’s just a girl. A hot one
, too. One you’d be a fool to miss out on.”
Dave has no idea what he’s talking about
. The exhaustion of the day crashes over me, making me too tired to fight about it anymore. “I know I’m an idiot, but Audrey isn’t just a girl. I’m not going to drag her down now that she’s finally fixed her own problems. Plus, how do I know she’s really into me, for me, and not for everything that happened during the project?”
“I’m a psych major too, Graham
; and from everything you’ve told me, I think you’ve been running scared for a long time. Those women you screwed as a teenager? They sound like an excuse to get away from the younger girls who would expect a commitment.”
“No way,” I say. “Those girls were there for the fun, too.” That’s what I’ve always thought
; but now, after being with Audrey, things are looking a little less black and white.
“Maybe,” he says, gathering his bottles off the table. “Audrey’s probably the best
thing that will ever happen to you. I wouldn’t be so quick to push her away.”
“She may be good for me
; but there’s no way I’m good for her.”
I’m tired of talking
, really, just tired. I grab my own empties off the table and leave them by the sink. I head to bed, passing Dave who’s already immersed in his phone. Probably texting Rachel. I think for a minute about how he cares for her. How I’ve grown to care for Audrey. I think about those girls back in West Texas, the ones behind the gas station and in the back of the truck. In my heart, I knew more than one expected a call the next day, if not something more.
My whole life
, my whole persona is a fucking lie.
I
find a pad next to the bed and with a pen, scribble down the names of all the girls I knew back then. All the women I’ve been with since. At the bottom, I write in all caps, the name that means the most.
AUDREY
.
*
I never heard from Audrey after the wedding; but to be fair, I didn’t call her either. The days that follow are quiet, other than a series of uncomfortable phone calls to my clients. As much as letting that part of my life go hurts, I know it’s time. With or without Audrey.
The list I created feels like a weight in my back pocket. That’s where I carry it. I have no idea what I’ll do with it. But acknowledging the past seems like the best way to move forward.
I busy myself with the project and turning in my first draft. Dr. Markson has called and asked me to come in for a meeting. I have absolutely nothing better to do, so I show up twenty minutes early and wait.
The inner office door opens and Dr. Markson appears, smiling and surrounded by the strong wafting scent of incense. “Graham, thank you for coming in on such short notice.”
“Is everything okay with the first draft? I know I need to clarify the hypothesis a little more, but I wanted to run the basics by you first.”
“Your work looks fine,” she says. “
I have complete faith in this project. That’s not why I invited you here today.”
“No?”
I follow her through the door to her office; and my confusion increases, when I spot Audrey sitting on the couch. She smiles and I notice how bright her eyes look against the green of her shirt. I’m too stunned to react.
“Please take a seat
, wherever you feel comfortable.” Dr. Markson gestures to the other part of the couch or one of the two empty chairs. I take the one adjacent to her and across from Audrey. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I asked you here, and why Audrey is here, too. Please know, this is, in no way, an ambush; but it is time for me to reveal various aspects of the experiment neither of you were aware of.”
“Okay,” I say, not exactly okay.
Dr. Markson and I developed this project together. The fact there were components I was not privy to alarms me. I sneak a glance at Audrey and she looks back confidently. Eyes clear. As stupid as it sounds, I’m not even sure I care about the experiment right now. I’m just happy to be near her.
“
All along, I had planned to meet with you both several weeks post experiment. I wanted to give a little time for you two to work through your feelings after you stopped meeting. Audrey brought it to my attention this week that you were both at the same wedding last weekend. That has made it necessary to push up my timeline.”
“Is this about us being intimate outside the controls of the experiment?” I ask.
“No, to be honest, that was one of the outcomes I had considered being a possibility. What I need to reveal to you is that you, Graham, were part of the experiment all along.”
That news hits hard. “What? How?”
“I chose you, in particular, to work with Audrey for all the reasons we discussed early on. You were perfect to conduct the exposure therapy. The one drawback was that you, too, had your own damaged background that needed resolution. You were just too ingrained in your own environment to realize it.”
“So you experimented on me without my
knowledge?”
“Sort of. While you exposed Audrey to the various levels of desensitization, she, unknowingly, was exposing you to the possibility of a monogamous relationship. Something you’d never experienced either
, due to your background.”
“You’re joking
, right?”
Dr. Markson shakes her head
, and Audrey looks at me cautiously. “No,” the doctor says. “This isn’t a joke. It’s a fascinating experiment about how slowly exposing people to new stimuli changes their brains and anxiety.”
“I don’t have anxiety.” Both women glance at one another
, but neither say a word. “So fine, you were head-shrinking me all along. What does that mean now?”
“It means our study is
more revolutionary than before; and I think we’ve definitely got something that will shake up the field of sex therapy in the next six months. The rest is up to you and Audrey.”
It’s all a bit much to handle
; and I’m starting to think that, yeah, I do feel ambushed. Dragging me in here to tell me this and forcing me to face Audrey is not what I want right now. Well, it’s what I want. It’s not what I should do.
“I think you’ve just cleared up why I don’t need to pursue a relationship with Audrey. I’m a freaking
train wreck and didn’t even realize it.”
Audrey eyes flash.
“Over the last three months, you’ve become my world. And not just because of the experiment. Sure, bit-by-bit you broke down my barriers; but that wasn’t because of the directions Dr. Markson left in the black notebook, it was because you and I connected. I trust you. Now I understand, even more, why this happened. You trust me. For the first time you’ve found someone that expects the best from you; not just what they can take from you. I can understand why you’d feel blindsided by Dr. Markson and what she just told you; but at some point, I think what transpired between us went beyond the basic therapy, and into something much deeper.”
Dr. Markson nods
, and says, “Do you agree with Audrey?”
“Yes
.”
Audrey smiles again
, this time in relief. Worry nags in my chest, but she continues, undeterred. “I think it’s fair to say that everything isn’t clear cut for us. We both have baggage. We both have struggled with unhealthy views on sex and love. Real life pounded on the door of our cocoon; and we both panicked, or at least I did. It’s not fair of me to judge your situation with Margaret or your view of sex. You never judged me with mine.”
I stop her.
“No, your judgment was harsh; but it made me see the situation more clearly. I thought I was in control of everything. I thought that my engagements with these women were mutually beneficial. I never realized the toll they were taking on me.” I catch Audrey’s eye and feel the burn of the paper in my back pocket. “I didn’t anticipate that it would keep me from finding true relationships with people I care about.”
I move from my seat
to sit next to her. The instant I’m close enough, she links her fingers with mine. “I want to try to make this work, even if I’m convinced it’s the worst idea ever,” I tell her. “I’m not ready to let you go. Not yet.”
“Me either,” she says, kissing me on my lips. The simple touch sends a jolt through my body
. I have no idea how I have considered living without her.
Dr. Markson coughs
, and I separate myself from Audrey. “Sorry,” I mumble and run my hand through my hair.
“
No worries. I wasn’t certain if the two of you would develop a relationship past the parameters of the experiment, but it was a definite possibility. How could it not be? The question will be, can you two make this stick? Only time, and continued therapy, will tell.”
“Therapy?” I frown at Audrey. She looks surprised, too.
“I propose that you come back in next week so we delve into all this a bit more. I believe that you two love each other; but I also think that Graham’s concerns are valid. He’s spent years participating in an unconventional, emotional environment. I expect your relationship to be a challenge to maintain.”
“Wow,” Audrey says. “So we’re doomed?”
“Not at all,” Dr. Markson says. “But let’s keep a safety net in place for a while, okay?”
We look at one another and nod, both wanting this. I have a feeling
, even without Dr. Markson’s intervention, we’d find a way to be together, to potentially disastrous results.