At the Brink (23 page)

Chapter Twenty-Five

Lily

After Josh disarmed three sets of alarms with a card, a swipe of his thumb and an eye scan, walking through the townhouse’s doors was a magical experience, especially knowing that I was the exception to Josh’s “protocols.” The house opened into an expansive foyer. Against the left wall, a grand staircase rose to a landing that bridged the full span of the room before ascending to the next floor. Exquisite polished wood paneled the room.

“Is that an Alberto Carraso?” I stared at the massive painting above the fireplace.

“Affirmative,” he said.

“Are you a fan?”

Josh shrugged. “The decorator said I needed a ‘trophy’ art piece, so there it is.”

“So let me get this straight,” I said. “You spent a fortune for a painting of Paris at night and you don’t really like it?”

“Something like that,” he said. “Ten cent tour?”

“Sure.”

I followed him out of the foyer and into the dining room, where my art history training helped me identify the very expensive French Empire Starbuck table dominating the room. It was surrounded by equally pricey antique chairs featuring carved lion paws for legs and fish for armrests.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“Um, well, it’s a beautiful room,” I said, cautiously. “Any collector would be impressed with the furnishings, the art, the rugs, but...”

“But what?”

“It’s just not you, Josh. It isn’t your style.”

“What’s my style?”

“Not this,” I said. “Is there anything here that you chose for yourself?”

“Him.” He pointed to the bust on the mantle.

I checked out the sculpted bronze face of Julius Caesar. “
Veni, vidi, veci
?”

“He has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.”

It was just like Josh to admire Caesar’s wisdom instead of his might.

The rest of the main floor was as impressive, furnished expensively and exquisitely, playing up the house’s historical character and its occupant’s wealth. The kitchen was state of the art. The bathrooms were modern and sleek. The house was simply sensational and yet it was also sadly bereft of any sign of the Josh I knew.

“This is for show,” I said when we went into the formal living room. “Where do you live?”

“There’s a rec room downstairs that I like,” he said. “My rooms are on the third floor.”

He tackled the stairs. “Come up, I want to show you something.”

We climbed to the second floor, where several bedrooms opened up to the hall, furnished in the same opulent style.

Josh opened a door and gestured for me to enter. “This is your room.”

“
My
room?” My heart screeched to a stop. “I didn’t know I had a room in your house.”

“You do now.”

I had a room. In Josh’s house. Where he swore he never brought other women. But
I
had a room. The joy swelling my heart had no name or comparison.

“Lily?” Josh looked down at his hand, where his fingers had turned white because I clutched them so hard.

“Oh, sorry.” I loosened my grip.

The room still smelled of fresh paint. The walls were silky cream, matching the earthy tones of the plush Persian rug covering the wood floors. The furnishings in the room were not opulent like downstairs. Instead, the chairs, tables and sofa were a modern interpretation of the Federalist style, with clean lines and crisp, polished woods.

Framed by the tall ceilings and the restored moldings, a stunning bed was the room’s centerpiece. It sported a finely embroidered floral canopy and a tailored bed skirt in Williamsburg colors with cobalt details. Sumptuous cream drapes framed the headboard while a white striped coverlet kept the style fresh and updated.

“Do you like it?” Josh said.

“It’s...wonderful, Josh.” I ignored the price tag still attached to the bedside lamp. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you like it.” He put a set of keys in my hand. “And say you’ll stay, here, with me, even on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and regardless of what happens with the prototypes.”

My eyes shifted between the keys and Josh’s face. My mouth might have been wide open. Not three hours ago, I’d been begging him to let me go. Now I was here, in his house, in the room he’d made for me. My legs failed. I plopped down on the bed because my knees wouldn’t hold me.

“Josh, I... I don’t understand.”

“Don’t make me beg.” He scowled. “I really hate begging.”

His body was strung like a tight cord. His jaw clenched so hard that a muscle flinched on his face. His hands fisted by his side. I didn’t know what to say, what to do. He’d given me the keys to his house?

I took Josh’s fists and kissed his knuckles until his hands relaxed beneath my lips. I patted the mattress. He sat down next to me. He wore the blank face he favored, but his eyebrows knotted above his nose. For only the second time ever, I spotted fear in his eyes.

“I don’t ever want you begging,” I said. “For me, you’ll never have to beg. I just need you to help me understand.”

“Goddamn it, Lily, you know I suck at this talking shit.”

“Just try, please?”

“Okay,” he said, staring at his feet.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“It’s a set of keys and cards to enter the house. Your fingerprints and eye scan are already programmed in.”

Knowing Josh, I decided to ignore the issue of how and when he’d secured those from me and concentrate on the important facts. “But why are you doing this?”

“Because I need to know that you’re with me,” he said. “It’s too hard when you’re not. I don’t like it. I can’t stand it.”

“What about the agreement?”

“It’s no good anymore.”

“Why not?” I tried to wrap my head around all of this. “Is it too expensive? Is WindTech too far gone? Is Martin giving you problems?”

“It’s got nothing to do with money,” he said. “The agreement with Martin stands. I’ll continue to hold my end of the bargain as long as he does. The exemption is only for you, personally.”

An exemption? Is that what I got? “Why...um...exempt me?”

“Because the agreement wasn’t fair to you in the first place,” he said. “And because the sex toy thing isn’t working very well for you.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. I knew things had changed, of course I did. I had my instincts—thank God—to guide me through this mess, but I hadn’t expected this, not like this, not now.

“Josh, I...”

“I’m an asshole,” he said. “I don’t think I’m going to change. This is it, Lily. I’m working near optimum capacity. I can’t be what I’m not. But I want you with me and I don’t want WindTech dangling over me like Damocles’s sword.”

“Whose sword?”

“Damocles, you know, from Cicero’s anecdote?” he said. “Where a sword hangs over the throne by a single thread of horse tail? ‘There can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms.’”

“Oh,” I said, clueless. “That sword.”

“The bottom line is this,” he said. “I don’t want you to stay with me because of the agreement or because you have to. You’re not business to me, you’ve never been. The agreement can go to hell.”

Oh, my God.

“The other day you said that I mattered to you,” Josh said. “Did you mean that?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yes.”

“Then I need you to stay with me because you want to.”

“Wow.” Had I been hit on the head with a bat I might have been less stunned. “I didn’t think you’d ever be able to top the shock of your first proposal.”

“I know this is sudden.”

“Sudden is one word for it.” I tried to shake off my astonishment and reason my way through. Three hours ago I’d been in meltdown mode and now this?

“I wonder if you’re being fair to yourself.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I wonder if this—um—decision is good for you.”

“Why would you care?”

I gathered my courage. “Caring for you would be the only reason for me to be here, in your house, without an agreement. Right?”

His Adam’s apple bounced up and down his throat. “It would be—yes—and I... I really appreciate that about you.”

I had to smile because this brilliant, exceptional man was truly a disaster when it came to words and emotions. I had to face the fact that this moment and all the preparations he’d put into it, could very well be the only and most passionate declaration of affection that I’d ever get from him.

“But I don’t think I’m acting on an impulse here,” he said. “I mean, by doing this, the room, giving you the keys and all.”

“You don’t?”

“I think it’s good...at least for me.”

“How so?”

“I thought about it. A lot. I even...” He cleared his throat. “I talked to someone.”

“You talked to someone?” Another surprise. “You mean like a friend?”

“I mean I talked to someone who knows. About these things. About me.”

“Oh.” A counselor? A doctor? Was Josh Lane more in touch with himself than I’d given him credit for?

“I do that—not often—only sometimes,” he said embarrassedly. “It can be...helpful.”

“Yes, absolutely.” I agreed wholeheartedly. “I think it’s good, great actually.”

“I’m glad you think so.” He met my stare then looked away. “I’m not nuts, you know.”

“Of course not,” I said. “I know that.”

He looked relieved. “We both felt like this was right for me.”

I felt good. I’d earned someone’s seal of approval, someone whose opinion Josh respected. Maybe I wasn’t as crazy as I felt these days.

“The thing is,” Josh said haltingly. “You’re supposed to decide if this is good for you, if you want to be with me, and I...well... I’m supposed to accept your decision and not bully you into doing what I want.”

He looked wretched as he forced out the words, a man used to controlling every aspect of his life, making a supreme effort and going out on a limb. He was willing to do all of that for me. Could I set aside my fears to do the same for him?

“Are you sure that you want to do this?” I said. “This is a big step and you haven’t known me for long.”

He shook his head. “That’s where you’re wrong, Lily. I’ve known you forever. I can feel it, here.” He slapped his chest over his heart.

I melted like chocolate over a steaming pot. This was Josh Lane at his best and sweetest. My thoughts zipped every which way.

“What about, you know, all those other women?”

Josh sprang to his feet and began to pace the room. “Damn it, Lily. That was then. This is now. In any case, you can state your conditions.”

“State my conditions for what?”

“To be with me.”

God help me. “You want
me
to put conditions on
you
?”

“So I can follow them.” He marched back and forth in front of the bed. “So I can’t fuck it up.”

“It?”

“Us.”

How could I even begin to explain?

“Don’t fuck with me, Lily, if you’re going to say no, then just say so.” He struggled with his temper. “Don’t drag it out. Just tell me.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m not going to say no, Josh, but I’m not going to ‘state my conditions’ either.”

He frowned. “Why not?”

“Because this isn’t about conditions. This is about trying to work things out, trusting each other, testing each other to see if we’re any good together.”

“Lily.” He knelt between my legs and met my stare, his eyes bright with honesty. “I already know.”

“Okay, well, maybe, but there’s still a lot we don’t know about each other.”

“I’m confused, Lily. Is that a yeah or a nay?”

“It’s a maybe. It’s a let’s try it, ’cause I like you an awful lot.”

“You do?” There it was, the rare expression, the goofy grin I loved to see on his face.

“You’ve got to know that.” I reached out and caressed his face. “I like your mind, the way you think; I like your heart, your generosity, the way you do things, all in. I like the way you move and the way your eyes lighten when you’re happy. I like the way you look, your smile, your hands, your hair.”

“You like my hair?”

“I do,” I said, “especially now that you’ve let it grow a little.”

“I was going to get it cut tomorrow.”

“Please don’t.” I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him.

He groaned against my lips, thunder rumbling in the distance. The passion in his eyes overwhelmed me. I could galvanize all of that power with only a kiss. I had clout over him and he...he had a lot of clout over me.

He broke off the kiss, breathing hard. “So you won’t leave now that you don’t have to stay with me?”

“No, Josh, I won’t leave.”

“And you won’t run away from me when I’m not looking?”

“I won’t run.” I fed off his powerful energy. “I may come and go sometimes, but I’ll let you know, because I don’t want you to worry.”

“I can’t do that thing where you disappear on me,” he said. “I just can’t. It’s a no-go zone for me.”

“Okay, I get that, but I’ve got my no-go zones too.”

“Like what?”

“Like those women tonight.”

“Lily.” He puffed out an impatient sigh. “I swear you’ve got nothing to worry about. Those were just hookups, sex, but not real sex like what we have.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it.” My mother’s warnings and my parents’ unhappy marriage lurked in the back of my mind but I pushed on. “I have to be able to trust you. I can’t handle cheating, I just...can’t.”

“Got it,” he said.

“You also have to understand that there are some things I’m going to have to do for myself.”

“Like what?”

“I’m going to have to find a way to carry my weight.”

“Lily, please.”

“I’m not a freeloader,” I said. “I’m a hard worker and, if I don’t have to worry about Martin and WindTech, I can find a way to support my mother and me. If this is going to work for me, I need to know that I’m not a charity case for you.”

“Charity my ass,” he said. “It’s more like the other way around.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m a chore,” he said. “What woman would want to put up with me?”

He had no idea how devastatingly attractive he was to the opposite sex. “I counted quite a few of them eager to put up with you earlier tonight.”