Authors: Effy Vaughn
I stood on the porch looking out over the field. I could only see the roof of the Sutton house because it was on the other side of the hill. But I knew it was there. I stood out here often and let my gaze settle on that tin roof. Memories would always come back to me haunting me and breaking my heart all over again.
When I had bumped into Steel last August outside the grocery store, I had dropped my bag and the contents had rolled free causing both of us to scramble to catch them. When Steel had grabbed the can of soup and handed it to me, the smile on his face had been so similar to Asher’s that it had taken my breath away.
Steel had been in my grade in school. He was the Sutton boy that I should have grown up attached to but he hadn’t been. Asher had been all I could see. From the time I turned 13 and he had given me a ride to school in his truck, I had been completely consumed by him.
He didn’t feel the same way, of course. I was too young for him then. But we had grown up running through the same fields and swimming in the same creek. He was my friend. Even though he was the most popular boy in town.
That entire year I had worshipped him from afar. When he asked if I needed a ride, I always said yes. Then that summer before ninth grade my body had decided to grow up on me.
My first day of high school, Asher had been my shadow. If any guy even looked my way, his presence had them scurrying away. I loved it. Because I loved him. He stayed beside me at lunch and always gave me a ride to school. When he’d asked if I wanted to wait on him to finish football practice so he could take me home, I had said yes. Being near Asher was all I had ever wanted.
It wasn’t until that February when I turned fifteen and Asher Sutton backed me up against his truck and placed his hands on either side of me that I knew it was all about to change. His lips touched mine and I lit up like a firecracker. We were inseparable after that. He took a football scholarship at the local junior college instead of going to a larger school just so he could be near me. He said he’d wait for me. When I graduated, he could always go to a big school then.
But that didn’t happen. None of that happened.
One night he was loving me and telling me he wanted me forever. The next day he couldn’t look me in the eyes. And he never told me why.
The crunch of gravel under the tires snapped me out of the trance I’d let myself fall into. I squinted against the sun to see Steel’s white truck coming down the drive. He was here to tell me Asher was home. I expected this visit. I just wasn’t sure what he wanted to do about it. When Asher had come home for Christmas, I had gone to Oklahoma to my grandmother’s. I hadn’t had to face him then. But now… if Asher was home, I would have to face this. Face him and my relationship with Steel.
The truck stopped and I watched as Steel jumped down from his jacked up truck. His worn jeans looked good on him but he didn’t compare to Asher. Not in looks. No one did.
I mentally shook myself out of that thought, hating myself for it. Steel didn’t deserve this. Not from me. Not when he had been so good to me.
“Hey,” I said forcing a smile I didn’t feel as Steel walked up the steps of the porch. His serious expression was on me.
He ducked his head a moment and then gave it a small shake before looking back at me. “You already know, don’t ya?” I didn’t think it was really a question. I was sure it was all over my face.
I just nodded.
He let out a deep sigh and stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I ain’t seen him yet. Bray called me to warn me he was here and he knows. Bray told him.”
He knew. About us? There were a million questions I wanted to ask from why Bray told him to what he said and how he reacted. But I didn’t.
“Okay,” was all I said.
Steel took one more step until he was standing only a few inches from me. His light blue eyes looked so much like Asher’s, but the golden color of his hair was different. “We’re gonna have to face him. Both of us. Bray don’t think he’s leaving soon and I don’t want him to. I miss him, you know. I want him around. I know Momma wants him around. I think he needs us. So, this thing between you and me,” he said with a small grin tugging on his lips, “it’s something he’ll have to deal with. I think he’s gonna be okay with it. We just need to get it over with. You both need some closure.”
Closure. That was something that Scarlet had been saying I needed for three years now. What was closure really? If Asher told me why he stopped loving me, would that really make it all better? Would I then be able to move on? I seriously doubted it. The wound it would rip open might never heal. At least now it was scabbed over and I was living again.
“Come on, baby,” he said reaching out to take my hand and tug me gently toward him. “He’s my big brother. I want this to be okay with us… and him. Because I love both of you.”
His honest belief that I could live life with him while I remained half a person because my heart had been damaged so badly by Asher that it couldn’t be repaired showed just how much he didn’t know about me.
“You go spend time with your brother. We will deal with bringing me into things after you’ve caught up. I don’t want to cause anyone to be uncomfortable.”
Steel pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “He’ll be okay with this. Once he realizes how I feel, it will all be good. I promise.”
I knew that Steel completely believed this and I let him. Maybe he was right. What did I know? It wasn’t that Asher verbally said he hated me. He just never acknowledged me again. When I had gone to his house, after calling him several times and him not answering, he had looked right through me. Then he’d left. He had gone to stay at his uncle’s in Texas for a month. No one had an answer for me. They all looked at me with pity in their eyes.
When Asher returned, it was as if he didn’t know who I was. The Asher who had loved me so fiercely was gone. In his place was this emotionless cold person. My Asher never came back. This one remained. This one finished junior college, got a scholarship to the University of Florida and left without looking back.
And I… I was still trying to claw my way out of despair. Just when I thought I had, he walked back into my life. But for how long?
Dallas had let his black hair grow long and it was now pulled back in a ponytail. When I had been home for Christmas, he had been tucking it behind his ears but it hadn’t been pulled back just yet. He had our mother’s green eyes and her mother’s Native American coloring. She had always said Dallas was the baby and the prettiest of the lot.
He was also fucking spoiled by any and all females. Including my momma. I took a big drink from the glass of milk Momma had fixed me and took in my baby brother’s grin. He was anxious for Steel to get back because Dallas thought I was going to fight him. And Dallas loved a good fight. The boy placed bets on underground fights all the time and he thought I didn’t know about it. Stupid pretty boy fucker. I knew everything he did. I might be living miles away but I kept tabs on all of them. Except for Steel, apparently. No one had been willing to admit to me Steel was seeing Dixie.
“You want another pie?” Momma asked me, glancing over her shoulder as she dropped another pastry into the frying pan.
“No, thanks. I’m good.”
“I want one, Momma. Fighting makes me hungry,” Dallas drawled and Brent shoved him causing him to stumble sideways before he cackled with laughter.
“Ain’t no fighting going on around here. And you two stop rough housing in my kitchen,” Momma frowned at Brent and Dallas.
“Can I still have another pie?” Dallas asked. Seriously? He was seventeen and he was going to fucking pout over a fried pie?
“Of course. Go sit and be good,” she replied and Dallas winked at her causing her to roll her eyes and go back to frying the pie.
“You’re a dipshit, you know that, don’t you?” I said as he pulled out a chair and turned it around before straddling it.
“Missed you,” he replied using his charm on me like he did on the rest of the world.
“Your pretty face don’t work on me,” I replied and took another drink of my milk.
“He’s here,” Bray announced as he walked into the kitchen. “Just saw him drive up. You gonna play nice?” he asked me looking directly at me.
I wasn’t mad at Steel. I was angry because this shit was going to touch him too. He’d be changed forever just like I had been. I wanted to keep them all safe but I had failed. Leaving hadn’t helped anything. It had just made it worse.
“I’m good,” I replied when I realized all four pairs of eyes were on me.
The screen door opened again and this time it was Steel who walked in. He looked straight at me and stopped. He’d come in looking determined but now that he was actually here, he looked nervous.
“About time you finally got home,” I said casually then stood up.
He took a step back.
“I haven’t seen you since Christmas,” I said closing the space between us and pulling him into a hug. “Missed you, bro.”
The tension in his shoulders eased as he hugged me back. “Glad you’re home,” he finally said and it sounded like he meant it.
“Awww da—crap,” Dallas whined catching himself before he cursed in front of Momma. “I was hoping for some action. You two are gonna be all mushy and sh—stuff.”
“Stop being a douche,” Bray growled at Dallas.
Momma spun around and pointed her spoon at Bray. “You say ‘douche’ in my kitchen one more time and I’ll send you to the store to buy some douche. You got me, boy?”
Momma didn’t seem to care that we were all men now. She treated us all like we were still her little boys. Bray nodded and mumbled an apology. Once, he had called Brent a pussy and Momma took him to the grocery store and made him buy her tampons. When they got to the checkout, she made him hand them to the cashier and then take the bag once the lady bagged them. For a thirteen-year-old boy that had been traumatic. But Bray had never called anyone a pussy in front of Momma again. In fact, he hadn’t used that word again until he finally got some pussy a few years later.
“Since we’re all together and everyone is good with things, why don’t we leave Momma to her television shows and a bottle of wine and take this party down to Jack’s. It’s Karly Walsh’s birthday and everyone’s headed there tonight.” Brent said as his eyes met mine. He still didn’t trust us to sit around with Momma here to see it in case I decided to say something to Steel.
“Sounds good! I’d forgotten about Karly’s party,” Dallas said jumping up with a big goofy grin that women loved.
“Watch him. He ain’t old enough to be going to one of them parties or Jack’s, for that matter,” Momma said looking pointedly at me. She always expected me to keep them all safe and out of harm’s way. Even with me being gone, she still turned to me to look after them when I came back home.
“I’ll keep him out of jail,” I promised as we all stood up and headed for the door.
‘Take this fried pie,” Momma called out after Dallas who turned around and took the fried strawberry pie she had wrapped up in a napkin for him. He kissed her cheek and she grinned up at her six foot three baby and patted his cheek.
Some things never changed. Except the fact that my baby brother was now as tall as me.
Steel’s hand tightened around mine as we walked into Jack’s. He had texted me to meet him here. Jack’s was a bar but it was also a pool hall. Everyone came here to play pool. And they didn’t serve alcohol to minors, or at least that was what they told everyone. I had seen a waitress bring a Sutton boy a beer more than once in my life. When I drove up and saw Asher’s truck outside, I called Steel. He came outside to meet me. He assured me Asher was fine with us being together and he had been all smiles.
Was it wrong of me to feel disappointed that Asher was happy I was with his brother? Shouldn’t I want him to be okay with this? Steel loved me. Steel wanted to marry me. Steel wasn’t going to toss me out like yesterday’s trash.
But…
Asher was home.
I scanned the crowd. I could lie and tell myself I wasn’t looking for Asher, but I was. I needed to see him. I had to get a handle on this. If he was fine with me dating Steel, then good. Good for him.
Brent’s loud laughter caught my attention and I knew Scarlet was with him, but my eyes didn’t seek Brent or Scarlet. They sought Asher. He was sitting on a bar stool holding a pool stick as he watched Brent taunt Bray. The smile on Asher’s face wasn’t the heart stopping one I had once loved so much. Instead, it was a sad one. Did coming home make him sad? Was it because he wanted to come back home? Once, I would have been able to wrap my arms around him and ask him what was wrong and he would have told me.
“Want a Coke?” Steel asked as he pulled me in his brother’s direction.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted.
I shook my head and Steel bent his to kiss the top of mine. “I swear, babe, it’s okay,” he whispered.
He thought I was worried about Asher being upset. I was really worried about how I would react to being near Asher again. Would I be able to breathe? Would my heart explode? Could I physically do this? I looked for Scarlet, but I only saw Brent.
Brent looked up from the pool table where he was watching Bray sink a ball and his smile wavered. He wasn’t sure about this either. Great. Was Steel wrong about this? “Guess we’re all together again. About damn time. Scarlet’s on her way,” Brent said with a smile, then he winked at me before picking up his stick and walking over to the table.
Bray stood up and glanced back at me. His concerned frown told me he wasn’t on board with this idea. Well, neither was I. This was something Steel had wanted.
“Hey, Em, why don’t you come entertain Asher while I take his place in this game,” Bray called out to Emily James. Damn him. Was he doing this on purpose? I had watched Emily James finally paw all over Asher for an entire year after she had panted after him for years. I hated it then and the idea made my skin crawl now.
“What the hell ever,” Steel said grinning. “If Asher is out, then I’m in. You had your turn. I’m up.” Steel left me to walk over to the pool table. My safety net was gone.
I refused to glance over at Asher and Emily Freaking James. I knew she was tall with legs longer than the average female’s and I knew she had nice big fake boobs her momma had bought her when she was eighteen years old. I also knew she had spread those legs for Asher more than once. Word had gotten around and it didn’t hurt any less now than it did then.
“He’s not even paying Em any mind. Stop tensing up or Steel’s gonna notice,” Dallas whispered in my ear. The youngest Sutton boy was also the biggest. He was also the most astute of them all. He never missed a thing. “Ash ain’t into fake titties anyway,” he added with an amused smirk.
I glanced up at him and he shrugged as if to say, “What? You know I’m right.”
“Nothings fake about her legs though,” I replied in a bitter tone I hated. Dallas’s gaze flicked over my shoulder in the direction of Em’s voice and where Asher was sitting. “Yeah, true, but once a pair of legs has been wrapped around every male in the county, those legs don’t seem like the glory land anymore.”
I couldn’t stop the laugh that burst out of me. Dallas’s eyes met mine again and he grinned, obviously pleased with himself for making me laugh. “That’s more like it. Don’t none of us want to see you all frowning and shit. We love Ash and we’re fucking thrilled he’s home, but we want us all to be okay again.”
In other words, I had to get over Asher.
I nodded. “Me too,” I replied honestly. Because there was nothing I wanted more in the world than not to feel the pain that sliced through me every time I thought of Asher. Three years was a long time to be affected by someone. When would it end?
“Come here, baby,” Steel said drawing my attention over to him. He was holding out his pool stick. “Show this smartass how it’s done. I’m sick of watching Bray beat the shit outta everyone.”
Steel. I was here with Steel. He loved me.
I walked over to him and his hand slid around my waist pulling me to him. We were always like this, but having Asher a few feet away from us made it feel like I was on a stage being judged. I hated that feeling.
“I’m gonna head out. I’ll see y’all back at the house,” Asher said standing up and walking away without another word. The silence that fell over everyone as he left only made this even more awkward. He hadn’t wanted me here. He never wanted me around.
“Guess I was pushing it. My bad. I shoulda eased him into this,” Steel said looking over at Bray. When Asher wasn’t around, it was Bray that the rest of the Sutton boys looked to. He was the second oldest, even if only by five minutes.
“Yeah, probably shoulda not called her ‘baby’, dipshit,” Brent said as he slapped the back of Steel’s head and reached for his drink. “He was just starting to relax.”
Steel groaned and ran his hand through his hair. “I’ll talk to him. Damn, this is fucked up. He shouldn’t care anymore.”
I didn’t want to be standing here listening to this conversation. I was the problem and I felt even more out of place and in the way than before. “Maybe I should go on home,” I finally said speaking up and reminding Steel that I was here. Listening to this entire thing.
He looked up at me and grimaced. “Sorry about this. But, yeah, I need to go and talk to Ash. I don’t want him running off again. Momma would be heartbroken if he didn’t stick around awhile. And we all miss him.”
I nodded. I understood. I really did but I just wished it wasn’t this way. But then again, I’d been wishing for a lot of things for as long as I’d known Asher Sutton.