Authors: Jamie Zakian
“Don’t.” Sasha shrugged away from his touch, climbing to her feet. “My mom’s right; I am a disgrace. I wanted her,” she said, her stare caught on the hole in the back of Misty’s head. “I put the club at risk because I wanted her.”
“I’ll get a tarp, to wrap her in.”
“Don’t waste a tarp. Just help me throw her in the back of my truck.” Sasha turned, avoiding Vinny’s face like the plague. One dose of his gentle eyes might cause a full out breakdown, but without him at her side, she’d still be on the ground like a pathetic rat.
Sasha opened her tailgate, and Vinny gripped her shoulder.
“I’ll get her,” Vinny said, blocking Sasha’s view of a corpse that was just starting to twitch. “You go start the truck.”
Her instinct to argue didn’t kick on. Broken. Vinny must have seen it, the shatter of the self she’d pieced together. She must be marked. Now, when the world looks at her, they’ll see another broken girl, and she didn’t care. She couldn’t care, or she’d never be able to leave her bed again.
The motor roared to life, and Sasha flinched. She looked down to find her hand on the key and foot on the brake. Vinny hopped inside, nodding. For a second, life seemed normal. Just another day with her best friend, out for a joyride up the mountain, except he wasn’t her best friend anymore, this was no joyride, and a body was leaking brain matter all over the bed of her truck.
Autopilot stayed engaged, directing her hand to the gearshift and foot to the gas. Without a word, she drove up the hill, toward the cellar.
Ellen
Ellen hung up the phone, marching into the backroom. She stood over Dez, glaring down as he scrubbed blood off the floor.
“What’d the sheriff say?” Dez asked without sparing a glance.
“That it’ll take a few days to find out anything concrete.”
“Shit. We could all be in jail in a few days.”
Ellen kicked the bucket beside Dez, splashing soapy water over its brim. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”
His cruel eyes veered to her, but she stood firm. If Dez actually expected to intimidate her, he’d have to practice that glower in the mirror a few more times.
“Don’t you ever come between me and my daughter again,” she said, wagging her finger in his face. “This club, that girl, they’re mine to control. Just like you, motherfucker.”
Dez rose to his feet. This time, his stare held a vicious edge. A slight improvement, though still the look of a boy playing man.
“You can run this club into the ground for all I care,” Dez said, inching closer. “But I won’t let you put a bullet in Sasha’s head.”
“If I wanted to put a bullet in my little girl’s head, nothing would stop me, especially not a punk-ass kid like you.”
Dez curled his fingers into tight fists, and Ellen lifted her hand to the butt of her holster gun. One excuse, that’s all she needed to end this man’s self-designated reign over her club. Boots rattled the floor, but neither one of them dared to look away. A wisp of Old Spice filled Ellen’s lungs, bringing a smile to her lips.
“What’s going on in here?” Otis asked, walking into the backroom.
A smug glare lit Dez’s eyes, as though he had the upper hand, and it set Ellen’s blood to boil. His nerve superseded what little patience she possessed, but she refused to give him the power to know he rattled her. His death could only provide moments of satisfaction. The suffering she had in mind for him could deliver years of spiritual pleasure.
Ellen lowered her hand from the gun on her belt, stepping aside. “Go on, Dez. Swoop Sasha into your arms. Ask her to run away with you. I just wish I could be there to see your face when she shoots you down.”
Dez bumped Ellen’s shoulder as he strolled by like a stubborn child walking through the clubhouse, with his fists clenched, legs stomping out the door.
“Whose blood is on the floor?” Otis asked, sitting at the far end of the table.
For the first time since Ellen’s rude awakening, the tight strands that tugged at her every muscle loosened. She dropped into the chair beside Otis, slouching onto the table. “Spark a bone and I’ll tell you all about my shitty morning.”
***
Sasha
Dry leaves whirled around Sasha. A cascade of colors rode on the mountain breeze, but she couldn’t see them. A fog stole her vision, tunneling it to dead eyes. It was strange, how quick the sparkle faded. The cellar door squeaked open, but her gaze remained a prisoner to Misty’s cold, empty eyes.
Vinny knelt down and grabbed Misty by the shoulder, looking at Sasha. “Did you want to say something?”
“Yeah.” Sasha took a step back, but she still couldn’t lift her stare from the swollen, ripped skin of Misty’s face. “She was good. Nobody ever played me like that before and never will again, I swear it.”
Leaves rustled as Vinny dragged the body toward a dark hole in the ground. Then, in the slip of a second, Misty was gone and Sasha could finally look away.
She closed the cellar door, its thud carrying across the valley, and clicked the padlock shut. “Everything you did today, standing back so my mother could do what she needed to, comforting me after. It’s what Chewy would’ve done.” She stood, lifting her eyes to his regret-filled face. “I’m glad you’re VP, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Sasha, I—”
“I’m pregnant.” Sasha slapped her hand over her mouth, regretting the release of words even though it felt so good to let them go. Poor Vinny. She might have stunned him stupid. He just gawked, looking like he could puke at any minute.
“I, uh…I don’t…” His jaw hung open, waiting to catch flies. “Is it mine?”
The question stung, but he had a valid reason to ask it, so she didn’t slug him. “You or Dez.”
Vinny shook his head, rocking in place. “It has to be Dez.”
“Jeez, asshole, way to pass the buck.”
“That’s not what I mean.” He rushed forward, grabbing her hand. “He’ll kill us both, but for real. He blacks out, sees red. It has to be his. Besides, we weren’t fucking around. Remember?”
“It doesn’t matter whose it is.” Sasha yanked her hand away, walking toward her truck. “I’m getting rid of it.”
“What? No, you’re not,” Vinny shouted, grabbing her arm.
She twisted from his grasp and shoved him, hard. “What do you care? We were never together anyway, remember.”
“Sasha.”
Whatever Vinny was about to say, she didn’t give a fuck. He had no idea what was best for her life, her body. She opened the driver’s door, nearly clipping his side with its edge. “I’m not bringing a baby into this shit. What a good life it’ll have, spending hours on the road doing drug runs and dropping bodies down a mine shaft. Are you fucking crazy?”
“Are
you
fucking crazy? Half the women that go into places like that don’t come out alive. I don’t want you to do this. Please, don’t make me stop you.”
“Oh yeah. Good luck, because I’m doing it today, and nothing is gonna change that.” She slid into the cab and started the engine. “Get in.”
Vinny held tight to her door, his legs cemented in place. “Just give it a few days. It couldn’t hurt. Maybe you’ll feel different.”
Sasha revved the motor then put the truck in reverse. “You wanna walk back?”
Every one of her days for the past eleven years, she spent with Vinny. Not once had she seen that look in his eye. That look belonged to Dez, right before he put his fist through someone’s face.
Vinny staggered back, slamming her door shut. “I’ll walk.”
“Come on, man.”
“Go,” he yelled, waving her off. “Take care of yourself, like you always do.”
The anger that trembled his voice, the tinge of disappointment in his stare, it hit harder than a backhand. Sasha punched the gas, shooting a rooster of dark earth from her tires. The truck bounced and clunked backward down the trail, but she didn’t let off. Another second was too many to dwell in these woods, on this compound, in her own blood-speckled skin. She tapped the brake and cut the wheel, spinning the truck around to face her mother’s house far below the hill. Without a glance in the rearview mirror, she drove past the big house and toward the puddle of blood at the foot of her steps.
***
Dez
Dez paced in Sasha’s bedroom. He had no idea what he was doing in there or what he’d say when she returned. Words couldn’t reverse what he’d done. He took something from her, something more important than a piece of ass. The confidence was gone from her stare, and he took that.
When Sasha’s truck’s engine rumbled the floor, his legs froze in place. If he had a decent bone in his body, he’d throw himself out the window, slip from her life, and never look back. But he didn’t move, which meant his inners were soaked in decay. The thump of boots on stairs rivaled the pound of Dez’s heart. He inched away from the door just as Sasha stormed in. She jumped at the sight of him, her hip crashing into the dresser beside the door.
“Goddammit, Dez!” Sasha shrank down, backing toward the doorway. “What are you doing in here?”
Dez took a step, and Sasha flinched, her back hitting the threshold. “I’m not gonna hurt you,” he said, feeling like a total dick for attempting to defend himself. “I had to do that. You understand, right? If I didn’t shoot her, Ellen would have killed you. Sasha, I—”
“You should have let her kill me.” Sasha rushed forward, her tiny fists striking Dez’s chest. “Why’d you stop her? Why!”
“Because I love you.” Dez seized Sasha by the wrists, holding tight. “I love the shit out of you. I can’t sleep another night without you in my arms, wake up another morning and not see your smile.”
Sasha fell against Dez’s chest, and he wrapped his arms around her. He could stand there and hold her forever. She belonged to him, covered in blood and dirt, shaking in his grasp. The missing half, ripped from his soul five years ago, back to make him whole again. Her lips glided along his cheek, brushing his mouth, and his grip on her body grew tighter.
“Dez, I…I’m…” Sasha pushed off Dez’s chest, staring into his eyes. “I…need to get out of these clothes.” Her gaze dropped, and she rubbed her forehead.
“I got you.” Dez scooped Sasha into his arms. A light shiver ran down his spine as her weight fell against his chest. Her fingers twisted into his hair, warm breath floating along his neck as he carried her into the bathroom.
***
Vinny
Vinny ran down the hillside. Branches snagged his jacket, scraping his skin, but that didn’t slow his sprint. He jumped a fallen log, weaving through dense trees. Day, night, he could run this narrow trail down the mountain blindfolded. These were his woods, the home of his childhood, the place where he first kissed a girl, an eternal keeper of his murderous secrets.
He rounded a bend, picking up the pace. The snap of twigs echoed over his heavy gasps as he broke through thick brush. His boots dug into rocky dirt, skidding to a stop. Beyond the grand Victorian house that dominated the hillside, Vinny glimpsed Sasha’s truck parked in its usual spot.
“Thank God,” he said between pants, hunching to combat the burn in his sides. He eyed her tires, his fingers drumming the sheath of his knife. It couldn’t be that easy. If he slashed the tires in Sasha’s pickup, she’d just hop in a big rig and take off. Her bull-headed determination was admirable and annoying as hell.
Vinny considered pulling the fuses from every vehicle on the compound when Ellen strolled onto the porch of her house.
“Ellen,” Vinny shouted, hurrying down the hill. Halfway to the house, his brain clicked on. Of all the moves he could make, this would be the stupidest. Ellen would eat Sasha alive, twist her into submission. A scorching blade of self-loathing sliced into his chest, but he ignored its burn, running up the porch steps. He was okay with Sasha hating him, if it meant she’d be alive to do it.
“Oh Jesus. What now?” Ellen asked, rushing toward Vinny.
“Please, don’t freak out.” Vinny sucked in a long gulp of air, leaning against the doorframe. “Sasha’s about to make a horrible mistake.”
Sasha
Hot water rained down, washing over Sasha and clearing the fog from her mind. She tilted back, leaning against the hard muscles under Dez’s soft skin. Hands slid over her shoulders and down her chest, trailing a path of soapy bubbles. Dez’s fingertips beamed strength. The energy shot beneath Sasha’s skin and spread into every fiber of her being, recharging her weakened essence.
Dez skated his lips on the back of Sasha’s neck as his hands moved lower, tracing her hips, creeping to her inner thigh, and sneaking between her legs.
“There you go,” Dez said, biting Sasha’s ear. “All clean.”
“You missed a spot.” Sasha pushed Dez’s hand farther and his fingers slipped deep inside, igniting an onslaught of white-hot sparks. The feel of water flowing over her skin and his touch spanning the deepest parts of her was too much to bear. Her knees wobbled, and his grip tightened. Water splashed Sasha’s face, and she turned her head, connecting with silky lips. Dez’s kiss drove her blustery passion into a wild frenzy, and she spun, gliding her chest against his. She reached down, gripping onto the hardness that throbbed in the tiny space between them.
Dez slid his hands down Sasha’s back, gripping her ass. “Let’s take this to the bed.”
“Yeah,” Sasha muttered into Dez’s chest. The faucet squeaked, bringing her back to the steam-filled tub. She pushed the shower curtain aside, and her eyes connected with her mother’s glare.
“Shit!” Sasha yelped, snatching a towel off the rack and covering herself.
Ellen leaned against the open bathroom door, holding that ornery stare she’d mastered so well. “That was very entertaining, but Dez, I’m gonna need you to get dressed and get the fuck out. My daughter and I need to have a little chat.”
Dez smirked. He didn’t flinch or try to hide any part of his naked body. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Oh really,” Ellen said, narrowing her eyes. “You wanna test me?”
“I’m not leaving you alone with her.”
“How romantically heroic of you,” Ellen sneered, tearing her gaze from Dez for the briefest of seconds to glance at Sasha. “Are you afraid to be alone with me, Sasha?”
“No.” Sasha looked between her mother and Dez, both locked in a venomous leer. “Can’t this wait?” She pushed her mother from the bathroom, closing the door just enough to block Dez’s bare ass.
“I don’t think so.” Ellen crossed her arms, looking at Sasha’s stomach. “It’s kind of time sensitive.”
Sasha threw her towel to the floor. “Fucking Vinny,” she muttered, pulling on a long t-shirt. She peeked into the bathroom as Dez buttoned his jeans. The questions in his stare could’ve filled the room, and she couldn’t get him out of it quick enough. She grabbed his shirt and boots from the floor, thrusting them at his chest.
“It’s cool. I’ll catch up with ya later,” Sasha said, ushering Dez to her front door.
“Sasha?”
Sasha opened the door, shoving Dez outside. “Later, dude.”
The confusion that clouded Dez’s face warped to a mask of shock, and Sasha shrugged, slamming the door closed. Only after the thud of footsteps faded did she turn to face her mother. “What did Vinny tell you?”
“That you’re a giant slut.” Ellen plopped onto the bed, stretching out. “I’m not surprised you got yourself knocked up. You are pretty careless. But the whole not knowing who the father is, scandalous! I thought you were better than that.”
“I’m glad you’re having fun with this.” Sasha dropped onto the far corner of the bed, pulling her legs in beneath her.
“You do know there’s no way on God’s green Earth I’d let you take an unborn life, right?” Ellen said in a low, firm tone.
Sasha looked at her mother, darting her stare away at the first glimpse of a glower. She wanted to scream, tell her mother to shove it, that this was her body and she’d do with it as she liked, but it would be lies. Everything she had, all that she was, belonged to her mother.
“So help me, Sasha, I’ll chain you up in the basement for the next nine months.”
“Please don’t,” Sasha all but begged, knowing exactly how serious her mother was.
“I don’t want to.”
Her mother slid closer, and Sasha kept completely still, only the slightest of breath escaping. It wasn’t until her mother’s arms wrapped around her that every muscle quivered. Many hands had gripped her body—men, women—but their embraces could never match this one. A hug from her mother was like touching the sun, terrifying yet soothing. Definitely a once-in-a-lifetime event to be cherished.
“Don’t cry,” Ellen said, which brought a wall of waterworks to the brim of Sasha’s eyes.
A soft palm wiped tears from Sasha’s cheek, and she fought to keep the rest inside, to be strong.
Ellen held Sasha tight, kissing the top of her head. “We can make this work. My baby and her baby. Now, just tell me who you want the father to be and I’ll make the other guy disappear.”
“Mom.” Sasha pulled back, gawking. “That’s not funny.”
“I wasn’t trying to be, as long as you pick Vinny.”
Sasha chuckled, and the only embrace she ever dreamed of drew her back into its graces. Whatever fluke befell the world, she didn’t care. She’d bask in this affection for as long as it lasted and call for it again once it left.
“I want it to be Dez,” Sasha said, the words igniting a whirl in her stomach as they left her lips.
“Then it will be.” Ellen rubbed Sasha’s arm, squeezing tight before letting go.
“What about my runs, this shit with the Lazzari family? The
Llamada de la Muerte
won’t deal with anyone but me. I know Tito. He’s a crazy motherfucker.”
“You’ll only have to make that one run pregnant. Vinny can handle the rest until you spit the baby out. Then, afterward, I’ll help Dez with the little one so you can get back on the road. Do whatever it is that you need to do out there, and when you come home, you play the good wife and mother.”
“Wife?”
“That’s right.” Ellen rose from the bed, lifting her chin high. “Welcome to your fairytale, princess. You should’ve used a rubber.”
In the time it took for a smile to turn to a scowl, her mother returned to usual form. Sasha made a mental note of the date, October 13, 1984, the day her mother almost said I love you.
***
Dez
Dez flicked his cigarette onto a small patch of grass beside the garage. He’d already hosed away the blood from the foot of Sasha’s steps and the bed of her truck, smoked four cigarettes, and still not a peep sounded from the room above him.
Just as Dez shook loose another smoke from his pack, Vinny crept up beside him.
“What’s going on up there?” Dez shouted, pointing to Sasha’s room.
“I don’t know. What’s going on?” Vinny asked, darting his eyes away.
Dez growled. Before he could stop himself, he clutched Vinny’s jacket. “Don’t feed me no bullshit, brother.”
“Back off, man.” Vinny pushed Dez’s arm aside, straightening his crimpled leather. “Chill. This isn’t about earlier.”
Dez teetered on his limits of
chill
. Club ranks, secrets and favoritism, he’d had enough.
“If you don’t start talking, you’re gonna be eating teeth.”
“Fuck!” Vinny rocked in place, looking up at Sasha’s room. “Umm, well, it looks like Sasha’s gonna have a baby, so I guess, congratulations. You’re gonna be a father. And you suck for making me tell you.”
“I don’t…” Dez staggered back. His brain searched for the words, for any words, but none came into play. None, except for father.
“I’m gonna be a…father?” Dez continued backing away, toward his truck.
“Hey,” Vinny called out, lifting his arms at his sides. “Where you going?”
“I’ll be back.”
Vinny shouted some shit, but Dez didn’t have time to listen. He needed some air, and this place had just run out.
***
Sasha
Sasha stayed curled at the foot of her bed, long after her mother had gone. Her mind had finished contemplating options. She had a few, but she didn’t want any of them. Part-time Suzie-Q homemaker and weekend road dyke sounded like two parts of an ugly façade. She could run the streets of Little Rock with Carmen, tear up New York City under the Lazzari rule, but that would only add more blood to her already marred soul. Plus, she’d be killing for two.
Her stare gravitated to the nightstand and the joint she knew rested in the ashtray. One hit couldn’t hurt. Hell, with the amount of pot she smoked, it might help.
A knock shook the door, and Sasha closed her eyes. There was only one person she wanted to see right now, and she doubted a curvy redhead was at her door. The slow creak of hinges rang out, followed by light jerky steps. It was Vinny. She didn’t have to look; he practically vibrated beside her.
“Sasha.”
“Dick!” Sasha hurled a pillow across the room, striking Vinny’s chest.
“I’m sorry,” Vinny said, tossing the pillow aside, “but I had to tell her. You left me no choice.”
“What about my choice, or don’t I get one?”
“I don’t know.” Vinny sat on the floor in front of Sasha, looking up into her eyes. “Maybe you’ll think differently, later. Thank me.”
“Doubt it.” She glanced at the nightstand then back to Vinny. “At least you didn’t tell Dez.”
“Ah, shit. Sasha.”
“You didn’t,” she said, leaning forward.
“He was gonna make me eat my teeth.”
Vinny sank down. One hand shielded his face while the other protected his balls, and Sasha snickered.
“Double dick,” Sasha hollered, hitting Vinny with a much larger pillow. “So what’d Dez say? Did he freak?”
“He left.”
“Oh wow.” Sasha lowered her head, rubbing her temple. “And we never saw him again.”
Vinny chuckled, and Sasha laughed, in a nervous kind of way.
“What do you keep looking at?” he asked, following her gaze to the nightstand.
“That doobie in the ashtray. I wanna smoke it, but I don’t know.”
Vinny grabbed the joint, pulled out his zippo, and fired it up.
“And now you’re gonna smoke that in front of me, harsh.”
“No.” Vinny scooted closer, raising to his knees. “I’m gonna smoke it with you. You pretty much breathe pot; it’s already in your system. How much damage can one more joint do?” His arm lifted, sending a halo of smoke high into the air. “It’s a choice.”
Sasha grabbed Vinny’s hand, sliding her fingers between his. Her legs draped over the side of the bed, landing on either side of him. “I’m sorry.” She leaned toward him, and his warm forehead rubbed against hers. “You got a raw deal.”
Vinny dropped the joint, gliding his rough palm along the side of Sasha’s neck. “As long as you’re around, it’s a good deal.” He slid his fingers into her hair, and his lips brushed against her mouth. “Can you promise me you’re not going anywhere?” he asked in a whisper, his voice trembling.
“I can’t promise something like that.”
“At least say you won’t split. Leave me here with Dez and Ellen.”
Sasha smiled, caressing the stubbly skin of Vinny’s cheek. Then, before she could think, their lips drew together. She might’ve leaned in, or he lunged for her. Either way, the kiss felt right and still so wrong. Sasha tried to push Vinny away but ended up pulling him closer.
Her back hit the mattress, and his body covered her. A haze of soft lips and wandering hands crippled all rational thought. His fingers skated along her sides, hiking up her shirt, and the fog thickened. Maybe she could have him, this one last time. Her love for him would fade, but only after a proper sendoff. Although it sounded good, it was lies she told herself to disguise the dirty.
“Vinny. We shouldn’t,” Sasha said, driving her hips even harder against his body. “Not here, not now.”
“You’re right.”
Vinny moved off Sasha, and cool air rushed in to sting her heated skin.
“I’m sorry, Sasha. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
After a minute of silence, and once the flush left Vinny’s cheeks, he jumped up. “I’m gonna go.”
“Hey, wait.” Sasha reached for Vinny’s hand, but he dashed for the door. “Vinny—”
“Don’t.” Vinny gripped the doorknob, looking over his shoulder. “Words just fuck shit up. I’m cool. We’re cool.” He mustered a half-smile before walking into the blinding daylight.